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what would you do?
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28-10-2014 11:27pm#1Well guys,
before I start, please don't judge me...
I'm a married woman with two little kids. Overall, everybody says what a lovely couple we are, never argue, get on well with each other, plenty of sex, ideal marriage. Even though, 10 out of 10 men find me very, very attractive, my husband is of a different opinion and he has this passion for other women and i'm simply not good enough. Basically said, he makes moves on other women, even in front of me and his big "fanclub" inludes all my cousins, best friends, neighbours, etc. Of course, he always denies it and it's always just in my mind. Anyway, over those years I've learnt that I can't trust him and that he'll always find other women better simply because he doesn't love me and has no respect for me and since my children come first, I've learnt to keep quiet and just to ignore it. Even though, deeply inside i feel very lonely and unloved.
Two years ago I met this guy. He made move on me and I didn't follow, so he got angry, because he thought I was playing games with him. So I met him private and explained to him that my marriage doesn't work but I simply can't cheat on my husband. So that was it, he said if I ever wanted to call in his house for a cup of tea I said I would but I never did. Months passed and we ended dealing with each other from a business perspective. And he helped me awfull lot. Then he broke up with his girlfriend, set up a facebook account and I send him a message what a lovely picture he had on it. Somehow our paths crossed a lot at that time and I couldn't be happier seeing we were friends, but he made move again and I stepped back again. Even though I was absolutely mad about him and I just couldn't hide it in front of him. So he got angry and when I asked him what was going on he said that "I don't behave normal, telling him it's not going to happen and then... just go back to your husband" and he literally run away from me. So I sent him a letter (2 pages) where I explained that yes I didn't behave normal because I was absolutely mad about him and that I'm only realizing now that I have to let him go off my life. Of course I happened to meet him couple of times shortly after and he seemed to be very upset that I'd said goodbye to him. But we ended up doing business once again and he helped me again and he talked to me over the phone like if nothing happened and I thought we finally settled to be friends. But any time there was a chance to meet me, he'd send his business partner to deal with me. Funny enough, I get on very well with his business partner and we could spend all day talking, joking, like best friends. His business partner (and his good friend) seems to see me the way I am and he sees what a genuine person I am and even though he certainly is informed of the situation, he still remains being very nice to me. So I thought that was it, the fella doesn't want to see me or to deal with me, simply it's over, we move on. But he spotted me few weeks ago and he was so captivated by me that he just stood there and looked at me a good while. I pretended being busy and not to see him. Last week he took a chance to catch me when I was passing by and asked me a business-related question, but he'd run toward me good distance to make sure he stands very close to me. His eyes were very angry, even though mine were saying that I was still in love with him. He'd promised to call me back but he never did so I left a message for him (business related) with his business partner.
I just don't know what to do, beacuse I've never been in love this much and he is a very genuine guy who, in my opinion, lacks a lot of confidence and I feel a lot of sadness coming from him. I would love to make him happy and take away his low self-esteem from him but I just can't sleep with him. I also feel very thankfull to him since he's done so much for me, never asked a penny from me. Should I go and talk to him or should I just put my head down and stick to the decision no to be part of his life any more? Is it a bad idea to send him a friend request on facebook?
would anyone tell me what is going on in his head???0
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So your husband cheats on you and now you want to enter into a relationship (?) with a guy that was trying to cheat on his previous girlfriend with you? Doesn't seem like a great idea tbh.0
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I don't know if that's a cheating if he doesn't get to sleep with those women, but the "romantic involvement" would go for years in certain cases. In front of my eyes. And them poor women, in certain cases, are unable to look in my eyes or they get blushing when they see me. I lost many of my good friends thanks to him (because he made move on them and they started to dream of him).
Yes, he wanted to cheat on her and that's what's bothering me. However, I'm a type of a women that it's hard to resist to. Not that I care, but I'm naturally beuatifull, with a body of a modell. Barely wearing any make-up, intelligent and genuinely nice. I keep asking myself does he get to sleep with many women or it's just me because I'm way too attractive...0 -
You need to forget about this other guy right now.
