Groped by male work colleague at work party

LegacyUser · 24-01-2015 12:53am #1

So, as the title suggests, i got groped on my behind without conscent by a male work colleague a couple of weeks before Xmas at our work party.

Backgound: i'm working in this company just over a year. I started at roughly the same time as this man. We all sat in same area of the office, and I suppose since we were all new we would routinely go to the canteen for coffee and lunch break. There was another girl too who'd join us. I suppose we 3 were in our own core group but there would be others who we’d sit with in canteen too. Often there'd be 5 or 6 of us, but sometimes just the 3 of us. (Large multinational company).
So, the guy is an extrovert, joker, cheeky chap sort of guy. I suppose I thought he was sound enough and a bit of craic. Sometimes we'd all go to the cinema, out for drinks from time to time. I'd never meet him alone I must admit. Once or twice over the months I got tiny inkling that he might have some interest in me. Those thoughts made me uncomfortable; I hoped he was never going to make a move. Over the last few months or so I also got inklings that he's a bit of a stirrer, my gut told me he liked to exaggerate stories/ bad mouth people etc. I used to ignore this. He'd be a bit rude I guess. Although I don't' have any time for this carry out, I'd never contradict him/disagree. Just sit listen and draw my own conclusions. We got on well enough though, there'd be banter and slagging fairly often. On the whole, the other girl seems to like him too. He’s very ambitious and wants to climb the ladder. I see that he is adept at schmoozing and getting what he wants in work. I wouldn't fully trust him.

Moving on….. once or twice he has invaded my personal space. I'm a passive person so i'd never reprimand him on this. On a night out last summer, he was quite drunk and on the way home he slapped my bum and asked if he could come home with me. I immediately said no. Another guy we work with witnessed this. he said nothing. I didn't reprimand him on touching me. Again, i'm passive and have had a long difficulty with standing up for myself. i'm angry with myself for being so passive and compliant!

To be honest, over the past few months I've come to doubt his honesty, i wonder if he's just a friggin **** stirrer who gets kicks out of gossiping and perhaps plays some people off each other. I witnessed him telling a girl to her face something derogatory that a manager said about her. I felt he was just playing with people for his own amusement. I never distanced myself from him during this time, but just took mental notes. (I suppose if we all show our true feelings about people we work with then we wouldn't get very far?!). Mostly, he’d get along with people, and seems pretty popular from where I sat.

Fast forward to the Christmas party: There was a poor turn out from our dept, so i hardly knew anyone there. The result being that I spent most of my night talking to him and the female friend. A couple of guys at different stages came over to chat to me (lads I'd know vaguely). Both are nice guys and I had the craic with them. My male friend seemed to be watching me a lot, monitoring my behaviour and who I was talking to. I felt watched. He made comments like "he's married", " am I interrupting something?", when two different guys were chatting to me. Trying to put me off. He's a cheeky feker, cos if I reacted with ‘mind your own business’ or similar I would have gotten a 'oh touchy....' reaction. This guy has an answer for everything. Like I said, a cheeky chap. I just ignored him.
So, later in the night, we were standing when a random guy from work came over to chat. They knew each other. The other guy asked if we were a couple! I immediately said no. The only reason I can fathom for this question, was that we would have been seen hanging out most of the night. There was never anything between me and this man (my so called friend), and I never gave any signal to encourage him. I was standing with my back quite close to a wall. Just at that, he reached behind, grabbed and squeezed my bum!!!!!!!! I was stunned. It all happened so quickly. I'm fairly sure the second guy saw nothing, from what I remember the man was drunk. I didn't react to the grope. Again, I can be passive timid person. to this day I don't know why I didn't let rip. I'm think I was sent into a silent humiliation of some sort and I tried to block it out. I do not know how drunk that disgusting so-called friend was, but I didn't think he was that bad at all!! on reflection, I think he knew what he was doing, perhaps the drink just gave him the excuse to do what he wanted....
I pushed it to the back of my mind as much as I could. Nonetheless I found myself being quiet around him at work. I kept my distance a fair bit, but other days I must have blocked it out well as I was relatively OK with him some days...
For new years eve, a gang of us were supposed to go down the country and rent a cottage. He was on the list. I pulled out at the last minute, as I felt extremely uncomfortable at the prospects of being around him, or having to share the same house as him.
Once we came back to work in the new year, I started to feel upset, I kept my distance. I think the reality of what he did was hitting me, and I was seeing it for what it was. i.e. a disgusting violating act, and not what I made myself think it was at the time, a silly drunken mistake. i play it over and over in my head and I cannot see how he did it by mistake and I cannot see why I should let him off with it.
We are 3 weeks back at work, and to be honest I am at the point where the sight of him makes my skin crawl. I have distanced myself completely. He has noticed. I blanked him one of the days. Today, he came over acting all nice, (probably testing the water), I was cold and turned back to my computer screen. When he left I was trembling. I’m anxious.

