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18-04-2012, 12:15   #61
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18-04-2012, 12:31   #62
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Paddy meets Mick at the bar and he is looking somewhat sheepish and embarrassed. Mick says, "Hey Paddy, what's wrong?" Paddy says, "I received a party invitation last night and it plainly said 'Black Tie only'. But when I got there, everyone was wearing suits too!"
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20-04-2012, 11:43   #63
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Paddy was going fishing and called Mick on his mobile phone to make arrangements for the following day. "I'm going fishing and I need two punts and a canoe," he said.



"I'll see what I can round up for you before you get here," replied Mick.



When he arrived, there were two tarty-looking women waiting for him at the fishing lodge.



"What the bloody hell is this?" Paddy asked Mick.



"Well," Mick answered, "when you phoned, I was in the bar and there was a great deal of noise on the line. I managed to get a couple local ladies for you, like you asked, but what the hell is a panoe?"
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22-04-2012, 15:12   #64
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Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money
between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of 50 pence.
Murphy said, "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the
butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage. Shamus said, "Are
you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at tall." Murphy replied,
"Don't worry - just follow me." He went into the pub where he
immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson
whisky.
Shamus said, "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we
will be in? We haven't got any money!!" Murphy replied with a smile,
"Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers!" They downed their drinks.
Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on
your knees and put it in your mouth."
The barman noticed them, went berserk and threw them out. They continued
this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk all for free. At the
tenth pub, Shamus said, "Murphy, I don't think I can do any more o'this.
Me knees are killin' me!" Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I
lost the sausage in the third pub."
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24-04-2012, 09:56   #65
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Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing Paddy replied,

'We're supposed to be finding the height of this flagpole, but we don't have a ladder.'

The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down.

She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches.

Then, she walked off.

Mick said to Paddy, 'Isn't that just like a blonde!

We need the height, and she gives us the fookin length
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27-04-2012, 10:46   #66
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Patrick O'Malley hoisted his beer and said: "Here's to spending the rest of my life between the legs of me wife!"
And with that he took home the top prize for the best toast of the night.
In bed later that night, he told his wife: "Mary, I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said: "Aye, Paddy, what was your toast?"
So he told her: "Here's to spending the rest of my life sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh," she said, "that is very nice, dear."
The next day, Mary ran into one of Paddy's drinking partners in the street.
Mischievously, the man said: "Did you hear about your husband winning a prize in the pub the other night for a toast about you, Mary?"
She replied: "Aye, and I was a bit surprised. Till now, he's only been down there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
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28-04-2012, 14:54   #67
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Paddy and Mick shared first prize of €500,000 in the Irish Sweepstakes and were celebrating their winnings over a jar of stout.

"But Paddy, Oi've been thinking," Mick said with a worried frown, "what will we do with all them beggin' letters?"

"Aah to be shure," said Paddy, "we'll just go on sending 'em out."
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28-04-2012, 15:03   #68
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Bootup View Post
Paddy was going fishing and called Mick on his mobile phone to make arrangements for the following day. "I'm going fishing and I need two punts and a canoe," he said.



"I'll see what I can round up for you before you get here," replied Mick.



When he arrived, there were two tarty-looking women waiting for him at the fishing lodge.



"What the bloody hell is this?" Paddy asked Mick.



"Well," Mick answered, "when you phoned, I was in the bar and there was a great deal of noise on the line. I managed to get a couple local ladies for you, like you asked, but what the hell is a panoe?"
A trapper who lived near the Sioux
Wired home for 2 punts, 1 canoe
The answer next day
Said, "Cunts on the way -
But what the fucks a panoe".
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02-05-2012, 14:23   #69
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Paddy is sitting at the end of a bar. He sees a lamp at the end of the table. He walks down to it and rubs it. Out pops a genie. It says, "I will give you three wishes."

Paddy thinks awhile. Finally he says, "I want a beer that never is empty."

With that, the genie makes a poof sound and on the bar is a bottle of beer.Paddy starts drinking it and right before it is gone, it starts to refill. The genie asks about his next two wishes.

Paddy says, "I want two more of these."
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04-05-2012, 11:47   #70
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Two Irish friends leave the pub. One says to other, 'I can't be bothered to walk all the way home'.

'I know, me too but we've no money for a cab and we've missed the last bus home.

We could steal a bus from the depot.' replies his mate.

They arrive at the bus depot and one goes in to get a bus while the other keeps a look-out.

After shuffling around for ages, the lookout shouts, 'What are you doing? Have you not found one yet?'

'I can't find a No. 91'

'Oh for goodness sake, ye thick sod, take the No. 14 and we'll walk from the roundabout.
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04-05-2012, 23:56   #71
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Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.

They managed to bag 6 of them!

As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane
could take only 4 moose.

The two lads objected strongly. 'Last year we shot six. The pilot let
us take them all and he had the same plane as yours.'

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.

However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the
load and went down.

Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the
crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, 'Any idea where
we are?'

Mick replied, 'I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last
year.'
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05-05-2012, 00:13   #72
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Irishman, Scotsman and an Englishman were sitting in a bar,
The view was fantastic, the beer excellent and the food exceptional,
You know said the Scot," I still prefer the pubs back home, why in glasgow there is a little bar called McTavish's where the owner will buy you the 5th drink after you buy 4.

" well " said the englishman "at my local the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you the third drink after you buy the first two"

" ahhh thats nothing" said the Irishman " back home in Dublin there is Ryans bar. Now the moment that you set foot in the place they will buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you have had your fill, they will take you upstairs and see that you get laid, all on the house.

The Englishman and the Scot immediately pour scorn on the Irishmans claims.
He swears it is true,
"well said the Englishman " did this actually happen to you"?

" No, not me personally" said the Irishman. " but it did happen to my sister."
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05-05-2012, 22:36   #73
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Two men walk into a pet shop in Dingle, Ireland.

They head to the bird section, and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem."
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage Up dere," says Gerry.
The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag.
Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of Connor's Pass.
At Connor's Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis
looks like a grand place."
He takes the birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself
stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and
says, "F*** dat. Dis budgie jumping is too F***'n dangerous for
me!"

THERE'S MORE

Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at Connor's Pass.
He's been to the pet shop too, and walks up to the edge of the cliff,
carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other. "Hi,
Paddy. Watch dis" Seamus says.
He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the
cliff.
Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.
Seamus continues to plummet down and down, until he hits the bottom, and breaks every bone in his body.
Paddy shakes his head and says,
"And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!"

IT'S NOT OVER YET

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends, when
Sean O'Driscoll appears.
He's also been to the pet shop, and is carrying a paper bag out of which
he pulls a chicken.
Sean O'Driscoll then hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and
down, until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
Once more Paddy shakes his head in disbelief,
"F*** dat, lads. Dese adventure sports are too dangerous for me....
first dere was Gerry with his budgie jump! ing, ....
den Seamus and his parrotshooting, and now Sean and his F***'n
hengliding !!!
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06-05-2012, 08:39   #74
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excellent , need time to read it though !
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07-05-2012, 20:24   #75
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A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal. Before the final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished."

The Irishman nodded in acknowledgement.

As the match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Irishman and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost.. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a Long, High Pitched Scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Irishman collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

The wrestler answered "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could."


The trainer exclaimed "That's what finished him off?"


"Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own b*****" !!!.
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