My dad has been given weeks to live

Powerfairy · 22-06-2016 2:20pm #1

Hi There,

I am not sure why I am posting this, I just really need to talk about it,
My dad has been sick for 2 years, he had pancreatic cancer initially, and it spread to his liver, and now its everywhere.

My dad fought a great battle, it is a disease where people are only given months to live, but he really was a healthy man before, so this was a shock to us all.

I know most people love their father, but my love for my father is so much that I cannot imagine my life without him, he's my best friend, and the only one in my family I feel that genuinely looks out for me. He is an actual saint, and made my life very happy. He means everything to me.

My mother has bi-polar disorder so she isn't handling my dads sudden down hill decline very well at all, he has got so sick in the last two weeks that he cant walk much/eat at all / communicate. She is aggressive towards me a lot of the time, because she can't deal with her own grief and has to look after my dad Monday to Thursday (I work from home on Friday and spend weekends at home with them)

I am terrified of him dying because I will have not only my own grief to deal with but my mothers, along with having to worry about her, and will she be ok living alone, and will I have to move home from Dublin to look after her, (she has attempted suicide a few times in her life I fear she might do this again her depression is very severe at times)

I feel angry at god, for doing this to me, I feel angry at life, I am so angry in general because my father is the kindest most generous person you could ever meet and this isn't fair, I am angry with my two brothers, they haven't helped out much at home, they have their own families so its all on me, and I feel its always left to the girl in the family to do everything. I am the only girl and the youngest. Only for my boyfriend who is also a saint I would be lost.

Sorry for the long post, but does anyone have any advice on how to get through the anger at losing someone, I am doing exams in the middle of all this, I am going on to be an accountant, and along with that my work situation is crazy and I don't feel they are understanding of what is happening for me, instead of taking work off me, I have been given more responsibility,

I am afraid I am going to crack under the pressure. I am normally tougher than this, but I feel like I just want to quit my job and head for the middle of nowhere, where there is no people and deal with this on my own

Its truly the worst point of my life ever, and life after dad wont be a life at all. Thanks

Buona Fortuna · 22-06-2016 2:26pm

Sorry to read that PowerFairy.

I'm at a loss for words, but I just wanted to say I wish you and your family all the best.

Powerfairy · 22-06-2016 2:29pm

Buona Fortuna wrote: »

Sorry to read that PowerFairy.

I'm at a loss for words, but I just wanted to say I wish you and your family all the best.

Thank you, that means a lot. I read what I wrote back there, I typed so quickly that I didn't realise how "poor me" it sounded, So sorry If I gave that impression. take care, thanks for the message,

Buona Fortuna · 22-06-2016 2:31pm

Powerfairy wrote: »

Thank you, that means a lot. I read what I wrote back there, I typed so quickly that I didn't realise how "poor me" it sounded, So sorry If I gave that impression. take care, thanks for the message,

Don't worry about how it sounds to others.

Avatar MIA · 22-06-2016 2:36pm

It sounds like you have a great relationship with your father, which means it's going to make it even harder to say goodbye.

Added to your worries, you'll have to give your father the impression you will be able to cope after he is gone. It's probably one of his biggest worries now.

Regards work, you need to explain to them that you need to spend time with you father as it's only a matter of weeks, if necessary a note from your doctor could be got due to stress. You can only handle so much.

You also need to get your brothers more involved before and immediately after your father's passing to help with your mother.

All the best

Powerfairy · 22-06-2016 2:41pm

Avatar MIA wrote: »

It sounds like you have a great relationship with your father, which means it's going to make it even harder to say goodbye.

Added to your worries, you'll have to give your father the impression you will be able to cope after he is gone. It's probably one of his biggest worries now.

Regards work, you need to explain to them that you need to spend time with you father as it's only a matter of weeks, if necessary a note from your doctor could be got due to stress. You can only handle so much.

You also need to get your brothers more involved before and immediately after your father's passing to help with your mother.

All the best

Thanks that is good advice, I was considering the work sick note thing, as bereavement leave is only 5 days in the company, and I think I can get 3 days force majeure which isn't near enough. thank you.

Avatar MIA · 22-06-2016 2:42pm

Powerfairy wrote: »

Thanks that is good advice, I was considering the work sick note thing, as bereavement leave is only 5 days in the company, and I think I can get 3 days force majeure which isn't near enough. thank you.

Yes, good thinking re Force Majeure, just remember it needs to be taken while your father is still alive. They might also let you take unpaid leave.

Gael23 · 22-06-2016 2:45pm

It also might be worth approaching the palliative care unit at whatever hospital he deals with to see if they can organise some home care hours for you? If nothing else, it will take the burden off your mother.