people will ask me, why didn't I let rip on Day 1?! I’m not sure.... I have had problems with confidence/assertiveness for years (difficult early life, and was bullied at school. I see the good in people, I’m just too nice. I’m a bit of a doormat maybe. I really am very very angry with myself for not standing up for myself and shaming him there and then.
I suppose I need to confront him, but I find it so difficult. He sends a shiver down my spine. When I sit back and think about everythign I know about him, I realise he is a complete Sh*thead.
Any advice?

Merkin · 24-01-2015 2:01am

I'd avoid him like the plague. I wouldn't go to HR about it in this instance but I would a. Email myself a factual account of what happened that night so that it's recorded and b. Stay well out of his way. Don't beat yourself up about your reaction or lack thereof, if you are not assertive and were taken by surprise then that's hardly surprising.

Stop hanging out with him. No more going for coffee or lunch or being friendly and if he asks you why tell him that he knows exactly why and to stay well out of your way.

DukeOfTheSharp · 24-01-2015 3:20am

One thing you've got to understand, people freeze up out of shock or just plain confusion or fear. Blaming yourself, or anyone placing the blame on you, isn't right or fair, and the onus isn't on you to tell him off for being a total creep. My advice, go to HR and file a complaint, make it clear how his actions made you feel and they'll have to deal with him. I know it might seem like a big thing, but HR exists to make it clear to tools like him that he's to keep his hands to himself. What's more, than chances are he has done this to other women in the workplace, and you're one of many. I can't imagine how hard something like this must be, you've admitted your confidence issues, but that's not in any way a reflection on what he did. He didn't keep his hands to himself, he didn't respect your boundaries, he's to blame and should be reprimanded by HR for his actions. I guess what I'm saying is: if this chap was in his right mind, he'd be humiliated by his actions, and you shouldn't have to feel that way because it wasn't your fault.

What's more, add to your HR complaint that he makes you feel anxious, that you're worried and that his actions have left you feeling less than happy in the work environment, or outside of it. Trust your instincts around him, if he honestly makes you feel that uncomfortable then you can't keep quiet about it, HR is your best shot. Do yourself a favour and have a friend with you at all times (walking home and the like/to a bus/taxi) as this chap clearly has boundary issues, harassing you might very well be part of his MO.

osarusan · 24-01-2015 7:07am

I would go to HR and tell them what's happened and make a complaint. You might want to ask the other possible witnesses if they'd seen anything, to support you. For all you know, there are others who've suffered in the same way. What he's doing is unacceptable, and he possibly thinks that even if you don't like it, you're not going to do anything about it. Show him he's wrong.

Even if you don't want to make an actual complaint, I would advise going to HR myself also - you can (if you want) say that you just want them to know about it, but not take any action about it. You just want to explain that you don't want to be around him more than absolutely necessary.

It's still better that they know your side of the story earlier rather than later. If your distant relationship becomes an issue at work, people will wonder why you are suddenly bringing it up and hadn't mentioned it earlier.