You need to figure out first of all if you want to stay with your husband or not. I suspect that you don't.
If you do want to stay with your husband, then you and your husband need to sort things out.
Even if you decide you don't want to stay with your husband, this other relationship is probably a bad idea for the moment. You have two little kids. They should be your priority. If your marriage falls apart, then you need first of all to concentrate on what this means for you and your kids, and not about what it means for you and another relationship.0 -
would anyone tell me what is going on in his head???
He fancied you,probably still does,but you've told him he's no chance, so he's trying to avoid you, although he seems to be finding it difficult to do so.
Regardless.
Your concern shouldn't be him,it should be you.
If you're not happy with how your husband treats you, then you need to rethink your life as it is.
You don't deserve to be lonely and unloved, surely?0 -
Right, so you're in a miserable marriage with a man who seems to make moves on anything female with a pulse. Have you considered leaving him? If not, why? He's not much of a role model for the children, is he? When they get older they'll think that it's acceptable for men to behave in the way your husband does and for women to sit back and accept it.
I wonder were you going for the same sort of man again when you took a fancy to this other bloke? I mean he was with his girlfriend but made a move on you?
The rest of your paragraph reads like an overwrought Mills & Boon novel to be honest. It sounds like he has gotten sick of you blowing hot and cold and is trying to keep his distance. I don't blame him either. You're leading him up the garden path, then slamming the door in his face. Besides, there's the obvious baggage that you come with. You still have a husband and two kids. Put it this way: if he posted here about you, we'd all be advising him to run for the hills.
You'd be better off sorting your own domestic circumstances first. You're living in la-la land if you think that you stand a chance of meeting someone else or having a relationship while you're still with your husband. Unless you fancy being someone's bit on the side? I think you're hiding away from the reality of what's happening in your own marriage and how to resolve it. Instead it's easier to fantasize. Even if this man makes another move on you and this time you reciprocate, it's not going to go anywhere, is it? Let's be realistic here.0 -
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Did you put a similar post up a few months ago OP?0
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You seem to have a problem with getting involved with awful men.
Look it seems clear this other guy does not really want much to do with you.
I think you are infatuated and need to realize that and move on. Stop trying to contact him through his friend partner. He does not like you or want to be with you. Why did you think he was captivated with you? I think you are reading too much into things because of low self esteem.
He said you don't behave normally and wanted you to go back to your husband. I really think you need to look clearly at this. This other man does not seem to have feelings for you as you seem to think.
'But any time there was a chance to meet me, he'd send his business partner to deal with me.'
He is trying to avoid you. There is something of an illisionary tone in your narrative.
You feel lonely and unloved. You are feeling vulnerable. Tell the other guy to hop it. And talk with your husband. If you decide you don't love him or he cannot give you what you need then you need to realize you will never be satisfied and you need to consider can you stay in that relationship.
Neither of these men can fulfill you as is.
If you really love this other guy. Then be with him full stop. If it is true and you say you love him. Then bite the bullet. Be with him. Don't you want a committed relationship?0 -
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I got as far as 'i'm very, very attractive'. Sorry, consider yourself judged :pac: spam0
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Mod note:
J Mysterio - please read our charter. Posting as you just did is not acceptable here and can result in a ban. Having been warned before in PI you know by now that this is a strictly moderated forum. If you have no constructive advice please just don't post.
Thanks
Taltos0 -
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Neither you nor your husband seem happy in your marriage. You both seem to think you could do better...
Why not separate and be happy with other people?0 -
Join Date:Posts: 25439
Lily, you married a womaniser. Its that simple. You could be Miss World (maybe you even are!) and he would still be chasing other women. He craves the attention and adulation and gets a kick from it. He doesnt care who he hurts or embarasses along the way as long as his ego is fed - you, your children, the wider family - he does not care. Its all about him. He no longer loves you or respects you.
That's not gorgeous. Thats ugly and cruel.
