I think my Marriage is over

tmalmb · 16-08-2015 9:56pm #1

I think my marriage is over and I don’t know what to do.

I still love my wife of 15 years but over the last month she’s become very distant, we’ve talked a little on it and in summary she’s become frustrated with everything in general, me, our 3 kids (all teenagers and good kids if not a little spoilt), her elderly parents (who live next door).

She said its her time now and over the last month she has basically thrown herself into anything that keeps her out of the house. She’s not sure we have a future together and she wants to focus on herself for now. She feels the last few years have broken her spirit and she needs to find herself.

We’ve had our ups and downs over the years but have managed to work things through…I’ve not seen this side of her before, very cold and unsympathetic. I’m trying to get us in front of a marriage councillor but for now she’s saying no…she needs time

I’ve been trying to give her space while also trying to stay connected but to be honest I’m really struggling….sad to say that I’m a man in my mid 40’s and I find it difficult to hold back the tears.

My work is suffering, I have a knot in my stomach that just won’t go. I’m trying to stay strong, hoping this is just a phase but it doesn’t feel that way. I’m trying to keep busy, looking for social outlets but I’m finding it a struggle (really don’t want to cry over my beer anymore :’( )

I was wondering if anyone here (male or female) has come through something like this, if so how did it work out for you? Should I just accept its over or keep fighting for it. Would love some views from any women

I’ve not given up on getting her to a marriage councillor to try work through this but I’m trying to balance it with not applying to much pressure and allowing space

thanks for listening

keavebm · 16-08-2015 10:07pm

Keep fighting everything gets better if u fight for it I hope u work everything out best of luck

nikkibikki · 16-08-2015 10:44pm

Don't give up on a 15 year marriage. If you don't fight for it, ye'll have little or no hope and I don't think you'll ever forgive yourself.

Make sure she knows her worth. If ye manage to get things back on track, make sure ye spend quality time together as a couple.

I really hope ye get through this. Sounds like you really do cherish her.

forgodssake · 16-08-2015 11:05pm

You sound like a wonderful man! You are doing all the right things by giving her space but still showing her you care. Hope your marriage gets through this. The very best of luck with it.

dory · 16-08-2015 11:16pm

Sounds like a friend of mine, except her kids are a bit younger. She hit her 40s and just decided that she never had 'me' time. The best you can do now is let her explore other things, hobbies she might not have had with the kids. Let her see that she can have freedom and still be married. Best of luck.

coolcat63 · 16-08-2015 11:19pm

It sounds like "something" has cropped up over a relatively short period of time so my my guess is either a looong period of resentment that has finally bubbled over or there is someone else behind it. Not necessarily an affair but a trigger for her discontent.

Would you go and see a counsellor on your own? If she's asking for space then you have to give it, but for your own sanity you need to talk to someone who can help you figure out the bigger picture.

There's a long road ahead of you, OP - I wish you well on your journey.

strandroad · 16-08-2015 11:43pm

It sounds like she is honest with you and she does need some head space and time for herself. To manage three teenagers as well as ailing parents must feel like a heavy load on her. Does she have adequate support to handle all that? She might be refusing marriage counselling as it would feel like piling another commitment on top of what she already has.

LegacyUser · 16-08-2015 11:54pm

It's all very well and very comforting for people to tell you to "fight" for your marriage. And you certainly should try to do all you can to make things better.

However, you also need to realise that if your partner has decided that it's definitely over, then it is. If she doesn't want to try to fix it, then it is over. It takes two people to want a relationship, and if she doesn't want to, there is no way you can make it work on your own.

Sorry to sound so blunt, but I've been in your position.

Try to do the best you can for your kids, if it comes to the fact that the marriage is over. Don't ever, ever badmouth your wife to them. Even if she doesn't do the same for you.

