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Parents disapproval of my decisions

  • 28-02-2021 2:07pm
    #1
    Onlychild1
    Registered Users Posts: 3 ✭


    Hi everyone.

    I am on only child in my mid twenties. I was living abroad for two years, an experience I really enjoyed, and came home last year at the start of the pandemic. I have been living in my childhood home since then. This has been fine for the most part, despite not being able to meet friends of course. But I have enjoyed spending time with my parents again.

    When coming home I knew I would like to do more travelling. I have been thinking about this more and more recently, and my partner wants to move abroad again too. I mentioned this to my mother a few days ago and she became very upset. She said it is a bad idea and I should concentrate on progressing in my career in Ireland. Then she started saying lots of statements that I guess were intended to make me feel guilty (and successfully did) - 'you can't go again we worry about you too much', 'Nan will be devastated this could tip her over the edge'. She has since been giving me the silent treatment. My dad said I am very foolish and should concentrate on getting a good job in Ireland.

    I am really upset over all of this, and envious of friends whose parents support them in pursuing their goals. I understand that my parents want me close to them, or they might fear I won't come home. But they cannot see the opportunities for personal growth that I think travelling brings.

    There are parts of my life my parents don't know about and now I can see that I have huge trouble being open and honest with them. I was a bag of nerves even mentioning the idea of moving away again to my mother. I guess I was expecting a negative reaction and I do think I have issues with perfectionism and pleasing my parents which stem from childhood. Their approval means a lot to me and I am feeling a big sense of failure now. However, if I cannot be honest with them I know there is a huge flaw in our relationship.

    Would really appreciate any insights in how to deal with them and cope with their disappointment.


Comments

  • #2
    punisher5112
    Registered Users Posts: 24,647 ✭✭✭✭punisher5112


    They don't want to miss you like they did before, I actually think it's sweet..... They'll really miss you.

    It definitely would be easier if there were more siblings I'm sure, go easy on them and travel if you want but maybe think of coming back more often.

    I'd say with covid they are also worried more and don't want to lose you.

    Springing it on them like that may not have been the best idea and slow and steady hints may have been better.

    Sit down with them and get your feelings out now moreso because it's out there now.

    Listen to their concerns too.


  • #3
    bitofabind
    Registered Users Posts: 939 ✭✭✭bitofabind


    One of the biggest moments of personal growth I’ve had is realising that to be happy, sometimes you have to make decisions that make others uncomfortable. Unfortunately sometimes the people closest to you have a very different idea to you on what you should do in life, and that’s hard and unfortunate. But also, it’s not their decision to make.

    I think this is a situation where you need to stop polling your parents on what they think because they’ll never give you the validation you need. So you have to follow your heart, make your plans and tell them when you’re about to follow through. Will it make them unhappy, yes. But you’re an adult now with your own life to live. Guilting you over your granny is incredibly unfair and cruel. Their job as parents is to let you make your own decisions and if they’re not able to do that, parent yourself into it. What is likely to happen in the long term is they’ll understand this once you’ve been away for a while and won’t be as prone to crossing boundaries with you.


  • #4
    Jequ0n
    Registered Users Posts: 6,034 ✭✭✭Jequ0n


    Do your parents have a history of trying to influence your decisions? Sounds like they have used the guild trip card before.
    Sure you can see it as sweet and caring, or as controlling. Guilt tripping seems to be a parental favourite to control their children and if they have a history of it having worked with you (sounds like you are receptive) then of course they will use it again.
    Maybe I am just too cynical again, so you need to decide yourself if the shoe fits.


  • #5
    atilladehun
    Registered Users Posts: 1,564 ✭✭✭atilladehun


    Their approval on their terms will never leave you satisfied. It just can't work, your mind will go crazy trying to figure it out. You'll end up in a life partly imagined by them without direction.

    Set a goal over the next trip for them to show their approval on your terms. If they are invested in their own social life and have an interest in your trip, eh the places you'll go, the food you eat etc they can learn to enjoy that their child is living a fulfilled life. They brought you up, so they should be enjoying your happiness.

