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House guests. Is this unreasonable?

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  • 20-05-2019 9:22pm
    #1
    ginandtonicsky
    Closed Accounts Posts: 710 ✭✭✭


    Would love some insights.

    I share a flat with a girl in west London. In a few days two friends from the US will be coming to stay. They'll be here for 6 nights in total, with a trip to Ireland in between where we'll be away from the apartment for three full days.

    I have a good relationship in general with my housemate, though she's a total creature of habit and in the flat about 80% of the time. She works from home, and spends most evenings on the couch in front of the TV. I on the other hand travel a lot for work and don't get home until 8 or 9pm most evenings.

    She approached me this evening and said she's a bit uncomfortable with the fact that they'll be staying with me for so long, particularly as she needs to work from home during the day. She didn't do it in a mean-spirited way, and it was a reasonable discussion, but it's sort of stressed me out in general about her feeling this way. Though I'm equally of the mind that she has it pretty good in the apartment with the amount of privacy and free reign she gets given my job and lifestyle.

    I gave her about three weeks' notice. The flat isn't huge, and tbh I'm sort of stressed out myself about having to host houseguests for so long, but equally I'm not sure what's reasonable and unreasonable here and I don't want to feel uncomfortable inviting people to stay in the future because of this. For background, the only other guests I've had were separately mother and sister more than a year ago.

    What do people think?


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Comments

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    #2
    Caranica
    Registered Users Posts: 10,001 ✭✭✭✭Caranica


    6 nights out of 9 sounds excessive to me, especially as it's more than one person. I know London accommodation is expensive but maybe they could visit somewhere else in the UK for a few nights?


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    #3
    ginandtonicsky
    Closed Accounts Posts: 710 ✭✭✭ginandtonicsky


    Thanks Caranica. It's good to get an outside perspective. I'm trying to put myself in her shoes and can imagine I'd probably feel a bit put out.

    I've planned the Ireland trip for this same reason, and to be honest unless they're wanting to travel elsewhere themselves during that time, I can't see us all heading off anywhere else. On my side, funding won't allow for it as I'm just back from an expensive trip to NY myself.


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    #4
    CPTM
    Registered Users Posts: 1,296 ✭✭✭CPTM


    I think 6 nights is pushing it if you're living with someone else who is a creature of habit and who works from home. But you did the right thing by asking her if it would be ok when there was enough time for you to look for alternatives. It's pretty late in the day now for her to suddenly realise it's happening. Tell her you've told the visitors your housemate works from home and needs space to do so. Tell her that your mates will be out all day exploring and won't be in the house, and they'll be coming home late just to sleep. This might not happen in reality of course, but I reckon it won't be as bad as she thinks it will be, and the days will fly by really so long as they're polite and quiet and tidy. These things are always worse in our heads than they really are when the time comes.

    Edit: Maybe afterwards buy her something simple as a thank you gesture to smooth any bad vibes over.


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    #5
    Abba987
    Registered Users Posts: 312 ✭✭Abba987


    I do find it unreasonable tbh. If I was her I would very uncomfortable.


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    #6
    donkeykong5
    Registered Users Posts: 7,259 ✭✭✭donkeykong5


    I think it's fine. Shes there all day long while you are out. She has the run of the house. 6 sleepovers isnt going to kill her. I agree about buying her a gift from them when they leave.


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    #7
    sammyjo90
    Registered Users Posts: 13,135 ✭✭✭✭sammyjo90


    Did you tell her three weeks before, or ask her if it was ok that they stay that long?
    Will they be in a spare room?
    I have always asked my housemates beforehand...especially if they were going to be sleeping in the living room.


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    #8
    ginandtonicsky
    Closed Accounts Posts: 710 ✭✭✭ginandtonicsky


    They'll be sleeping in my room and I'll be in the living room. And I pretty much told her three weeks out, as by that point my friends had already made their plans. I get that this was perhaps my first error and I should've asked her instead of told her.

    She does get precious about the house, as in I think she's had a fairly good run of it in the freedom stakes and is quite territorial about the place. I'm here about 30 - 40% of the time and tend to leave her to her own devices in the sitting room even when I'm here. She likes her routine and I think is reacting more to the idea that it will be disrupted more than anything.

