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The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

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  • Registered Users Posts: 191 ✭✭Bushmanpm


    â€Because†replied the big cat, “I’m a four point tool eater Jaguar!â€


    That is worse than anything even my dad has come out with....
    ...but I'm still chuckling like a child at it !


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,721 ✭✭✭Erik Shin


    A German guy approaches a prostitute and says "I vish to buy sex vit you"

    "OK" says the girl, "I'll charge 100 dollars an hour"

    "Ist goot, but I must varn you I am a little kinky"

    "No problem" she replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky"

    So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.

    "I vant you to tie ze springs to each of your limbs."

    The girl finds this strange but complies, fastening the springs to her hands and knees.

    "Now you vill get on your hans and knees"

    She duly does this, balancing on the springs.

    "You vill please blow zis vistle as I make love to you."

    She finds this all very odd, but figures it's harmless, and the guy is paying.

    The sex is fantastic.

    She is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller.

    The climax is the most sensational she has ever experienced, and it is several minutes before she has recovered her breath.

    Finally she gasps "That was totally amazing...... what do you call that?"

    "Ah" says the German...... I am an automotive engineer with Audi.....

    "Four sprung duck technique"

    Audi 1 - Jaguar 0


  • Registered Users Posts: 16,500 ✭✭✭✭DEFTLEFTHAND


    I find that ducks' opinions of me are very much influenced over whether or not I have bread. Ducks love bread, but they do not have the capability to buy a loaf. That's the biggest joke on a duck ever. Like, if I worked in a convenience store, and a duck walked in and took a loaf of bread in its beak, I would let him go. I would say, "Come back tomorrow, bring your friends." When I think of a duck's friends, I think of more ducks. But heck, he could have like, a beaver in tow. Cause if you're an animal, you want to have a beaver as a friend, cause they have some kick-ass houses. That **** is on the lake. Lakeside my ass, lake on!

    I love Mich Hedberg's duck routine.


  • Registered Users Posts: 8,253 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Bushmanpm wrote: »
    That is worse than anything even my dad has come out with....
    ...but I'm still chuckling like a child at it !


    Tell him this one,( try to do a Posh interviewer's voice and a Cornish Farmers voice :P)



    Interviewer: How much milk do these cows give?

    Farmer: Which one? The Black one or the brown one?

    Interviewer: Brown one.

    Farmer: A couple of litres per day.

    Interviewer: And the black one?

    Farmer: A couple of litres per day.

    Interviewer(naturally a bit flummoxed): I see. What do you give them to eat?

    Farmer: Which one? Black or brown?

    Interviewer: Black.

    Farmer: It eats grass.

    Interviewer: And the other one?

    Farmer: Grass.

    Interviewer(now annoyed) : Why do you keep asking which one when the answers are the same?!

    Farmer: Because the black one’s mine.

    Interviewer: Oh, and the brown one?


    Farmer: It’s also mine

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Registered Users Posts: 3,194 ✭✭✭foxy farmer


    Tom McInerney gets a job in London working on a main sewer upgrade job.
    One morning the foreman gets a call saying 2 artic loads of supplies are on the way. In a panic he runs out trying to get men to help unload the lorries. No one to be seen above ground but he hears noise coming from a manhole close by.
    He shouts down into the hole " Who's working down there? "
    "Just me Tom McInerney "
    "Right so" says the foreman "Could 3 of ye come up to help unload the lorries.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 11,881 ✭✭✭✭GBX


    As I was buying a pint at the bar I noticed 2 fat birds eyeing me up
    "Alright sexy" They said, "You can probably tell we're sisters can't you"

    "I certainly can" I replied, "How's Cinderella doing then??"


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,088 ✭✭✭byrner88


    A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what could he do to cure his problem.

    The doctor said, when you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate try giving yourself a fright. The man thought he'd give it a try and so bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he runs home to his wife.

    At home his wife is in bed, naked and waiting on her husband. As the two begin, they find themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, feels the sudden urge to come and fires the starter pistol.

    The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, how did it go? The man answered, not that well, when I fired the pistol my wife **** on my face, bit my cock and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,588 ✭✭✭Awesomeness


    What did the leper say to the prostitute?

    Keep the tip

    What do you call a black man flying a plane?

