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Married and friends with benefits

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2

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    #32
    eviltwin
    Registered Users Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    If this arrangement is so great and everything why are you posting on Personal Issues?


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    #33
    mickuhaha
    Registered Users Posts: 475 ✭✭mickuhaha


    "1 -Thing is we're wondering has anyone else been in similar situation?
    2- Can we really keep this casual random sexual and revert back to the way things were,
    3- or are we only fooling ourselves."

    1- Yes
    2- no
    3- yes

    Just as you arrived in this situation you will without a doubt leave it as well. What will the way it ends? One happy one sad. Both sad. One or more devices.

    A quick question , say you go home tomorrow after work and find out your other half felt as you do and has been having casual sex with a friend from around the corner. He just popped around one day to say hi and became friends and it leads on from there. What do you do tell her that it's fine and that you understand and she can keep doing it or tell her to stop. Will she be the same person to you. Get over yourself . You are being selfish in my opinion. I think You should go tell her right now what happened and let her make a decision as to if she still wants from this point forward.


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    #34
    Idle Passerby
    Registered Users Posts: 1,120 ✭✭✭Idle Passerby


    If there's nothing wrong with the situation why not tell your spouses? I'm sure they'll be relieved your enjoying yourselves and they can give in to celibate co-parenting with their platonic pal they are presumably so content with. Everyone wins!

    If you want an open relationship, the decent thing is to let your wife know that's what she's in. I doubt you need strangers to tell you that bringing an extra partner into your marriage without her knowledge is a betrayal to her and your kids.


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    #35
    Arrival
    Closed Accounts Posts: 779 ✭✭✭Arrival


    judeboy101 wrote: »
    You lucky dog. Life's too short and there is no hell, so enjoy yourselves.

    Can't believe this post got 6 thanks, some scumbags on here. There is no hell so carry on doing something morally wrong? What kind of mindset is that


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    #36
    DEAF LEOPARD
    Registered Users Posts: 13 ✭DEAF LEOPARD


    I did similar.
    The difference was they were happy in their marriage, except the sex wasn't as frequent as they'd have liked. I wasn't happy in my marriage, for many reasons.

    We were best friends.
    We became lovers.
    2 years .
    Not all about the sex.
    We still met for coffee and lunch, as we'd always done.
    I knew I was falling for them but said nothing. They were too. The friendship and intimacy was enough for me.
    We both travelled a lot with work and it was so easy to accommodate each other.

    They were careless, once, but once was enough. Their spouse found emails and the rest is history.
    Their marriage almost ended, our affair ended abruptly.

    Somehow our friendship lasted.
    That was the hardest thing, we didn't see each other for almost a year after it ended. My heart actually ached with the pain.
    This was years ago and it took me ages to move on, but I did.

    Life isn't always straightforward.
    No doubt some posters will say, good enough for you.
    My marriage was toxic.
    A controlling person who diminished my confidence, but I did leave and am since divorced.

    I have to laugh when posters ask why aren't you having sex with your spouses?
    So many men, mostly men, are unhappily married, but will stay put because they can't bear the thought of leaving their children.
    I have friends who are similar to how I was, they barely have a civil relationship with their wives. Haven't had sex in years.
    But will stay put.
    Another is happily married but has no sex life because his wife no longer wants one. He has said if by chance she made a pass at him now, he'd turn away because he was so used to getting the cold shoulder fpr years, he wouldn't know what to do any more.

    OP.
    If you are found out, you risk losing your best friend, your marriage, your children, only you can decide what order of preference each should take.
    Be careful.


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    #37
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    DEAF LEOPARD wrote: »
    I did similar.
    The difference was they were happy in their marriage, except the sex wasn't as frequent as they'd have liked. I wasn't happy in my marriage, for many reasons.

    We were best friends.
    We became lovers.
    2 years .
    Not all about the sex.
    We still met for coffee and lunch, as we'd always done.
    I knew I was falling for them but said nothing. They were too. The friendship and intimacy was enough for me.
    We both travelled a lot with work and it was so easy to accommodate each other.