Best of luck, I know it's a dreadful, stomach-lurching place to be.

discus · 17-08-2015 9:53am

You shouldn't be letting your marriage be what determines your happiness. Go make yourself happy. Go to the gym, better yourself by learning something, improve yourself full stop. If she's becoming distant, it because she's losing attraction to you. Be the man she fell in love with, not the husband who she has lost the excitement for. Don't forget that you can be happy with another woman, your kids will fly the nest at some stage and you can be a happy man without a relationship.

bp · 17-08-2015 11:06am

I can see you wife's point of view. I have two small people, a hubby and parents who always seem to call in at nap time!!!

Anyway she is feeling overwhelmed after years of minding children, laundry, lunches, dinners, cleaning, minding parents, minding husband etc.

If you can afford it I would suggest booking her into a nice hotel (e.g. the Monart etc) for three nights. She can turn her phone off and relax. If possible you take the same days off to mind the house, kids, in-laws etc so she won't worry and make sure the kids fend for themselves and you yourself

Another/ additional possibility is to book her into a course as a surprise. Something she enjoys or is interested in e.g. photography, art, crafts, yoga, rugby, music etc. Something for her.

This may show you listened and cared and understand she needs space and support.

tmalmb · 20-08-2015 11:47am

Thank you all for your comments, I find them very helpful.

So I've been trying to get my wife to share more whats going on, as a commenter up above noted, there is deep rooted resentment thats been building for years (seems its been there since the beginning) and sadly its just all come to a head for my wife.

She's still requesting space but also indicating (but not clearly stating that its over). I've been asked to leave the bedroom, she's not longer interested in Sex, loves me but not in love with me, there is no one else (she's not interested in finding anyone else) but while she loves me she can let go of the past <most of the issues relate to nearly 20 years ago when we first met, I was a bit of a jack the lad, largely selfish <not knowing what a relationship is or how is should be> I've always being faithful <but she doesn't believe me>. I've spent many many years trying to make up for the early selfish days but sadly she can't let go of the early days.

Upon reflection she feels we are very different people who probably never should have come together <that said we have 3 great kids>

So I'm gutted, she's not, she's focusing on her wellbeing which I get, I want to support but sadly I want to do it as part of a marriage and she does not.

She thinks we can stay together in the house as friends and parents (but live separate lives). She doesn't want to answer to anyone just do her own thing and focus on herself now <e.g. she told me this morning shes thinking of getting away for the weekend on her own>...this frustrates me a little as we have 3 kids <youngest being 12> and her elderly parents who we care for....she feels I should go away as well but i don't think we can leave 3 kids to the care of elderly Grandparents <maybe I'm wrong>

I'm really writing this as therapy, I'm in work and find it hard to concentrate. I'm going to see a counsellor tonight top help me work through this. My wife won't do marriage counselling but has agreed to go to 1-1 sessions <as i noted this is important for herself given where we are heading>

So whats next?
I don't think we can live in the same house but live separate lives...I have too many feeling for her and it saddens me to see her not care...she even noted to me that if I need sex I should go meet new people <man that really hurt>

I pay all the bills and the money my wife earns is hers <I'm ok with this in a marriage but now I think f*ck this, that a perk of a relationship...you don't get that perk if your not willing to work it as a couple.

I feel the end is here, I brought up mediation today and she seems happy to proceed down this path...I don't know what the fallout will be, I need to ensure my kids are looked after, I really want me wife to be happy BUT I don't want to loose myself worth in the process or worse feel like I'm been taken advantage of.

On another note...trying to find things to do when you've been tied up with a family for so long is damn hard..everything seems to involve drinking (I've done my share over the years and don't want to go down that path carrying these emotional pains)...someone noted the gym...I do that everyday <have done for years> but sadly it doesn't help with what feels like a loss

thanks for listening

Neyite · 20-08-2015 12:09pm

OP is your wife in mid forties too? Hormonal changes may be afoot such as her being perimenopausal, though I don't really know how you can broach that subject without risking it sounding condescending.

It seems that you are a couple of steps behind her on this. She's made out her plan to separate, the fallout of which will affect not just her but her two parents, her husband and her three children, and nobody gets a say in this?