Powerfairy · 22-06-2016 2:49pm

Gael23 wrote: »

It also might be worth approaching the palliative care unit at whatever hospital he deals with to see if they can organise some home care hours for you? If nothing else, it will take the burden off your mother.

Yep we have palliative care they call twice a week, as they are stretched due to demand, we are in the north east so the north eastern health board is flat out, we have a lovely nurse, who daddy really likes, they just seem to give him pain relief, and that's about it. That's all that can be done at the minute. making him comfortable.
Thanks for advice

nikkibikki · 22-06-2016 2:54pm

Avatar MIA wrote:

Yes, good thinking re Force Majeure, just remember it needs to be taken while your father is still alive. They might also let you take unpaid leave.

You probably won't get FM.

You are in the middle of what will be one of the most difficult times in your life, you need to give yourself a break OP. Postpone your exams til the next sitting if you can. Sounds like you need a break from the workplace too so a sick note from your doctor wouldn't be a bad idea. You can concentrate on being there for your Dad, your Mam and yourself. Def get your brothers involved. You can't do it all. Sometimes they need to be told what to do. They can spare a few hours and sacrifice their time just as you are. They may regret not doing so when your Dad passes.

Hope you look after yourself OP. And hope your Dad has a peaceful passing.

Avatar MIA · 22-06-2016 2:57pm

nikkibikki wrote: »

You probably won't get FM.

Why not?
Force majeure leave

If you have a family crisis the Parental Leave Acts 1998 and 2006 give an employee a limited right to leave from work. This is known as force majeure leave. It arises where, for urgent family reasons, the immediate presence of the employee is indispensable owing to an injury or illness of a close family member.

fixXxer · 22-06-2016 3:04pm

Powerfairy wrote: »

I am terrified of him dying because I will have not only my own grief to deal with but my mothers, along with having to worry about her, and will she be ok living alone, and will I have to move home from Dublin to look after her, (she has attempted suicide a few times in her life I fear she might do this again her depression is very severe at times)

I can sympathies a lot with you feeling this. When my Mother died My father and my sister went to pieces completely. My dad especially was almost non-functioning for the days up to the funeral. I didn't realize that that was almost the easy part. In the weeks and months after I would come up to my house to visit or ring me for a chat and just end up crying and crying.

It was extremely hard to cope with my own loss and trying to help him come to terms with his. There is no easy way to do this. What you must do is talk to someone though. Have someone you can speak freely with freely with. A friend, the Samaritans, an internet forum, it doesn't matter.

Related to that, tell your work whats going on if possible. Most places will try and be supportive once they are aware, especially if you have to act as a safety net for someone.

Shint0 · 22-06-2016 3:07pm

When somebody is dying from a long-term/terminal illness the death process can actually be very protracted. So even though the person's medical team might estimate how long they have left to live in reality it can sometimes be a very long drawn out process. It could be a couple of weeks, a month or more. Just to make you aware of that if you are trying to organize practical arrangements and divide up responsibilties with the rest of the family.

Your situation is very touching. I hope your father has a peaceful and comfortable passing, and that you will try to access any support you need both now and in the aftermath. I'm sure your father is very proud of you.

Take care and look after yourself.

storker · 22-06-2016 3:07pm

My father died of cancer at the age of 79. It was in his pancreas, liver and lungs. He had also suffered a severe stroke at the relatively young age of 63. He was the most unselfish person I've ever known, his family was his main interest in life, and his only desire for himself was to be useful, so I completely get the sense of injustice you're feeling. Not being a believer in God, I can't blame him, so I don't have that anger, but I can understand it completely. That was in 2009 and I think of him every day. Thankfully our younger daughter is very like him in looks and personality, so part of his is definitely still with us. I'm sure you will find the same, one way or the other.

There is light on the other side, and you will be OK, even if you may spend a lot of time not believing that. My thoughts are with you, for whatever that's worth.

Powerfairy · 22-06-2016 3:10pm

fixxxer wrote: »

I can sympathies a lot with you feeling this. When my Mother died My father and my sister went to pieces completely. My dad especially was almost non-functioning for the days up to the funeral. I didn't realize that that was almost the easy part. In the weeks and months after I would come up to my house to visit or ring me for a chat and just end up crying and crying.

It was extremely hard to cope with my own loss and trying to help him come to terms with his. There is no easy way to do this. What you must do is talk to someone though. Have someone you can speak freely with freely with. A friend, the Samaritans, an internet forum, it doesn't matter.

Related to that, tell your work whats going on if possible. Most places will try and be supportive once they are aware, especially if you have to act as a safety net for someone.