As for the other man. Well, he was happy to cheat on his partner with you. You werent that high on his pedestal that he thought more of you than a shag on the side. He got angry when he realised you wouldnt just hop into bed with him. If he cared for you in any way, he would have respected that, even admired your principles, and waited for you to maybe separate and do things properly. Instead, he tossed you away. Couldnt be arsed with you. Because he never wanted you full time. You are a married woman who let him think you were willing to cheat.
If you are so stunning, and nice and kind to boot, why do you settle for such losers?
It seems to me you are obsessed with physical appearances - in your husband, in you, in your marriage. I think you are staying in The Perfect Marriage with The Perfect Husband to keep up appearances, and you are losing your self bit by bit in the process. What happens in a few years when your looks start to fade and you are no longer the arm candy for him that you used to be? He will leave and find another 10. In a few years he will be ogling the friends of your children as they reach maturity. Then you might see him for what he is - an utter sleaze.
Happiness is knowing you are loved utterly by your partner - when you have been ill and look dreadful, when you've put on a few pounds, when you've gained a few wrinkles, when things become less perky and perfect and they look at you and still get massively turned on by what they see. And you know that nobody else floats their boat that way. That they have zero sexual interest in your friends or your sisters.
My advice? Separate and do the decent thing for yourself, give yourself a chance at happiness. Then, after taking a little time to yourself, I'd recommend counselling to see why you make bad decisions with men - the common denominator is YOU here - look beyond the superficial, find someone who is kind and loyal and faithful to you and grab happiness with both hands.0 -
Neyite, you're spot-on with the description of my husband. It's not only his interest in other women (yes, he doesn't care about their feelings either), it's also the comments that he makes. I'm basically his doormat and he takes a great pleasure to make me feel low about myself in every single way he can. Exactly as you noted, it's his big ego that makes him behaving this way.
However, I come from a very disfunctional family and had a very bad childhood, so my intentions are to make my kids happy every single day of my life. Even if it means to put on a fake mask of happiness. I can't share my worries or my feelings, or even my health or job issues with him because he simply couldn't care less. And I learnt to live this way because I think there's a lot more serious problems in the families and I CAN'T put my selfish need for love before my kids' needs. But I think I'd reached my bottom and slowly but surely I'm learning to get my own life in this whole "golden cage" that i'm in.
With regards to this other fella, I think he had only found me very attractive and very easy to get in the beginning. But as I resisted, I think he found himself too much interested in me. That's judging from looking in his eyes. The sadness that I could see, along with the softness, that's what I believe has happened to him. But we were on a different page as I thought we were okay to be friends and he thought I was going to sleep with him.
And then again, he's done awfull lot for me, helped me a lot and I don't know should I just say thank you I appreciate it or should I just leave it unnoticed...
And when it comes to very positive description of me... I couldn't care less whether men like me or not, however, for some reason they find me attractive. It was only noted here as to describe the situation, meaning that I could have any man I'd point at, but except this one, I usually don't care and my usuall respond to their interest in me is that I turn my head down and put a cold face on me.
And I never experienced what it meant to be loved utterly, definitely not with my husband. But I thought that was normal...0 -
If your kids grow up watching their dad carrying on like a horny teenager they're hardly likely to be happy are they? Too many people make the mistake of staying in unhappy situations thinking that they are making their kids happy. You are the only one who can decide what's best for you, and your children. I just think you are misguided in thinking THIS situation is good, for anyone.0
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You start off criticizing your husband for flirting with other women but then you proceed to tell us that you want a flirtation with another man, well that's what it is isn't it, because you don't want to sleep with him. In your words you say you can have any man you flick your fingers at because men find you so attractive, so why isn't this charm working on your husband ? The man you are playing games with has copped on to you and wants to be left alone, so unless you leave your husband you have no chance with him. What advice do you actually want here, is it that you want to hear that this new man is crazy about you, considering other men seem to be, or what ?
