Now Ye're Talking - to an adoptee

rainemac wrote: »

Thank you for doing this AMA. We have been matched to a little girl and are awaiting travel to meet her and complete the adoption. First question would be,
What do you remember, if anything about meeting your adoptive parents? How did it feel for you?
Have you felt you experienced trauma through your early childhood and has it affected you? I know some adoptees feel they have and others never thought twice about their early childhood experience.
I'll have more questions shortly I'm sure!

I don't remember meeting my family, but my mom tells me that I was unsettled for a while. That's understandable as I had been in 3 foster homes previous to my adoption. The first night I wasn't able to sleep, my mom says she came in to lay down with me and I spent ages just stroking her eyelids because I was fascinated with her eyeshadow. According to the files I got, within weeks I was calling them mom and dad and getting along with my new siblings very well.

The trauma I experienced came before I was adopted. It's something I will carry for the rest of my life. Being adopted was probably traumatic in some ways because of having experienced foster care. One night I could be in one home, the next night somewhere different. I think it probably took some time for it to sink in that this new home would be mine forever. I think for anyone adopting children, particularly if the children are older, understanding that they come with baggage is vital. I was already walking and talking when I was adopted, I already had a personality. One welfare worker called me a 'little devil'. Apparently I was a handful!

I wish you all the best with your adoption. Don't hesitate to ask anything else!

shelly22 wrote: »

I have no questions but would just like to wish you the best of luck
You are a very strong person and thank you for sharing your story experience with us

Thank you

rainemac wrote: »

Do you think that the bullying wouldnt have happened if the children had been educated about difference/race?

I'm hoping so, we're rural, our daughter-to-be is Asian, I know many families in our area (white Irish, in our immediate area there are no different cultures really, small local school etc.) and these children are the kids likely to become her friends. I've picked out kids books as Christmas presents, on different cultures, which talks about difference and sameness, and I plan to write up an accompanying note to educate parents and point out the curious beings children are and not to be embarrassed if the kids ask about her skin colour etc. I hope doing this for 3-5 year olds it'll mean the children she will grow up with, will ask the questions they are curious about and not be inclined to reject her because of her difference.
I think it's only in recent years that theres been a recognition of a need for therapy for adoptees and as a result there are more resources available for children now than in the past, to work through their trauma when still in childhood. I'm sorry you didn't get to do this as a child but it probably wouldn't have been the norm for the time.

I absolutely believe that educating the adults around you about your daughter is a good idea. It's a great idea. At a very young age, children are usually very accepting and unassuming. Watch a group of babies playing together and you'll know what I mean. It isn't until kids are old enough to copy the adults who have influence over them that they learn to tease and bully. It's totally ok to be curious and ask questions about our differences and preparing your daughter and her future playmates of that is a really thoughtful thing to do.

My situation was somewhat similar, I grew up in a small town that was predominantly white. The difference is, my race is one that, in Canada has traditionally been very looked down on. The prejudice against Native Americans runs deep, and it's something I had to live with on a daily basis and I'm still conscious of it when I go back for holidays. The disgust and hatred people feel for us is very hurtful and painful.

I think it's amazing, that you're adopting. You have obviously researched and planned and thought it through and that's wonderful. You and your daughter are off to a great start, the best kind of start an adoptee could have with a new family!

Gloomtastic! wrote: »

Another interesting AMA, thank you for coming forward.

You mention the discrimination you are up against in Canada. Have you experienced any of that same discrimination in Ireland?

I haven't experienced discrimination here, no. The stereotypes and prejudice in Canada towards Natives come from a very long history of violence, segregation, reparations and misunderstandings. It's an incredibly sad thing that happened to us, this prejudice is a direct result of how the people who hate us initially treated us. It's possible there is some subconscious guilt driving the prejudice but ultimately it's grossly unfair. Come to our country, stick us on reservations and take away our language, deny us our means for living, give us money that with nothing to spend it on and then hate us forever because we're lazy, good for nothing drunks. See what I mean?

In Ireland, because Canadian history is probably never taught in schools or even thought about, that prejudice towards Natives doesn't exist. And in fact, most people here mistake me at first for being Spanish or Italian, because of my skin tone and colouring.

Another sad thing is, most people here actually seem to forget that I'm not white. I had a manager at work once complain to me about foreigners taking jobs! The thing is, I think I'm an 'honourary white person' because I'm a contributing member of society. I've been in my job for nearly 15 years, I pay my taxes, I vote in every election and referendum etc etc etc. I'd rather not be an honourary white person though. I'm Métis, and quite proud to be so.

Gloomtastic! wrote: »

^^^^^Like most countries in the world we also have our issues with minority oppression. Here we have the same problems you listed with travellers.

Do you know if there are many North American Natives in Dublin? Any from your tribe?

My friends have said before that the discrimination of Native American's is similar to the way Travellers are treated. I can definitely see the similarities.

