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Your most embarrassing sex story

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13567…30

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    #62
    Mr. CooL ICE
    Registered Users Posts: 17,517 ✭✭✭✭Mr. CooL ICE


    Back when I was 18, I pulled in a nightclub and myself and herself left and went down an alley. She gave me a hand shandy. We later went to supermacs where I thought I had spilled ketchup on my pants. But it wasn't ketchup. She had been wearing a sharp ring which had caused damage :(


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    #63
    Mocha Joe
    Registered Users Posts: 895 ✭✭✭Mocha Joe


    Couldn't get it up. The end.


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    #64
    Witchie
    Registered Users Posts: 5,597 ✭✭✭Witchie


    I was in my early 30's but looked mid twenties and pulled this young lad in a niteclub thinking he was late 20's. We snogged and when he was walking me home we stopped in a doorway for a bit of a curt. I was about to be rather bold but asked him his age and when he replied that he was 19, I told him "zip up and go home to your mother".

    I have better stories but you will have to wait to read them in my book some day.


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    #65
    BonsaiKitten
    Registered Users Posts: 1,798 ✭✭✭BonsaiKitten


    Witchie wrote: »
    I was in my early 30's but looked mid twenties and pulled this young lad in a niteclub thinking he was late 20's. We snogged and when he was walking me home we stopped in a doorway for a bit of a curt. I was about to be rather bold but asked him his age and when he replied that he was 19, I told him "zip up and go home to your mother".

    I have better stories but you will have to wait to read them in my book some day.

    I don't think I want to know what this is!


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    #66
    Mocha Joe
    Registered Users Posts: 895 ✭✭✭Mocha Joe


    BonsaiKitten wrote: »
    I don't think I want to know what this is!

    It's my new favourite word. That's what it is.


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    #67
    Witchie
    Registered Users Posts: 5,597 ✭✭✭Witchie


    Did ya never go curtin? Jaysus! Shur its as good as a shift.


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    #68
    monkeysnapper
    Registered Users Posts: 2,575 ✭✭✭monkeysnapper


    Witchie wrote: »
    I was in my early 30's but looked mid twenties and pulled this young lad in a niteclub thinking he was late 20's. We snogged and when he was walking me home we stopped in a doorway for a bit of a curt. I was about to be rather bold but asked him his age and when he replied that he was 19, I told him "zip up and go home to your mother".

    I have better stories but you will have to wait to read them in my book some day.

    I want to hear more stories, you can pm them to me. I can help you with your book as well if you want


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    #69
    BonsaiKitten
    Registered Users Posts: 1,798 ✭✭✭BonsaiKitten


    Witchie wrote: »
    Did ya never go curtin? Jaysus! Shur its as good as a shift.

    Oh I see, it's one of these mad culchie words :P
    A shift, pssh, where I come from it's a score.


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    #70
    Witchie
    Registered Users Posts: 5,597 ✭✭✭Witchie


    BonsaiKitten wrote: »
    Oh I see, it's one of these mad culchie words :P
    A shift, pssh, where I come from it's a score.

    You yung wans with your fancy pants words. Is a score not drugs?


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    #71
    BonsaiKitten
    Registered Users Posts: 1,798 ✭✭✭BonsaiKitten


    Witchie wrote: »
    You yung wans with your fancy pants words. Is a score not drugs?

    Omygod roysh that is so totes uncool?
    A score is what da boiz say when they get some hot luminously orange young 'un wearing a belt and little else...the other kind of score is something else ;)


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    #72
    keith16
    Closed Accounts Posts: 8,061 ✭✭✭keith16


    Witchie wrote: »
    You yung wans with your fancy pants words. Is a score not drugs?

    A score is twenty money.

    "Gis de lend of a score" = Please may I borrow twenty of your monies.


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    #73
    Witchie
    Registered Users Posts: 5,597 ✭✭✭Witchie


    Thanks for educating this old fart on the nuances of modern day lingo.