My best advice would be to try and sort things out with your husband, go to marriage counselling and if all this fails then leave him and then you will be in a position to find someone new.0 -
Neyite, you're spot-on with the description of my husband. It's not only his interest in other women (yes, he doesn't care about their feelings either), it's also the comments that he makes. I'm basically his doormat and he takes a great pleasure to make me feel low about myself in every single way he can. Exactly as you noted, it's his big ego that makes him behaving this way
However, I come from a very dysfunctional family and had a very bad childhood, so my intentions are to make my kids happy every single day of my life. Even if it means to put on a fake mask of happiness. I can't share my worries or my feelings, or even my health or job issues with him because he simply couldn't care less. And I learnt to live this way because I think there's a lot more serious problems in the families and I CAN'T put my selfish need for love before my kids' needs. But I think I'd reached my bottom and slowly but surely I'm learning to get my own life in this whole "golden cage" that i'm in.
I'm thinking your dysfunctional family and bad childhood really have coloured your way of thinking. It sounds like you crave stability at all costs, even if it means staying with a man who's an awful husband. Kids aren't stupid. When they get older they'll figure out what's going on. Just as your growing up experience has taught you to cling onto an awful marriage and live in a golden cage, what you and your husband are doing will affect your kids too.With regards to this other fella, I think he had only found me very attractive and very easy to get in the beginning. But as I resisted, I think he found himself too much interested in me. That's judging from looking in his eyes. The sadness that I could see, along with the softness, that's what I believe has happened to him. But we were on a different page as I thought we were okay to be friends and he thought I was going to sleep with him.
And then again, he's done awfull lot for me, helped me a lot and I don't know should I just say thank you I appreciate it or should I just leave it unnoticed...
You're reading all this in his eyes? Seriously?? That sounds like something straight out of Mills and Boon. Let's be honest here, you never wanted this man's friendship. You might not know what it is you want either but it's probably an escape of some sort from your miserable marriage.
Loneliness and low self esteem are a lethal mix when you're feeling like you do. I think you've turned this man into some sort of idealised prince charming in your head because he showed more interest in you than your husband has done. In the state of mind you seem to be in, getting involved with any other man at the moment would be a recipe for disaster.0 -
Lily you married a womanizer that is the unfortunate truth. And it is the worst nightmare of most women out there. Your children are going to realize sooner or later that their father does not really respect the family or act in a way that secures it's future. He is not working towards a positive relationship. And you obviously have low self esteem. You say you are attractive. Well then you must know that an attractive intelligent kind interesting woman should have no trouble in creating a life for herself.
I would leave the husband. And work on you. Do it in the least vindictive way possible. And then decide if you wish to be single or try something with the other man. First off though see if he is of substance and not just something your mind created.
It can be easy to wish and dream a man into the hero type we all long for.
Whatever happens you need to realize that you can't really love someone and hurt them like that. I mean I would never want to hurt someone I was in love with.
Firstly I would never ever go near a man like your husband. It's not love that is between you. He is the father of your children and you will have to be as mature as you can for their sakes. But honestly you are NOT giving them a good template for what love looks like. He is not a real man. He can't come to you and tell you he loves you without a lie on his lips. He doesn't walk the line. He wants to have his cake and eat it too. You can do open relationships but they require honesty and love and respect from the outset.
I think you should separate and then consider if this other man and you really have something special or not.
If you really love someone you will not really know peace until you sort it out.
Why on earth did you get involved with your husband in the first place?0 -
Neyite, you're spot-on with the description of my husband. It's not only his interest in other women (yes, he doesn't care about their feelings either), it's also the comments that he makes. I'm basically his doormat and he takes a great pleasure to make me feel low about myself in every single way he can. Exactly as you noted, it's his big ego that makes him behaving this way.
However, I come from a very disfunctional family and had a very bad childhood, so my intentions are to make my kids happy every single day of my life. Even if it means to put on a fake mask of happiness. I can't share my worries or my feelings, or even my health or job issues with him because he simply couldn't care less. And I learnt to live this way because I think there's a lot more serious problems in the families and I CAN'T put my selfish need for love before my kids' needs. But I think I'd reached my bottom and slowly but surely I'm learning to get my own life in this whole "golden cage" that i'm in.
