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Wife or Mother?

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  • Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I have a mil who has caused us big problems when we had our son. She was quite abusive to my husband growing up too and I’ve never pretended to like her because of this.

    While his father is alive he has to interact with his mother. She can’t be trusted so she has never and will never gotten time alone with our child.

    I deal with it by giving her no information about my life if I have to speak to her. She’ll ask how my parents are.. I used to tell her details like they were on holiday or about their work/hobbies.. now I just say they are good.

    I changed jobs and my sister had an baby.. normally things I would tell someone if we were speaking but I made no mention of it to her. I think it’s called grey walling? I am keeping myself not interesting to her so she can’t use anything I say against me like she has done in the past.

    Anyway to my point, if I thought after all the crap she’s done to me, which sounds like very little compared to what your wife has dealt with, I would seriously consider divorce if my husband had to ask which side he should be supporting- me or his mother.


  • Registered Users Posts: 5,453 ✭✭✭valoren


    /\/\/\

    It's the grey rock method. Essentially, be about as interesting to an abusive person as a grey rock so that they ultimately lose interest in provoking, taunting etc as they get no response beyond simple "Hi/Bye" feedback.


  • Moderators, Category Moderators, Politics Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 81,310 CMod ✭✭✭✭coffee_cake


    Neyite wrote: »
    Practically, I'd suggest that you yourself continue to visit as you like. Give vague excuses that your mother can't jump on as to why your wife isn't there - she had to work /stay in for the plumber /help her sister etc. Same with the children. Bring them for a family occasion, but not for general visits. Cite swimming lessons/ birthday party/ football match as reasons for them not turning up.

    I have to disagree with this. I know it's hard for OP, but it basically is playing both sides and betraying the wife. Playing happy families and acting like the mother's behaviour is ok. And then as OP said, there will be pictures posted and the mother crowing she gets exactly what she wants - all the glory and none of the wife.
    the priority here should be the wife. even though it's not an easy answer.


  • Administrators, Politics Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 25,947 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Neyite


    bluewolf wrote: »
    I have to disagree with this. I know it's hard for OP, but it basically is playing both sides and betraying the wife. Playing happy families and acting like the mother's behaviour is ok. And then as OP said, there will be pictures posted and the mother crowing she gets exactly what she wants - all the glory and none of the wife.
    the priority here should be the wife. even though it's not an easy answer.


    That's a good point and one I didn't think of. My advice shouldn't be taken so OP as it does mean that MIL gets to exclude your wife entirely.



    United front all the way then. And Blue is right, it won't be easy. But either option is difficult to navigate.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,103 ✭✭✭Tiddlypeeps


    I don't understand this whole "she wins" stuff, it's so petty. Who cares if the mother feels like she wins, the point isn't to cave and give her what she wants, the point is for the OP to be able to keep in touch with the rest of the family, the mother getting what she wants is just a side effect.


    If the mothers house is the "hub" where the family always gather then that is going to be next to impossible to change. Either the OP accepts cutting out his mother means also losing touch with the rest of the family or he sucks it up and tolerates her for the sake of keeping in contact with the rest of the family.



    The idea that him going on his own to family gatherings is betraying his wife is super petty. Fair enough if she wants nothing to do with the mother, but keeping the OP and the kids from being able to see the rest of the family for the sake of a grudge with one person is super ****ty imo.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 5,776 ✭✭✭up for anything


    I don't understand this whole "she wins" stuff, it's so petty. Who cares if the mother feels like she wins, the point isn't to cave and give her what she wants, the point is for the OP to be able to keep in touch with the rest of the family, the mother getting what she wants is just a side effect.


    If the mothers house is the "hub" where the family always gather then that is going to be next to impossible to change. Either the OP accepts cutting out his mother means also losing touch with the rest of the family or he sucks it up and tolerates her for the sake of keeping in contact with the rest of the family.


    The idea that him going on his own to family gatherings is betraying his wife is super petty. Fair enough if she wants nothing to do with the mother, but keeping the OP and the kids from being able to see the rest of the family for the sake of a grudge with one person is super ****ty imo.

    15 years he let his mother treat his wife like crap! That was the major betrayal. The OP seems very weak and with no regard for his wife and his children. Why on earth would he let his mother model her shitty behaviour for his children to copy? It's difficult enough bringing up children without letting them think on some level that their mother is bad or wrong because their 'lovely' grandmother says so and her son/their father agrees by default and so does their grandfather. Both of them weak and under her thumb. To be fair, if I was his wife I'd already be gone. 15 years of poisonous behaviour. Ugh.

    It has nothing to do with winning. It has to do with respect.


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,667 ✭✭✭Klonker


    I think I'm going against the grain here but....

    Your mother's in the wrong of course but can you and your wife not just ignore the comments and put in down to your mother being a bit of a b1tch? It's your mother and you only have one and as you said she's old, she might not be around for much longer, you don't want to have regrets when she's gone and it's to late. Also your father and children are the innocent ones caught in the cross fire.
    I just think your wife could do you a favour and bit her tongue. Put it this way, if it was the opposite way around and one of her parents, would you make a big thing out of it?


  • Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Klonker wrote: »
    I think I'm going against the grain here but....

