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21-10-2009, 13:23   #1
padraiggg
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My first go - title "The Madman?"

Chapter 1



A man in a hat entered the room. He took off the hat. “It's you!” They all said. At the same time like a class speaking to a teacher. “Hahaha Hello gentleman”, the man in the hat said, putting the hat on the table. “And hello ladies he said. Turning to the ladies and lifting his hat politely. “Leave us alone Trent!” The women said. Perhaps it was because the were angry at him for something he had done in the past, a long, long time ago. Or perhaps it was because he was holding a gun at them! The gun came from nowhere. He had got it out of his pocket and now both bullets were aimed at the people.”Say your prayers!” The man said but one of the men grabbed the gun, knocking the table with the hat on it and some other things on the floor. A vase got broken. Now the gun was in the other hands and we would have to wait and see if it was the right hands.


-----------------


got this far, now got to work out what happens next!
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21-10-2009, 14:05   #2
padraiggg
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sorry, should have said, im also looking for any feedback, do you think this is a good start how should i go from here
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21-10-2009, 15:57   #3
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It's not a very good start, to be quite honest. If you don't know what's going to happen 5 lines into the book, maybe you should work that out first and then start (re)writing.

"Leave us alone Trent" ?? is this what someone who has a gun pointed at them says? How is he aiming both barrels (not bullets) at all the women at once and not at the men?

What's the story with the hat? It's on his head, then off, then on again... ?

"Now the gun was in the other hands"

This doesn't really read like English.
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21-10-2009, 16:40   #4
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It reads as if it were written by a ten year old boy
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22-10-2009, 16:53   #5
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Thanks for the feedback guys, not sure what you mean about the ten year old thoguh! I've had some more ideas, here's the beginning to the second chapter.

----------
It had always been Trents problem to treat women like objects. Like a nice bookcase or a €350,000 mansion. He was sorry about that and sorry about what he had to do but he knew he had to do it. He had to pick up his hat and his gun and had to march to that house. He knew the people would be there and he had to kill them! But back to the women. Trent liked women but like all his things he did not do the right things with them. Like the time he broke that man's pen inthe bank by accident. He also like to take things that weren't his. "Leave my things alone! They would say to him. But he didnt care. not a jot.

----------

Its a bit of back story on Trent. I think hes probably a nice man but a bit misunderstood! Maybe he was trying to save the people from something else though, Im not sure yet.
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Frankly... Disturbing.
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23-10-2009, 15:53   #7
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SKRRK! SKRRK SKRRK! Somehwere in the distance Trent could hear it. SKRRK! SKRRK! SKRRK! Trent could well remember that noise from the time he was in the army. "I can well remember that noise from the time I was in the army" Trent thought. No time for thinking, he thought. And carried on running. The SKRRK!ing seemed to be getting closer though and Trent knew he must stop and fight or be killed. "Gasp!" Trent gasped. "Corporal Jones?" "Hahaha, yes Trent, I knew you would come here and I knew you knew what the SKRRK!ing was and that you must stop. That's why I did it and why I came here in the first place." Trent wasn't sure whether he should hug him or punch him! Hug him because of the SKRRK!ing wasn't real and he knew he was safe after all, or punch him because he didn't actually like him! He shook the Corporal Jones on the hand. "Hahaha" said Corporal Jones. "Same old Trent!"

---------------------
This is from when Trent is going to the house, he hasn't picked up his hat and gun yet so he's a bit scared when he hears the noise. He knows what it is, but I don't yet! Any ideas?
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23-10-2009, 16:19   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by padraiggg View Post
Any ideas?
More to the point, do you have any ideas or are you just writing the first thing that comes into your head?

Although I have to say this bit was kind of funny.
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23-10-2009, 16:46   #10
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I have an idea of the story and the kind of things i want to happen, for example Trent was in the army and thre was an exercise they did where there was either an animal or perhaps the enemy and they made the SKRRK! noise and so Trent is naturally afraid of it. I don't really know what makes a SKRRK! noise though. Someone sharpening a knife perhaps. Much more dificult to write those joiny bits in between the action. My last attempt was frankly disturbing apparently.
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27-10-2009, 03:06   #11
 
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Wow if this isnt taking the piss Id be shocked. Either way Ive found them hilarious, keep em coming!
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27-10-2009, 03:27   #12
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by padraiggg View Post
I have an idea of the story and the kind of things i want to happen, for example Trent was in the army and thre was an exercise they did where there was either an animal or perhaps the enemy and they made the SKRRK! noise and so Trent is naturally afraid of it. I don't really know what makes a SKRRK! noise though. Someone sharpening a knife perhaps. Much more dificult to write those joiny bits in between the action. My last attempt was frankly disturbing apparently.
All of your posts are frankly disturbing and I've noticed that scratching my head makes a SKRRK! sound. But write on............
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27-10-2009, 13:50   #13
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"A gun!" Trent barked and "A hat!. The shopkeeper did not appreciate being barked at but told Trent where the guns and the hats where in his shop. He also didn't like to sell a gun to a man like Trent. The hat was ok. "Take your precious gun and hat and get out of my shop" said the shopkeeper when Trent had bought the gun and hat. Trent left the shop, pointing the gun at the shopkeeper like he might have shot him. The hat sat on his head like a man sitting on a park bench. "Peeeow!" peeowed Trent making a noise like a gun shooting. "Peeow " to you too said the shopkeeper. He knew there wasn't any bullets in the gun! Yet...
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27-10-2009, 17:10   #14
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I'm starting to find this funny now

OP, one minor suggestion, using the spell-check function would add to the general read-ability of your writing. Perhaps a little more care with the use of apostrophes would make it easier to read the dialogue too.
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28-10-2009, 10:14   #15
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Trent was having a flashback. He suddenly remembered lots of exciting things that had happened to him that really showed who he was. He was glad that there was no way people could of known what he was thinking because it really gave away a lot about him. He shook his head to refocus on what he had to do. "Oh yes, killing all them people" Trent thought. He chuckled to himself "hahaha" because of the flashback. "Gosh that would really explain a lot about me... if people only knew what I was just thinking about..." A man who was passing looked at him and wondered why he had said it. BANG! Trent shot the man dead! He fell on the floor like some shopping that hadn't been doubly bagged but there was heavy shopping in the bag, so the bag ripped. Trent was just like that, but no-one knew why.
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