    Do this subtly, show your joy and excitement for travelling, give them ideas of the fun side of it. Of there's potential for a short visit then tee it up. Do it one at a time. Granny too. Bring something about it up, move onto another topic. It'll allow the seed to grow in their minds.

    Best of luck


  • #6
    zoobizoo
    Registered Users Posts: 2,712 ✭✭✭zoobizoo


    I remember when I was about to head off traveling the world and my mother at the airport...... she lifted up her sunglasses to show her tears rather than wish me luck and be happy for me.

    As a parent now, I think that when, or if, my kids decide to go on an adventure, that I'll wish them well and be excited for them.

    I don't blame my mum. She had never done anything like that herself and has never gone beyond her comfort zone. She lives with that fearful mindset and doesn't see the point of travelling or seeing new things or having experiences etc etc

    The solo travel was the making of me.

    In your case I wouldn't discuss it with them until you have decided what to do.

    Don't try to please your parents. Or worry about your gran.

    Live your life the way you want to.


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  • #7
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    Onlychild1 wrote: »
    Would really appreciate any insights in how to deal with them and cope with their disappointment.
    It doesn't sound like they're disappointed at all, just worried.

    Work, financial stability and personal achievement look very different for you than they did for your parents' generation. Depending on their age/background, it's understandable why they feel obliged to give a negative opinion. They think they're doing the right thing for you. Plus, they obviously want you close. These are good things. You're clearly invested in your own personal development and I think it's a great next step on that journey to be able to be grateful that your parents care so much, while having the strength to go ahead and follow your own path regardless of what they've said to you.

    Your mother's reaction, telling you you'll upset your nan and giving you the silent treatment, are totally out of order by the way. I know that wasn't what your post was asking about, but if my mother had spoken to me like that I'd definitely confront her about it.


  • #8
    antix80
    Registered Users Posts: 2,419 ✭✭✭antix80


    Hi op. This is an easy one. Go. Now!
    Look, travelling brings some growth but for many it's an extended holiday. But as long as you can earn money now and in the future you have very little to worry about.
    Your parents are trying to control you. Mine did the same in my mid20s and it got to me.. Even when abroad they were so nice, sent me money when i didnt need it, painted a rosey picture.. But once home the doubt and putdowns happened again about career, house, even driving a 2nd hand car. Maybe those things really are the be all and end all to parents... More likely they just use them to sew seeds of doubt in your mind.
    And look your nan might die when you're abroad. Or she might live to be 100. At your age she was probably too busy living her life than to worry about your great great grandmother.


  • #9
    FTA69
    Registered Users Posts: 9,252 ✭✭✭FTA69


    punisher5112 wrote: »
    They don't want to miss you like they did before, I actually think it's sweet..... They'll really miss you..

    It isn’t sweet, it’s overbearing and borderline controlling behaviour and it’s bang out of order. Having clingy parents that constantly rubbish your decisions and demand you conform exactly to their idea of what you should be doing is absolutely negative and painful stuff to be dealing with and there’s nothing worse than being told “ah sure it’s only out of concern, they’re your parents”.

    I’ve had similar issues before OP, constant and total negativity about everything from travel plans, living abroad, work, sports I did, activities I did, women I dated - “wouldn’t you not be better off doing XYZ instead of that?” In my late teens I was getting daily calls to the point I disconnected my phone.

    In the end I had to sit them down and say I was grateful for their concern but my life was my own to live and that I would do what I wanted, when I wanted to that effect. I also said that I would speak to them on a weekly basis but would not be fielding daily calls. There was a bit of kicking off about it at the time but eventually they accepted that I wasn’t going to be held hostage on any issue and that was that.

    It’s very difficult to confront parents, but you’re going to have to have that chat at some stage and maybe even have a bit of a cool period with them as a result. I promise you that if you don’t and allow them to dictate what you do that you will profoundly regret it.


