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13-01-2012, 18:23   #16
other woman
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I am so grateful for all the advice. Obviously this is a big dirty secret so I can't talk to anyone about it which makes it so much worse (Well I've told one friend but I know shes disgusted which is fair enough).

Initially it was just physical attraction but then I did enjoy the contact and flirting and attention and yes it does mean something is missing in my own life. I hate to admit it but you guys have made me realise this. I've had bf's for years and I do miss the attention (I'm not insecure, just used to male company). But over time I did get to know this guy well and we do have lots in common (not justifying, just explaining) and yes he was expressing strong feelings for me and saying he'd love to see me outside of work but couldn't. i have wanted to spend time with him but I've never wanted a full blown relationship with him. I've known from day one that I didn't want him to leave his wife for me. That never entered my head. I'm a go-with-the-flow kinda person and thats blown up in my face now. I do feel sorry for his wife. I don't want to be the cause of her heartbreak. I'd never get over being the cause of that. I'd hate to be married to him, hes clearly very weak for doing this and I am wary of him in work. I have tried to observe his interactions with other women (I hate that I even do that) just to see if hes overly friendly with anyone else. I don't think he is.

Theres no way anyone suspects in work cos we barely say hello to each other and we meet in an office to talk to each other maybe once a week. I've just gotten myself into a bad habit here and I am totally waiting for him to contact me each day now and its such a pain. I keep checking my phone hoping to see his name and I'm sick of it. I'm a bit stupidly obsessed now.

As far as him being a serial cheater, I don't think he is. I think hes been quite bad at this affair. If he was good he would have slept with me right? He could have had me many many times by now but hasn't. And I don't know if this is text book cos I've never done this before so I've no idea what men do in this situation. And I do have feelings for him so maybe this is making me blind to this 'text book' behaviour (is it text book???).

He does have a year old baby which I know makes this doubly bad (pls don't kill me) and he goes around showing off pix of the baby to people in work and I do think.....oh my god if they all only knew. He plays the happy family man well and then texts me saying he'd love to get stuck into me. I'm painting a very ugly picture here but I need to talk about this so badly as its getting to me so much at this stage.

I have thought that he was very bored and this has been exciting to him and some fun but i think he may back off now due to the feelings that we've expressed and its all too serious now. I don't contact him so hopefully it'll die off and he won't contact me cos I find it impossible to ignore him.

I love my job and plan to stay in the company for years so I need to get my act together for that reason alone. I need this job badly and if anything got out, that'd be that. They'd all blame me cos hes like a nice little family man and I'd be the most hated b1tch in there. nightmare.

Thanks again for the advice. Its fantastic to get opinions
 
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13-01-2012, 18:42   #17
Janet1986
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I was the same, waiting for a text each day and feeling all happy when i got a text from him.

The guy i was seeing was bored of his marriage because the wife paid more attention to their kids.

One thing i can assure you is there is no way he will leave his wife for you.

He will have fun with you for awhile and then ye will have the talk where he will say let's be friends without the benefits and you will be very upset and heartbroken and will have to look at him in work everyday!

So to avoid all this mess and heartache, block him from your phone and find a single guy with no baggage.
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13-01-2012, 19:47   #18
Missy Moo Moo
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OP, hate to say it but you will be the loser in this scenario. When things go wrong, which they will, he will go back to playing happy families with his wife and you'll be left to pick up the pieces of your broken heart. This won't be like a typical break up where you can expect the sympathies of close friends. Most people, like your friend, will be disgusted.

Don't be flattered, he's using you as an ego boost to remind himself he's still got it, and I would be willing to bet there are other women in the office who have at some point been on the receiving end of his attentions.

This is gonna end in disaster- for you. Imagine if it got out? Your professional reputation would be destroyed, women would be wary of you, I'd go as far as to say that female friends inside and outside work will be suspicious. They'll probably think "if she can do it with a married man, what would stop her from having a go at my husband/boyfriend". Harsh but true.

Get out now- imagine the pride and self respect you'll feel in time if you walk away? Imagine how you'll feel the opposite if you get in any deeper...
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13-01-2012, 20:24   #19
Daisy M
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Quote:
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I have tried to observe his interactions with other women (I hate that I even do that) just to see if hes overly friendly with anyone else. I don't think he is.

Theres no way anyone suspects in work cos we barely say hello to each other and we meet in an office to talk to each other maybe once a week.


If he is able to pretend there is nothing going on with you then he is able to do the same with other women.

When has he had the many opportunities to sleep with you? You mentioned turning him down the first night are you regularly meeting?

