I was given this advice (however it took me another year to leave the relationship) but please take time to read it:-
The best that I can do is to tell you the truth about alcoholism.
You may not like my answer to you, but it will be honest and truthful.
The action that you take will undoubtedly determine what the rest of your life will be like!
If your boyfriend does not stop drinking, and you stay with him, you are
looking at a relationship and the good possibility of having a lifetime
full of pain and misery. If he does not stop for sure he will get worse.
If you continue to stay you will become his victim, but never his girlfriend, lover or
wife. Drinking alcoholics take “hostages” they never take partners,
because their alcoholism does not allow them to have a normal
relationship with another human being. Alcoholics who are still drinking are
generally self-centered to the extreme, booze is more important to them than
ANYTHING ELSE. As much as he may love you his addiction will never allow
you to come first, booze will always come before you, his health, his job, his family, andeven his very life. By breaking up with him you may be doing him a big favor by helping to raise his “bottom”. In other words his recognition that he has lost another thing that was important in his life. I know of many cases where the non-drinker of a couple ends up “joining “ thedrinker as a matter of their own survival. What ever
you do (unless you are also having a drinking problem) don't join him in his drinking, because to be a male alcoholic is bad enough, but to be a female
alcoholic is much worse because of the “special” problems that a woman drunk
faces. You will become his weak prey that he can do with whatever he wants to.
It is very easy for those who are close to an alcoholic to become“enablers”. An enabler is a person who allows an alcoholic to continue drinking, primarily by their acceptance of the alcoholic's actions and not holding them accountable for their unacceptable behavior. If an enabler has no special knowledge or training in the field of alcoholism and they try to help, the alcoholic can sense the ineptness and weakness of the enabler and they continue on drinking because they know that they will be forgiven and rescued time and time again… and again. In a backhanded way you will give him “permission” to drink by your continued acceptance of his unacceptable behavior. What ever you decide to do it should be based upon your head talking and not your heart. Don't let your actions appear to be allowing him to continue drinking. If you continue on the road that you are on you haven't seen anything yet. Alcoholism is a progressive disease it only gets worse it never gets better on its own.
I would make it very clear to him that you do not want to hear from him again until he does something positive about his drinking problem…and then only after he has been sober in a program of recovery (like AA) for at least one full year. Never make any threat to him unless you intend to follow through with it.
HOWEVER, if for some insane reason you cannot stop yourself from continuing
your relationship with him, then it would be wise for you to go to Alanon meetings. It is the Only way that you will survive the ordeal Of having an alcoholic in your life.
If you chose to remain in your relationship with him and you don't attend meetings you have no one to blame for your situation but yourself.
Alcoholics are not bad people, they are sick people who need help, but
they must be held responsible for their actions! You may not be able to do anything about your boyfriend's drinking but you can do something about the problem that has developed in your life by having an alcoholic in it.
Until you are armed with the right kind of information, knowledge and implications of the disease, your efforts to help him will be for nothing.
Alcoholism is deadly and it destroys everything and everyone who comes into contact with it. Please go to meetings it will be your only chance to survive the relationship.
If you don’t already know, it is generally believed, by many in the field of alcoholism, that it is a three-fold disease. Mental, Physical and Spiritual.
The “mental” part of the illness refers to the mental obsession to drink that precedes the first drink... a pre-occupation with thinking about drinking which is so powerful that the alcoholic must drink. The “physical” aspect of the disease is, that once the
first drink is downed a physical compulsion takes over in the form of a deep
incessant craving that the alcoholic must continue to drink until some outside incident stops them or they pass out.
The “spiritual” part of the illness (not spiritual in a religious way) is in the loss of an
alcoholic's values, and a willingness to settle for less and less as the drinking continues. It becomes difficult for the alcoholic to determine the difference between right and wrong or good and bad. The alcoholic develops a change in priorities where drinking becomes more important than health, family, job and friends.
Stopping drinking is not a matter of willpower.
Alcoholism is a disease.
Drinking alcoholically is but a symptom of a deeper underlying problem that must be faced up to in order for an alcoholic to recover. Without learning what that problem is, trying to stay away from a drink is known as "white knuckle sobriety". It isn't very long before the alcoholic has to drink again. For the alcoholic there is no such
thing as cutting down, drinking only on weekends, changing what they drink,
smoking pot or taking other mind altering drugs or even switching to “near
beer” with 0.05% alcohol. For the alcoholic nothing will work short of total and complete abstinence from any thing that contains alcohol or other mind-altering
substances (drugs). Of course the exception is a medical doctor's prescription as long as the doctor understands that he is dealing with an addicted person. Unfortunately, all alcoholics must hit their own bottom before they do anything about stopping. I am sorry to say that hitting a bottom for some many may mean going as low as a person can go...plus six feet! Don't let him take you there with him. Let him
go and get on with your life. Once again, you may help to save his life by raising his bottom even if you are no longer together.
Until he “admits and accepts” that alcohol is causing him problems there is little you can do for him. No one can scare an alcoholic into stopping drinking. Cajoling, hand-wringing, threatening, begging and even putting him away against his will, will not get him to stop doing what he has not made up his own mind to do. Don't think that he does not want to stop, he can't stop when left to his own devices. Also, don't
be lulled into thinking that an alcoholic will stop drinking just
because they say that they will. It's not that he will purposely lie to you… but they will lie to themselves because down deep he is afraid to stop.
Alcoholism is powerful, cunning, baffling and insidious. An active alcoholic's choices
become limited to: attending a recovery program like AA, or entering an in-patient detoxification clinic that has an after care outpatient program, then to the AA
program. If he does nothing about stopping then he is destined to die a drunk's death, get involved negatively with the law or end up in a mental institution. I am sorry to be blunt, but I am only stating what you probably already know. Rarely have I seen an alcoholic stop drinking on willpower alone. The disease is too powerful.
There is no reason why you should remain in such a horrible situation as you are. Just ask yourself what you would advise a friend to do if she came to you and explained the same situation that you are going through as her problem. I would bet that you would tell her to get away from him ASAP. You were not put on this earth to allow another person to enslave you and have to live in fear and yet do nothing about it.
If you do talk to him you may want to say that you are leaving him because of his drinking. And… that until he is sober for at least a year or more that you do not want to hear from him or have any contact with you. You have to get on with your life.
God forbid that you have a child with him and then become tied to him for the rest of your life and I am sure that he wont be a provider.
You know that its one thing for him to be ignorant of not knowing where to get
help, but he does know and won’t do anything about his problem.
I wish you the very best and I hope that I have not taken too much liberty with you in the way I have responded to your question. You seem to be an intelligent woman…
don’t let this man destroy your life. Get outwhile you can, and concentrate on a someone who can love you, more than booze.
I know that you love him…but he can’t love you and alcohol at the same time!