    Your mother's in the wrong of course but can you and your wife not just ignore the comments and put in down to your mother being a bit of a b1tch? It's your mother and you only have one and as you said she's old, she might not be around for much longer, you don't want to have regrets when she's gone and it's to late. Also your father and children are the innocent ones caught in the cross fire.
    I just think your wife could do you a favour and bit her tongue. Put it this way, if it was the opposite way around and one of her parents, would you make a big thing out of it?


    we are years down a very similar line as the OP and i can tell you that doesn't work, children grow up, they hear things being said and it upsets them, and it effects them badly.

    being a mother doesn't mean jack all if you treat your child like crap, or their partner like crap or their children like crap. You only get one mother thats true but not all mothers are good people. Don't tolerate abuse because "she's old" or "you only have one mother".

    and no child or grandchild should have to put up with that verbal/mental abuse of their only mother, the days of "put up and shut up" are long gone.

    the father is not at all innocent, from what i've read he is acting like a coward who sits back and says and does nothing to defend his son, his partner or his grandkids, likewise why doesn't he make the effort to see them? because he is either weak, a coward or agrees with the mothers behaviour.

    the only victims here are the OP mainly because his parents are adults and should have known better than to behave like this, the wife who had to put up with what is essentially mental/verbal abuse from these people for YEARS for no apparent reason, and the children who lost a pair of (granted they are toxic) grandparents who should have been loving them and kind to them instead.

    You don't expose children to toxic people or people who treat them badly it only results in damage that sometimes can cause huge problems for them later on in life.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 65 ✭✭Accepting Cookies


    I stumbled across this post and both my husband and I have read all the way through it. My MIL has also treated me horribly, abusively, for years while my husband did nothing about it. She has done and said things which have caused me great pain and trauma. I was made unwelcome in my in-laws home by my FIL, because he was annoyed that I sat in his favorite chair, and he had to step over my computer charging cord. He said this directly to my husband with no shame, even saying, "why wouldn't I."
    I emigrated to Ireland to be with my husband, and his family home was my only family hub, which I treasured. Without going into too many details that would identify me, I'll just say that I too didn't deserve it. Her mistreatment of me and that of some of my husbands other family members with bullying and threats caused us to leave our first family home together and move abroad to where I'm from.
    I tried in vain for years to explain how her actions hurt me, how I loved her and their family and wanted differently for us and our children, but it never made a difference. Half-assed and insincere apologies were sometimes made (one of them consisted of two words written on a post-it, and placed inside a greeting card addressed to just my husband). The bad behavior always returned. I was name-called and attacked through letters, and emails to me and messages to my husband. He was offered plane tickets for just himself to return. His inability to put a stop to it caused such suffering. He once even yelled at me to just get over it, and another time after several years in of it, questioned how I could be abused when there's such a distance. He also once visited their home that I was made unwelcome in, despite having previously agreed none of our family would be there then, and justifying it because he brought one of our children there to "make memories." It nearly broke us and caused us many unhappy years. I almost left him just to have peace in my life again.
    We went through counseling and learned about boundaries, and what his duty actually is, how to be healthy in our lives with toxic family, and it's the only thing that saved us. We even both started suffering from anxiety. My MIL one time out of the blue texted my husband horrible things about me-how I wanted him all to myself, that I never loved Ireland, I never fit in with the family, that I wasn't good enough for her son... and on the way to work my husband had to stop into the hospital thinking he was suffering from a heart attack. It was his first panic attack. I was also suffering with my mental health too, and for the first time I developed an anxiety disorder that hugely affected my life, that I have to stay on top of now to this day by minding my mental health carefully and blocking all contact.

    My MIL was eventually told off firmly by my husband to stop, she refused. He told her he was cutting all communication with her in order for our family to be healthy and survive and the negative impact it was having on all of us. Then she flew over this summer without saying a word to us, full of passive aggressive comments, undermining my parenting. As she was leaving, she made an agreement to put it all behind us, we shook hands and hugged on it, and I was full of hope once again. Two weeks later she threw the trip in my husbands face and insulting him and "all the things he did wrong" and letting him know it was a waste of her time and money. I had treated her with the greatest respect and kindness, and that was how we were re-paid. She even called one of our children, an ungrateful little bitch.

    I say all that as a warning to you and to anyone reading who needs to hear the same. Do not allow toxic family to destroy your life, your family and marriage, or your health. My MIL will never again be welcomed into my life as long as her behavior remains unchanged which it undoubtedly will not change. I can never forget the way I was treated and the horrible effect it had on my life. As has already been said, you made a commitment, spoke vows and have made a life with your chosen partner and your children. They are unquestionably your priority. Our children have been negatively affected by this emotional abuse. They deserve so much better, and they absolutely deserve to have healthy happy parents and a stable, happy home life. We all do.

    You have the right to cut out toxic people from your life, even when it's family.




  • just because you were asked to move from the man's chair?


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  • Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 3,022 Mod ✭✭✭✭wiggle16


    Mod:

    As this thread is a couple of months old and the OP has not been back I am locking it.

    Thanks & grma all who posted.

    Thread locked.


This discussion has been closed.
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