With regards to this other fella, I think he had only found me very attractive and very easy to get in the beginning. But as I resisted, I think he found himself too much interested in me. That's judging from looking in his eyes. The sadness that I could see, along with the softness, that's what I believe has happened to him. But we were on a different page as I thought we were okay to be friends and he thought I was going to sleep with him.
And then again, he's done awfull lot for me, helped me a lot and I don't know should I just say thank you I appreciate it or should I just leave it unnoticed...
And when it comes to very positive description of me... I couldn't care less whether men like me or not, however, for some reason they find me attractive. It was only noted here as to describe the situation, meaning that I could have any man I'd point at, but except this one, I usually don't care and my usuall respond to their interest in me is that I turn my head down and put a cold face on me.
And I never experienced what it meant to be loved utterly, definitely not with my husband. But I thought that was normal...
I can tell you it's NOT normal. I hope you can see what it's like for your children now. They will grow up with the same impression of love.
My parents gave me a positive idea of love. It doesn't ensure you will always have positive relationships. But it gives you a good frame for what you should be interested in and what you are attracted to.
They say little girls base their ideals on their dad's etc.
You want what we all want to be loved utterly. And most importantly to love and respect the man you are with.
I could not respect or love a man that treated me the way your husband does. And do you not realize you are actually sort of becoming LIKE him.
You are not committing. You are either lack of assertiveness or I don't know some ambivalence about the other man or something not making a choice.
I really think you owe it to yourself to leave the womanizer. And for your kids and the man himself maybe he will learn to respect the feelings of others.0 -
Stavro Mueller wrote: »
You're reading all this in his eyes? Seriously?? That sounds like something straight out of Mills and Boon. Let's be honest here, you never wanted this man's friendship. You might not know what it is you want either but it's probably an escape of some sort from your miserable marriage.
Loneliness and low self esteem are a lethal mix when you're feeling like you do. I think you've turned this man into some sort of idealised prince charming in your head because he showed more interest in you than your husband has done. In the state of mind you seem to be in, getting involved with any other man at the moment would be a recipe for disaster.
I agree that this man has given you little to indicate he feels about you the way you think he does at all. I think you are guilty a little of wishful thinking.
Never the less leave the womanizer. You will never love him.0 -
This other fella has definitely been very attracted to me at least, I can tell you this for sure. Considering how I behaved, I'm surprised he is still talking to me. There were times when I'd send him a text saying what a great fella he is or what a great job he did. Then when I realized what i'd been doing to him, teasing him, confusing him... all just because I wanted to see him or give him a bit of admiration... I thought the best thing I could do was to let him go off my life as I couldn't give him what he wanted (whether he wanted a relationship or just sex) and he just thought I was playing games with him, which wasn't true. I thought he was happy not to see me or hear me any more. But when I saw him standing at his door, leaning at the doorframe until the alarm on his house went on and the siren was loud (he was on the way out), looking at me...it didn't look to me that he would be happy I'm out of his life. And that's my issue with him. He's done so much for me and he probably thinks am just a bitch who took the advantage of him, played a bit of games with him and the opposite is truth. So I was wondering if to send him a friend request is such a bad idea. Or to send him a text saying how sorry I am for the mess I have caused in his life.0
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This other fella has definitely been very attracted to me at least, I can tell you this for sure. Considering how I behaved, I'm surprised he is still talking to me. There were times when I'd send him a text saying what a great fella he is or what a great job he did. Then when I realized what i'd been doing to him, teasing him, confusing him... all just because I wanted to see him or give him a bit of admiration... I thought the best thing I could do was to let him go off my life as I couldn't give him what he wanted (whether he wanted a relationship or just sex) and he just thought I was playing games with him, which wasn't true. I thought he was happy not to see me or hear me any more. But when I saw him standing at his door, leaning at the doorframe until the alarm on his house went on and the siren was loud (he was on the way out), looking at me...it didn't look to me that he would be happy I'm out of his life. And that's my issue with him. He's done so much for me and he probably thinks am just a bitch who took the advantage of him, played a bit of games with him and the opposite is truth. So I was wondering if to send him a friend request is such a bad idea. Or to send him a text saying how sorry I am for the mess I have caused in his life.