Go with mediation - its a good idea to discuss finances, arrangements for kids, and even custody though you live in the same house (for now) - you need to both sit down and decide when you are on point for childcare and when your wife is - she cant be a separated parent and expect to bugger off for a weekend without clearing it with you first. On your own, maybe consult a solicitor quietly and see where you stand in the event of a legal separation and what your options are.

LegacyUser · 20-08-2015 12:10pm

Op I'm sorry to read to hear about your marriage issues. If she's holding a grudge against you for something that happened 20 years ago then that's pretty extreme. She probably needs 1.1 counselling for now rather than marriage mediation.
From what you describe she seems to have just given up on everything. She wants to go away for a weekend away on her own, suggests you do the same and expects your kids to look after themselves and her elderly parents! That doesn't really sound like someone thinking rationally.

tmalmb · 21-08-2015 9:37am

Following on from my other thread

I was wondering if anyone has experience of if its possible for a married couple to live together (even though they have separated)

This is what my wife wants, she wants me to move to the spare bedroom and for us to stay together as parents but do our own thing.

We're in different places emotionally...i'm still hurting, she's not. As noted in my other thread, we've 3 kids (so this can be a good thing but I'm also concerned it can be a bad thing as emotions can run high and lead to an unhappy environment)

Has anyone out there been in this situation, can you share your experiences?

magicmushroom · 21-08-2015 10:15am

I wouldn't consider it to be a good idea.
Your children will be very confused by it for a start.

And what if one of you meet someone else?

Makapakka · 21-08-2015 10:19am

I don't think it's a good idea. My own parents separated when I was 7 and my dad told me that his parents separated but continues living in the same house. They didn't talk to each other for ten years and it had huge impacts on their children's lives. Your children will sense the awkwardness and the resentment. What if one of you got a new partner? How would it work then?

You are better off living separately so that there is no confusion and so you can both lead peaceful lives.

Taltos · 21-08-2015 10:24am

Mod note
Hi OP I have merged your two threads as they are related and per our charter posters are asked not to create multiple threads in a short space of time.

Cheers
Taltos

Dial Hard · 21-08-2015 10:28am

It *can* be done, but under very specific circumstances, and one party still hurting is not one of them.

Secondly, when the time comes for you to make your separation official/seek a divorce, it will be very difficult for you to prove to the court that you were in fact separated during the period you were living together. They will want to see proof of separate bank statements, separate utility bills, separate grocery bills, etc. Basically, if you have ANY shared living expenses other than the mortgage, the court will not consider you as having been separated during this time. This can have massive implications on the "four out of five years" rule to be granted a divorce.

They're obviously the practicalities. You also need to look at the emotional side of things. I think it would be very, very difficult for you to even begin to heal while still living with your wife. You need distance to begin to process what's happening. Also, as others have said, it would be very confusing for the kids. I think it's best for everyone if one of you moves out.

Sorry for your hurt, OP. I've been through it myself and it's beyond horrific.

athtrasna · 21-08-2015 10:29am

We did it for two years but we didn't have kids so that was easier.

It depends on how you feel about the other person. If one of you has strong feelings for the other then don't do it. We split by mutual consent and turned into housemates. It may have been easier for us to do that as we had started out as housemates many years before.

Neither of us brought someone back to the house while the other was there. I think that would have been way too awkward

LegacyUser · 21-08-2015 4:08pm

Hi op. Reading your post has made me quite upset as I could be your wife. I am going through something similar with my partner. I wont go into details as this is your issue and I want to try and maybe put some perspective on it for you....

As many have said here, give her space. Support her decisions. Let her find who she is. I think maybe she is lost. I know I am. She maybe saying all this to you to get a reaction. Maybe she wants you to really really fight for her and show her just how much she means to you. This is what I am doing with my husband. I'm not proud of it. My self esteem is quite low at the moment and I need reassurance. She maybe going about it the wrong way but it could be it. But maybe not either.

But also take care of yourself. Get out and about yourself. See friends. Take up an interest or start up something that you may have put aside...