  • #10
    LimeFruitGum
    Registered Users Posts: 994 ✭✭✭LimeFruitGum


    You don't need their permission/blessing to do anything, OP. They disapprove? So what. They're not going to like all your decisions in life, they may as well get used to it. :)

    It sounds like if you ask them a question, you're inviting an opinion, and before you know it, half the family is discussing your business. You've lived independently for a while already. You can always come back. Were they like this the first time you moved away? Are they clingier now because of Covid & your Nan?

    Of course they'd love to have you home, even if they're projecting massively, but you have to live your life and set boundaries. Thousands of Irish people do the travel thing in their 20s. Depending on where you're going, perhaps you could do a contract there. Plenty of options. Emigration and travelling isn't forever anymore.


  • #11
    Onlychild1
    Registered Users Posts: 3 ✭Onlychild1


    Hi all, OP here.

    Thank you so much for all the very insightful replies. I have been very upset over this the last few days, and am still being largely ignored which is really hurtful. I think I know now that I need to make my own decision and inform them when I know what I'm going to do, as a few of you suggested. They will never be happy to let me go.

    There was a similar 'how could you do this' reaction when I first moved abroad 2 years ago. I was asked at least once a month when I'd be coming home for good. (I also flew home every 6 months to visit them). I nearly felt like I couldn't enjoy my time away, they were constantly counting down to the next time they would see me. When I moved home Covid had hit, and though I knew I'd like to do more travelling, I knew I'd have to wait a while. I would overhear my mother say to relatives 'thank god she's home for good now' etc, even though I never said this.

    They probably got too used to having me living at home again, but that was never going to last forever! I don't know if it was a mistake to move back into the family home. They have both also retired recently which means they have more time on their hands to worry about me.


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  • #12
    antix80
    Registered Users Posts: 2,419 ✭✭✭antix80


    Onlychild1 wrote: »
    I don't know if it was a mistake to move back into the family home.

    It was.

    Also beware the ever frequent calls while you're abroad perhaps daily. Don't build them into your schedule.. I find the best time to make such calls (rather than be available to receive) is at work. Sure, it's your employer's time but you're conscious of the value of the time.... Rather than slap bang in the middle of your evening.


  • #13
    HalfAndHalf
    Registered Users Posts: 827 ✭✭✭HalfAndHalf


    You say you’ve been living abroad for 2 years and you’re 25 and your parents are giving you guilt trips over saying you want to go travelling again.

    What work have you been doing when living abroad? Just the typical bit part jobs to earn some spends or you’re qualified in something and build on this when in other countries?

    To be fair to your parents they may have given you some real guilt trips which isn’t the way to play it but what they’re saying about a career is real. 25 and off travelling again, most people are or have started on their career path by now so they’re only thinking of your best interests.


  • #14
    Onlychild1
    Registered Users Posts: 3 ✭Onlychild1


    HalfAndHalf wrote: »
    You say you’ve been living abroad for 2 years and you’re 25 and your parents are giving you guilt trips over saying you want to go travelling again.

    What work have you been doing when living abroad? Just the typical bit part jobs to earn some spends or you’re qualified in something and build on this when in other countries?

    To be fair to your parents they may have given you some real guilt trips which isn’t the way to play it but what they’re saying about a career is real. 25 and off travelling again, most people are or have started on their career path by now so they’re only thinking of your best interests.

    I'm a secondary teacher. I was teaching abroad and would intend to continue.
    My experience teaching abroad will stand to me. But I would be travelling primarily for new experiences and adventures.

    Originally I had been thinking about trying to get a permanent job here first and then taking a career break to move away again. But it's likely I'd be closer to 30 by the time this happens.


  • #15
    HalfAndHalf
    Registered Users Posts: 827 ✭✭✭HalfAndHalf


    Onlychild1 wrote: »
    I'm a secondary teacher. I was teaching abroad and would intend to continue.
    My experience teaching abroad will stand to me. But I would be travelling primarily for new experiences and adventures.

    Originally I had been thinking about trying to get a permanent job here first and then taking a career break to move away again. But it's likely I'd be closer to 30 by the time this happens.