No. As everyone's repeatedly telling you, stay away from him. Leaving aside him probably only wanting you for a cheap sh*g, what do you have to offer him?
I mean, you're still married. You've got 2 kids. You're living with your husband and don't appear to be considering separating. So why would anyone with an ounce of common sense get involved with you.
Yes sending him a Friend request is simply more of this fantasy mind fckology that you're indulging in. You don't want to be "friends" with him. Your feelings towards him are decidedly non platonic and you're playing with fire.0 -
This other fella has definitely been very attracted to me at least, I can tell you this for sure. Considering how I behaved, I'm surprised he is still talking to me. There were times when I'd send him a text saying what a great fella he is or what a great job he did. Then when I realized what i'd been doing to him, teasing him, confusing him... all just because I wanted to see him or give him a bit of admiration... I thought the best thing I could do was to let him go off my life as I couldn't give him what he wanted (whether he wanted a relationship or just sex) and he just thought I was playing games with him, which wasn't true. I thought he was happy not to see me or hear me any more. But when I saw him standing at his door, leaning at the doorframe until the alarm on his house went on and the siren was loud (he was on the way out), looking at me...it didn't look to me that he would be happy I'm out of his life. And that's my issue with him. He's done so much for me and he probably thinks am just a bitch who took the advantage of him, played a bit of games with him and the opposite is truth. So I was wondering if to send him a friend request is such a bad idea. Or to send him a text saying how sorry I am for the mess I have caused in his life.
Are you stalking this man ? That's what it sounds like? He was just looking at you that means nothing. It doesn't sound like he has actually concrete feelings to me for you it sounds like it's in your mind. I hope i don't offend you by saying it.0 -
What do you want from him? Maybe he's looking at you thinking what a bitch you are? Maybe he hates you for stringing him along? Maybe he's thinking of telling your husband how you were leading him on etc.
You have no idea what he's thinking. You can't just assume all his behaviour is purely because he finds you so irresistable. I don't know if you ever heard the saying "beauty is only skin deep". Much like your husband you could be the most attractive person on the face of the earth, but if you don't treat people properly then you are not attractive to people. It's that simple. And if people are attracted to you for just your looks, then they don't really want anything substantial with you. They want you, for a while, to look good on their arm - but they don't really want you around for the long term.
I'm confused by what you are asking in your title "what would you do?" You are married. You have no intention of cheating on your husband or breaking up your relationship. You enjoyed a bit of attention from another man that made you feel good about yourself. Something you don't get from your husband. Don't use this bloke just so you can feel good about yourself. Don't send him a friend request. You don't want to be his friend. You want him to want you, but you don't want him.
What would I do? - I'd leave him alone and concentrate on sorting out my marriage, one way or another.0 -
What if this guy is not thinking about you at all?
But it's in your head? To help you avoid thinking of your husband and kids?
You still have a ring on your finger. He is free and could be dating for all you know.0 -
Guys I'm no stalker!!!
There's a certain business building with a car park just opposite his house. He is well aware of the fact that I drive my car there quite often and from time to time we do get to meet each other there. We used to wave on each other and smile on each other when we met ocasionally. The last time I talked to him was when he spotted my car there and waited on me then shouted on me as I was approaching my car. Sooo simple.
What I wanted from him? I wake up in the morning thinking of him. I go to bed thinking of him. So many times I just wanted to find the courage to knock on his door and kiss him. I just fell for him. Why? People fall in love in a mysterious way... Probably because his personality is the opposite of my husband's. And because I am very attracted to him. He makes me feel good, he always made me feel that way. Probably because he is a lovely man, very popular, people just like him, he has loads of friends.