As for 'confronting him', you could just prepare a short speech to give him, and deliver it some place where other people can see but not hear you talking to each other. Let him know what he did was unacceptable and that you want him to stay away from you. Make sure he knows he can't just pretend nothing has happened.

seventeen sheep · 24-01-2015 9:34am

I'd be with Merkin on this. I don't think there's any point in going to HR right now.

The reason I don't think it would be entirely appropriate to so is because, really, you weren't just colleagues at the time. You had built up a friendship over the course of a year. Everyone at work will be aware that the two of you were friends, that you ate lunch together every day, that you went to the cinema and for drinks with him outside of work (albeit as part of a group). So it's not like it was some random colleague you'd never spoken to who just came up and groped you out of nowhere. You'd spent the evening of the party with him ... he was completely wrong to do what he did, but he may have misread the situation and thought that you were on the same page as him. By the sounds of it, he didn't try anything else afterwards (I assume your reaction - or even your lack of reaction - made it clear that you were in no way interested, and at least it seems he respected this.)

So ... you wouldn't really be complaining to HR about a colleague acting inappropriately; it's more a case that a friend of yours (who happens to be a colleague) overstepped boundaries when he was drunk. I don't think going through HR is the appropriate channel here, at all.

I think you should deal with this by keeping your relationship strictly professional. Talk to him only about work matters, and only when you have to. Communicate by e-mail when possible, rather than phone/face-to-face. Don't engage with him at all at social events.

If he ever asks you why you don't speak to him anymore, be completely honest - "You touched me inappropriately at the Christmas party. I feel very uncomfortable around you now, and no longer wish to be friends with you. I hope this won't affect our professional working relationship. I don't want to discuss this any further with you."

Now, if he were to pursue you or hassle you any further after all of this, then it might be time to consider speaking to HR about possibly one of you transferring departments, something like that. For now though, if I were in your position, I'd be happier to just try to handle the problem myself, if possible.

amdublin · 24-01-2015 9:41am

You are saying you are unhappy with the way you reacted. To my mind you have reacted just fine. He asked you back after a night out - you clearly said No, fair play.

Sometimes a reaction to a grope does not have to be dramatic i.e. a big slap across the face or shouting at someone.
To my mind by not hanging around him now you are sending the clear message (bearing in mind the type of person you are) that this was not acceptable.

As another poster said, and if I were you, I'd not hang around with him again and if he says anything I'd say: giving my bum a squeeze on x night was not acceptable.

Me personally, I wouldn't be going to HR, I'd be dealing with it myself at this point as per above. If it continued I would be considering escalating.

Buona Fortuna · 24-01-2015 10:54am

Hi OP,

I think Merkin is bang on the money

, and I probably wouldn't have replied other than to say.

Don't feel bad about how you reacted - you did absolutely fine.

This guy is a total creep.

jopax · 24-01-2015 10:59am

Agree with Merkin and amdublin 100℅, I would not go to hr with this.
I think you have learned yourself what kind of a creep he is, just stay well away.
Personally I would be afraid of opening up a whole can of worms, the stress and anxiety that would result from confronting this wouldn't be worth it.
You used your head by cancelling the break away, just keep your wits about you where he is concerned.
Pass him in work if you have to for your own sake with a yes or no answer kind of thing.
Don't feel bad about what happened, a lot of people would just freeze in them situations.
I know it feels horrible what happened but I would just take it as a lesson learned, and a lucky escape as sorts.
You seem very intelligent and clued in, so don't leave him knock your confidence.

Zen65 · 24-01-2015 12:24pm

seventeen sheep wrote: »

So ... you wouldn't really be complaining to HR about a colleague acting inappropriately; it's more a case that a friend of yours (who happens to be a colleague) overstepped boundaries when he was drunk.

Seventeen Sheep is correct about this, and like Merkin the advice not to take this encounter to HR is (IMHO as a people-manager for over 30 years) spot on.

Also, you need to be aware that how you feel about him is entirely within your own control, so there is no basis for making a complaint to HR that he makes you feel uneasy, or that your skin crawls when he is near you. These are your issues, not his.