    I’m sorry to be the opposite of what you want to hear but it sounds like you just want to be travelling. At some point the real world has to start. There’s nothing wrong with that but to be brutally honest, if 2 CVS landed on my desk and both were 30yo and one had spent most of their twenties travelling, I’d go with the other one mainly because the other one has close to 10 years experience.

    I’d probably be right too with the attitude that you might get a job here then leave them in the lurch with a ‘career break’ to go travelling AGAIN!!

    I’m not sure you’ve noticed but there’s a lot of people looking for work at the moment....each job gets hundreds sometimes thousands of applications.

    Sorry.

    Just something to bear in mind.


  • #16
    GavK
    Registered Users Posts: 286 ✭✭GavK


    HalfAndHalf wrote: »
    I’m sorry to be the opposite of what you want to hear but it sounds like you just want to be travelling. At some point the real world has to start. There’s nothing wrong with that but to be brutally honest, if 2 CVS landed on my desk and both were 30yo and one had spent most of their twenties travelling, I’d go with the other one mainly because the other one has close to 10 years experience.

    I’d probably be right too with the attitude that you might get a job here then leave them in the lurch with a ‘career break’ to go travelling AGAIN!!

    I’m not sure you’ve noticed but there’s a lot of people looking for work at the moment....each job gets hundreds sometime thousands of applications.

    Sorry.

    Just something to bear in mind.

    And I’d go with the person who spent their 20’s travelling. OP, I spent my 20’s living in Chicago for 14 months, New York for 2 months and Boston for 3 months. Came home for a couple of years and then spent a year in Melbourne. Was planning on staying in Melbourne for another year but my dad passed away unexpectedly Christmas 2018 so when I came home for the funeral, I decided to stay at home for good. My point is it was my choice to go travelling and my choice to stay home. Don’t worry about what your parents think and don’t let anyone scaremonger you out of going. I’ll be 31 this year and don’t regret a second of it, you’re only young still.


  • #17
    TheRookie82
    Registered Users Posts: 12 ✭TheRookie82


    I am also an only child and I faced this situation many years ago. It was mainly driven my mother who has now passed on.It's your life so do what makes you happy, we can't spend our adult lives pleasing out parents. It's also unfair of them to expect this.

    You are also being made feel guilty (I've experienced this also) and that is massively unfair. I've a child now myself and I will never expect her to alter her adult life to suit what I want. I'll be first on the plane twice a year to see her though should she move away.

    Hope this helps


  • #18
    km991148
    Registered Users Posts: 4,275 ✭✭✭km991148


    The guilt trips and emotional blackmail are bs and it's a slight on your parents not you.
    You could firmly point out that you understand that they only care about you but you are not having being made to feel that way over your own life decisions. And that's what it is, your life, travel, take a career, try and succeed to do both (or fail even, hopefully not!) or to do whatever you want with it.


  • #19
    FionMc
    Registered Users Posts: 59 ✭✭FionMc


    It might be the case that your parents want you to focus on a career more than staying in Ireland. Maybe they see your time abroad as one big never ending holiday? Id be interested to learn how they would feel about you going abroad to peruse a proper career - would they object to that? Maybe test that idea out on them and update me on how it goes?


  • #20
    freshpopcorn
    Registered Users Posts: 30,178 ✭✭✭✭freshpopcorn


    OP, just do what you want. There's nothing wrong with it.
    Lot's of people's parents feel like your but they say nothing and just leave their children off.
    Some people's are nightmares and really try and control them.
    I think your mother probably thought you had your travelling done.
    Some people would be of the view. You get your degree and might go off for a year and then you come home and get your permanent job and settle down and that's that.
    There's nothing wrong with what your doing providing that your not depending on your parents for financial support.


  • #21
    Jequ0n
    Registered Users Posts: 6,034 ✭✭✭Jequ0n


    Sounds like the parents are posting here
    The OP didn’t ask for advice if she should travel or not, but how to deal with her feelings of guilt instilled in her by her parents...

