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Men and their Mothers

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  • 25-09-2020 9:59pm
    #1
    JupiterKid
    Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 12,571 Mod ✭✭✭✭


    It is widely believed that men and their mothers have a very special bond, and the "Irish mammy" image pervades Irish culture very strongly.

    Most men, it seems hold, their mothers in a very special place, looking after them as they get older and making sure to visit them and get them nice gifts and presents.

    My partner is very fond of his mother, who is in her advanced years and getting more frail.and housebound. He makes sure to call her twice a week and visit her (Covid restrictions permitting) on a weekly basis, to make sure she is alright and has everything she needs.

    My own mother died very young when I was a teenager but I have so many happy memories of how good a mother she was to me. She was rather hard on my middle sister, though - probably because they both had very strong personalities that often clashed.

    Do you - or did you - have a good relationship with your mother? Was she ever over-demanding or interfering, or disapproving of your choice of partner? Is she proud of you? Did she mollycoddle you in your youth? Does she still "mammy" you?


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    #2
    Cutie 3.14
    Registered Users Posts: 610 ✭✭✭Cutie 3.14


    Most lads have a good relationship with their mothers, allowing her do absolutely everything for them, to the point that they get lazy and learn feck all on how to manage themselves.
    So good in fact, that they then grow up and expect their girlfriends and wives to become a mother to them too!


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    #3
    Kaybaykwah
    Registered Users Posts: 3,085 ✭✭✭Kaybaykwah


    Cutie 3.14 wrote: »
    Most lads have a good relationship with their mothers, allowing her do absolutely everything for them, to the point that they get lazy and learn feck all on how to manage themselves.
    So good in fact, that they then grow up and expect their girlfriends and wives to become a mother to them too!



    The best is when you find a girl who looks, sounds and cares for you exactly like a mom. Then, and only then does life take on an extra savoury something.


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    #4
    guitarhappy
    Registered Users Posts: 229 ✭✭guitarhappy


    Kaybaykwah wrote: »
    The best is when you find a girl who looks, sounds and cares for you exactly like a mom. Then, and only then does life take on an extra savoury something.

    Freud is spinning in his grave at this confession.


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    #5
    Kaybaykwah
    Registered Users Posts: 3,085 ✭✭✭Kaybaykwah


    guitarhappy wrote: »
    Freud is spinning in his grave at this confession.

    Eggsactly. Let's hope he snuffed out his big cigar before he closed the lid on himself.


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    #6
    Ekerot
    Registered Users Posts: 534 ✭✭✭Ekerot


    I don't, growing up I had a much better relationship with my father then her. Then when I got into my teens our relationship went sour and I began to see some of her flaws more clearly - gossipy, controlling with her children, strong religious views, using violence against our Dad etc

    For example, she broke two snooker cues over my Dad's head during an argument about him going on a holiday to Spain during the Easter break with my step mother (they were separated at this time) but it was A Ok for her to go on a holiday to America in the summer a few months later.

    Don't have any connection to this Irish mammy lark myself - it's a complete blank to me. If anything I've found I've tried to have relationships with girls that were the complete opposite of her.


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    #7
    El Gato De Negocios
    Registered Users Posts: 6,639 ✭✭✭El Gato De Negocios


    Cutie 3.14 wrote: »
    Most lads have a good relationship with their mothers, allowing her do absolutely everything for them, to the point that they get lazy and learn feck all on how to manage themselves.
    So good in fact, that they then grow up and expect their girlfriends and wives to become a mother to them too!

    :rolleyes:


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    #8
    Cutie 3.14
    Registered Users Posts: 610 ✭✭✭Cutie 3.14


    El Gato De Negocios wrote: »
    :rolleyes:

    https://touch.boards.ie/thread/2058059558/1


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    #9
    El Gato De Negocios
    Registered Users Posts: 6,639 ✭✭✭El Gato De Negocios


    Cutie 3.14 wrote: »
    https://touch.boards.ie/thread/2058059558/1

    So a handful of women on boards make poor relationship decisions and end up with a man child that equates to most men being the same?. GTFO tbh.

    Its a lazy, stupid generalisation and would be the same as me saying that most women are needy and clingy based on one or two relationships Ive had.


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    #10
    eviltwin
    Registered Users Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    Cutie 3.14 wrote: »
    https://touch.boards.ie/thread/2058059558/1

    I'm not sure how a handful replies on a thread on boards can be representative of most relationships :rolleyes:

    My husband has a great relationship with his mother, she's a fantastic person but he's never relied on her for practical help. He's well able to look after himself because he was raised to be that way. You do your kids a disservice if you send them into the world unable to manage basic tasks like cooking, washing etc.