Its coming across that you have had your own doubts about this man and his acting the family man one minute and doing his best to get with you the next. Its been confusing for you because you see a man who apprently is bosotted with you when it suits but he paints a picture to the rest of the world as been a real family man. He is playing you and he is very good at it dont be sucked in. a couple of other posters have said you have nothing to lose but thats not true. As you have already seen you could lose friends, maybe even family and your job. But most of all you could lose your self respect and self worth and it may take you sometime to find them again.
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13-01-2012, 20:31   #20
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HI OP,

I read your post and could have written the exact same post a few years ago - practically identical in every sense. Please, please, please stay away from this man. I guarantee this will end in tears and they will be yours. Like you I had "never done something like this" would have judged other women harshly who did. I truly believed that this man and I were soul mates and we had a future together. While I do think he had some genuine feelings for me there were nothing like the depths of feeling I developed for him and never had any intention of leaving his wife. I think both of us became addicted to each other me because I was lonely and him because he was bored. Affairs due to their secret nature cause emotions to intensify and also rely on the belief that you are somehow meant to be together to justify or make it appear less seedy than the reality which is a man wanting his cake and eating it.

I went through so much guilt, conflicted emotions, highs and lows and was basically a mess. In the end I was really in a really bad place and took me a while to heal. People warned me against him and that he would never leave his wife etc but I genuinely believed he was different - kind, sensitive etc. I always though men who had affairs were a certain type.As one poster said it is not black and white and some affairs maybe do develop into a legitimate relationship. Most of the time however this is not the case.

Also, men do not respect women who are willing to be the other woman. This was thrown against me in my case that if I didn't have such little regard for myself it would never have happened. There is some truth in this but he relentlessly pursued me.

Obviously its your life OP but if I could have done things differently I truly would. It is something to this day that I truly regret. I told a couple of friends and that it was a first but I know it affected their opinion of me and some of them probably think I do this all the time. I also told a couple of boyfriends after who were less than impressed so it had major repercussions all over.

If he wants to be with you -tell him to contact you when he is a free agent. Put yourself first because I guarantee he won't.
 
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13-01-2012, 20:49   #21
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I've made this mistake. And it was a big fat mistake. He wasn't married but had long-term girlfriend whom he lived with.

I would NEVER do it again. It and he broke my heart. Took me years to get over it and to re-build my self-esteem and my sense of self-worth.

I got carried away by the silly "romance" of it all. I wanted a relationship. He told me he loved me. It was bullsh1t.

He got engaged to her a couple of months after the last time we were together.

I look back on that time as a big lesson to myself about how i want to be treated. I DESERVE to be with someone single. Someone honest. Someone free to be with me.

I never felt any guilt because he did all the chasing. Strange but true. Rather than castigating you for being with another girl's guy, i would say think about yourself. Be selfish. Because he as sure as hell is being selfish.

Do not sleep with him or take this further as it will only end in heartache for you, and then ultimately his wife and kids.
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13-01-2012, 23:31   #22
other woman
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Affairs due to their secret nature cause emotions to intensify
Oh my God, you've hit the nail on the head there. Its been more intense than anything ever before in my life and we've only had each other to talk to about it. That realisation is massive I must say. The intensity has been insane.

Quote:
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[/B]

When has he had the many opportunities to sleep with you? You mentioned turning him down the first night are you regularly meeting?

Its coming across that you have had your own doubts about this man and his acting the family man one minute and doing his best to get with you the next. Its been confusing for you because you see a man who apprently is bosotted with you when it suits but he paints a picture to the rest of the world as been a real family man. He is playing you and he is very good at it dont be sucked in. a couple of other posters have said you have nothing to lose but thats not true. As you have already seen you could lose friends, maybe even family and your job. But most of all you could lose your self respect and self worth and it may take you sometime to find them again.
Yes I did turn him down the first night we were together but we've joked about leaving work early and going to a nearby hotel. He knows that I've wanted to sleep with him and vice vearsa. Wow I'd be in dreadful emotional trouble then. I'd be very attached to him after that so thank God that never happened actually. We've only had coffee once outside of work and just kissed that night and everything else has been in work hidden away.

You're dead right about being so confused. He has driven me crazy. Full on one week and then all withdrawn with guilt the next and then texting me like mad again for days on end. I told him a couple of times to leave me alone for good but then he'd email or text me the next day. Thats probably the lack of respect as you guys have said. He wouldn't leave me alone. Its been a total emotional roller coaster.

Its great to get the feedback cos things are being said here that I've never thought about. I do think my friend has lost some respect for me since I've told her about this. I can hear it in her voice. If co-workers found out.......it doesn't bare thinking about. I want to do really well in the company and this would finish me if it came out. Its only hitting me now. Christ.
 
