looks and personality??!

Hi OP,
I'm afraid I'm going to echo the previous posters on this one.He nearly has it all but you're not interested in sex with him,for me that would have alarm bells ringing-not that sex is the be all and end all but sexual attraction is important to have,it's early in the relationship to be missing that ingredient. I also think if you attracted to another guy and the only thing that seems to be stopping you is that you think it'd fizzle out after a few weeks/months is worrying.Can I ask you a question-do you feel that because your family and friends are so mad about your boyfriend that it's gotten you to think that you'd be fool to give him up and because they think so highly of him that he's got to be "The One"?

You shouldn't be with him. That's 100%. You're absolutely wasting his time by trundling along in a relationship in which you are settling. I seriously doubt he'd want to be in a relationship where he knew his partner was just settling to be with him and didn't find him attractive. So I'd forget about that for a start. That's the simple part of this.

It doesn't matter how many of your friends and family like him. Or how 'mad to have babies' you are. None of these are reasons to continue a relationship you're not into. If you want to tell him you're not physically attracted to him and he's more than happy to continue the relationship then you have something to ponder over. Otherwise this is cut and dried.

Another few things struck me in what you said though. You referenced being 'pretty with a good figure'. And that your boyfriend doesn't conform to the 'tall, 6 pack' body you like and that you've been with 'perfectly built guys before'. Then you go on to talking about how any potential relationship with this guy you really fancy would likely fizzle out.

What I'm reading from that is that you're heavily invested in how pretty you perceive yourself to be. And that you like to have sex with people you perceive to be your aesthetically your equal. I'm not saying that tall blokes with six packs shouldn't turn you on but what I am saying is that they shouldn't be your solitary aim if you're looking for something more than a couple of weeks of sex.

Sure you can't help what you find attractive but I get the distinct impression you have locked in on only being physically attracted to men who conform to some kind of perfect male archetype. You say the relationships with these men are likely to fizzle out on account of personality. So you're attracted to vacuous pretty boys basically.

I think you may be far too goal orientated in the men you find attractive. You say your boyfriend has a nice body but he's not tall with a six pack. I hate to break it to you but if you're only going to get your engine running for tall guys with six packs then you're cutting out a massive percentage of lads. I'm not saying you should accept some great big slob with a massive beer belly. However I can think of at least a half dozen lads that are at the same gym as myself who have great physiques but aren't 'tall with a six pack'. So lack of height and six pack aren't down to being lazy or not keeping in shape.

It's as restrictive as me saying I only go for women over 6 feet tall with 26 inch waists and a D cup. I'm not saying don't go for the kind of men you like I'm just questioning if you have focused in on something so specific that it's verging on the ridiculous.

Your boyfriend has great personality and a nice body (but not tall with a six pack) and that doesn't cut it for you. Fair enough. All I'm saying is that if all you are looking for to pass muster is a really good looking, tall lad with a six pack and a great personality who is single and finds you to be the person he wants to stay with forever you might be in for a bit of a wait because it's incredibly specific.

Miss Fluff wrote: »

WHAT??? :eek:

I'm beginning to wonder what clue you have.

I find myself in total agreement with this. OP, the more you say, the more you betray about yourself.

From the fact that you felt the need to throw into your post that you think you're 'pretty with a good figure' when it had no relevance. Your reference to a preference only for tall guys with six packs. That you basically admit you have just trundled along from one relationship to the next. Then you were willing to totally change your tune as to what the problem was to 'go with the flow' of the advice being offered rather than admit some kind of serious problem/your actual preferences.

When you blamed things being a bit flat in the bedroom it's hard to know if it is actually true. I mean have things always been flat? If not then there was some stage when it was working for you. What changed? If it has always been flat then it's just as much your fault as his. If what was going on behind close doors wasn't working for you then it's up to you to communicate that. That you think you can fix it with a book without talking to your OH is laughable. Women are so completely different in their wants and needs in the bedroom that there is no manual that could give anything other than very general advice. It's something I copped on to very quickly when I was younger and became sexually active. What I did in bed that sent woman A into raptures I thought would have the exact same effect on woman B. Guess what? It didn't. Women are variable so the need is there to communicate what is wanted and needed.

