controlling parents

LegacyUser · 16-09-2019 2:58pm #1

Last night myself and the OH went to visit his parents, happens that one of the brothers of my OH needs a place to move into as his parents sold the family home to move somewhere else and retire. So my OH offered a room in his house (I don't officially live with him, but I do stay there more often than not). We are planning on purchasing a house in the next year or two. Planning on selling the two properties and we are very clear on what we want to do.

Anyway back to the initial problem. Yesterday as we were visiting the family home, the father mentioned to my OH, that he needs to give a key to the house to the brothers girlfriend as she is also moving in. The father said it really quietly so my OH didn't hear the comment or so he claims that he didn't hear it. We decided to leave shortly after and on the way home (to his place) I mentioned what I head his father say and I got a bit upset, as this isn't the first time he mentions her moving in. I need to admit I am not a fan of the girl and even if I was I don't need a hotel situation. We have been together 4 years and are getting married in the next few months.

My OH said not to worry about this, as this is the last thing on his mind, and he wont be giving anyone a key to his own house, however he didn't really seem very convincing.

My question here is, am I being dramatic and overacting? Or should I just accept this and hope that in the next while we can both put up the houses for sale and buy our own house together as a matter of fact we are already checking out areas. Moving into mine really isn't an option as I am dying myself to move out from there, plus its very small.

Help as this is the only thing that I have been able to think about since last night, can't even concentrate on work with this on my mind.

antix80 · 16-09-2019 4:41pm

Where does his GF live at the moment?

It's your OH's house so it's up to him what he does with it. Still, I'd be annoyed if he's telling you one thing and doing another.

LegacyUser · 16-09-2019 5:01pm

As far as I know she lives with the parents very close to where she works, shes in her late 20's. The brother of my OH met her in work, so they work together...the work is 10 mins from where she currently lives and if she does move in (which I hope wont happen) would put a drive of 40 km's on her commute which the brother already does, so she can get a lift. My OH said to me this is something temporarily (brother moving in) and that if they want to live together they both have good jobs so he sees no issue in them buying together, which I hope happens. But that she won't get a key...however as mentioned he didn't seem very convincing. Him and the father don't really get on.

Last night I was a bit struck by the fathers comments (yet again) as he seems to be the only one that insists on this girl moving in....this isn't the first time. Now as this isn't my house...I didn't comment, however just before we left, I mentioned again, that we are planning on buying a house together soon and that both houses are going up for sale, once the wedding is over. I couldn't think of a nicer way of saying, mind your own FING business, we are gown a** adults. Its not like we are in our 20's...we are late 30's early 40's.

I am just in shock and yesterday and this morning all I could think about was this...if anyone was going to check my blood pressure, they would have said I was having a heart attack.

I just don't know how to gently tell his father to kinda mind his own business. My OH said that not long ago his dad said to him not to sell the house. My OH really wants to flip this house sooner rather than later for personal reasons also.

Anyone have any ideas on how to deal with someone like this? Also keeping in mind that I am not officially the wife yet, so technically I don't really have much of a say. I am trying to set some ground rules before we get married as I don't want his family to interfere in our life.

LegacyUser · 16-09-2019 5:44pm

sorry im confused - how are the parents being controlling here? Your OHs brother is moving in with him and his father mentioned giving a key to his girlfriend as she was moving in. Not sure how the parents are being controlling here - did they force your OH to offer room to his brother? Surely if your selling both places in the next few months its only a temp stay anyway?

wiggle16 · 16-09-2019 7:11pm

To be honest, you don't have any right to tell the father to mind his own business. It's not your house.

Your partner has already said that his brother can stay there, along with his girlfriend. What does it matter if she gets a key? She's still going to be there. I don't mean any disrespect but I think you need to realise that you're the one who is being a bit controlling here. The father should butt out, but it's not your place to say that.

If he gives her a key, he gives her a key. If it's only for a couple of months while they get back on their feet then I think you are better off biting your tongue and picking your battles.

tara73 · 16-09-2019 7:23pm

this sounds dodgy to me OP. why isn't the brother of your husband-to-be not talking directly to him, asking him if it's possible to live in his house (for how long?)? why it has to be done through the dad and seemingly stating this as a fact and not even asking if it's ok? and the whispering and mentioning it just as a small side note that the gf is moving in too is very weird too.

I don't know your inlaws, this brother and his gf, but I think your gut is telling you something and you should listen.

I also think having two people living in the house when you are starting the selling procss isn't a good idea. You might want to rearrange things to be presentable and there will be visitors/potential buyers and you don't need the worry who might be in the house or who not and how did they leave the place.

Princess Calla · 16-09-2019 7:27pm

While it is your OHs house, I do think it should have been discussed with you first.