14-01-2012, 00:20   #23
Bodhidharma
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I have tried to observe his interactions with other women (I hate that I even do that) just to see if hes overly friendly with anyone else. I don't think he is.

Theres no way anyone suspects in work cos we barely say hello to each other and we meet in an office to talk to each other maybe once a week.
How do you know? Maybe you're being observed? If it gets out in the office, not only will YOU have to leave, his wife (with her child) will find out. And of course this probably wont happen until the weeks of dirty looks and snide comments get boring.

There is far too much to lose in pursuing someone who is after all a cheating scumbag*, and depite protestations from you and him, that is exactly what he is, a scumbag who lies to his wife and child everyday. He is contemptful, and the only question is do you want to be like him?

*I'm not trying to launch a personal attack or character assassination. This is how I would describe anyone who pursues such an activity.
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14-01-2012, 00:31   #24
Big Bag of Chips
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Don't be so sure that nobody in work suspects anything. People are rarely as discreet as they think. You were looking at him, he was looking at you etc.. do you think nobody else noticed you making eyes at each other?

The night you were out, the first night you kissed, where he obviously knew you fancied him, because he made a point of telling you nothing could happen (very odd thing to say, out of nowhere, by the way!) So if he knew it, why would you think nobody else picked up on it? And then you leave together? To continue "talking" because you had "so much in common". And now you barely say hello to each other in the office....?

Trust me... you are the office gossip!

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14-01-2012, 00:45   #25
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...

OP: be brave here, just end it! I can see from your point of view, his point of view, and as someone whose husband actually did leave to continue an affair, believe me, there are no winners. I would never judge anyone these days on the morality compass. People are just people. We all have our faults. Just think of how you can benefit. Are you really going to benefit from being with him? The guilt, his easy lies to his wife... I know that you may have feelings for him, but in the longer term, even if he were to leave her for you, you'd never trust him anyway. His problems are his to solve, not yours. You can't fix him, and you won't.
One thing is for sure though, each circumstance is different.
The major consolation is that you haven't had sex. Keep it that way.

Good luck.
 
14-01-2012, 03:53   #26
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Having an Affair with a Married Man - No Sex

Hello other woman,
A few years ago I did a work project with someone from outside the company I was working for. He was a gentle, sweet married man. We got on well. I would have had a secret affair to get more sexual experience as I knew that we would both keep quite about it. His wife found out that we were getting close and started to make his life hard over the hours we were working. I never had sex with him. He finished the project and moved on to another job. I would have said before meeting him I would never have an affair with a married man but I now I could not say this. Life is not always black and white. You have to ask yourself will you be happy with a secret relationship? Would you go out with other people as well as him? Would you be happy to know his life won't change because of you? Would he keep quite about you and him or would he be likely to tell the other guys in the office with a few drinks in him? If you go in this direction with him & it does not go well how would you cope in the office and with him?
Your the only person who can decide what to do next but it is important not to put your own life on hold it you take things further with him. People can and do have secret affairs all the time. No one can judge any other person.
 
14-01-2012, 18:03   #27
Daisy M
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Yes I did turn him down the first night we were together but we've joked about leaving work early and going to a nearby hotel. He knows that I've wanted to sleep with him and vice vearsa. Wow I'd be in dreadful emotional trouble then. I'd be very attached to him after that so thank God that never happened actually. We've only had coffee once outside of work and just kissed that night and everything else has been in work hidden away.

You're dead right about being so confused. He has driven me crazy. Full on one week and then all withdrawn with guilt the next and then texting me like mad again for days on end. I told him a couple of times to leave me alone for good but then he'd email or text me the next day. Thats probably the lack of respect as you guys have said. He wouldn't leave me alone. Its been a total emotional roller coaster.

Its great to get the feedback cos things are being said here that I've never thought about. I do think my friend has lost some respect for me since I've told her about this. I can hear it in her voice. If co-workers found out.......it doesn't bare thinking about. I want to do really well in the company and this would finish me if it came out. Its only hitting me now. Christ.

In the company I work for another girl based in a different town fell for her boss. He is co owner of the company. They had an affair got found out and were made end it. He would not leave her alone he kept chasing her in the end she had to leave with no other job to go to and quiet a reputation for herself. The man was only married a couple of years had one child and has had another one sense. I have seen him and his wife together and they come across as very much together and in love.

As for your friend she probably is disappointed in you but she will more than likely get over it when she sees it is not going any further. I magine how much worse things would be had you had a full blown affair and family, friends and co workers found out. And people always find out the guy I am referring to has absoloutly no idea that most of the people he employs know any thing about his affair he thinks it was kept quiet.
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