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    #74
    Mocha Joe
    Registered Users Posts: 895 ✭✭✭Mocha Joe


    A morning after story rather than a sex story. This girl I spent the night with in her place went to get us chicken fillet rolls in the morning. I ran off while she was doing this and went home. Only to realise I had left my phone there. She text a mates number to say what happened and he met up with her to get my phone back. He said she asked a couple questions about me and said she had put her number into my phone so I can get in touch again. Bit mental. I was an asshole though. Pretty embarrassed about that.


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    #75
    Smidge
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,541 ✭✭✭Smidge


    Mocha Joe wrote: »
    A morning after story rather than a sex story. This girl I spent the night with in her place went to get us chicken fillet rolls in the morning. I ran off while she was doing this and went home. Only to realise I had left my phone there. She text a mates number to say what happened and he met up with her to get my phone back. He said she asked a couple questions about me and said she had put her number into my phone so I can get in touch again. Bit mental. I was an asshole though. Pretty embarrassed about that.

    You ran out on a chicken fillet roll that SHE went out to get you :eek:
    You need help :D


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    #76
    Itwasntme.
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,754 ✭✭✭Itwasntme.


    Mocha Joe wrote: »
    A morning after story rather than a sex story. This girl I spent the night with in her place went to get us chicken fillet rolls in the morning. I ran off while she was doing this and went home. Only to realise I had left my phone there. She text a mates number to say what happened and he met up with her to get my phone back. He said she asked a couple questions about me and said she had put her number into my phone so I can get in touch again. Bit mental. I was an asshole though. Pretty embarrassed about that.

    Why didn't you just tell her you wanted to leave instead of bailing? I am not judging. I am just curious.


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    #77
    Mocha Joe
    Registered Users Posts: 895 ✭✭✭Mocha Joe


    Smidge wrote: »
    You ran out on a chicken fillet roll that SHE went out to get you :eek:
    You need help :D

    The last thing this girl needed was a chicken fillet roll to be honest.


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    #78
    antodeco
    Registered Users, Subscribers Posts: 13,449 ✭✭✭✭antodeco


    After waking up on my own one morning, I decided to watch a bit of sexy action on the interweb. As most men do, my sock was the chosen vessel for my ejaculate. Off it pops and then I fall asleep. Waking up an hour later I hop up and run out the door to the shops. Its only then I realise that I'm wearing the same sock of that mornings love fest.


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    #79
    Mocha Joe
    Registered Users Posts: 895 ✭✭✭Mocha Joe


    Itwasntme. wrote: »
    Why didn't you just tell her you wanted to leave instead of bailing?

    Awkward because she seemed really into me and I wasn't into her at all. Too much drink involved. I was 19 and a coward. I'm a bit more grown up now.


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    #80
    Mocha Joe
    Registered Users Posts: 895 ✭✭✭Mocha Joe


    antodeco wrote: »
    After waking up on my own one morning, I decided to watch a bit of sexy action on the interweb. As most men do, my sock was the chosen vessel for my ejaculate. Off it pops and then I fall asleep. Waking up an hour later I hop up and run out the door to the shops. Its only then I realise that I'm wearing the same sock of that mornings love fest.

    Do most men do this? I don't see the appeal of using a sock for that at all. Disgusting.


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    #81
    ringadingding
    Registered Users Posts: 1,010 ✭✭✭ringadingding


    I was living in Wexford when I was around 17, and went back to a colleagues with his mrs and her sister, the girls were fairly pikeyish in fairness, but the sister was all over me like a rash after we got wasted drunk, we went back to her folks bungalow, bad move. But anyways.

    Got there, heavy petting, bit of a bang off her and the house, we had no condoms so I pulled the ' you give me head and I'll return the favour ', which she did, and I returned the favour.
    Laid her down on the rug, pulled down her knickers and started to kiss her nethers.
    Jaysus, the smell was horrific, I gagged and started retching and vomiting on her belly, she screamed and her da came running out of one of the bedrooms to find his 16 year old daughter on the floor and some trouser less chubby feller apologising and walking out the house.
    He gave me a awful clatter to the back of the head, I got into the car and drove home.
    Trouser less.