    It doesn’t sound like an extended holiday but proper work, so I really can’t see how that can be misconstrued as “wasting time”


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  • #22
    Neyite
    Administrators, Politics Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 25,947 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Neyite


    It's possibly a generational thing - it was important to be stable, have a steady job and not screw it up. I would see similar attitudes in my parents and my in-laws. It's kind of like they feel their job as parents is done when they see you 'settled' - whether that's with a husband/wife, a mortgage, or a pensionable job.

    So, how to handle it - well, you aren't a child, you are an adult and this sulking/ignoring you is not only very childish, but also manipulative. Now, only you know your parents and will find the right way to approach this, but if it was me, I'd tell them that the last week in the house has been difficult and that if they are going to be like that about every decision you make in your life, that you will go right back abroad, (you can leave the country during covid if it's for work) and their disapproval is more likely to ensure that you visit home less often.

    This is your life. They got to make choices that suited them in their life, you have the right to make choices in yours, without guilt or manipulation. And that if they are going to sulk or ignore you because you make a decision they disagree with, you'll treat that behaviour with the contempt it deserves. I'd be tempted to obviously pack your things and say that you won't stay anywhere where you are being subjected to manipulative sulking and go stay with a friend. Now I tend to be quite confrontational so that might not suit you or your situation. But I think that you might be a bit of a people pleaser where your parents are concerned and this ignoring/sulking has maybe worked on you when you were younger - but now it's time to draw the line in the sand and let them know it's no longer acceptable.


  • #23
    rainbowtrout
    Registered Users Posts: 15,381 ✭✭✭✭rainbowtrout


    HalfAndHalf wrote: »
    I’m sorry to be the opposite of what you want to hear but it sounds like you just want to be travelling. At some point the real world has to start. There’s nothing wrong with that but to be brutally honest, if 2 CVS landed on my desk and both were 30yo and one had spent most of their twenties travelling, I’d go with the other one mainly because the other one has close to 10 years experience.

    I’d probably be right too with the attitude that you might get a job here then leave them in the lurch with a ‘career break’ to go travelling AGAIN!!

    I’m not sure you’ve noticed but there’s a lot of people looking for work at the moment....each job gets hundreds sometimes thousands of applications.

    Sorry.

    Just something to bear in mind.

    And teachers that have taught abroad have always been looked on favourably in my school as they bring a wider range of experience to the classroom having taught in different education systems. Not every manager thinks like this.


  • #24
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    You are being very harsh on your parents.

    You are their only child and you moved away for a while, came back, and just sprung it on them again that you want to go traveling, indefinitely, again.

    Of course they are upset! You are complaining that they are not supporting your goals, but you don't appear to have any aside from "traveling for experiences and adventures". That's all well and good, but that is not a long term goal that can last forever, so of course your parents are saying that you should get a proper job teaching here at home, and not as an itinerant teacher bobbing around the world. You have done this for 2 years already, is it what you want to do for the rest of your life?

    Presumably having a career teaching in Ireland was a goal at one stage, seen as you qualified as a teacher? Would traveling for two or three months every summer not sate your wanderlust?

    It might not be popular here with some, but I firmly believe that unless your parents are horrible people (none of your posts suggest they are) then you have a responsibility towards them especially as they get older. As an only child that sucks because it is all on you, but that's the way it is.

    Your parents will miss you, and will probably count the days down towards your visits. They will do this because they love you. If this makes you feel guilty it is not them "making" you feel guilty. Of course you dad thinks you foolish if your plan is to go wandering for what, 5 years? More? And then what? Come home and everything just appears and falls into place?

    Come up with a proper long term career plan and goal beyond indeterminate "experiences". Traveling may fit into this, for example, getting good pay in Dubai etc. to save for a house. Come up with something solid, and sell them on that, but more importantly, have some solid goals for yourself. What do you want for the next 10, 15, 20 years? What pension arrangements have you made? If you stay abroad too long you will not get the full 40 years and will not be able to meaningfully retire early with 35 years.

    I presume (because the vast majority do) that you will want a family some day. You are (with no long term plan) risking bobbing around the world for the next few years until your early thirties, then having to scramble in your early to mid thirties, when time is running out to have kids, to get a permanent job, get a house etc, essentially from scratch (in Ireland).