I don't think living together as 'friends' will work. Not with children still in the house. This can cause more damage. Even though you think its best for the children, its not.

I think your wife deciding to do 1-1 is good.

MissFlitworth · 21-08-2015 4:19pm

It can work, but definitely not in a situation where one person has unilaterally decided their marriage is over and the other person is heartbroken. In your case OP I'd consider asking her to leave, to start organising her own care plan for her elderly parents and to plan to visit a mediator with you so you can plan childcare & financial agreements. So she actually understands what it means to end your relationship & marriage.

She's living in cloud absolute cuckoo land if she thinks that it equals you nicely folding yourself away into the spare room, not getting in her way and continuing to funding her lifestyle.

tmalmb · 27-08-2015 11:23pm

So its 10 days since my original post and I must admit it has been 10 long and difficult days.

Things just seemed to have snowballed, my wife has gone from "give me space" to barely speaking to me, when we do speak she is full of contempt...she's never here...leaves at 7.30am, comes home around the same time in the evening. Kids are left on their own...yes they are teenagers so they don't see the morning (out of bed after noon) however I still think they need time with their mom...she disagrees, says they have her number if they need her.

I've been over compensating, working from home just to be here, I might now be over protective but I'm concerned the impact its subconsciously having on them.

I've now moved out of the bedroom, no choice really, trading turns on the couch was not working.

My wife has all but said its over, the hatred she now displays for me, her parents is unsettling and her need to be out of the house is sad

She never took up the 1-1 counselling, I did and I must admit I find it helps.

i've accepted its over, I now feel my wife is taking advantage of me with regard to parenting responsibilities and general finances, she's acting now like she has no responsibilities or duty of care to anyone.

I spoke to my children...the atmosphere got so bad I had to let them know...youngest was heartbroken, the other two took it better

Next stop I hope is mediation but my wife seems to be stalling on this...not sure why? Not sure how mediation will work out but I'll let folks know where it all ends up.

Question...am I over compensating with the kids, should I feel more comfortable with leaving them on their own, I'm reluctant to meet a friend in the evening for fear that mom won't come home and they end up again with just each other for company

thanks for listening

Sleepless and Manic · 27-08-2015 11:32pm

tmalmb wrote: »

Question...am I over compensating with the kids, should I feel more comfortable with leaving them on their own, I'm reluctant to meet a friend in the evening for fear that mom won't come home and they end up again with just each other for company

thanks for listening

I'm so sorry about your troubles.

Over compensating? No, I dont think so at all. It sounds like some extra "compensating" is needed and you're doing it which is great for your kids.
I'm sure they're hurt and need you, even if they seem like strong teenagers, so I wouldnt feel any guilt at giving them extra attention at all. Good man.

Sleepless and Manic · 27-08-2015 11:35pm

tmalmb wrote: »

Next stop I hope is mediation but my wife seems to be stalling on this...not sure why?

Maybe because she has little responsibilities right now but she knows that mediation will mean she has to start acting like an adult again.

PucaMama · 28-08-2015 1:01am

tmalmb wrote: »

I now feel my wife is taking advantage of me with regard to parenting responsibilities and general finances, she's acting now like she has no responsibilities or duty of care to anyone.

is it possible your wife once felt this way about you?

tmalmb · 28-08-2015 8:23am

PucaMama wrote: »

is it possible your wife once felt this way about you?

Yes, I think so....my wife was the primary carer of the children (especially in the early days...not so much over the last few years) while I focused on career and the finances

Work was demanding and consumed a lot of time :-/

However the last 7ish years have been very different, I've been here more, available a lot more and putting in the effort

strandroad · 28-08-2015 8:55am

PucaMama wrote: »

is it possible your wife once felt this way about you?

Yes it would be strange for her to turn on the spot like that without any reaason. It feels like she's fed up with the way of life she had and wants out of it.

arayess · 28-08-2015 8:58am

tmalmb wrote: »

Following on from my other thread

I was wondering if anyone has experience of if its possible for a married couple to live together (even though they have separated)

This is what my wife wants, she wants me to move to the spare bedroom and for us to stay together as parents but do our own thing.