I'm so sorry to hear that, that is my big fear, I really hope your dad is doing better now.
There is a big age gap between my parents so my mother is still a young woman, I can see she is scared of what is to come, dad looked after her for years through her illness, he was the best dad, I need to be more understanding for her.

Powerfairy · 22-06-2016 3:16pm

storker wrote: »

My father died of cancer at the age of 79. It was in his pancreas, liver and lungs. He had also suffered a severe stroke at the relatively young age of 63. He was the most unselfish person I've ever known, his family was his main interest in life, and his only desire for himself was to be useful, so I completely get the sense of injustice you're feeling. Not being a believer in God, I can't blame him, so I don't have that anger, but I can understand it completely. That was in 2009 and I think of him every day. Thankfully our younger daughter is very like him in looks and personality, so part of his is definitely still with us. I'm sure you will find the same, one way or the other.

There is light on the other side, and you will be OK, even if you may spend a lot of time not believing that. My thoughts are with you, for whatever that's worth.

That message was so heartfelt, and lovely. thank you, it means so much to me. its so lovely that you see similarities in your daughter, x thank you. x

fixXxer · 22-06-2016 3:33pm

Powerfairy wrote: »

I'm so sorry to hear that, that is my big fear, I really hope your dad is doing better now.
There is a big age gap between my parents so my mother is still a young woman, I can see she is scared of what is to come, dad looked after her for years through her illness, he was the best dad, I need to be more understanding for her.

He is doing better now but it is six years later. It takes time. I admit that in my weaker moments when tired after work and taking care of my family I wished he would just pull himself together. It's natural to feel like that sometimes (I hope), but it passes. All you can do is be there for your mother when she needs you. If you can, take time for yourself to breath as well.

Tell me how · 22-06-2016 3:38pm

Hi Powerfairy.
My heart goes out to you for what you're dealing with.
I would definitely agree with previous posters regarding trying to postpone exams. The last thing you need is something like that occupying your thoughts.

If you have an understanding boss I'd suggest discussing with them regarding Force Majeur, unpaid leave or taking time off in lieu of future OT. If they can't accommodate you then it may be that the stress you may come under might call for you to take some sick leave.

I would suggest a frank discussion with your siblings and mother where you all get to acknowledge how difficult this is for each of you and that you need to support each other as much as your father.

Finally, and I've thought about this so I hope it's not being disingenuous but, a lot of times people don't get to say goodbye to someone they care about. I think that that can greatly affect the grieving process. I think it "may" make it easier for all of you once your father does pass if you feel that there was nothing left unsaid.

You wrote about how much your dad means to you, can you try to use the time you have left to spend as much of it with him as possible. Have fun, do something you both can enjoy if possible even if it's just watching a film he may have liked.

Again, my sympathies for what you're going through.

pxdf9i5cmoavkz · 22-06-2016 3:59pm

Powerfairy wrote: »

Sorry for the long post, but does anyone have any advice on how to get through the anger at losing someone

I'm sorry for what you are going through at the moment Powerfairy. The death of a family member is never easy.

I know this is very hard to even contemplate or do, but anger will only cloud your judgement and your actions. It helps no one.

You need to spend time with your father now, as much time as possible. It's a raw deal that you've been dealt but you need to be thankful that you still have time to spend with him. Sudden deaths are the absolute worst (speaking from experience with my mam).

Also try to remember that the one of the most important things your father wants for you right now and after he passes is that he does not want you to worry. Try and honour this for him.

I'm sure your work will understand your situation if you explain it to them. It will be a grave mistake on your part to limit spending time with your father because of work responsibilities. Money will come and go, jobs will come and go. Your father is a once in a life time.

As difficult as it may seem right now you will get out on the other end. All the best and keep your chin up

ella23 · 22-06-2016 4:16pm

Oh Powerfairy. All i want to do is give you a hug. You are going through so much at the moment. It is incomprehensible. I can't think of anything to say to you that will ease your pain about losing your dad. Just make sure while you can to talk with him and smile with him and when he declines try and think of him when he was a healthy man. On a practical side there are a few things you need to consider.

He is entitled to care from the Daffodil nurses from the Irish Cancer society. They will come at night. They are funded entirely by the Irish Cancer society. If you log on to the site and give them a ring they will talk you through everything. They are brilliant. And lovely lovely people. Also if you can get on to the Irish Hospice foundation. There will be someone on the site to help you. Please do. Both these charities are here to help you with that stuff, including equipment if you want him to pass at home, or they will get him in to the local hospice for hospice care at the end. Whichever you choose.