    Your mid twenties is time to grow up, have long term plans, and start taking action working towards them. If traveling around for the rest of your life is your goal then fair enough, but it sounds like you just want to go for "personal growth and experiences" for an indeterminate amount of time, with no real concrete plans for anything beyond 6 months away.


  • #25
    rainbowtrout
    Registered Users Posts: 15,381 ✭✭✭✭rainbowtrout


    Harlan Tiny Mulch wrote: »
    Y

    I presume (because the vast majority do) that you will want a family some day. You are (with no long term plan) risking bobbing around the world for the next few years until your early thirties, then having to scramble in your early to mid thirties, when time is running out to have kids, to get a permanent job, get a house etc, essentially from scratch (in Ireland).

    Not everyone wants this as a life plan. You're putting it out there that it's more or less the only life plan that the OP should follow. Plenty of people don't want a rigid career to do the same job for 40 years. Many people change career multiple times, or are just happy to have money to pay the bills.

    The OP has no obligation of duty to her parents. Children shouldn't be made feel that their purpose is to look after their parents. Her parents sound quite controlling, she's better off heading off and having some space and independence.

    She might of course, follow your suggested plan... in one of the places she travels to. Not everyone returns home permanently.


  • #26
    HalfAndHalf
    Registered Users Posts: 827 ✭✭✭HalfAndHalf


    rainbowtrout wrote: »
    And teachers that have taught abroad have always been looked on favourably in my school as they bring a wider range of experience to the classroom having taught in different education systems. Not every manager thinks like you.

    Yes but that isn’t what the OP has said now is it. It’s very much a go travelling for the craic and not go and work in other countries building a CV.

    If they’d said ‘I want to go travelling for a few years and spend 12/18 months in one place working and learning the culture then again somewhere else then that’s grand, but that isn’t what was said.

    Who knows as the OP hasn’t clarified anything but it reads to me, especially the ‘oh I might get a job here then head off soon after for a ‘career break’ as someone who needs to grow up a bit as life isn’t one big holiday, especially at the moment with so many out of work and fierce competition for every role.


  • #27
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    rainbowtrout wrote: »
    Not everyone wants this as a life plan. You're putting it out there that it's more or less the only life plan that the OP should follow. Plenty of people don't want a rigid career to do the same job for 40 years. Many people change career multiple times, or are just happy to have money to pay the bills.

    The OP has no obligation of duty to her parents. Children shouldn't be made feel that their purpose is to look after their parents. Her parents sound quite controlling, she's better off heading off and having some space and independence.

    She might of course, follow your suggested plan... in one of the places she travels to. Not everyone returns home permanently.
    Did you not read the rest of my post? Sure none of that might be her plan, but she should have some sort of a plan. And if her plan is, essentially, to have no plan, they why wouldn't her parents be worried and consider such an approach foolish?

    OP made numerous references to work abroad "standing to her" in Ireland, presumably meaning she intends to return at some stage?

    Children most certainly do have some responsibility and duty towards their parents (unless said parents are poisonous). It is not absolute but it is something that has to be factored in, weighed and considered. I'm not saying that this should stop people doing what they want, but it is a factor and a responsibility that should be considered.


  • #28
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators Posts: 13,759 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    FionMc wrote: »
    Maybe test that idea out on them and update me on how it goes?

    FionMc, welcome to Personal Issues. Please read The Forum Charter before posting again. Asking a poster to update is against the rules of the forum.

    Personal Issues is a heavily moderated forum and breaches of the charter often result in cards and bans from the forum.


  • #29
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators Posts: 13,759 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    rainbowtrout, HalfAndHalf and ex loco refugii, please advise the OP in your posts. Getting into argument with each other about potential, hypothetical, future situations is irrelevant to her issue today.

    Personal Issues is an advice forum. Please direct your replies to the OP with mature, constructive, civil advice.

    Thanks,
    Big Bag of Chips.


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