That said I think your OH is probably just trying to help his brother out and is caught between a rock and a hard place!

I think sit down and have a proper conversation with your OH and find out the finer details of the arrangement.

If you are due to be married in a few months I would say it's highly unlikely you will have found, bought and got the keys to a new house. So I would definitely be figuring out the living arrangements for after the wedding.

Personally I wouldn't like to be starting married life in a houseshare.

Ursus Horribilis · 16-09-2019 7:28pm

Your fiancé is in an awkward position regarding his brother. But to my mind, moving this lad's girlfriend in too is taking the p*ss. Where has she been living to date? Why does she suddenly need to move in with him too? It sounds like a recipe for disaster, especially if you don't like the girlfriend. Another question to be asked is will it be easy to get the brother/girlfriend to move out when the house is up for sale? Will he/they be paying rent?

Having said all that, I don't think you're in much of a position to argue here. It is your fiancé's house and it's up to him to ultimately decide who lives there. I think you need to talk to him when you're less upset about it. Explain your concerns to him but be careful not to tell him what to do.

lawred2 · 16-09-2019 7:32pm

You say you don't live there yourself so what's the problem?

Why would your OH's father consult you about somewhere where you don't live yourself?

Maybe I'm missing something.

Are you worried about your partner sharing space with another woman while you're not there?

Ursus Horribilis · 16-09-2019 7:34pm

lawred2 wrote: »

You say you don't live there yourself so what's your problem?]

I assume they enjoy cosy nights in at his place?

lawred2 · 16-09-2019 7:38pm

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

I assume they enjoy cosy nights in at his place?

I'm sure they do. But she says she doesn't live there. Staying over isn't the same thing.

Ultimately it's up to himself isn't it?

I'm not sure what the controlling aspect of the Dad's behavior was anyway..

Princess Calla · 16-09-2019 7:45pm

lawred2 wrote: »

You say you don't live there yourself so what's the problem?

The couple are in their late 30s early 40s, she spends alot of time in the house and is about to marry the guy so not a flash in the pan relationship.

The whole dynamics is going to change in the house.

Personally I wouldn't like the set up.

Equally I wouldn't like to move into a house of soon to be newlyweds!!!

In all fairness at nearly 40 years of age who would be happy in a houseshare.

I get where the OP is coming from all her little dreams and plans are being wiped out without a second thought.

The brother and the girlfriend seem to be priority.

Actually op could you offer your house and move in with your fiancé?

Ursus Horribilis · 16-09-2019 7:55pm

Was the brother still living with his parents when they sold the family home? If that's the case, this could be read as them calling the shots here. It suits them down to the ground to have this arrangement in place. No need to feel bad about making Johnny homeless when he can move in with his brother. Job done.

Princess Calla · 16-09-2019 8:07pm

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Was the brother still living with his parents when they sold the family home? If that's the case, this could be read as them calling the shots here. It suits them down to the ground to have this arrangement in place. No need to feel bad about making Johnny homeless when he can move in with his brother. Job done.

That was the way I read it, I also took it as the girlfriend was living their too!

So yeah the parents get away guilt free.

If the fiancé says no, he's the bad guy!

I'm confused as to why anyone would suggest a houseshare with soon to be newlyweds, unless they had something to gain.

Ursus Horribilis · 16-09-2019 8:16pm

I've seen your update, OP. Do you think your future father-in-law is trying to undermine your relationship?

Princess Calla · 16-09-2019 9:09pm

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

I've seen your update, OP. Do you think your future father-in-law is trying to undermine your relationship?

It reads like that, but that could be her insecurity.

The dad could also just be trying to manipulate the situation so he's not the bad guy.

However there are a few red flags that stand out to me. I don't need answers to these questions by the way

Why aren't you living together before you get married?

Why is your fiancé giving so much power to his dad? I bought my own house I would not appreciate my mother orchestrating a family member to move in with me.......I appreciate family dynamics is a whole other ball game.

When the parents house went up for sale why didn't the brother start looking to buy/rent? He's an adult with a well paying job stand on your own two feet especially if bringing a girlfriend in tow!

I've reread your op and you say you're looking to buy in a year or two so where did you plan on living in the meantime? Wherever that is I'd be moving into it now.

Also as a complete aside I presume you both have mortgages, so no first time buyers allowance... If you do go down baby route your borrowing potential is reduced substantially.... But that's a whole other tangent but something to be mindful of.

Ursus Horribilis · 16-09-2019 9:20pm

True, it could be insecurity. I agree that the father seems to be wielding too much power in this situation. I don't get why he's so keen to have his son's girlfriend move in too. Is he hoping to make the house harder to sell or something?

