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13-02-2018, 14:56   #1
Triceratops Ballet
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Hen Party

As a guest, how late is too late to pull out of a hen party?

I got the invite at the start of Jan, and and the end of Jan we were told where we were going, no mention of price. I had to ask how much it was and got told the price last week (hen is a month away now) the price is shocking for a 1 night hen in Ireland (€250 including travel), when I emailed her about the price asking how it was so much the bridesmaid organising it went through me for a shortcut.

I agreed to go because the bride is a really good friend I've known for almost 15 years, but now I regret it, I can't bring myself to spend that much on one night (I could have a spa weekend for that!) I also am reluctant to go spending 24 hours with this wagon. I think it might be too late to back out, but I really don't want to go.
I don't know how to approach this with a) the bride, who I'm sure has no idea her BM is behaving this way and b) the BM
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13-02-2018, 14:58   #2
listermint
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Tell her you hadn't realised the cost and don't have it to spend so you'll have to pull out.

Done problem solved
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13-02-2018, 15:02   #3
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You were only told the price last week so cancel now.

How do you mean she "went through you"? I'm confused how she's behaved?
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13-02-2018, 15:07   #4
kg703
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If nothing has been paid for upfront by the BM then pull out if you dont want to go and have a night out with the bride just the two of you. No one should be rude to you about it and feck them if they are. If she has though, you are leaving her short the money and where she should have been upfront about the price, leaving her to cover yours because you have changed your mind - she won't forget that.

This is based on my experience of being a BM - kept everything money wise optional, upfront and to a minimum. Stayed in the same county we all live in, optional spa day to start, then I paid for the bride to stay in a hotel & we got our hair/make up done, then to a night out - I booked everything paid for a round of shots and then asked everyone if they wanted platters I would order them but to let me know so I could order for X amount of people.

I had to pay for the spa treatments which everyone knew about and of course one girl that morning "my childs just been brought to hospital so I can't make the spa but Ill be there for the food and drinks later". Plus then boiled my blood that some people who specifically didnt order food were eating it and two who ordered food didnt turn up so out of my pocket that came.

Each person who did that has been on my tw*t list since.
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13-02-2018, 15:10   #5
Triceratops Ballet
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Originally Posted by GingerLily View Post
You were only told the price last week so cancel now.

How do you mean she "went through you"? I'm confused how she's behaved?
Oh she just want on a tirade basically saying this is what it costs and my attitude is disgusting, and if I have a problem with the price it's my problem, and nobody else has an issue with it, and she told us all when we were invited what we'd be doing and she booked everything based on our agreeing to go then (which I know myself is her own fault as she should have told us the price when we were invited or soon after to allow us to plan or pull out) Now we're a couple of weeks out so I feel like if I pull out I'm the bad guy
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13-02-2018, 15:16   #6
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Originally Posted by Triceratops Ballet View Post
I agreed to go because the bride is a really good friend I've known for almost 15 years
Ring your friend and say that you're really sorry but something came up and you can't make the hen, that you would love to meet for a cuppa some time instead and that you're really looking forward to the wedding.

She'll pass the message onto the wagon and you think no more of it.
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13-02-2018, 15:16   #7
michellie
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What kind of idiot plans a hen and doesn't tell people the price? I've planned many of them and the first thing people want to know is how much it costs them!

€250 is a joke for one night in Ireland. I had a small hen with just very close friends in Portugal in May for 3 nights for €250 (flights hotel &buses)
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13-02-2018, 15:21   #8
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What kind of idiot plans a hen and doesn't tell people the price? I've planned many of them and the first thing people want to know is how much it costs them!

€250 is a joke for one night in Ireland. I had a small hen with just very close friends in Portugal in May for 3 nights for €250 (flights hotel &buses)
sure I know I've planned 1 myself, I didn't email all the details round until I had the price and the date and all the details (and all 3 months in advance) sure what's the point otherwise.
You can't force people to agree to attend an unspecified activity on a specific date, for an unspecified price to be demanded 4 weeks from the hen and then be outraged when they ask questions about it! Well you can, but if you do you're an unreasonable wagon.
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13-02-2018, 15:29   #9
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Is it that the bridesmaid has chosen a really expensive set of things to do/place to stay (but €250 is the correct costing), or is that there is no way the things to do and place to stay should add up to €250?
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13-02-2018, 15:32   #10
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Totally agree BM is being a wagon and sounds like a difficult person to deal with

She should have organised it properly from the start with giving everybody the budget etc.

But.... just playing devil's advocate here, maybe you shouldn't have agreed to go to something without knowing the price?? There was always the option of telling her in January that you'd def be interested in going but just get back to you with figures as it would be dependent on cash
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13-02-2018, 15:38   #11
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Is it that the bridesmaid has chosen a really expensive set of things to do/place to stay (but €250 is the correct costing), or is that there is no way the things to do and place to stay should add up to €250?
No it's no more complex or fancy than a standard hen, activity, overnight stay, dinner. I can't see how what we're doing comes to that much. I had thought 150 max (I plan team outings in work so I've a good idea of what stuff like this costs)
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13-02-2018, 15:39   #12
osarusan
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No it's no more complex or fancy than a standard hen, activity, overnight stay, dinner. I can't see how what we're doing comes to that much. I had thought 150 max (I plan team outings in work so I've a good idea of what stuff like this costs)
You think she is basically scamming money out of people?

Last edited by osarusan; 13-02-2018 at 15:49.
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13-02-2018, 15:40   #13
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But.... just playing devil's advocate here, maybe you shouldn't have agreed to go to something without knowing the price?? There was always the option of telling her in January that you'd def be interested in going but just get back to you with figures as it would be dependent on cash
That's fair, I just never could have imagined that what we're doing could possibly cost that much. But it's still a fair point, which I think is why I'm unsure if it's ok to pull out
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13-02-2018, 15:40   #14
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My wife is BM to one of her closest friends and recently organised her hen party. Step 1... sent email with date and asked who would be available (to get numbers). Step 2... found venue and sussed out budget for any activities/food/drinks. Step 3... sent email with those details including total cost (around €120 btw, for one night) and asked people to confirm. Step 4... Booked everything once she got the minimum numbers she needed.

Why do people complicate things by keeping important stuff (like costs!) in the dark... and then take issue with people after they've blindsided them with a €250 bill.

OP, that BM you are dealing with fcuked up by not being up front about the cost. I'd be surprised if you were the only one with an issue with the cost (though you say you had to ask the BM, so who knows if others know the cost yet at all!). As others pointed out, you are not obliged to attend, especially the BM withheld information about the cost. That's her fault and your excuse is perfectly reasonable... "I do not have the money to spend that much on a hen party and therefore will not be attending". It sucks but you're not going to enjoy the weekend having been effectively forced to pay through the nose for it, AND having to spend time with the BM with a chip on her shoulder.
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13-02-2018, 15:43   #15
Triceratops Ballet
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You think she is basically scamming money out of people?
No but I think she just picked the first most expensive option on everything, and maybe didn't factor cost into any of it. Like there's 16 of us including the bride which means she's collecting the guts of 4 grand, I just can't see how a hen for 16 people costs that much
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