I'm offering that as general advice in case that is actually the problem. I strongly believe that it's not though. You place a lot of value in your looks and that you have constantly been in relationships and count yourself lucky because of this??? You state a preference for a archetypal 'attractive' male and the tall, six pack orientated body over your current boyfriend even though he has a fine physique. You admit to knowing that having sex with these vacuous pretty boys goes nowhere. You claim that 'most men don't have a clue outside of the basics' when it comes to sex.

Then at the end of it all you state you're willing to live with the unsatisfying sex life on top of everything else because you can't imagine your boyfriend not in your life. Like MagicMirror says, we all have people we want to keep in our lives forever because we have strong feelings for them. That doesn't immediately qualify them for a romantic relationship.

To boil it down to the bare bones here's what I think OP. And I'm sorry if it sounds a little harsh on you. I'm not trying to be mean or hurtful this is just my honest opinion.

I think what you look for from relationships is very 'paint by numbers'. You've drifted along being in relationships all your life and counted yourself as lucky to do so. You have convinced yourself that you desire only the archetypal male in terms of physical appearance. You have engaged in enough of this vacuous nonsense and accepted less than you actually wanted for so long that you actually believe that men have no idea what to do in the bedroom. Too many pretty looking covers without any content to them is the only conclusion I can draw. Now you have found a really nice guy who actually has a bit of depth but physically he's not what you've programmed yourself to desire. You're trying to convince yourself that you're in a romantic relationship with him when everything you say screams 'platonic' IMO. You sound like a callow youth rather than a 28 year old woman.

Again I'd suggest you actually sit down and think about what you want in broader terms and why you want it. Why is it that this 'tall, six pack' physique is what you desire. You've identified the empty pretty boys that lead nowhere but still seem to be drawn to them. You are in a relationship with someone you have really strong feelings for but don't love in a romantic sense. You seem to think that love, sex and a nice guy are three components that aren't achievable at the same time.

I think this is probably because you still sound completely inexperienced. You don't seem to have separated the fantasy from the reality of life. Now I don't mean for settling for second best. I mean this idea that someone absolutely has to conform to looking a certain way or else they aren't attractive enough for you. It's like me dreaming of dating someone who looks like Angelina Jolie and then maybe managing to date a couple of leggy, pouty, really attractive women with amazing bodies but then, as a consequence, writing off any woman who doesn't conform to that look as 'not attractive enough' and hard wiring myself to believe it.

As you go along in life and actually build up experience you find that sexiness and attraction come in all shapes, sizes and forms. It doesn't mean I've stopped finding the leggy, pouty, aesthetically beautiful women of the world attractive. It just means I don't confine myself to only one ideal or 'goal' in what I am looking for to be turned on in the bedroom and in a relationship in general. Acceptance of all kinds of beauty and sexiness is what I'm talking about rather than settling. You seem to have hard wired yourself a set of goals and convinced yourself that this is simply the way things are/have to be when that's totally not the case.

I apologise for the lengthy reply but on reading your last post again it just got to me no end. Like ibarelycare said it's a thoroughly depressing read. I just ask you to really have a think about things as hard as it may be. You're only skimming the surface at the minute. You need to dig a bit deeper.

All the best

Right.

So you're telling me every other women you know, both married and otherwise, have told you explicitly that none of their husbands, present sexual partners and previous sexual partners have never manage at any stage satisfy them sexually? You do know there isn't a person on the face of the planet that would believe something as far fetched as that. Every female you know disclosed their total unhappiness with every sexual partner they have ever had? I think not.

Not only have you contradicted yourself in your posts on more than one occasion. You're now talking about losing everything you have. When at no stage was there ever the implication or mention that this guy was going to leave you. If anything it was the other way around in fact.

I never made any mention to 'couples wanting to jump on each other all the time'. I never suggested that you should both definitely have completely matching ferocious sex drives or libidos. I merely made reference to the statement you mad about not enjoying having sex with your OH.

I am going to refrain from posting any further in this thread for two reasons.

Your reply to my post has nothing to do with anything mentioned in this thread or my posts. It is completely unrelated to anything I have said and bares no relation to anything discussed. It's off on a tangent about libidos, couples wanting to jump on each other all the time, you losing him and so on. It also fails to account for the blatant contradictions in your posts through the thread.

So either you are unable to accept peoples opinion on your situation and react to such by avoiding the actual issues and contradicting yourself in which case there is little point in talking to you as you don't want to face the reality of your situation and are as callow as I suspect.

Or you're trolling.

Either way there's no point talking to you.

All the best.