    They were careless, once, but once was enough. Their spouse found emails and the rest is history.
    Their marriage almost ended, our affair ended abruptly.

    Somehow our friendship lasted.
    That was the hardest thing, we didn't see each other for almost a year after it ended. My heart actually ached with the pain.
    This was years ago and it took me ages to move on, but I did.

    Life isn't always straightforward.
    No doubt some posters will say, good enough for you.
    My marriage was toxic.
    A controlling person who diminished my confidence, but I did leave and am since divorced.

    I have to laugh when posters ask why aren't you having sex with your spouses?
    So many men, mostly men, are unhappily married, but will stay put because they can't bear the thought of leaving their children.
    I have friends who are similar to how I was, they barely have a civil relationship with their wives. Haven't had sex in years.
    But will stay put.
    Another is happily married but has no sex life because his wife no longer wants one. He has said if by chance she made a pass at him now, he'd turn away because he was so used to getting the cold shoulder fpr years, he wouldn't know what to do any more.

    OP.
    If you are found out, you risk losing your best friend, your marriage, your children, only you can decide what order of preference each should take.
    Be careful.


    Thanks for empathetic reply, makes a change from the black and white morally correct replies. Your situation sounds so similar to ours, it’s not all just about the sex, again the friendship and intimacy is enough. I know we’re playing with fire, we both know it, but as you say life isn’t always straightforward and by the book.


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    #38
    woodchuck
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 15,409 Mod ✭✭✭✭woodchuck


    Arrival wrote: »
    Can't believe this post got 6 thanks, some scumbags on here. There is no hell so carry on doing something morally wrong? What kind of mindset is that

    Mod warning:

    Arrival, if you have a problem with a post, report it. Off-topic posting is not permitted in PI. Please refamiliarise yourself with the forum charter.


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    #39
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    ElizaBennett wrote: »
    Look OP, the problem with advice on here is that people will only be kind if you illicit their sympathy. You clearly can never do that because of what you're up to. It doesn't matter to people here that you want advice or might be hurting . You're the bad guy. You'll notice that advice is never based on the real life situation but instead on the branded 'right thing to do' which is always black and white. In essence almost everyone has taken your situation personally as an affront to their own moral code so you won't get real advice, only admonishment.
    And no it is not a certainty that you will be found out. That is wishful thinking for those judging you. People cheat a the time and don't get caught. At the end of the day you have to live with yourself. That's how you decide where your red line is. Are you eaten up by guilt? Is it worth it? Weigh that up.

    Thank you for the open minded reply


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    #40
    Sorry about that
    Closed Accounts Posts: 632 ✭✭✭Sorry about that


    You're a gas character op! Delighted with yourself in the first post, then pussin' a bit when strangers spell it out for you, and the sincere thank yous for the replies you're hoping to get!!!

    Marriage is hard for everyone, yes, everyone. And you've broken yours. Hopefully you don't have children to mess up, as well as a spouse.


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    #41
    Markcheese
    Registered Users Posts: 8,428 ✭✭✭Markcheese


    A lot of very judgey posts,
    But, Ye have put yourselves in a very risky situation,
    For yourselves and your families,
    , as someone above said ye can be as discrete as ye like but someone will slip up...
    Plus ye care about each other and meet up a fair bit, it'll either escalate or one side will feel they want more as an answer to their own home issues (everyone has home issues at some stage), Anyway your relationship (relationships) are unlikely to stay as they are, and are you prepared for that...
    anyhow, best of luck...

    Slava ukraini 🇺🇦



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    #42
    skallywag
    Registered Users Posts: 2,986 ✭✭✭skallywag


    I think that the OP is getting a bit of a hard time here.

    Despite any amount of preaching down from an Ivory Tower, one can end up finding themselves in such a situation if they are not happy with their lives. I posted earlier that I would see the root cause here as happiness with one's lot at home, and I stand by that.