Two things stand out for me in your OP:

You have issues around self-expression that are harming your mental health, albeit not in a dramatic way.
Until you explain to this man why he has upset you, you will always feel unhappy about being near him.

The core issue for you is not being comfortable speaking your mind. While that behaviour persists it is only a matter of time before somebody else upsets you, then somebody else, and eventually you may find it unbearable to work with people. Taking a passive response such as not speaking to him except about work, not going out to social functions that he will be attending etc. will not change his behaviour towards you in any significant way. Men are generally poor at reading subtle actions, and the time gap between his action and your response is too great to have any impact.

Speaking your mind does not require conflict. You can learn to do it appropriately and it is actually a very liberating and empowering thing. Rather than damaging relationships it can make them stronger, and more equal.

I would suggest that you should look at doing some assertiveness training. You may find that your HR function can help you source such training. I also think it would help if you took up a physical activity that required strong verbal skills (such as orienteering or sailing) or one that encouraged building inner resilience (a martial art, for example). Toastmasters is an excellent organisation for helping people to learn the skill of public speaking, which is really powerful when it comes to self-expression. They regularly get new members who are shy or introverted and they are not at all pushy about helping you to speak up, whether that's just one sentence or a full-blown public debate. I'd strongly encourage you to find your local branch and get involved - I think it would change your life for the better.

Finally, stop beating yourself up for not being more assertive. Many people find it difficult to freely speak their minds, especially if they have had experiences like bullying when they were younger. Take pride in your determination to change, and do not dwell on what your starting point was.

Be at peace,

LegacyUser · 24-01-2015 12:48pm

Don't listen to those telling you not to go to HR, you were sexually assaulted at work this is the exact thing HR is there for, and it makes no difference if you were friendly with him or if it was a stranger.

If you don't want to make a scene you can ask HR for a confidential meeting, that way anything you say is 100% confidential but it is on record If it gets worse.

I would strongly recommend this course of action, it is clear this is affecting you and the last thing you need is more implications that you somehow led him on by being friendly and need to sweep it under the rug.

FactCheck · 24-01-2015 12:54pm

I think that given what you've said about him being a gossip and fond of spreading lies, explicitly explaining to him why you are upset could really backfire for you. I doubt very much that hearing that you didn't enjoy being groped out of the blue will prompt a massive personality change for him. He's not an idiot, he knows you didn't like being groped. He just didn't care. It's far more likely he will attempt to pre-empt any trouble from HR by going on the attack. Expect him to start telling everybody you came on to him and are now sulking because he rebuffed you. And generally assassinating your character.

Unfortunately, NOT telling him why you're no longer interested in being his friend will probably also lead to this. He's not stupid, he'll figure it out. So perhaps getting a word in with HR before he can might be a good idea. You never know, others may have reported him too and this could be the straw that breaks the camel's back.

On the other hand, the culture in your workplace could be such that you are labelled a hysterical troublemaker and find your own work prospects suffer.

That's something only you can assess really.

I'm very sorry you have been put in this situation. It is not your fault and there are no easy ways to help yourself out of it. Hopefully it will all blow over. At the very least, please stop blaming yourself as you have behaved and reacted in a perfectly normal way to everything. You have nothing to reproach yourself with there.

DeclanJWhite · 24-01-2015 2:33pm

What a nightmare it is to be in a passion of anger with oneself. You sound like you are dying for this man to present you with just one more opportunity for you to assert yourself against his bad behaviour and then you will vindicate yourself to yourself, and restore back to yourself your pride and sense of calm.

When that moment comes, you'll be on a high all day, delighted with yourself. I think you've learnt great things from knowing this man, and they'll be the makings of that aspect of yourself you're dissatisfied with - that lovely quality that unpleasant people take advantage of, where a mile is taken whenever an inch is given.

Why didn't you let rip that first time he slapped you on the bum and asked you to come home with him, you ask? And why didn't the other male colleague with you not instantly say to him on your behalf 'what do you think you are doing? That is no way to treat a lady'.