As for other Natives in Dublin, I have no idea but I don't think so. It's quite possible I am the only Irish Métis in the world right now but I like to think that others have made it here too.

miamee wrote: »

You mentioned that your adopted parents didn't really expose you to or educate you about your Native American heritage. Is this something you were able to educate yourself about or learn from others when you got old enough to understand that it was different to the culture you were growing up in? Or is it something you are still exploring? You are obviously very proud of it

It's something I did learn about in school to some extent. But it was always about what happened after white people came to Canada. I don't think of of my teachers would have been knowledgeable enough to teach about Native culture prior to the arrival of Europeans.

I have researched it myself also but the thing is, much of Native culture isn't written down. Some tribes didn't have a written language until missionaries came and made them up. The traditions and values of the Natives was handed down orally, and tangible evidence was just never left behind. It was a way of life to leave no trace.

I am proud of my Métis background, but I haven't really been able to connect with the culture. I am also proud of the culture I grew up with, the Mennonite traditions (especially the food..mmm...Mennonite cooking!), and German/Ukranian values that my grandparents and parents have. I'm also proud to be Canadian. And proud to be Irish.

And reading over that wow...I really do need a flowchart to try and explain it all! :P

Regarding being adopted and growing up in a different culture, did my parents do the right thing? I don't think that's a question that will ever be answered. It happened how it happened and this is who I am today. My genetic parents, from what I can tell, weren't connected to their culture either so who knows if I ever had a chance in the first place?

miamee wrote: »

Wow, OP, a flowchart sounds like a good place to start

You mentioned your genetic parents weren't too connected to their heritage so maybe you never 'missed out' in that sense, you might have learned mostly about your heritage via school either way. Very interesting all the same.

Were there many differences or rivalries between yourself and your blood sibling versus your adopted siblings growing up or were you all just a bunch of siblings with the normal types of argument?

A fair point and you're probably right. It depends on where I would have gone to school though. My genetic parents lived in a fairly big city and who knows if they would have even cared enough to send me to school. I was in 3 foster homes before the age of 3 so I think my school years might have been chaotic. I really appreciate the chance I had to go to small town schools and have a stable home for it.

I don't recall any sibling rivalry although I think I might have acted out for attention sometimes. There were 4 of us vying for our parents' attention as we grew up! Lately I'm closest with my older brother and his family. We have a lot in common and a lot we talk about. It's really nice.

Tell me how wrote: »

That really is quite sad to read. Not just with respect to the Metis culture but for so many other cultures that faded away. But your last line is something which a lot of today's cultures could do with considering. Leave no trace. It would be nice if it could be adopted with respect to our treatment of the environment.

I agree. Sometimes I agree with the Agent from The Matrix....who said humans are a virus; a plague. We multiply and use resources until they are all consumed and then we spread out again.

This summer I was home for a visit and went to a World Heritage site called Head Smashed in Buffalo Jump. When Natives hunted buffalo, they used every single useable part of the buffalo. The bladder became water sacks, the sinews became thread, bones became tools, utensils, needles. The hides and meat were all used for different purposes. But they used every last scrap, nothing went to waste. At this museum it traced the history of the buffalo jump and the saddest history was the more recent, when Europeans began hunting buffalo. There's this one photo showing a hunter standing on a mountain of skulls. The Europeans only wanted one thing; furs.

Anyway, all that to say yes, I wish we would all be more conscious of the trace we are leaving on the planet and be more careful with it.

Tell me how wrote: »

Given your experience from being the centre of an adoption process. Do you think it is primarily a good system or is it open for abuse?
I've recently read about some orphanages which are ethically very dubious and they try to appeal to westerners because of the funds they bring but the children are nearly a commodity more than a human that needs and deserves love.

On a more light heated note, how do you represent or acknowledge elements of your culture? Do you note particular dates that might have been significant in the culture for example?

I think adoptions are definitely open to abuse but ultimately it's up to the governments to regulate and police these adoption agencies who abuse the system and profit from it.

In my heart of hearts I do feel that any child who is adopted out of those kind of cruel and horrible situations is lucky, especially those adopted out of places of dubious reputation. Sometimes, there just aren't enough staff to look after the children and they do their best but it's often not good enough. Sometimes, the children are just a means to an income. It's really unfair but if a family want to adopt a child from another country or another race, better they adopt a child who might otherwise never have a family or experience love and affection. Not that I'm condoning those kinds of orphanages or agencies; it would be better if they didn't exist. But not adopting from them won't change things. Only the governments in charge can really change it.

In my case, because my adoption was through the welfare system and I was a ward of the court, I was in what I presume were good foster homes. There are reports from social workers who were monitoring my welfare. I was one of the lucky ones.

As for my culture, I acknowledge it by refusing to deny it. Anytime someone asks about my race (am I Spanish, Italian etc etc) I'm happy to explain who and what I am. Not many people in Ireland would even know what a Métis is! (Have you all googled it?! ) It's great to talk about it and share my experience. I don't know of any particular holidays or occasions to celebrate and I think it would feel strange to mark them; seeing that I didn't grow up with them.