    My own mother isn't very maternal to the point she doesn't have any relationship with her children and I think my brothers feel that loss more than my sister and I do. They are a lot more forgiving of her behaviour and both hold out hope that she will change whereas myself and my sister are both realists and pragmatic about it all.


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    #11
    Pherekydes
    Registered Users Posts: 16,109 ✭✭✭✭Pherekydes


    My mother was very introverted and suffered from PND, to the extent she was hospitalized. I'm far more like her than my father and I think my personality (introverted and shy) has suffered as a result.

    Pandemic + these introspective threads = a perfect storm


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    #12
    ILoveYourVibes
    Registered Users Posts: 15,176 ✭✭✭✭ILoveYourVibes


    Its interesting ....different cultural norms.

    French men usually hate their mothers.


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    #13
    eviltwin
    Registered Users Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    ILoveYourVibes wrote: »
    Its interesting ....different cultural norms.

    French men usually hate their mothers.

    Where do you get this stuff from ?


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    #14
    Stepping Stone
    Registered Users Posts: 370 ✭✭Stepping Stone


    JupiterKid wrote: »
    Most men, it seems hold, their mothers in a very special place, looking after them as they get older and making sure to visit them and get them nice gifts

    Where do I find these men that do nice things for their mother? Seriously, my male family members never think to buy so much as a card for anyone, let alone gifts. I buy the cards, hand them over, hassle them to write and post them (where appropriate). I also buy all the presents.

    This isn’t just my family. My OH would probably die before he’d do anything like that for his family and he’s not alone. His brothers are equally useless and rely on their sister or wives. I can say the same for the men I work with. I am now in the habit of announcing that Mother’s Day is coming up so that my boss can organise a card for his wife. His sister does all of the stuff for his family.

    I’m not suggesting that they have bad relationships but there’s definitely a huge difference in the way that the mother-daughter and mother-son relationships work on a practical level.


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    #15
    Cutie 3.14
    Registered Users Posts: 610 ✭✭✭Cutie 3.14


    El Gato De Negocios wrote: »
    So a handful of women on boards make poor relationship decisions and end up with a man child that equates to most men being the same?. GTFO tbh.

    Its a lazy, stupid generalisation and would be the same as me saying that most women are needy and clingy based on one or two relationships Ive had.

    https://www.instagram.com/s/aGlnaGxpZ2h0OjE3ODY3MDY1MjA4MDQ2NzA1?igshid=1px46fiflszms&story_media_id=2403196546927030777_13522733910


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    #16
    Cutie 3.14
    Registered Users Posts: 610 ✭✭✭Cutie 3.14


    Stepping Stone wrote: »
    Where do I find these men that do nice things for their mother? Seriously, my male family members never think to buy so much as a card for anyone, let alone gifts. I buy the cards, hand them over, hassle them to write and post them (where appropriate). I also buy all the presents.

    This isn’t just my family. My OH would probably die before he’d do anything like that for his family and he’s not alone. His brothers are equally useless and rely on their sister or wives. I can say the same for the men I work with. I am now in the habit of announcing that Mother’s Day is coming up so that my boss can organise a card for his wife. His sister does all of the stuff for his family.

    I’m not suggesting that they have bad relationships but there’s definitely a huge difference in the way that the mother-daughter and mother-son relationships work on a practical level.

    Abso-fukkn-lutely


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    #17
    Sleepy
    Registered Users Posts: 24,149 ✭✭✭✭Sleepy


    Cutie 3.14 wrote: »
    https://www.instagram.com/s/aGlnaGxpZ2h0OjE3ODY3MDY1MjA4MDQ2NzA1?igshid=1px46fiflszms&story_media_id=2403196546927030777_13522733910
    Sorry, was there a coherent point in there? Couldn't get past the attention whoring.


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    #18
    ancapailldorcha
    Moderators, Category Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 37,153 CMod ✭✭✭✭ancapailldorcha


    Cutie 3.14 wrote: »
    https://touch.boards.ie/thread/2058059558/1
    Cutie 3.14 wrote: »
    https://www.instagram.com/s/aGlnaGxpZ2h0OjE3ODY3MDY1MjA4MDQ2NzA1?igshid=1px46fiflszms&story_media_id=2403196546927030777_13522733910

    Mod: Stop dumping links here please. This is a discussion forum, not a link repository.

    We sat again for an hour and a half discussing maps and figures and always getting back to that most damnable creation of the perverted ingenuity of man - the County of Tyrone.

    H. H. Asquith



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    #19
    John Hutton
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,301 ✭✭✭John Hutton


    What is sometimes overlooked is that a lot of women like being in the "Irish mammy" role and running the house. Problems arise when they burn out trying to be that and have a fulltime job.