You will let rip the next time. That is to say, you won't let rip, but you'll calmly assert yourself against any mistreatment he's unwise enough to dare to try on again. And any empty charm offensive he tries on will not work as an evasive tactic in the face of your calm, confident insistence that he respect you.

I think the productive anger you've accumulated with yourself has already wrought change in you, going by the passionate energy of your post. You won't let yourself off the hook in the way you perhaps have before. Those days are over. :-) Sincere salutations.

There's no point in going to HR at his point. This is a personal battle; you don't want anyone else defending you just yet. This man - or the experience you've had with this man so far - stands for all the confrontations you'll be addressing directly for the rest of your no doubt happy life.

amdublin · 24-01-2015 2:49pm

Alanonymous wrote: »

...

I would strongly recommend this course of action, it is clear this is affecting you and the last thing you need is more implications that you somehow led him on by being friendly and need to sweep it under the rug.

Who is implying this

Kidchameleon · 24-01-2015 5:44pm

Be careful about blanking him at work. This can be deemed as bullying. Your better off being civil.

StevieNicksFan · 24-01-2015 10:03pm

Kidchameleon wrote: »

Be careful about blanking him at work. This can be deemed as bullying. Your better off being civil.

I have to strongly disagree. This man groped her without consent. Violated her and made her feel extremely uncomfortable in work and rightly so. Now you recommend SHE has to watch was SHE does in case SHE is called up for bullying? Absolutely ridiculous.

I could never even look in the direction of someone who did that, never mind be civil to them. That would be validating his behaviour and basically saying ah yea no big deal what you did, im going to be civil and pretend everything is a-ok. The word bullying is completely inappropriate to throw into the OP's situation as she has every right to distance herself from this man.

I can guarantee you now if the OP is called up for bullying (very unlikely) the tables will most definately turn on him if she discloses the reasons why she is ignoring him. OP i would continue to do what you are doing now, have as little contact as possible and only communicate when absolutely necessary. Even at that keep it short, sweet and to the point. Look after yourself OP x

LegacyUser · 24-01-2015 11:23pm

Hi OP,
I feel compelled to reply to your post.
4 years ago, I was involved in an incident like this.
Christmas party and all, and I (had) a very similar personality to yours.

I was working in the company 3 months. I didnt really get to know anyone, so I went to the Christmas party. Had good craic etc. Of course people were getting more drunk. A manager took a shine to me. He would not leave me alone that night. Amongst other things, he even followed me into the toilet. I went for a cigarette to cool the jetts and he followed me too. And told me in graphic terms if I was to go to his hotel that night, what he'd do to me. All along I was telling me to leave me alone, taking into account that he was a manager in a new place I was working. And he wouldnt listen.

To say I was scared was an under statement. I was terrified. I was also very angry.

Following week we are back in the office, and am trying to stay out of his way. And I did a good job (I was terrified Id be left in a room with him/what he might do/I was so scared), until I went into the canteen part of our kitchen and as wide as the kitchen is, he rubbed up against me. I just froze with the shock.

I was so distracted on my way home, I crashed my car! Yep.....bout e4000 of damage because I was so distracted and upset. At this stage, I then resolved I had 2 months to go to fulfill a 6 month contract. And then Id be gone. But a few days later, a manager called me into the office and said "we've a permanent position for you. hurrah" and with that, I just started bawling. I mean, bawling. And I said, no thank you-I have to leave here. Eventually after much coaxing, my manager got it out of me.

And I went to HR. And HR told me I was right to complain. And I had every right to complain. And that Id done the right thing (in case he done it to anyone else). He was reprimanded for it (there was a witness for one stage of it - when he tried to drag me out the door of the pub - I mean really violently, a colleague asked what was going on and told him to back off - was only at that stage he did back off.) He was told hed be fired. Except, I asked mercy on his job - I didnt want anyone to be fired. I wanted him to realise what hed done was wrong, and apologise. I took power away from him.