    My guests have never been to the UK before so I'll be trying my best to make sure we're out and about exploring most of the day, and breaking it up with the Ireland visit.

    I like the gift idea and think she'd appreciate that.


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    #9
    ANXIOUS
    Registered Users Posts: 3,095 ✭✭✭ANXIOUS


    I'd be happy enough with it, I don't think it's too unreasonable. The working from home bit is throwing me though on how it should be managed.


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    #10
    Victor
    Registered Users Posts: 78,245 ✭✭✭✭Victor


    Are you both renting or does one own the property?
    ginandtonicsky wrote: »
    She does get precious about the house, as in I think she's had a fairly good run of it in the freedom stakes and is quite territorial about the place.
    It's her home.

    I stayed with a college friend in New York for 6-7 days, where she lived alone. I brought a bottle of whiskey and took her out for food 4-5 times in the week and left another bottle when I left. Pulled my weight with cooking and cleaning, although I was told once that "that fake pasta sauce is going nowhere near my cooker". Admittedly, if we did an activity, we shared the expense.

    You and/or your visitors should be taking her to dinner at least twice.


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    #11
    jmreire
    Registered Users Posts: 8,268 ✭✭✭jmreire


    You would never know...they might become great friends..stranger things have happened !!! Be optimistic.:D:D:D:D


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    #12
    EmptyTree
    Registered Users Posts: 748 ✭✭✭EmptyTree


    if you're stressed about it OP (and you know the people staying) then you can be sure it's 10 times that for her.

    2 people for 6 nights does seem like a lot, especially if the flat isn't huge. If you've a good living relationship with your housemate I wouldn't jeopardise it for the sake of 6 nights.


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    #13
    Caranica
    Registered Users Posts: 10,001 ✭✭✭✭Caranica


    Do you have a separate living and sitting room? You said she spends a lot of time in the sitting room and you'll be sleeping in the living room. If they're not separate that would be an even bigger issue.


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    #14
    Mrs OBumble
    Registered Users Posts: 25,670 ✭✭✭✭Mrs OBumble


    House guests for up to a week (ie 7 nights) is reasonable. Anything more than 7 nights is taking the p*** though.

    And it would be reasonable for her to ask that they be out of the house for "office hours" (eg 9-5 or whatever she works) each day.


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    #15
    the_syco
    Registered Users Posts: 37,295 ✭✭✭✭the_syco


    ginandtonicsky wrote: »
    They'll be here for 6 nights in total
    ...
    I gave her about three weeks' notice.
    Three weeks notice is a bit BS, as I'd say those flights were booked a long time ago.

    Her being WFH is irrelevant if you both pay the same amount of rent.

    If she owns the place, though, she could turn around and tell you to GTFO.


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    #16
    donkeykong5
    Registered Users Posts: 7,259 ✭✭✭donkeykong5


    Do you both pay rent to a landlord ?


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    #17
    Abba987
    Registered Users Posts: 312 ✭✭Abba987


    Who owns the house ?

    I still think it's a big disruption especially if it's not a big space


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    #18
    Lau2976
    Registered Users Posts: 1,030 ✭✭✭Lau2976


    I'd be pretty annoyed at 6 days too OP, especially since you say that you told her and didn't ask and only said it 3 weeks out. Regardless of you thinking she has it pretty good you both signed up to share with one person.


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    #19
    brookers
    Registered Users Posts: 369 ✭✭brookers


    Having lived in London and shared with people. I know I would find this situation hard going. Not being mean but I used to find the guests from say America or Australia would be over friendly. All you would want to do would be to watch tv make your dinner, not be answering to How was your day and having to be nice and say oh where do you come from in America, small talk etc. Funnily enough I also used to find, that they would hang around. Why cant they just get accommodation, if you cant afford a holiday dont travel..6 days a lot in a small place when you dont know them.


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    #20
    Spanish Eyes
    Registered Users Posts: 15,865 ✭✭✭✭Spanish Eyes


    Whose guests are these people, yours or your housemate’s. Who decided this was ok. Did you discuss it?

    No way would I give up my bed for anyone. Sorry.


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    #21
    ginandtonicsky
    Closed Accounts Posts: 710 ✭✭✭ginandtonicsky


    Victor wrote: »
    Are you both renting or does one own the property?

