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22-02-2020, 15:09   #211
Candie
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Originally Posted by I'm married and having an affair, AMA View Post
I think she has a mindset that she won't leave, even if she might want to. At the moment, I feel she still has hope for us. She wants to make us work.
And you clearly don't.

Given that situation, do you not think the humane an decent thing to do is to end the marriage instead of allowing her false hope in an atmosphere of betrayal and indifference to the impact on her life of your actions?

I don't get why you don't see how cruel it is to allow this situation to continue indefinitely. At the very least you are wasting your wifes time by not letting her find love with someone who respects her enough to care about that.
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22-02-2020, 15:12   #212
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I've no criticism, I think you almost enjoy the reinforcing of your low self esteem judging by the thread.

My question is where do you see the affair going long term (I presume it's not really over despite not seeing her for a year).

Just a note about kids being better with two parents than one. They are learning how to show 'love' is by how much you freeze each other out. Going by experience they'll play out this dynamic for years to come in their own adult relationships. It's far more damaging for them to be witness to this messed up relationship than you or your wife moving out. And you'd be surprised at how young kids pick these things up.

That's a fair point re: the kids. We've never tried to hide our relationship from them, in terms of having secret fights or anything like that. At the end of the day, you can't predict how they'll develop. We both try to be loving and open with them, despite our personal issues.


As to your question about my GF, she'll probably move on at some point. A text based relationship isn't much of a substitute for the real thing.
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22-02-2020, 15:20   #213
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I'm not sure you have the perspective or emotional intelligence to accurately assess her emotional state. I'm not quite clear why you dont end the relationship?

Fair enough, I'd disagree obviously. I don't end it because I don't want to.
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22-02-2020, 15:34   #214
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And you clearly don't.

Given that situation, do you not think the humane an decent thing to do is to end the marriage instead of allowing her false hope in an atmosphere of betrayal and indifference to the impact on her life of your actions?

I don't get why you don't see how cruel it is to allow this situation to continue indefinitely. At the very least you are wasting your wifes time by not letting her find love with someone who respects her enough to care about that.

It's more nuanced than that for me. It's not that we couldn't make our relationship work, it's more whether it would be satisfying to both parties. Do you accept a lesser level of happiness, or do you live apart and deal with the sadness that comes from that?



I'm getting ready to leave, perhaps my wife's perspective will change with some time apart for her to reflect. For me, I'd rather be in the marriage and a little sad, be able to be a present as a parent, than the apart.
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22-02-2020, 15:58   #215
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It's more nuanced than that for me. It's not that we couldn't make our relationship work, it's more whether it would be satisfying to both parties. Do you accept a lesser level of happiness, or do you live apart and deal with the sadness that comes from that?



I'm getting ready to leave, perhaps my wife's perspective will change with some time apart for her to reflect. For me, I'd rather be in the marriage and a little sad, be able to be a present as a parent, than the apart.
I think you should consider the possibility that you're actively harming your wife while you consider the nuances and how your level of happiness will be affected.

It certainly feels that you're participating in this thread as a way of talking about your affair and how it affects your life. Would you say you're looking for validation?
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22-02-2020, 16:13   #216
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I think you should consider the possibility that you're actively harming your wife while you consider the nuances and how your level of happiness will be affected.

It certainly feels that you're participating in this thread as a way of talking about your affair and how it affects your life. Would you say you're looking for validation?

It's not just my happiness I'm taking into consideration, it's hers and the kids both. I do worry about my wife and her emotional state. If anything, this has made me aware of how deficient I can be at times in meeting her emotional needs. I'm naturally more self contained, and have to force myself at times to be demonstrative emotionally.



I'm not looking for validation. I mean would you think I've received it here? Hardly like.
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22-02-2020, 17:39   #217
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OP thank you for taking the time to be give an honest and candid account of your relationship and your infidelity. It has been interesting how mature, respectful and articulate you have been in this thread, in contrast to those looking to throw insults at you in search of a reaction.

Take no notice of such people, they are insecure, trying to protect their world view from reality. They desperately need to believe that people who cheat are despicable, it threatens their world view that an otherwise good person can be unfaithful. These people want you to be dehumanised, they don't want to see your humanity. It is ironic they accuse you of being selfish, with low self esteem, exactly the traits which drive them to try and get a reaction out of you to protect their world view.

Last edited by Fury Wilder; 22-02-2020 at 17:44.
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22-02-2020, 17:52   #218
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OP thank you for taking the time to be give an honest and candid account of your relationship and your infidelity. It has been interesting how mature, respectful and articulate you have been in this thread, in contrast to those looking to throw insults at you in search of a reaction.

Take no notice of such people, they are insecure, trying to protect their world view from reality. They desperately need to believe that people who cheat are despicable, it threatens their world view that an otherwise good person can be unfaithful. These people want you to be dehumanised, they don't want to see your humanity. It is ironic they accuse you of being selfish, with low self esteem, exactly the traits which drive them to try and get a reaction out of you to protect their world view.

I can understand why people have a strong reaction to cheating. I know I have a view on the sex and love that's not a common one, or shared by many. At the end of the day, I lied repeatedly to two women I love, and that's always the wrong option. I should've been honest and upfront. Hard to come back from that, and it's very undermining.
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24-02-2020, 09:54   #219
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Thanks so much to OP for taking so much time to anwer everyone's questions here. I think it's time to close it up, thanks also to everyone for their questions.

If anyone fancies doing an AMA of their own, please PM me or email me (niamh@boards.ie). Thanks!
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