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08-09-2012, 19:21   #1
hp808
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My boyfriend thinks im cheating because he found FB messages from an ex. Please help

Me and my boyfriend have been together on and off for 5 and a half years since we were 16. We have gotten through so much together and he is my best friend but he does not trust me whatsoever. When I was 18 we briefly split up and I started seeing someone else which cut him up. Then he did the same to me which I forgave. a year later during summer we split again and I started a sexual relationship with a guy. I told him about it but he has had trouble trusting me since. this was 3 years ago. I was friends with him on FB but he asked me delete him which I did. Nut when he went away to NZ for a year this guy friended me again and I accepted as FB means nothing.

We never spoke on it and then 2 months ago he wrote to me one night here is the conversation:
HIM:
Hey how's things random I no but do u want to meet up for a chat..could do with talking to someone that I trust.
ME
Hey yea ok why what's up

HIM
Feel like an ass writing to ya

ME
Why what's wrong ?

HIM
Just me been me keeping things bottled up

ME
What happened?

HIM
Nothing really just been down the last couple of months do no what really to say

end of conversation. I never met him nor had intentions of I just wanted to know what he wanted and what he was going to say. Me and my bf were at the eiffel tower yesterday and I left my bag with him. He got my phone turned it on and went through all my msgs and found this. Now he is accusing me of cheating on him which I am not and have even given him access to my phone records and ring him off my house constantly to reassure him and he is calling me a compulsive liar and said he wants nothing to me with me I am only cancer. I love him and I am terrified of loosing him. I know I was wrong not to tell him and to talk to this guy when he asked me not to but I really didnt see it as a big deal as the conversation was jus BS. Please help me what shoud I do to get him back?

Last edited by hp808; 08-09-2012 at 19:23.
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08-09-2012, 19:47   #2
escaperoute
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This relationships is toxic, he doesn't trust you, is controlling and has no respect for you.
You will throw your life away if you continue with this man. Love is a poor excuse to allow yourself to be walked all over.You did nothing wrong - he simply doesn't trust you and never will - there is nothing you can do to change that. If you stay with him these feelings of fear and worry you are experiencing will be with you every.single.day for the rest of your life.


Quote:
Please help me what shoud I do to get him back?
Do nothing. You've wasted your teenage years with his guy, don't waste your 20's. See this incident for the warning sign and escape route it is, escape, run, and never look back.
 
08-09-2012, 20:26   #3
Toast4532
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You have done nothing wrong and have nothing to apologise for.

Your boyfriend has no right to demand you delete people (regardless of whether you had a relationship or not with them) and then to ask you not to have anything to do with them? That is way out of order.

If your ex was causing trouble to you/your bf/your relationship, I could understand your boyfriend asking you to delete them and have nothing to do with them, but it doesn't sound like that was the case at all.

Your boyfriend also had no right to go through your phone without asking you first and then to call you cancer is disgusting.

You had a relationship with a guy when you broke up with your boyfriend and you had a sexual relationship with someone else when you again broke up with your boyfriend, you didn't do anything wrong. You were a single individual and could see who you want, kiss who you want and sleep with who you want. Your past relationships are none of your boyfriends business.

Personally, I split up with the boyfriend and never get back with him again.

He doesn't trust you, and until he learns to trust you, you will never have a solid relationship as relationships are built around trust and if you don't have trust, you don't have much of a relationship I'm afraid.

Would your boyfriend be willing to see a counsellor for his trust issues? If not, then you should walk away, if he is willing to see a counsellor, I'd give him and your relationship one more chance, and if he blows it, that's it, no more chances.

It will be difficult, but do you honestly want to spend the rest of your life pandering to your boyfriends trust issues and his insecurities regarding your exes?

When your boyfriend went to NZ, did he have sex with other women? If he did, then he has double standards.
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08-09-2012, 20:38   #4
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Hi OP. You are clearly dating a guy with a serious jealousy problem and an arrogance that he feels he owns you.

You have done nothing whatsoever wrong and he has no right to abuse your privacy the way he has done. What does he think a girl friend is ? some kind of private slave girl who he can dominate the who cannot communicate with other people because he doesn't like it ?

This is NOT natural and NOT right OP. he has no right to treat you like this and you must not accept it.

I know you feel devastated - but I say to you that this is NOT a loving and good relationship. The very idea that you might be in such an abusive relationship for another five years or even longer is an appalling thought.

Please do not start this relationship again - unless he agrees to go to some serious anger and trust counselling and you must start to reassess your own rights and your own independence. You have a right to your own life, your own friends and you have a right to be TRUSTED with your ex's.