    I was also once in a relationship where I strayed, and if I had been asked at the time I would have given an identical type of response to that of the OP, i.e. I would have said that things were happy at home. I actually genuinely believed that. It's only now, with the benefit of hindsight, that I can really see that I wasn't happy at all. It ended badly for me and I lost everything. That tends to be the way that these things work out in my experience.

    I'm not sure what advice to offer OP, apart from taking a look about what you may possibly still be able to do at home in order to fix this. I get the feeling from your posts that you have most likely crossed the Rubicon already though, and I think you know this.


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    #43
    SusieBlue
    Registered Users Posts: 8,029 ✭✭✭SusieBlue


    hiya John wrote: »
    Thanks for empathetic reply, makes a change from the black and white morally correct replies. Your situation sounds so similar to ours, it’s not all just about the sex, again the friendship and intimacy is enough. I know we’re playing with fire, we both know it, but as you say life isn’t always straightforward and by the book.

    If the friendship, intimacy and sex you are having with this woman is worth destroying your family for, then you need to end your marriage.
    I don't doubt your feelings for this woman are legit, but its highly selfish to have your cake and eat it.

    I agree life isn't straightforward or by the book and unfortunately, these things happen.
    Its just life.
    But by continuing the affair you are making things less straightforward and complicating things even further.
    You need to be honest with your wife, who appears to be nothing more than a fleeting thought in your whole situation. This is her marriage too.
    She deserves to know the truth.


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    #44
    pq0n1ct4ve8zf5
    Closed Accounts Posts: 10,070 ✭✭✭✭pq0n1ct4ve8zf5


    Life is complicated, people are complex, life isn't black and white and it's very easy to judge from the outside.

    However, you are deliberately and voluntarily engaging in behaviour which if found out will rip through what you describe as two happy marriages. And it's very likely to be found out. You're asking if it's likely that romantic feelings will develop when close friends engage in clandestine sex. Yeah they almost certainly will.

    You know what you're doing is wrong, you're not looking for judgement, the input you seem to want is how likely this is to blow up in your face. Very, is the answer.

    Lack of sexual intimacy can destroy a person, I know. Have you taken steps to address this with your wife, is she aware it's an issue? Relationships are complicated, no judgey judies etc but hopefully fcuking your friend was pretty far down the list of things you tried in your quest to resolve the problem?


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    #45
    ginandtonicsky
    Closed Accounts Posts: 710 ✭✭✭ginandtonicsky


    Acknowledging that life is not black and white is not a Carte Blanche to do whatever the hell you want with reckless abandon for the consequences for your wife and wider families.

    Yes, life is many shades of gray, marriages are many shades of falling in and out of like and love with your partner, a sex life that ebbs and flows and is sometimes non-existent, life stresses and daily busy schedules that will put your relationship on the back burner very often.

    You have enough insight into the trouble you’re in to have posted an anonymous thread here looking for answers. You’ve not liked most of what you’ve read. Partly because it doesn’t take account of your reality, which is a complicated marriage that’s not fulfilling you, whether you’re prepared to admit that or not, and a kindred spirit who’s in the exact same place as you and is fulfilling the intimacy/sex side of things for you both.

    You also don’t like it because you don’t think of yourself as this bad man, this villain that cheats on your wife and doesn’t care about anyone but himself that you’ve been painted to be. Maybe that’s not who you are. But this is how you’re behaving, regardless of how “grey” life is - we all know that affairs aren’t uncommon, life happens in unexpected ways, but you are now by definition a philanderer. A man who is disrespecting his wife and his wedding vows and taking the weak option when it comes to resolving his marriage.

    I don’t think this is who you want to be. What other people are up to and the fact of life being complicated does not justify your dishonest and unkind behaviour. You have to live the lie at the end of the day.


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    #46
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators Posts: 13,764 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    What's stopping you and your friend from leaving your respective spouses and being together properly? You seem to have a connection. You are good friends you clearly enjoy each other's company. The sex is good. Why not make a proper go of it?

    All it takes is one slip. One neighbour/friend/colleague to suspect something for this to fall apart with devastating consequences. Would you honestly leave your wife for her? Would she leave her husband for you? Marriages breakdown all the time.