In regards to your poor mom, with mental illness she has it very tough. Make sure to talk to the GP about her ASAP (maybe initially without her there so you can tell him your worries about her coping, the GP might then be able to pre-empt her having a breakdown or doing harm to herself) that her health needs are taken care of as this is all happening. Whether it is upping her medication for this hard time or speaking to a counsellor.

Your brothers need to step up, I know they have families. But you need to call a family meeting with them (without mam and dad). Tell them you need help and maybe draw up a timetable or cooking, cleaning, spending time at home with the parents. They will regret not doing more otherwise in the end themselves. A bit of organisation will stop any arguments, or anger on all your parts. Sometimes lads dont realise that you are doing more, i know that is the case with one of my brothers.

Exams: Get on to your college tomorrow and tell them that you won't be able to take the exams this summer and can they move them out. Whoever the college is has plans in place for situations like this, you won't be charged to resit the exams, but they need to know now. They can wait until your life has settled.

Ask work can you go part time for maybe two days a week while this is happening. Just make sure they know what is happening. If they are worth their salt they will help you and work around you.

I am so sorry this is happening to you. Please PM me if you need advice or even to chat.

x

The Hurricane · 22-06-2016 4:24pm

Hi Powerfairy,

I'm really sorry to hear of your Dads illness and that he has got weeks to live.

A lot has been said already and its good advice. Id consider postponing the exams if you can and definitely speak to someone at work who will understand what your going through.

I think you need to have a family meeting / call with your brothers if you can and see how they can help out more. You seem to be under a lot of pressure and have a big workload caring for your Dad, exams and work too and your Mums illness too. Its a lot to deal with.

I lost my mum when she was 61 just 8 years ago she had cancer too and was given weeks to live. it was a tough situation for me my dad brother and sister. But we rallied around each other and just got thorough it together .

Its sounds like you have a great relationship with your dad and I'm sure hes worried about you and how its affecting you so try and be brave for him if you can. My way of getting through the whole situation was to think at least I've had my mum here for 33 years some of my friends lost their Mum or Dad when they were in primary or secondary school. You try to see the positives in every situation - its not easy but I got through it with that in my mind, but I miss her a lot all the time. Our second daughter is very like her has her sense of humor , positive attitude and her steely determination.

I hope you manage these few weeks as best you can and get help from you brothers, relations , health services and your boyfriend.

I hope your Dad is as comfortable as possible.

Take care of yourself too will be thinking of you.

Powerfairy · 22-06-2016 4:24pm

ella23 wrote: »

Oh Powerfairy. All i want to do is give you a
I am so sorry this is happening to you. Please PM me if you need advice or even to chat.

x

I am overwhelmed by the kindness on this site, I cant tell you how much it means to me. I will be using all this advice and I am going to speak to work next week, in regards to time off. Its year end where I work so for accountancy folk its the worst time of the year, so I will see if I can get some kind of break after year end closes out in July, Thanks so so much for the heartfelt advice. I am literally crying reading the comments, I have felt so alone for so long with this. thank you a million times over

witchgirl26 · 22-06-2016 4:39pm

Powerfairy - first off I am so sorry this is happening to you.

Secondly I can relate to a large part of it - my dad died 8 years ago & I was in the middle of my accounting exams at the time. It was also cancer related & we only knew for a year. It sucks. There are no other ways to describe it.

You might be amazed at how you will cop straight after it and you're juggling all of that at the moment so I think you need to give yourself credit for that.

In regards work - do they know the full situation? Can you sit down and talk to your manager? I was able to take a weeks bereavement & then an extra week sick leave (which led me into study leave for my exams). You'll need time off but try not to shut yourself away from friends either. I know it's a busy period in work but don't put their needs ahead of yours. Also see if your work offers a counselling service (some do) as this might help also.

For the exams - when are your next set? If you want to sit them soon, I'd advise letting whichever body you're with know what is going on. I didn't & ended up in a long appeals process to get it taken account of for my results. They might also have supports in place for you if you do want to defer about not losing any money etc.

The anger thing - honestly I'll let you know how to deal with that when I do. I wasn't angry too much for about 3/4 years. Then it really hit and I was angry at everything and everyone. I still have some problems but working through them & my temper is not great. It's an old trick but taking 10 seconds to breath before reacting helps. Allow yourself to be angry though about the actual situation and your dad's condition - that's natural & if you bottle it in, it won't help. Cry if you want. Scream & shout into the air at the beach or something. It kinda helps to get it out.

Has your dad been under the care of a hospice? Mine was & I was able to avail of bereavement services from them when my anger flared. It was one of the best things I did and was free. I think most offer it to the families and you can go whenever after the loss.