We're in different places emotionally...i'm still hurting, she's not. As noted in my other thread, we've 3 kids (so this can be a good thing but I'm also concerned it can be a bad thing as emotions can run high and lead to an unhappy environment)

Has anyone out there been in this situation, can you share your experiences?

i have for about 6 months and it was a bag of ****e.
Thankfully it was on temporary for her just for her to find a place to stay.

I was in my 20s when this happened so perhaps issues were different.
But I have one piece of advice and that is above all else look after yourself.

You need to put yourself and the kids first. By all means let her do "her thing" but stop doing things for her.

For example , assuming your bedroom is the fancy one , why should you move out. Let it be her . she is the one demanding change.

Don't apologise for stuff you did 20 years ago either, it's her problem she didn't raise it more recently and come to peace with it then rather than entering into a 15 year marriage with kids and all the niceties that entails.

Don't bow to her demands for the sake of it. Remember she is a woman in her 40's she can look after herself , so let her and you and the kids make the best of what you have. Go do stuff with your kids and be as much as a family as you can.

It might cause initial grief standing your ground but in the long term you'll be happier and you'll be a better dad too if you are happier.
Under no circumstances move out of your home , that request may come down the line. You put yourself in a really bad position doing that.

as for her issues and your marriage , who knows? There is a huge chance she doesn't know herself either.

tmalmb · 28-08-2015 8:59am

mhge wrote: »

Yes it would be strange for her to turn on the spot like that without any reaason. It feels like she's fed up with the way of life she had and wants out of it.

Yes, I feel this is definitely the case....that said my wife has always been very caring (overly so)...I've not seen her this way since I known her....no apparent thought or care for the children or her parents (who have been very good to her over the years).

Maybe its just me...we've always balanced time at home and outside activities....maybe I'm struggling with the new world order (I mean don't other families do something similar when both parties have full time roles)...maybe I should be comfortable with leaving the kids all day, ensuring there is food in the fridge for them and simply calling regularly to ensure all is ok

The Princess Bride · 28-08-2015 9:29am

It seems to me like your wife has suddenly hit a brick wall, that she feels overwhelmed with her responsibilities.
She has probably felt this way for a while but bottled it up because -and this is my opinion only here- nobody outside has any sympathy for anyone feeling likely this . Think about it, we're all expected to be perfect adults and parents, but sometimes we forget to take care of ourselves we're so busy running around after everyone else.

She needs support and space, ideally she needs to talk to someone who'll listen without judging her.
Has she any close friends?(A counsellor would be good but if she's not ready for this,so be it.)

About her parents, has she siblings who can help or has she been solely responsible for their care/well being?
It's good that your children are teenagers and not toddlers, but they still need guidance and with heading back to school, they certainly need parental input.

She is probably feeling incredibly vulnerable and scared right now. I'd imagine she is coming across as tough and selfish,when really, she's merely being vocal after many months/years of going through the motions.

Best wishes OP-It can't be easy for any of you.

ShaShaBear · 28-08-2015 9:46am

I hate to speak ill of your wife (a total stranger) because it's obvious you love her and are worried, but she is being incredibly selfish. It seems, as another poster said, as though she is intentionally avoiding mediation because she wants to have her cake and eat it too. In order to keep the house for herself in a separation, she would need to have custody of the children - but that looks like something she does not want. At the minute, she seems content to retain her comfortable living arrangements and financial stability and support from you while gallivanting around and ignoring 6 family members who obviously need her.

I don't doubt for a second that she needs help, but if she is being this cruel it shouldn't really fall solely on you to see to it.

I'd recommend you initiate proceedings for a legal separation and one of you find somewhere else to live. If you will end up primarily caring for the kids, you should retain use of the family home and be able to do so without your wife coming and going as she pleases.
I also think, hard though it may be, that you might have to break it to her parents.

I think my Marriage is over

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