    I've never been able to touch smoked fish to this day


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    #82
    antodeco
    Registered Users, Subscribers Posts: 13,449 ✭✭✭✭antodeco


    dingding wrote: »
    I was living in Wexford when I was around 17, and went back to a colleagues with his mrs and her sister, the girls were fairly pikeyish in fairness, but the sister was all over me like a rash after we got wasted drunk, we went back to her folks bungalow, bad move. But anyways.

    Got there, heavy petting, bit of a bang off her and the house, we had no condoms so I pulled the ' you give me head and I'll return the favour ', which she did, and I returned the favour.
    Laid her down on the rug, pulled down her knickers and started to kiss her nethers.
    Jaysus, the smell was horrific, I gagged and started retching and vomiting on her belly, she screamed and her da came running out of one of the bedrooms to find his 16 year old daughter on the floor and some trouser less chubby feller apologising and walking out the house.
    He gave me a awful clatter to the back of the head, I got into the car and drove home.
    Trouser less.

    I've never been able to touch smoked fish to this day

    You are aware thats actually statutory rape, based on your ages!


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    #83
    anncoates
    Closed Accounts Posts: 13,925 ✭✭✭✭anncoates


    Some of these should be moved to the creative writing forum.


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    #84
    scudzilla
    Registered Users Posts: 11,911 ✭✭✭✭scudzilla


    it involved my banjo string......and a lot of blood :(:(


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    #85
    ringadingding
    Registered Users Posts: 1,010 ✭✭✭ringadingding


    antodeco wrote: »
    You are aware thats actually statutory rape, based on your ages!

    Meh, it was Wexford, lucky we didn't have a couple of kids from a previous marriage


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    #86
    Smidge
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,541 ✭✭✭Smidge


    ringadingding wrote: »
    I was living in Wexford when I was around 17, and went back to a colleagues with his mrs and her sister, the girls were fairly pikeyish in fairness, but the sister was all over me like a rash after we got wasted drunk, we went back to her folks bungalow, bad move. But anyways.

    Got there, heavy petting, bit of a bang off her and the house, we had no condoms so I pulled the ' you give me head and I'll return the favour ', which she did, and I returned the favour.
    Laid her down on the rug, pulled down her knickers and started to kiss her nethers.
    Jaysus, the smell was horrific, I gagged and started retching and vomiting on her belly, she screamed and her da came running out of one of the bedrooms to find his 16 year old daughter on the floor and some trouser less chubby feller apologising and walking out the house.
    He gave me a awful clatter to the back of the head, I got into the car and drove home.
    Trouser less.

    I've never been able to touch smoked fish to this day

    You had colleagues at the age of 17?


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    #87
    biko
    Registered Users Posts: 81,223 ✭✭✭✭biko


    I was going to type it all out but you can just read my blog instead
    www.tuckermax.com


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    #88
    ringadingding
    Registered Users Posts: 1,010 ✭✭✭ringadingding


    Smidge wrote: »
    You had colleagues at the age of 17?

    Yeah, came over straight from school in the uk, started work straight away, my first job.


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    #89
    stoeger
    Registered Users Posts: 310 ✭✭stoeger


    A girl my wife works with walks in to her brothers room to find him fast asleep with his lad in hand playstation controller on his lap and tome rader on on the tv


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    #90
    zenno
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,377 ✭✭✭zenno


    I get excessively drunk at inappropriate times, disregard social norms, indulge every whim, ignore the consequences of my actions, mock idiots and posers, sleep with more women than is safe or reasonable, and just generally act like a raging dickhead.



    Someone must have read my brain, That's me to a T.


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    #91
    cantdecide
    Registered Users Posts: 11,465 ✭✭✭✭cantdecide


    I actually feel so sad for the nice girl with two chicken rolls and no one to share them with :(


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