Finally just to say again how sorry I am that this is happening to you. It's crap & horrible & cancer sucks.

If you ever want to PM, feel free. I don't know how much I could help but happy to try if you think I could. Look after yourself x

Gael23 · 22-06-2016 6:13pm

Powerfairy wrote: »

Yep we have palliative care they call twice a week, as they are stretched due to demand, we are in the north east so the north eastern health board is flat out, we have a lovely nurse, who daddy really likes, they just seem to give him pain relief, and that's about it. That's all that can be done at the minute. making him comfortable.
Thanks for advice

Comfort rather than cure from now on.
Without sounding cold, treatment now would only prolong his suffering, I'm sure you have been told that, so now the focus must shift to making the end of his life as comfortable as possible.

molly09 · 22-06-2016 7:16pm

My thoughts are with you and your family. He sounds like an amazing dad and he must be so proud of you doing accountacy.
Could your mother get her medication reviewed at this time. Please mind yourself and if you feel you need help from a GP , make the time to go.

Hugs and thoughts going to you xxxx

Amanda.ie · 22-06-2016 7:25pm

So sorry for you PowerFairy and all you are dealing with. I will offer one piece of advice and I hope you are in a position to do it. Get yourself a Counsellor or a therapist to help you deal with everything. It will be money well spent. You cannot change what is going to happen and you need to have someone who is helping you deal with it.

22-06-2016 7:36pm

Powerfairy wrote: »

... "poor me" it sounded......

You are soon to lose a loving parent, huge issue. It doesn't sound at all poor me, you also have your mum to worry about and your job/exam commitment won't be helping.

Years ago my Mum was suffering from cancer and we were told she had 3 weeks to live. I didn't work from than until after the funeral.

Imo you need to give work a doctor's note or else get compassionate leave, in your own head f**k work at this time, you have other issues to worry about. You will not regret not working at this time but you might well regret continuing to work. You not being at work due to your father's illness is your manager's problem not yours.

The exams are still worth doing though of course and you'll get through it.

I can't offer any guidance regarding your brothers, your boyfriend is important at this time though, do use him for support.

All that aside, so sorry to hear someone losing a parent that isn't alone a parent but a best friend type sort to them, it took me years to get over my Mum passing away and it's only now I'm seeing that, you'll get through it though.

Treat the grief, pain, anger & worry as a sign of your love for your dad, that is what it is.

Wesser · 22-06-2016 7:54pm

Hello there
I loved the bit where you said you loved your dad so much and he is the only one in the family who looks out for you.

I feel the same about my dad. He just.... Gets me!

I think you should lap as much of that good stuff up as you can! Even record his voice!

Best of luck. Xx

Dubl07 · 22-06-2016 8:09pm

I'm so terribly sorry you're losing your dad. I've been in a similar situation and it tears you apart. If you can have a quiet moment with your dad to hold his hand and tell him to let go rather than try and cling on, I'd try to do so. Doctors are obliged to tell you that some forms of pain relief may hasten death. That's their job. Yours, as your dad's advocate, is to insist that he gets sufficient medication to minimise suffering, even if it shortens his life by a few hours or days.

When it comes to your mum, you'll only be able to do your best, imperfect as it may be. Your other siblings should also participate in her care. Do you anticipate you/sibs may want an enduring power of attorney for your mother's affairs if she's generally unable to cope even now? That may be something to try and fit in before grief overwhelms you all. I'd suggest that you decide on two of you as joint holders of the EPA so that things are transparent.

Again, my deepest sympathies. Just try to float on the evolving situation. You can't control it, you need to just attempt to ride it out.

amos13 · 22-06-2016 9:03pm

I feel for you, I've just lost a family member to cancer and it's a chaotic, painful time. I can't give you any advice on how to deal with it, I've a large family and everyone is dealing with it differently in their own way. There's no right or wrong way. My mother also has MH issues and it's hit her exceptionally hard. I'm at a loss as to how to help her through it other than with love and hugs and constant reassurance. But I will say one thing: tell your boss you are taking a career break until things settle in your family. You cannot do everything, you're not superwoman, and your father is much more important than an accountancy job (I'm an accountant myself and there are PLENTY of jobs going in IFSC if your employer is being completely unreasonable). You will not regret giving up your job to spend time with your dying father but you will regret not spending more time with him when he's gone.

I wish you all the best, and hope you look after yourself and perhaps get some counselling to help you through.

JP Liz V1 · 22-06-2016 9:09pm

I'm sorry to hear this, you and your dad seem to have a special bond, stay strong for your whole family if you can, take care and cherish what time ye have left together

My dad has been given weeks to live

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