But if you started to judge me an criticise me, then no wonder he is so cross with me. And probably hates me.
With regards to my husband...I can't afford to leave him. I depend on him. I have nobody else who would help me with my kids. Not to mention the financial aspect of it. If you have kids, all you want is to see them happy, provide them with the best options available. So I'm quite well aware of the fact that even if I really caught him cheating on me, I would probably didn't have any other option but to keep living with him and pretend that everything is fine. That is again, due to my family background and because I couldn't afford to follow my dreams when I was a kid/teenager and how this is still affecting me.0 -
I think the best course of action for you would be to go see a counsellor. You really need to talk to someone who doesn't have a vested interest in you and who'll help ground you. You sound very much like a woman who's lonely and is living in a world of fantasy to help her get through life.
I don't doubt your feelings for this man are real but you don't seem to be able to think things through. I mean, what's going to happen next if you show up on him doorstep and you kiss him? Will you then run away, happy that you've "snared" him again? Will you embark on an affair with him knowing it's not going to end well? Have you considered what your husband would do if he found out you were cheating on him? Despite his behaviour, he might take a very dim view of his wife carrying on in a similar fashion.0 -
MissKittenfire wrote: »Lily you married a womanizer that is the unfortunate truth. And it is the worst nightmare of most women out there. Your children are going to realize sooner or later that their father does not really respect the family or act in a way that secures it's future. He is not working towards a positive relationship. And you obviously have low self esteem. You say you are attractive. Well then you must know that an attractive intelligent kind interesting woman should have no trouble in creating a life for herself.
I would leave the husband. And work on you. Do it in the least vindictive way possible. And then decide if you wish to be single or try something with the other man. First off though see if he is of substance and not just something your mind created.
It can be easy to wish and dream a man into the hero type we all long for.
Whatever happens you need to realize that you can't really love someone and hurt them like that. I mean I would never want to hurt someone I was in love with.
Firstly I would never ever go near a man like your husband. It's not love that is between you. He is the father of your children and you will have to be as mature as you can for their sakes. But honestly you are NOT giving them a good template for what love looks like. He is not a real man. He can't come to you and tell you he loves you without a lie on his lips. He doesn't walk the line. He wants to have his cake and eat it too. You can do open relationships but they require honesty and love and respect from the outset.
I think you should separate and then consider if this other man and you really have something special or not.
If you really love someone you will not really know peace until you sort it out.
Why on earth did you get involved with your husband in the first place?
Thank you for revealing the truth to me. Yes, my husband fits this type of men perfectly. I've been in hell with him. Many times wishing I was dead so then he could realize what he lost. Because he never appreciated what everything I've done for him and for the family. The situation he's put me trough...Wondering what these other women have that I don't, or to witness first hand how he has fun and laugh with them in front of me. I ended up being seriously sick and now I'm trying to pick up the pieces and beat up the diseases that I ended up having thanks to him. Last night when I googled what a womaniser means and having to realize that he never loved me and he's never going to love me and it's NOT my fault (because everything is always my fault) I felt relieved.
When I met him, he was just perfect in every single way. Too good to be true. Yes, he did like other girls even at the very early stage of our relationship, but I was too blind to pay the attention to this. Omg, he got involved with my friend few months after we'd started dating, but he came back to me saying it was nothing and I was so much in love with him that I didn't want to let him go. And many times I was told it is normal for men to like and be attracted to other women so I thought every man is just like him.
Yes, I think the counselling might help me to start over as I desperately need it.
And with regards to this other fella. I'm trying to get him out of my head. Simply because he deserves someone better. And yeah, he might be dating someone already. He probably wasn't meant to stay in my life. Maybe he was here just to help me trough this difficult stage of my life.0 -
I still find it hard to understand why I don't deserve to be loved. Never been really loved by my mother, never been loved by my partners. At least my kids adore me...0
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I still find it hard to understand why I don't deserve to be loved. Never been really loved by my mother, never been loved by my partners. At least my kids adore me...