    Personally when I marry I hope that either I or my wife would be able to stay at home to be a housewife/husband - I'm not a fan of basically outsourcing to a stranger the raising of kids for most of the week.


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    #20
    seamus
    Registered Users Posts: 68,317 ✭✭✭✭seamus


    John Hutton wrote: »
    What is sometimes overlooked is that a lot of women like being in the "Irish mammy" role and running the house.
    Have you asked them if they like it or if they're just doing it because that's what's expected.

    If you feel like your wife runs the house "because she likes it", or "because things just happened that way", or if you say, "I ask her to tell me when she needs help", then there's a good chance she is bearing more than her fair share of the mental load.

    Most women don't even know they're doing it. They'll say they look after things because, "It won't get done if I don't". That doesn't make it OK that it's left to her.

    Any road, that's a different thread.

    I generally don't identify the "Irish Mammy" phenomenon as being a widespread issue in my experience. Certainly looking after ourselves was something my mother drilled into us. By the time I was 18, if I wanted clean clothes, I had to clean them myself. She probably only did it up to then to make sure I had a clean school uniform.

    And I don't really see it in other men I know. I have encountered the odd utterly useless and clueless man, as well as the odd bustling woman who does everything. But they're both few and far between. Maybe it's a generational thing.


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    #21
    John Hutton
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,301 ✭✭✭John Hutton


    seamus wrote: »
    Have you asked them if they like it or if they're just doing it because that's what's expected.

    If you feel like your wife runs the house "because she likes it", or "because things just happened that way", or if you say, "I ask her to tell me when she needs help", then there's a good chance she is bearing more than her fair share of the mental load.

    Most women don't even know they're doing it. They'll say they look after things because, "It won't get done if I don't". That doesn't make it OK that it's left to her.

    Any road, that's a different thread.

    I generally don't identify the "Irish Mammy" phenomenon as being a widespread issue in my experience. Certainly looking after ourselves was something my mother drilled into us. By the time I was 18, if I wanted clean clothes, I had to clean them myself. She probably only did it up to then to make sure I had a clean school uniform.

    And I don't really see it in other men I know. I have encountered the odd utterly useless and clueless man, as well as the odd bustling woman who does everything. But they're both few and far between. Maybe it's a generational thing.
    I have been involved in various workplace surveys, these have informed my opinion that, if it were possible, a large amount of mothers would prefer to be at home with their children than working full time. (It is important to bear in mind, that for the majority of people, men and women alike, work is a means to an end and not some sort of super fulfilling career that gives their lives meaning). Of course in this day and age its rarely financially possible, which is very sad.



    There is a difference between "running the house" and dealing with an incapable husband.



    When I was a kid my dad worked (self employed and all that comes with that) and looked after kids sport, DIY, the cars, etc. and my mam ran the house in terms of cooking, cleaning, shopping etc. after she gave up work when we were young. It was a division of labour along traditional lines.


    My mam loved it, and it was great for us kids too because we saw more of our parents. Many kids these days see relatively little of their parents in comparison.


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    #22
    eviltwin
    Registered Users Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    John Hutton wrote: »
    I have been involved in various workplace surveys, these have informed my opinion that, if it were possible, a large amount of mothers would prefer to be at home with their children than working full time. (It is important to bear in mind, that for the majority of people, men and women alike, work is a means to an end and not some sort of super fulfilling career that gives their lives meaning). Of course in this day and age its rarely financially possible, which is very sad.



    There is a difference between "running the house" and dealing with an incapable husband.



    When I was a kid my dad worked (self employed and all that comes with that) and looked after kids sport, DIY, the cars, etc. and my mam ran the house in terms of cooking, cleaning, shopping etc. after she gave up work when we were young. It was a division of labour along traditional lines.


    My mam loved it, and it was great for us kids too because we saw more of our parents. Many kids these days see relatively little of their parents in comparison.

    Once someone is happy to do it then all is good. The problems occur when one party feels shoehorned into a role they don't really want or feels that the other party is not doing their fair share. In our case our mother never wanted to be at home or have as many children as she did and massively resented us for it. By the time she went back to work full time the damage had been done.

    Looking after kids and a home is a full time job when they are small but your world starts to shrink the older they get and I often wonder if the overindulging mother is someone desperate to remain relevant.


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    #23
    Pawwed Rig
    Moderators, Category Moderators, Home & Garden Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 22,293 CMod ✭✭✭✭Pawwed Rig


    eviltwin wrote: »
    Looking after kids and a home is a full time job when they are small but your world starts to shrink the older they get and I often wonder if the overindulging mother is someone desperate to remain relevant.