Princess Calla · 16-09-2019 9:42pm

The fiancé is the one with the power though. It's up to him to say what happens in his house.

Whatever he decides someone is going to be annoyed. I do get the impression though that the fiancé hasn't been entirely truthful about what conversations have been had....I would say out of trying for an easy life that through deceit though.....I could be completely wrong.

I honestly don't know why the brother would want to move in with his brother under these circumstances (it would be different if it's a bachelor pad/party house) I've a suspicion no rent is going to be paid or else a very nominal amount.

Shelli2 · 16-09-2019 11:24pm

What I find troubling here is that you are about to marry this man, yet seem unable to have an open conversation about something that is clearly seriously affecting you.
You mentioned that it's all you can think about and is raising your blood pressure, yet you posted here for advice as you feel fobbed off by your fiancé or maybe don't trust he's being completely honest about what he's agreed to?

Is it possible you are projecting this wrongly towards his parents, when you should be examining the communication and trust within your own relationship?

Clockpics · 17-09-2019 6:18am

OP my advice is different. You are getting married in a few months. I don't feel like it's your OH house and he makes the decisions full stop. This should be a joint decision made by both of you. If you were a new girlfriend and relationship wasn't too serious I'd agree it's his house he can do what he wants.

But I'm getting a vibe, correct me if I'm wrong, Taht your oh is controlling. I don't believe that your oh is as on board with selling both houses as you are?? I feel like you're hoping that's what will happen but it's not openly spoken about. It sounds like he might be agreeing that both houses are for sale for a quiet life. Have you spoken to auctioneers about putting the houses on the market? Is there a definite plan for doing it?

If I'm correct please think again about the marriage, it's hard enough when you're both equal in it together but when it's not equal bit would be even harder. I could be way off the mark here so I apologize if I'm wrong.

LegacyUser · 17-09-2019 9:13am

Will try an answer everyone questions.

We live between our two houses, I stay with him a few days a week and when he doesn't work he stays with me (he works shifts). We live in two separate counties meaning our jobs are also in two separate counties. We can't yet change jobs until we actually buy the house together. For us it works + we have a well established plan.

I spoke to him at length last night (mostly crying). I also asked him to read up on boards.ie and sent him this link. He advised he didn't realise this was affecting me so badly given he told me not to worry about his dad's plans, as those are his dad's plans and not his. His dad has a way of interfering into all the kids lives and that really he never took much advice from him anyway, as he is a controlling, manipulative & negative man (his words not mine).
So I have nothing to worry about. He just doesnt mind what the father says, reason for his laid back responses.

My OH advised that his dad never mentioned anything about who moves into the house, and as far as he is concerned the house is his and not the fathers. He also told me the father basically hints at him not to get married or sell the house as to not end up like one of his friends - divorced and almost homeless as he got with a foreign lady, who basically took the house off him (and so did the first wife). The friend cheated on the first wife and more than likely cheated on the foreign lady (second wife) reason why he probably got told to F OFF by both and now is on the verge of homelessness. When I head this I basically said, I never ever want to see your dad again. How dares he compare us to some idiot friend of his who couldn't keep his d**k i his pants. I have my own property, great career and I don't require an Irish passport either. So I am with him because I do love him, we respect each other, trust each other etc.
He advised he will speak to his father about this, if he mentions anything again. I told my OH that I feel his father is trying to undermine our relationship and he doesn't see a future between the two of us. However the mother is OK and is actually looking forward to the wedding.

My OH is the one insisting on selling his house more than I am insisting in selling. He has some personal reasons for wanting to sell the house and I would also love to sell mine.

I have advised him that I would like to be told what is going on and not land into something I don't feel comfortable with especially if we are planning our lives together. As one person said here, house shares are not for me, well not at this age anyway.

P.S. - just want to clarify something, the brothers girlfriend lives with her parents about 40 km's away form the house. So it would be a huge change in respect of travel if she was to move in. The brother lived with the parents before selling the house, so yes he technically doesn't have where to go unless he starts looking for a place himself, but why would he when the brother has a few rooms to spare. I don't have a problem with my OH helping his brother out as the brother is decent enough for a short period of time, plus he would rarely be there, however if the GF moves in, it would probably be a different story.

@Princess Calla - YOU ARE SPOT ON, I don't like the set up and wont agree with the set up.
@ Ursus Horribilis - I wouldn't be surprised if he is indeed trying to undermine us, which I mentioned to my OH last night.

zapper55 · 17-09-2019 9:41am

I'm glad your partner responded the way you wanted but your emotions are way ott. Crying throughout the conversation ( which didn't even seem to be an argument by the sounds of it) and saying you never want to see his father again.

His father has seen marriages go badly and is looking out for his son. He might be going about it in the wrong way but if you overreact to everything you'll quickly loose credibility with your partner.