Please reassess the whole basis of this relationship.
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08-09-2012, 20:41   #5
dellas1979
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hp808 View Post

said he wants nothing to me with me I am only cancer.
Youre scared to loose a guy who calls you this? Have you any self respect?
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08-09-2012, 20:57   #6
iguana
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Hi OP, the first few sentences of your post are identical to the beginning of a thread from about 6 weeks ago, so I'm presuming you are the same poster. Have you and your boyfriend resolved the issue re- your Chlamydia infection? At the time he was taking the infection as proof that you had cheated on him but was also refusing to get any testing or treatment for himself. If that issue hasn't been resolved it's unsurprising that he is still looking for 'proof' that you have cheated on him.

I think that unless one or both of you makes serious moves to resolve his trust issues this type of thing will happen again and again. Imo, he needs counselling about his jealously because it won't resolve itself. But if you keep allowing him to treat you like this he will never have any incentive to change. If I was you I'd consider ending the relationship and only consider returning to it if he does serious work to change his behaviour (and gets STD treatment). Nothing will ever change if you don't. And if he doesn't then you will eventually move on and stand a chance of finding someone else in the future who is capable of being in a healthy relationship.
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09-09-2012, 10:27   #7
hp808
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thanks to all for replies. I know he is hurt and he believes I lied to him and I met this guy to have sex with him. I try and show him how much I can be trusted I have ran up a phone bill of over E300 and bring him places the weekend. I just brought him to Paris on a 2 day trip and paid for everything and the he left me on my own when he found the message. In my eyes I know I done nothing wrong. In fairness if someone you were with years ago just popped up with a message like that would you not reply to see what they were going to say? Thats all I wanted to know why he wanted to talk to me after all these years. But my bf says I know well what he wanted - sex and thats why I agreed which is totally untrue I wouldnt do that but he just cant see it
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09-09-2012, 10:39   #8
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OP, you need to leave him, stop wasting your money on someone who calls you cancer, and get some counselling.
I have no idea how to emphasise this enough. He is using you and treating you like dirt and you're lapping it up.
One day you will look back and realise you have no money because you wasted it all on someone who doesn't give a damn about you, is controlling you, is abusive toward you. Don't let it go on any further.
This isn't about a facebook message and you know it. If it weren't facebook, it'd be "that guy on the street looked at you, are you sleeping with him" or something else equally ridiculous.
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09-09-2012, 12:27   #9
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He is paranoid, insecure and has control issues. He will only drag you down and wreck your head in the long run. Do you see yourself putting up with this behaviour for much longer? You will always have to 'prove' to him you're not cheating, and even then he won't believe you.
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09-09-2012, 12:31   #10
hp808
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bluewolf View Post
This isn't about a facebook message and you know it. If it weren't facebook, it'd be "that guy on the street looked at you, are you sleeping with him" or something else equally ridiculous.
To be honest, for the past 2 months he has been convinced I was sleeping with one if his friends because of the sly digs his friend was saying to him apparently. I dont even have this guys number. On the way to the airport he made me cry because he was convinced I passed his house a few weeks ago at 3 in the morning because he seen a car same as mine with a blown spotlight bulb. But I genuinely in bed because I am up at 7 for work and I even put my mother on the phone to prove this
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09-09-2012, 12:41   #11
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Does he smoke the hash, op?

Sounds scarily similar to my situation when I was in my early 20's.
Getting the flip away from him was the best thing I did. Clean break, dont answer calls or anything. Just create a big distance and don't let him try to manipulate his way back in with emotional blackmail or whatever.
His issues are not yours to deal with. No matter how much you think you love him, you're not getting anything out of this but grief.
Look at how he behaves toward you on a romantic break to Paris which youre funding. He is an ungrateful sod with no respect.
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09-09-2012, 12:46   #12
hp808
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Yes he does whimshock. I sent him a link to this page to show him what people away from the situation think and he replied to me:

i didn see you mention your lying once very 1 sided as i expected from you as always with your **** that you ask strangers for advice. i want to never see you again your dead to me now

He says im a compulsive liar because I told him I wouldn't and don't talk to this guy on facebook but I replied to his message when he mailed me and never said I did
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09-09-2012, 12:58   #13
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One thing I learned from my experience was, you can never tell or convince a paranoid person (especially if it's drug induced) that they are paranoid.
I learned this the long and hard way. Linking him to this page is not going to do much for either of you.
You know something is not right with your situation. Make this current break up permanent. Stay strong
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09-09-2012, 13:42   #14
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You are just afraid of the unknown because you have been with him so long and have not got any other experience. Dont worry, this is fairly normal for a first proper relationship.

Break up, you will look back in a few years time thinking wtf were you doing staying with this guy for as long as you have: this is not a healthy relationship
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09-09-2012, 14:55   #15
dellas1979
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First thing is to stop calling him your bf.

I wouldnt want someone like that associated with me.

"Cancer" and "dead to him now" - what a lovely guy to want to have a future with. Are you serious?

Stop right now trying to "fix" all this or trying to understand all this, and start feeling upset and angry towards what he has done to you.
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