    A pilot ya feckin racist


  • Registered Users Posts: 8,253 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    What do you call a black man flying a plane?/QUOTE]

    Tuskegee :)

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Registered Users Posts: 1,064 ✭✭✭ericl


    In Jamaica you can get a steak and kidney pie for €1.75, a chicken and mushroom pie for €1.60 and an apple pie for €2.15.

    In St Kitts and Nevis a steak and kidney pie will cost you €2, a chicken pie (without mushrooms) is €1.70
    and a cherry pie can be yours for €1.95.

    In Trinidad ,Barbados ,Tobago, and Dominica that steak and kidney pie comes in at €2.50,
    but you can two for €3.50, while the chicken and mushroom pie is €2.25, or two for €3.25.
    They also offer meat and potato pie for €2, or two for €3.
    Their apple pies and cherry pies are often sold for €2.75, or two (any combination) for €4.75.


    Those are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 3,194 ✭✭✭foxy farmer


    ericl wrote: »
    In Jamaica you can get a steak and kidney pie for €1.75, a chicken and mushroom pie for €1.60 and an apple pie for €2.15.

    In St Kitts and Nevis a steak and kidney pie will cost you €2, a chicken pie (without mushrooms) is €1.70
    and a cherry pie can be yours for €1.95.

    In Trinidad ,Barbados ,Tobago, and Dominica that steak and kidney pie comes in at €2.50,
    but you can two for €3.50, while the chicken and mushroom pie is €2.25, or two for €3.25.
    They also offer meat and potato pie for €2, or two for €3.
    Their apple pies and cherry pies are often sold for €2.75, or two (any combination) for €4.75.


    Those are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean.

    I never knew that the Caribbean had joined the Eurozone!


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 12,045 ✭✭✭✭gramar


    ericl wrote: »
    In Jamaica you can get a steak and kidney pie for €1.75, a chicken and mushroom pie for €1.60 and an apple pie for €2.15.

    In St Kitts and Nevis a steak and kidney pie will cost you €2, a chicken pie (without mushrooms) is €1.70
    and a cherry pie can be yours for €1.95.

    In Trinidad ,Barbados ,Tobago, and Dominica that steak and kidney pie comes in at €2.50,
    but you can two for €3.50, while the chicken and mushroom pie is €2.25, or two for €3.25.
    They also offer meat and potato pie for €2, or two for €3.
    Their apple pies and cherry pies are often sold for €2.75, or two (any combination) for €4.75.


    Those are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean.

    You never said how much a cream pie was :pac:


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,721 ✭✭✭Erik Shin


    gramar wrote: »
    You never said how much a cream pie was :pac:

    Two-Fiddy


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,065 ✭✭✭TheChevron


    Erik Shin wrote: »
    Two-Fiddy
    Tree-fiddy


  • Registered Users Posts: 191 ✭✭Bushmanpm


    Erik Shin wrote:
    Two-Fiddy

    It couldn't be two thirty, that's a Chinese dentist


  • Posts: 8,856 ✭✭✭ Alvaro Scrawny Arch


    What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love?

    "Honey,

    I'm


    home!"


  • Registered Users Posts: 49,731 ✭✭✭✭coolhull


    ·
    A man and a woman walk into a bank and ask to see the manager.
    They are ushered in and the manager, despite his professionalism, can hardly keep his eyes off the bulging cleavage and perfect curves of the woman.
    "Mr Wilson" says the man, "I have an investment proposition that needs £20,000. I presume, as I bank here, that will be no problem?"
    Smugly the bank manager replies, "In banking, one should never assume Sir. I will need to ask a few questions and run a few checks."
    "Here's the deal." says the man, leaning forward. "No questions. No checks. £20,000 today and I will let you have my wife for one night and one night only to do whatever you want. And she is very.. adventurous."
    Once again Mr Wilson mentally undresses the woman, licks his lips, loosens his tie and becomes flustered. After a few moments he buzzes in his secretary and they draw up the paperwork. He arranges to bring the money to the executive suite of the Radisson hotel at 7 o'clock that evening.
    At ten to seven, Mr Wilson nervously enters the hotel lobby and takes the lift to the 17th floor. He knocks shyly on the door of the suite and it is answered by the woman in a low cut short red dress and heels.
    "Mr Wilson" she purrs. "Have you got the money?"
    The bank manager shakily hands her an envelope.
    She smiles. "Then come in."
    He follows the woman into the room and stops in shock. Lying on the bed is a hideously ugly woman in faded grey underwear eating a pie. At least 25 stone, she lies in a provocative pose showing unshaven armpits and bikini line.
    The man is sitting in an armchair with a glass of Scotch.
    "What's this?!" stutters the bank manager.
    "My wife" says the man. "In banking, Mr Wilson, one should never assume."