    We both are renting the place.
    Caranica wrote: »
    Do you have a separate living and sitting room? You said she spends a lot of time in the sitting room and you'll be sleeping in the living room. If they're not separate that would be an even bigger issue.

    No it's just one sitting room. I've told her I'll keep her privy to my plans day by day so she's aware of our movements. She's always been similarly reasonable and this is the longest length of time that any house guest has stayed, so in a sense I can see where she's coming from.

    On the other hand, I've been gone two out of the last four weeks and will be away the week after they leave too, so part of me is like, 6 days isn't going to kill anyone here. I'd love to live with a flatmate that's as absent from the flat as I am!!


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    #22
    Gimme A Pound
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,482 ✭✭✭Gimme A Pound


    I think it's fair enough to have guests staying, even for six days/nights. You're paying rent too, and people need to have guests now and again. Not frequently, mind - but you don't have guests frequently, and you are away from the flat a huge amount.

    If it was a boyfriend or girlfriend, there would be an acceptance of them staying over a number of nights a week, every week. Six nights is no big deal in the wider scheme of things. And I will admit that I would be looking forward to it ending if I were the flatmate, but I'd accept it as just one of those things when renting.


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    #23
    Gimme A Pound
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,482 ✭✭✭Gimme A Pound


    Spanish Eyes wrote: »
    Whose guests are these people, yours or your housemate’s. Who decided this was ok. Did you discuss it?

    No way would I give up my bed for anyone. Sorry.
    All of those questions are answered in the OP. And the flatmate won't be giving up her bed at all.


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    #24
    Victor
    Registered Users Posts: 78,245 ✭✭✭✭Victor


    ginandtonicsky wrote: »
    I'd love to live with a flatmate that's as absent from the flat as I am!!
    Not everyone wants a flatmate like that. When you are away, what happens to chores?


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    #25
    ginandtonicsky
    Closed Accounts Posts: 710 ✭✭✭ginandtonicsky


    Lau2976 wrote: »
    I'd be pretty annoyed at 6 days too OP, especially since you say that you told her and didn't ask and only said it 3 weeks out. Regardless of you thinking she has it pretty good you both signed up to share with one person.

    I literally only knew 3 weeks out, but yes, agreed that the approach could've been different. Especially given the mutual respect between us generally on these matters. My travel schedule has been chaos the last while and I've not been as organised or communicative as usual in general.

    Yes, we did sign up to share with one person, but there are certain things that are just the reality of flat shares IME, so while I would totally be looking forward to the upcoming situation being over too if I was her, I feel a bit like, the reaction is as a result of her having a pretty sweet deal in the flat in the first place. She's got the place to herself much of the time.

    At the same time we live together pretty harmoniously and drama-free most of the time and I want to salvage that as much as possible.


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    #26
    ginandtonicsky
    Closed Accounts Posts: 710 ✭✭✭ginandtonicsky


    Victor wrote: »
    Not everyone wants a flatmate like that. When you are away, what happens to chores?

    Maybe true. She does though, she loves having the place to herself. We have a cleaner once a week so chores are typically a moot point.


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    #27
    Gimme A Pound
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,482 ✭✭✭Gimme A Pound


    Victor wrote: »
    Not everyone wants a flatmate like that. When you are away, what happens to chores?
    It's not like a flat requires chores that need to be completed by two people at all times. Once the OP does her own washing up and cleans the shower, toilet and sweeps/mops the communal floors and dusts a fair amount of time while she's there, what of it.

    It's totally fair that the person who is there the most would do the most cleaning too, as they are the one who is making use of the property the most.

    I shared a flat once with a girl who was away a lot and I loved it.


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    #28
    worded
    Registered Users Posts: 4,534 ✭✭✭worded


    You are rarely there so having friends stay a few days once a year is ok IMHO


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    #29
    the_syco
    Registered Users Posts: 37,295 ✭✭✭✭the_syco


    Perhaps find out what times she "works from home" on the weekdays, and try not to be there during that time? IMO that's probably the thing that she's most concerned about, especially if she is on the phone a lot.


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    #30
    Lumen
    Registered Users Posts: 31,008 ✭✭✭✭Lumen


    Are your guests male or female?


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    #31
    blinding
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 7,466 ✭✭✭blinding


    Can she be bribed ?


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