Just go about your business and dont visit his dad if you don't want but I think its be a more clever approach to create boundaries and kill him with kindness if needs be. You are giving the dad far too much power over your reactions and emotions.

Anna2834 · 17-09-2019 9:53am

The father is going about the wrong way....I have seen plenty of marriages go wrong...doesn't mean that anyone should project this onto their sons/daughters. He seems like a manipulative man, who is not only looking out for one son, he is "looking out" for both sons and a certain girlfriend, who by the look of things seems to be Irish. Seen this type of behavior from in laws when it comes to mixt marriages. All I can say is, you go about your daily business with your OH and ignore the father as much as you possibly can, as a matter of fact avoid him if at all possible.

Of course she would cry, its impossible not to, if I were in her shoes, I would probably do the same thing. Not everyone can be cold and unemotional/rational in these type of situations.

Just go about your business and don't visit his dad if you don't want but I think its be a more clever approach to create boundaries and kill him with kindness if needs be. You are giving the dad far too much power over your reactions and emotions. - I do agree with this part however easier said than done.

Good luck OP.

Neyite · 17-09-2019 10:52am

I think you were a bit over the top by crying at a conversation. What stands out to me is that you had no faith in your husband to be. You immediately jumped to the conclusion that he would do something his dad told him to and even when he told you in the car it wasn't happening you still worried yourself into a state where you were crying about it. Or is there a bit of wedding stresses building up there too?

It sounds like your fiancé knows his own mind. And he let's his dad off and does not pay any heed to the patriarchal diktat - that's good. And you should follow the same tack. When dad starts dictating you pay no heed and do your own thing. And don't let it get to you. It's your lives and you both get to decide for yourselves how you want to live it. And you know, if you are getting a house together or planning a family then this was a nice practice run for fielding the incessant 'suggestions' on house location or decor, or child rearing that he's bound to come out with. Because he will! But now you know your husband will nod and smile and stick to the plan you guys made together.

With regard to wanting to safeguard his son's assets in the event of a future split, ok it's not nice to hear, especially a few months before you marry but that's a lot of parents for you. It's no reflection personally on you but he's likely seen that marriages can fail even with the best of intentions and is being protective. And there's a bit of an old fashioned slant in there too where he's forgetting or overlooked you have an asset that will be pooled upon marriage as well. To hear my MIL talk I'm a sponger who spends all her son's money when in fact I work full time and contribute about 40% to the pot (it's not personal, she says it about all her kid's partners). So we joke about it ourselves and by doing that turn it into something benign. Honestly, don't mind him. He's got no say in your lives so let him talk to the air.

LegacyUser · 17-09-2019 11:23am

Thank you everyone for your advice.

I know crying maybe wasn't the best thing to do, but when I heard what the dad was implying I just couldn't help myself. Tears just started coming down my face, and usually I am a very controlled person, but I just couldn't stop. I felt this huge, huge invisible thing on my shoulders and thought GOD if this is what I need to deal with for the foreseeable future, I would rather walk away.

He has rang me to advise he read the link sent and he understands my frustrations now. I hope I won't have to go though this again...as by the look of things I get quite emotional and a bit irrational (OK maybe a bit more than I expected).

Thanks everyone for the support and understanding...even the ones with comments along the lines of "its his house, he does whatever he wants".

Anna2834 · 17-09-2019 11:57am

@Neyite - I don't see a mortgage as an asset until it's paid off (that's the way I look at it, there might be some equity in the house but that's about it). In my humble opinion, there aren't any assets to "safeguard" here, but I do understand what you are saying! The old man seems a bit delusional and quite rude. He should be happy the son found someone to share his life with especially in this day and age, where it's so hard to find someone decent. She seems to be OK financially.

Something similar happened with my own parents....the problems it caused...horrible to be in a situation like this and have to witness this behavior especially as a child.

The OH needs to be very clear, as one person mentioned earlier about what was discussed, if anything was discussed at all. Him not being very clear might have led her to have those unnerving feelings.

Looks like the air might have been cleared. Wishing you both well.

Princess Calla · 17-09-2019 1:12pm

I'm so glad things seem to be sorted.

Not nice to hear what the dad but at least you know where you stand with him. Plus this attitude is not uncommon I've seen it on both sides of my family.

I'd have cried too, it's frustration more than anything else.

Best of luck enjoy the wedding planning.

tara73 · 17-09-2019 7:32pm

OP, glad you could be that open with your OH, showed him this thread (very brave!!) and him being really suportive towards you.

I got there's something odd and manipulative about your father in law and I'm glad your Oh is seeing this too.

Things can only get into the right direction from now on, just don't let this gf move in.

controlling parents

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