  • Registered Users Posts: 14,681 ✭✭✭✭Panthro


    I'm going to make an animation about the pearls of pooping when you think you're farting. I shall call it "A sharts tale"


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 6,576 ✭✭✭Paddy Cow


    What do you call a fly without wings?












    A walk.


  • Registered Users Posts: 11,215 ✭✭✭✭Suckit


    I just robbed this (not that (m)any are original):




    Why do Swedish warships have barcodes on them?
    So when they dock they can... Scandinavian!! :D


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 6,576 ✭✭✭Paddy Cow


    Suckit wrote: »
    I just robbed this (not that (m)any are original):



    Why do Swedish warships have barcodes on them?
    So when they dock they can... Scandinavian!! :D
    And I thought mine was bad *facepalm*

    We will be the reason this thread gets closed :pac:


  • Registered Users Posts: 8,253 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Paddy Cow wrote: »
    What do you call a fly without wings?

    A walk.

    What do you call a Marty McFly without wings?




    A Walk





    Back To The Future

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Registered Users Posts: 11,881 ✭✭✭✭GBX


    Heard an employee was trapped in the Coors warehouse over the weekend.

    Poor bloke was forced to drink his own piss to survive


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,088 ✭✭✭byrner88


    I went into a Chinese takeaway last night.

    The owner of the shop said, "what do you do for a riving?"

    I said, "what do I do for a living? I'm a bit of a comedian."

    So the Chinese chap says, "go on then, change colour."

    I said, "no! I'm not a chameleon, I'm a comedian."

    So then he says, "tell me a joke, make me raff."

    I said, "You want me to tell you a joke and make you laugh?"

    Just then his Pan caught fire, so I said, "Wok! Wok!"

    And he said, "who's der?"


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 5,995 ✭✭✭Ipso


    A woman goes into the doctor while her husband waits in the car outside.
    About half an hour later she comes out and gets into the car, the husband says "well, how did it go"? His wife looked a bit shocked and said to her husband "He said I had a nice pussy".
    Her husband lost the plot and barged into the doctors office and roars at him "Why the hell are you telling my wife that she has a nice pussy"?
    The doctor replied "I told her she had acute angina".


  • Registered Users Posts: 11,881 ✭✭✭✭GBX


    A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.

    His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?'

    'That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment. '

    So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.

    'A female horth. '

    So he shows him a prized filly.

    'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth'?

    So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

    'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth'?

    So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

    'Nith earzth, can I see her mouf'?

    The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

    'Nice mouf, can I see her twat'?

    Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's (that part under the tail), pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

    The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

    'Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit'?


  • Registered Users Posts: 8,253 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    There was a little boy about twelve years old who was walking along the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him.

    Eventually, he came upon the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocked on the door.

    When the Madam answered it, she saw the boy and asked what he wanted.

    He said, “I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I’m not leaving until I get it.”

    The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in.

    Once inside, she told him to prick any of the girls he liked.

    He asked, “Do any of the girls have any diseases?”

    Of course the Madam replied “No”.

    He said, “I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT’S the girl I want.”

    Since the boy was so adamant that he had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.

    So, he headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him.

    Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam and left.

    The Madam stopped him and asked,

    “Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?”

    He said, “Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant for dinner and leave me at home with a baby-sitter.

    After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she happens to be very fond of cute little boys.

    She will then get the disease that I just caught.

    When my parents get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home.

    On the way, he’ll jump the baby-sitter’s bones and he’ll catch the disease.

    Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter’s place, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex and Mom will catch it.

    In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease, and HE’S the fooker who ran over my FROG!”

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Registered Users Posts: 10,179 ✭✭✭✭fr336


    Got a load of free condoms I'm flogging, first come first served


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,721 ✭✭✭Erik Shin


    fr336 wrote: »
    Got a load of free condoms I'm flogging, first come first served

    Saw them on donedeal... 1 careful previous owner


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  • Registered Users Posts: 3,404 ✭✭✭chewed


    What time does Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon? 



    Tennish


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