I dont get why females put up with this s*ite. And "dont report to HR". In work places or work nights out, there is etiquette that you follow. You go have a colleague grope your arse, or whatever, and then go work with them. You dont feel safe. Her arse or her body is not a piece of meat.

And it is all his own doing/responsibility (for a long long time I blamed myself-I "mustve" done something wrong.

Myself OP from this experience, Ive become a lot more assertive, in many aspects of my life.

Ironically, the only person who couldnt get her head around what happened what the manager who I blurted it all out to. All she could say was "but he is such a nice guy". She also passed a few comments over the years (he has since left). But I see it as babyish (she is in her 50s). I would 95% guess she has had inappropriate things happen her with colleagues, and she never had the guts/balls to say anything, so she "normalised" it all. Its not normal. So, anyone here discouraging you to not say anything (even an informal chat with a HR rep or something-just to get it out there/off your chest), really dont know what they are talking about.

Fear breeds contempt.

Chucky the tree · 24-01-2015 11:51pm

StevieNicksFan wrote: »

I have to strongly disagree. This man groped her without consent. Violated her and made her feel extremely uncomfortable in work and rightly so. Now you recommend SHE has to watch was SHE does in case SHE is called up for bullying? Absolutely ridiculous.

I could never even look in the direction of someone who did that, never mind be civil to them. That would be validating his behaviour and basically saying ah yea no big deal what you did, im going to be civil and pretend everything is a-ok. The word bullying is completely inappropriate to throw into the OP's situation as she has every right to distance herself from this man.

I can guarantee you now if the OP is called up for bullying (very unlikely) the tables will most definately turn on him if she discloses the reasons why she is ignoring him. OP i would continue to do what you are doing now, have as little contact as possible and only communicate when absolutely necessary. Even at that keep it short, sweet and to the point. Look after yourself OP x

Well, yes. There are no witnesses to the grope. If the OP does not interact with the lad who groped her then chances are she won't be able to do her job properly. If that happens then there is only one person going to be shown the door here, and it's going to be the OP.

She has very few options.

A) complain and hope he gets fired(unlikely)

Be professional and interact with him as her is needed for her to do her job properly
C) Leave and find a new job.

amdublin · 24-01-2015 11:59pm

I don't think he would get fired if she complains to HR.

Likely he will just "training" that it is in inappropriate and maybe a warning.

Kidchameleon · 25-01-2015 12:11am

@StevieNicksFan,

I'm not in the slightest bit suggesting the OP validate his behavior. I suggested she 'be careful' how she deals with it. If there were no witnesses to his grope, there could well be witnesses to her shunning. Do you think the guy in question here would be the type to turn the tables if the situation were to go to HR? I have seen pretty much that exact scenario happen in the recent past. Shunning a staff member is textbook bullying (check your own company's bullying and harassment policy, I have no doubt its mentioned) Ignoring a person is neither an adult nor a good way to deal with this situation.

StevieNicksFan wrote: »

Now you recommend SHE has to watch was SHE does in case SHE is called up for bullying? Absolutely ridiculous.

Its not in the slightest bit ridiculous, she really could be called up for bullying. As I have said, ive seen it happen and I've no doubt some of my fellow boardsies have too.

LegacyUser · 25-01-2015 12:12am

StevieNicksFan wrote: »

I have to strongly disagree. This man groped her without consent. Violated her and made her feel extremely uncomfortable in work and rightly so. Now you recommend SHE has to watch was SHE does in case SHE is called up for bullying? Absolutely ridiculous.

I could never even look in the direction of someone who did that, never mind be civil to them. That would be validating his behaviour and basically saying ah yea no big deal what you did, im going to be civil and pretend everything is a-ok. The word bullying is completely inappropriate to throw into the OP's situation as she has every right to distance herself from this man.