You do deserve to be loved. Your mother clearly had issues, but because of your dysfunctional upbringing, you chose what was familiar in your personal relationships - and unloving and emotionally distant partner.
The good news is that by recognising the patterns, by recognising what is dysfunction and what is normal, you can then begin to make healthy emotional choices for yourself. I would strongly recommend counselling. Years ago I found myself in a series of failed relationships. I was the common denominator here so I worked it out with a counsellor, and some of it related to the examples of relationships around me growing up, and after a while on my own getting to know me, I met someone. Someone who was the total opposite of previous boyfriends, and never been happier.
You see where you carried forward the dysfunction that you had as a child in interpersonal relationships into your family now? Have a think about what relationship rules you are passing on. I know sons who saw their father cheat on their mother, hated it, yet cheat on their wives and girlfriends, treat them with contempt and a lack of respect. I know women who's mother stayed in a failed relationship with someone abusive or cruel, and their grown up daughters put up with all kinds of crap from their partners because they believe that is all they deserve in life. They dont believe that a man can be faithful or kind or devoted to his partner because they simply have never seen it, choosing men who are like their father.
And you cant shield it from kids. Kids are amazingly perceptive. I always knew when my parents had argued (and theirs was a happy relationship mostly) even though they almost never argued in front of us. You could just tell from their demeanor and the atmosphere in the house.
Please go to a counsellor. It could be the best thing you ever do.0 -
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So I went by your advice and started avoiding him. But since our paths crossed few times, the more I avoided him the more effort he put to make sure I'd notice him. I was not making this up in my head, it was very obvious. On few occasions he was standing outside in order to see me (when he knew I was going to this certain place or when he spotted my car), when he had the opportunity he'd call my name and run towards me to ask the silly question he already knew the answer for. I kept playing cold but I was warming up to him.
My husband is a great guy. Good dad, responsible, loving, caring... still keeps his girlfriends, even though it's only in a platonic, romantic way. I couldn't afford the counselling (due to lack of time and money) but I decided I'd leave it unnoticed and try to live a bit of my own life while still pretending everything was perfect between us. The weekdays are usually fine but over the weekend he'd find something to be mad about. Usually my bad habits. There's always something wrong with me. Always something else. He gets angry so quickly...he knows everything and he knows it best. When my kids get sick he makes sure he is first there to look after them even though kids ask for me. This week he stayed at home one day and he usually makes breakfast for all of us when he is at home but since he was tired I went to the kitchen and made one. He followed me downstairs when the breakfast was nearly done and said that we could eat this and he'd make something else for himself. Even though it was a normal breakfast that he'd usually make himself! Is that normal???
So I was fed up with his behaviour and as a protest I added this other fella to my facebook friends. He spends a lot of time on facebook, just like I do. But when I sent him a simple message that his pictures are nice he didn't reply. Anyway, to keep it short. I went to see him (gave him surprise visit) recently. Wanted big hugs from him. He said he couldn't hug me because I'm married and asked me we're not gonna have sex are we? Then he said something else about sex, probably that he didn't have sex in a long time (I didn't hear him well). So I said I'd better go that it wasn't a good idea at all. Then he gave me a big hug and a quick kiss on my cheek but I kissed him back and we started kissing quite seriously. And it was the best kiss ever for me. I can't stop thinking of it. He was very fast to put his hands under my coat on my top, so I panicked and run away, even though he didn't touch me anywhere near my breasts.
Part of me wants to go back and kiss him again because that kiss... part of me feels guilty because, at the end of the day i'm still married so i should behave. And I don't know what to think of the guy, he probably isn't that much into me or he is too much into me and couldn't resist any more? I initiated the kiss...
Please don't judge me I get a lot of attention from men and I try to avoid them it's not what I'd ever think I could do. I'm all messed up I know. And quite desperate wiyh my life. And this other fella probably isn't that much into me is he? Please give me your opinion on how things look from his perspective. That might help me to sort this out.0
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