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Hi all,
Vanilla are planning an update to the site on April 24th (next Wednesday). It is a major PHP8 update which is expected to boost performance across the site. The site will be down from 7pm and it is expected to take about an hour to complete. We appreciate your patience during the update.
Thanks all.

The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

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Comments

  • Registered Users Posts: 1,979 ✭✭✭waynescales1


    People talk a lot these days about their technology spying on them. It's nothing new though, your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,695 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    A fortune teller told me that in twelve years time I'd suffer terrible heartbreak.

    So to cheer myself up I got a puppy.


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,065 ✭✭✭TheChevron


    Lads, is it OK to dip bread in curry?

    Asking for my naan


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,695 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    TheChevron wrote: »
    Lads, is it OK to dip bread in curry?

    Asking for my naan
    No double dipping if you are well bred.


  • Registered Users Posts: 3,725 ✭✭✭silliussoddius


    What knight built the round table?
    Sir Cumference


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  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,695 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Pop! goes the weasel, and other fun microwave games.


  • Posts: 0 [Deleted User]


    533610.jpg
    Pop! goes the weasel, and other fun microwave games.


  • Registered Users Posts: 605 ✭✭✭upupup


    What knight built the round table?
    Sir Cumference


    Sir Cular helped out too.


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,695 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    upupup wrote: »
    Sir Cular helped out too.
    It had to be done by knights because you can't squire the circle.


  • Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 76,347 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    upupup wrote: »
    Sir Cular saw to it.
    FYP.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 6,210 ✭✭✭bonzodog2


    It had to be done by knights because you can't squire the circle.

    They had fork handles to help them see what they were doing at knight


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,695 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    New Home wrote: »
    Sir Cular saw to it.
    Nailed it.


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,695 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Two blonde biologists were in the field on a fine summer day. While following a game trail, they came across a pair of tracks.
    "Those are deer tracks," the first blonde stated.
    "Oh no," she said other, "Those are definitely moose tracks."
    With this, they began to argue.

    They were still arguing when the train hit them.


  • Registered Users Posts: 71,799 ✭✭✭✭Ted_YNWA


    I had heard that there was a lot of Round Table puns here, but I wooden believe them.


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,887 ✭✭✭IrishZeus


    Ted_YNWA wrote: »
    I had heard that there was a lot of Round Table puns here, but I wooden believe them.

    Wouldn’t pay any attention to those posters. They’re just going in circles.


  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 253 ✭✭Xtrail14


    The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.
    On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, ‘Well, I’m off now. The man should be here soon.
    ’Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
    ‘Good morning, Ma’am’, he said, ‘I’ve come to…’‘Oh, no need to explain,’
    Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, ‘I’ve been expecting you.’
    ‘Have you really?’ said the photographer. ‘Well, that’s good. Did you know babies are my specialty?’
    ‘Well that’s what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat’.
    After a moment she asked, blushing, ‘Well, where do we start?’
    ‘Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.’
    ‘Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn’t work out for Harry and me!’
    ‘Well, Ma’am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results.’
    ‘My, that’s a lot!’, gasped Mrs. Smith.
    ‘Ma’am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I’d love to be In and out in five minutes, but I’m sure you’d be disappointed with that.’
    ‘Don’t I know it,’ said Mrs. Smith quietly.
    The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. ‘This was done on the top of a bus,’ he said.
    ‘Oh, my word!’ Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat‘
    And these twins turned out exceptionally well – when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with‘
    She was difficult?’ asked Mrs. Smith.
    ‘Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look’
    ‘Four and five deep?’ said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
    ‘Yes’, the photographer replied. ‘And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling – I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.’
    Mrs. Smith leaned forward. ‘Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh…equipment?’
    ‘It’s true, Ma’am, yes.. Well, if you’re ready, I’ll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.’
    ‘Tripod?
    ’‘Oh yes, Ma’am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It’s much too big to be held in the hand very long.
    ’Mrs. Smith fainted.


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,088 ✭✭✭byrner88


    I was doing a crossword in the pub and said to my Scottish friend;
    “I'm stuck on one, ‘trapped on a desert island, eight letters, starting with M’ “

    He said “Marooned”

    I replied “Thanks, I'll have a pint of lager then !”


  • Registered Users Posts: 71,799 ✭✭✭✭Ted_YNWA


    bonzodog2 wrote:
    They had fork handles to help them see what they were doing at knight

    Fork handles or four candles.


  • Posts: 0 [Deleted User]


    Ted_YNWA wrote: »
    Fork handles or four candles.
    Fourkandles


  • Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 76,347 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    Fore kandles?


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  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,695 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    New Home wrote: »
    Fore kandles?

    'O' 'Bill hooks'!


  • Posts: 0 [Deleted User]


    Two doctors were following a senior down the hall of the hospital.
    The man was walking so uncharacteristically; one leg kind of dragging the other hip was high stepping.
    One doc says "I'm thinking prostate surgery"; the other says "NO, a right hip replacement!"
    They caught up to the elderly man and asked "Which one of us is wrong...... do you need a hip replacement or prostate surgery?"
    The old man pointed to the first surgeon and said "You are wrong . . . and you are wrong . . . and I was wrong!"
    "What do my mean You were wrong?"
    Well the old man said "I thought it was just a fart!"


  • Registered Users Posts: 18,581 ✭✭✭✭The Princess Bride


    A Wilkinson sword lorry and a Gillette truck, narrowly avoided a collision earlier today.
    Both drivers reported that it was the closest shave they'd ever had.


  • Posts: 0 [Deleted User]


    I used to work in a factory manufacturing keyboards but they let me go after I was found to not be putting enough shifts in.


  • Registered Users Posts: 39 AIRMiNet


    *Teacher to Student*

    T: "Use the word 'centimeter' in a sentence"
    S: ‟My grandma was arriving at the train station so i was centimeter”

    T: ‟No, no, that‘s ‘Sent to meet her‘. Okay, try another one. Use ‘contagious‘ in a sentence please”

    S: ‟I had to wait at the train station for hours because it took that contagious!”


  • Registered Users Posts: 562 ✭✭✭el_gaucho


    How do you know a Finnish extrovert?

    He's the one who looks at your shoes.


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,695 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Finns can't wait for the end of the two meter distance rule.

    So they can go back to staying five meters apart.


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,695 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    I know this might make me sound big headed, but I can't get my jumper off.


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,695 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Always look out for number one.

    Especially when eating snow.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 18,581 ✭✭✭✭The Princess Bride


    No matter how enraged Germaine Greer is about something, she'll never be as irate as her sister Anne.


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