    If you wouldn't choose to leave your spouses for each other then you really need to consider what will happen if you get found out. Yes, I'm sure people get away with affairs all the time, but affairs also get found out, and it's never pretty when that happens. Only you can decide if it's worth the risk. But I suppose once you've crossed that line it's difficult to go back.


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    #47
    paw patrol
    Registered Users Posts: 2,314 ✭✭✭paw patrol


    if you are happy doing this occasionally, then go for it. It's your life and you only get one shot at it. Live it by your rules and not by the opinions of others.


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    #48
    uck51js9zml2yt
    Closed Accounts Posts: 18,268 ✭✭✭✭uck51js9zml2yt


    You made a promise to your wife when you married her.
    If you're unwilling to keep that promise then at least be honest with her and end your marriage.
    Please don't kid yourself that you love her. You don't. You wouldn't be doing what you are if you did.


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    #49
    shesty
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,893 Mod ✭✭✭✭shesty


    Your question is can you keep this going or are you fooling yourselves OP.


    The longer it goes on, the more likely you will be found out for starters. And secondly, no, the status quo will change. One or both of you will develop deeper feelings, will want more.



    So what do you want to do? Because if you keep going you're going to have to make the decision eventually - commit to this relationship and leave your marriage, or vice versa. Only it is shades of grey because it's not just your decision any more. Or hers. It's your relationship with your wife, her relationship with her husband, both relationships with your kids (if any), your workings lives and how you finance your living situations (buy out of mortgages or whatever) and so on and so on.



    So the short answer is it's only a matter of time before the fallout starts to happen from this.


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    #50
    Ursus Horribilis
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,168 ✭✭✭Ursus Horribilis


    It doesn't really matter whether anyone else has been in this situation or not. One person's experience isn't going to be the same as anyone else's. Why did you start this thread? What are you looking for from it?


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    #51
    misshaversham
    Registered Users Posts: 51 ✭✭misshaversham


    Going straight to commenting without reading what anyone else says. I'm a married woman who has been there done that and won't even say never again. Explore your feelings. It sounds like you are having a great time. Are you falling in love? There is a tipping point. The people who leave their marriage are the ones who think the new life is more exciting/ better. Or is your home life likely better.

    Otherwise, if you are just lovers... for me the rule is three times. Then I say, ok, nice but onwards. Let it settle into something else. You could possibly still keep your friendship if you see it this way.

    Now I'll go see what everyone else has said.


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    #52
    RhubarbCrumble
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,174 ✭✭✭RhubarbCrumble


    shesty wrote: »


    And secondly, no, the status quo will change. One or both of you will develop deeper feelings, will want more.



    This. Every time, and from what I've seen it's usually the woman who 'falls in love' and wants more from the man than a convenient (for him) shag.
    So what are you going to do if you 'friend' tells you this? That she's in love with you and wants a proper relationship, that she's going to leave her husband? Are you going to leave your wife for her?
    If not, what happens if she then decided that you've screwed her around and she'll get her revenge by telling your wife? I've seen it happen OP. You're already in deeper than you could ever imagine. You just haven't realised it yet.


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    #53
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    Big Bag of Chips wrote: »
    What's wrong with your own spouses that you don't have sex with them instead?

    There doesn't have to be anything "wrong" with either spouse. Most people have a trait called hedonic adaptation, we get used to every situation and crave novelty. This is true for all areas of life. You can love your partner, want to raise a family with them, spend your life with them, and still crave someone else. It's a pity, but it's human nature.

    OP, no judgment here, enjoy it if works for you but be realistic about what will happen if word gets out.


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    #54
    LirW
    Registered Users Posts: 4,825 ✭✭✭LirW


    How would the OP feel if he finds out that his wife has a FWB arrangement because she isn't satisfied with the sex at home?


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    #55
    dartboardio
    Registered Users Posts: 2,436 ✭✭✭dartboardio


    As you say its just FWB. Try asking your wife?