    I wouldn't look at it that way as I have never considered looking after my 2 kids as a job. It is certainly time consuming but I would much rather time in their company than my normal day job. I would more see the kids time as down time rather than work.

    Looking after the house is another issue. We have pretty much abandoned the idea of house pride until they are teenagers. Our house is not dirty but it is definitely untidy. Hiring a cleaner for a few hours a week saved our marriage:pac:


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    #24
    begbysback
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,910 ✭✭✭begbysback


    Stepping Stone wrote: »
    Where do I find these men that do nice things for their mother? Seriously, my male family members never think to buy so much as a card for anyone, let alone gifts. I buy the cards, hand them over, hassle them to write and post them (where appropriate). I also buy all the presents.

    This isn’t just my family. My OH would probably die before he’d do anything like that for his family and he’s not alone. His brothers are equally useless and rely on their sister or wives. I can say the same for the men I work with. I am now in the habit of announcing that Mother’s Day is coming up so that my boss can organise a card for his wife. His sister does all of the stuff for his family.

    I’m not suggesting that they have bad relationships but there’s definitely a huge difference in the way that the mother-daughter and mother-son relationships work on a practical level.

    Ahh at last, a normal family, all this modern day man stuff where we are expected to be there emotionally as well a physically is just too much to ask of the basic man.


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    #25
    Pawwed Rig
    Moderators, Category Moderators, Home & Garden Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 22,293 CMod ✭✭✭✭Pawwed Rig


    I meant to include in my post above this;

    What is the obsession with gifts and cards? The only time I would consider a birthday gift or card for any sibling would be a milestone birthday 21st, 30th or (as is increasingly common) 40th and 50th and in that scenario it would more than likely be a meal or similar rather than a physical gift. Other than that they get a Facebook message if I remember. At Xmas I do send a card but they would be mortified if I actually bought a present.
    Why would an adult want a gift off a sibling?

    Maybe a parent is different but I never recall buying my Dad any birthday presents. Maybe I would have bought him some tobacco or something. Nothing that sticks in the mind though.


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    #26
    seamus
    Registered Users Posts: 68,317 ✭✭✭✭seamus


    Pawwed Rig wrote: »
    Why would an adult want a gift off a sibling?
    I think this is just a family thing.

    My wife's family all give birthday cards to eachother every year and usually a voucher too.

    In my family you'll be lucky to get a WhatsApp message on the right day, and our parents might throw a few quid at us.

    But that's not to say we're less close. We're very close. But presents and cards on your birthday has just never been the done thing as adults, except, like you say, for big birthdays.


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    #27
    Kaybaykwah
    Registered Users Posts: 3,085 ✭✭✭Kaybaykwah


    Pawwed Rig wrote: »
    I meant to include in my post above this;

    What is the obsession with gifts and cards? The only time I would consider a birthday gift or card for any sibling would be a milestone birthday 21st, 30th or (as is increasingly common) 40th and 50th and in that scenario it would more than likely be a meal or similar rather than a physical gift. Other than that they get a Facebook message if I remember. At Xmas I do send a card but they would be mortified if I actually bought a present.
    Why would an adult want a gift off a sibling?

    Maybe a parent is different but I never recall buying my Dad any birthday presents. Maybe I would have bought him some tobacco or something. Nothing that sticks in the mind though.


    Totally.

    The reflex of buying stuff constantly for birthdays, but worse, Mothers or Fathers day caters to the sellers of unwanted crap. As for me, the last thing I want to be reminded of is that I'm a year older.


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    #28
    Sonics2k
    Registered Users Posts: 8,237 ✭✭✭Sonics2k


    I like to think I have a good relationship with my mother, both of them. Though admittedly I'd be closer to one than the other, which is the same in most parent/child relationships really.

    Despite any problems, whether my own fault or someone else's, my mother has always been there to help me, even when dealing with her own issues. I only hope that as a father now, my own kids look on me with the same respect and love.


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    #29
    Kylta
    Registered Users Posts: 15,457 ✭✭✭✭Kylta


    I have a great relationship with my mother and father(unfair to leave him out). Throughout my life all the trails and troubles I've had to deal with they were always there for me and(my brothers). And although i'm in my 50s I still learn from them.


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    #30
    Tefral
    Registered Users Posts: 4,313 ✭✭✭Tefral


    I've a good relationship with my mother. Does she drive me mad? Yes. Do I sigh heavily and facepalm everytime she calls saying she cant log into something because she lost her password? yes.

    Id still do anything for both my parents to be honest.

    As good as a mother my mam is, now that i have a small son, i see a completely different woman and the same with my dad, they make even better grand parents.


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