I can guarantee you now if the OP is called up for bullying (very unlikely) the tables will most definately turn on him if she discloses the reasons why she is ignoring him. OP i would continue to do what you are doing now, have as little contact as possible and only communicate when absolutely necessary. Even at that keep it short, sweet and to the point. Look after yourself OP x

I think you are mixing up what should happen, and what might well happen. Of course the OP shouldn't be called out for bullying, but unfortunately it might well happen if she refuses to work with the guy in a civil manner - because that is very obviously behaviour that isn't condoned in the workplace, and will have multiple witnesses. To say that you guarantee that won't happen is ridiculous.

Of course the guy shouldn't have pinched her bum, but it's he said / she said, no witnesses, so I would presume at most he can be given a warning. Not sure how that works if he denies it to the hilt. On the other hand, if she refuses to work with him, that's a verifiable transgression and a yellow card right there.

strandroad · 25-01-2015 12:55am

Go to HR and ask discreetly what the procedure is if you were groped by a unnamed colleague at a company party. Listen to what they say and if it sounds like it makes sense for you, come back and give them the name.

Talking to him alone makes no sense, he knows full well what he did and why you cut contact.

You do want the complaint registered though in case he started to make things difficult for you by further approaches or backstabbing gossip.

StevieNicksFan · 25-01-2015 1:50am

Kidchameleon wrote: »

@StevieNicksFan,

I'm not in the slightest bit suggesting the OP validate his behavior. I suggested she 'be careful' how she deals with it. If there were no witnesses to his grope, there could well be witnesses to her shunning. Do you think the guy in question here would be the type to turn the tables if the situation were to go to HR? I have seen pretty much that exact scenario happen in the recent past. Shunning a staff member is textbook bullying (check your own company's bullying and harassment policy, I have no doubt its mentioned) Ignoring a person is neither an adult nor a good way to deal with this situation.

Its not in the slightest bit ridiculous, she really could be called up for bullying. As I have said, ive seen it happen and I've no doubt some of my fellow boardsies have too.

I have checked my own companys bullying policy and seeing as I am the only employee in my business it is not mentioned. I would advise to direct the advice towards the OP instead of having a presumtious idea about whats in my (not relevant) company rules.

Back to the OP's situation, As i have suggested, deal with him within work situations and limit it to that. If HR raise a query as to why you are limiting conversation you should inform them of what has happened. Then they will know there is an underlying reason why this is occuring and its not as simple as an open and shut case of bullying. Plus then they will have it on record - keeping everything above board and following company policy.

LegacyUser · 25-01-2015 4:20am

Hi Op, you poor thing. He is a d*ckhead essentially. Best to keep your distance. Might I make a suggestion, this is how I approached something before. I was not groped by guy but he did on a number of instances say lewd / sexual things to me that made me feel uncomfortable when others were not around in work. One day he crossed the line, and I like you did not respond at time but when I reflected on it I got really peeved off. So I wrote down what happened in notebook and said to myself I would take note of anything that might happen in future (including dates, comments, any witnesses etc). Then I mentioned it to manager (whom I get on well with and felt I could discuss with) that I was having some issues with X person and that they had made me feel a bit uncomfortable but that I did not wish to raise it to HR level but rather that I was going to discuss it with the X person and hope that it would resolve then (this was in case things got worse that at least I would have aired it somewhere beforehand). Then I waited till an appropriate time where I could speak with X person in private and simply said that I had felt uncomfortable with what they had said and would appreciate if they could be respectful and professional in future, they apologised and I never had any trouble from them again in the future.

Taltos · 25-01-2015 9:44am

Stevie & Kid,

Spats like yours just derail threads. Please don't post like this again in PI/RI as it will result in moderator action.