    I cheated on my partner a couple of years ago and its the worst thing I have ever done. The guilt still kills me years later (yes i know i wouldnt have to deal with that had i not done it)

    Think about whats missing in your marriage.. Try to talk with your wife about how you are feeling and try fix that together instead of distracting yourself with another woman. Itll only end badly i assure you. You are just a distraction to the OW as she is you.

    Needless to say me and my partner worked through it and came out the other side and are glad we did. But i live with the guilt and low self esteem for my selfish actions those years ago.

    I cant imagine the guilt you will feel seen as you are married and could have children.

    So not worth it. Try talking to your wife and explaining theres something missing and how to fix that rather than ignoring the problem and making it worse in the long term by betraying her.

    Its easy to say ah were human sure we need other human interaction from time to time but the reality is for the everyday relationship and modern human none of us think or act like that and for the most marriages or relationships it would cause serious devastation for either party. We arent as open minded as we like to think and theres no point saying im human its fine to sexually interact with others if the initial agreement was not an open relationship at the start.

    Good luck op

    But at least take responsibility for what you've done. Nothing happened. You made the decision for it to happen. Just own up to the fact you made that selfish decision to take something further. Just like i did. Nothing 'just happened'


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    #56
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    dartboardio wrote: »

    But i live with the guilt and low self esteem for my selfish actions those years ago.

    Then you need to be kinder to yourself, imo. To live any sort of life is to make mistakes, big ones, small ones, you need to be kind to yourself. You do not need to define yourself by what happened years ago, let the guilt go and work on your self esteem. Guilt (and its close friend shame) and low self esteem are terrible things to live through and with, be kind and forgive yourself.


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    #57
    heretothere
    Registered Users Posts: 616 ✭✭✭heretothere


    No life isn't black and white, I think the easiest way to figure out if you are 'OK' with this is to have a good long think about how you would genuinely feel if you found out your wife was having an affair? Be truly honest with yourself. If you think you'd be ok with it take to her about an open relationship, but I've a feeling that probably wouldn't go down too well.


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    #58
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    Infinitely more ballsy to break up with your wife. There's honour there. A real man with confidence in his own worth would have that honour.

    Between sadness at this treatment of somebody who's supposed to be the most treasured person in your life, and despair at the total myopia of treating such a central person in your life with such a singular absence of integrity in this very, very short life, I don't know which is worse.

    It's certainly cowardly and gutless and obtuse. Most of all, given how short life is (and our healthy days fewer still), the lack of honour to somebody who is supposed to be cherished and protected from hurt is what really hits me here. There's no feeling for that person here. None. How can anybody with any sort of adult living not get the magnitude of the wrongheadedness of this treatment?


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    #59
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    Deleted User wrote: »
    A real man with confidence in his own worth would have that honour.

    Nonsense. This real man guff is complete fallacy. It's offensive and anyhow, who are you to define it? We need to move away from restrictive stereotypes and embrace humanity as it is, not as fairytales make you think it is.


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    #60
    SusieBlue
    Registered Users Posts: 8,029 ✭✭✭SusieBlue


    [Deleted User] wrote: »
    Nonsense. This real man guff is complete fallacy. It's offensive and anyhow, who are you to define it? We need to move away from restrictive stereotypes and embrace humanity as it is, not as fairytales make you think it is.

    What kind of man intentionally pursues a sexual relationship with another woman while married?
    There is absolutely nothing to embrace about that, unless broken families are your thing.
    Not to be encouraged at all.

    If this was an open relationship with both parties consenting to seeing other people it would be entirely different and no one would be batting an eyelid, but what we have here is one partner being dishonest and breaking their vows and the other partner completely in the dark.

    Advocating being faithful to your wife is not a ‘restrictive stereotype’.


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    #61
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    Deleted User wrote: »
    Nonsense. This real man guff is complete fallacy. It's offensive and anyhow, who are you to define it? We need to move away from restrictive stereotypes and embrace humanity as it is, not as fairytales make you think it is.

    Yeah, apologies; let's revert to the great old days where a "real man" was supposedly the one who cheats and whores around and cheer on the op for being such a "real man".


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