Thanks
Taltos

tara73 · 25-01-2015 12:00pm

OP, definetely go to HR and let them know what he's done. the fact you're posting here means you are distressed about it and probably are in fear and there's not a single reason people like this should get away with such bullying.

very important, there might be already other complains about him, if different people independently from each other reporting him, it's more of a proof and HR can take action.

personally I would recommend to tell this scumbag very clear and loudly to f** off. if he's ever doing sth. like groping you again, and others are around, I would scream at him and make the situation public. I know it's not easy for some people but you need to learn to defend yourself, stand up for yourself. people like this guy feel with whom they can do it, who won't be able to defend themselves, that's why he choose you. I would bet if you shout at him and tell him to not dare to touch you ever again, he would be very stupid to do it again. you have every right to do this.

ahnow · 25-01-2015 2:30pm

Don't be too hard on yourself for not letting rip at him, when people cross boundaries like that it can often be so shocking you wouldn't be ready for him.
Dont interact with him. Try and remember the dates of the groping and when he was invading your personal space and go straight to HR and log a complaint.
Creepy ****er!

JeffKenna · 25-01-2015 2:43pm

Hi OP,

Just in relation to the suggestions here about going to HR...did these events happen at official work parties? Obviously the Christmas party was official but did he grope you at the party or was it when the party was over and everyone had moved to a pub together..aka the unofficial party/carry on party? Again the same with the previous incidents...were they at official company night outs or just a group of people working together going on the piss? If these events didn't happen at official company parties then I can't see how HR would come into it.

ahnow · 25-01-2015 3:32pm

Because she's being sexually harassed by someone she works with...

JeffKenna wrote: »

Hi OP,

Just in relation to the suggestions here about going to HR...did these events happen at official work parties? Obviously the Christmas party was official but did he grope you at the party or was it when the party was over and everyone had moved to a pub together..aka the unofficial party/carry on party? Again the same with the previous incidents...were they at official company night outs or just a group of people working together going on the piss? If these events didn't happen at official company parties then I can't see how HR would come into it.

JeffKenna · 25-01-2015 5:02pm

ahnow wrote: »

Because she's being sexually harassed by someone she works with...

Not in the work place though...HR can only implement their policies regarding sexual harassment if it happens in the work place or at an official work event...

strobe · 25-01-2015 6:23pm

Tbh it just sounds like a friend from work being a bit inappropriate and trying his luck when a bit drunk at a party. I'd just forget about it. If you don't want to be his friend then don't anymore, but I think you've built something fairly tame and minor into a massive deal in your head. Just carry on with your life and keep your relationship with him strictly professional from now on if that's what you want to do.

LostinKildare · 25-01-2015 7:33pm

JeffKenna wrote: »

Not in the work place though...HR can only implement their policies regarding sexual harassment if it happens in the work place or at an official work event...

The groping incident did occur at an official work event --- the office Christmas party.

But even if it had happened outside of work, HR still would have to deal with it if it resulted in the employee being treated differently while back at work:

Sexual harassment is any form of “unwanted verbal, non-verbal or physical conduct of a sexual nature”. In both cases it is defined as conduct which “has the purpose or effect of violating a person’s dignity and creating an intimidating, hostile, degrading, humiliating or offensive environment for the person” and it is prohibited under the Acts. . . .
Harassment can take place at work or on a training course, on a work trip, at a work social event or any other occasion connected with your job.
Under the Acts, your employer may also be held responsible if harassment takes place completely outside the course of your employment but you are treated differently at work because of your rejection or acceptance of the harassment.

The above is from Citizen's Information here: http://www.citizensinformation.ie/en/employment/equality_in_work/harassment_at_work.html

The link is worth a read. It says that

you should begin by making it very clear to the person concerned that you find his or her behaviour, conduct, material and so on, unacceptable and offensive. If you find this uncomfortable or too difficult to do, you should seek support (or for an initial approach to be made on your behalf) by a sympathetic friend or colleague, a designated person at work or a trade union representative.

If I were you I'd tell him, in writing, that his advances are unwelcome and to knock it off. You will feel better about yourself if you do, and you will also be giving him a chance to cop himself on.

If you want to confront him in person, perhaps bring someone with you. You say you don't think the other guy talking to you at the party noticed the groping, but maybe he did. Or what about the other work colleague who witnessed the butt-slapping incident months ago?

If after you confront him he persists or is rude or whatever to you, then go to HR. Don't brush it off.

Groped by male work colleague at work party

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