Long time friend of bf tried to cheat with him

LegacyUser · 22-04-2021 5:00pm #1

Hi all,

I'll try keep this brief. My bf has a long time friend and is friends with her fiancee. They have been together over 20 years. Anyways something didn't sit right in my gut as she constantly would comment on pics he'd put up on FB, looking good, looking great etc. In itself that isn't an issue but she would never like any couple pics or posts we had up.

Anyways she drunkenly messaged him at 2am seemed harmless enough on the face just hi how are you, can't wait to get out for a dance when the pubs open etc. He reacted weird to it. It kind of sat weirdly with me.

Anyways it's come to light messages that she sent him, back a while before we got together. She sent him a barrage of messages. Not just on one night. This went on over a couple of weeks. She was trying to get with him. Saying things like "Are you coming out to play". I thought I would get a taste of your c**k in my mouth tonight, hopefully I will get to soon. And this went on and on. He didn't respond.

So he told me that there was a stream of other messages not as intense or vulgar on FB messenger that went on and if he didn't respond she would try calling him. These messages went on close enough to the time we got together.

Am I right to be pissed? I messaged her and told her she made him uncomfortable etc and that it was vile what came out of her mouth and she's nearly a married woman and not to message either of us again.

My bf chose to stay quiet because he's good friends with her partner and so he would just be civil to her to a degree when she calmed down with the messages. He absolutely hates cheating.

I don't want to look like the psycho girlfriend but as far as i'm concerned I know what her agenda is and she's no right to be drunken messaging him at 2am. She clearly doesn't give a s**t about her own relationship so she would have no trouble trying to come between mine.

Did I overreact or did I handle this situation okay?

LegacyUser · 22-04-2021 5:27pm

I found it odd he said nothing to her too. The fact he kept her text messages as proof if it ever came out but deleted the messenger ones seems a bit odd. He was cheated on before and it still affects him so I can't ever imagine him carrying on like that.

But i've had this conversation with him saying why didn't you tell her to f**k off and block her. Just ignore her etc. He reckons he decided it would be best for everyone if he said nothing.

I'm just annoyed because on the face of it her interaction with him since we got together could be fobbed off as innocent not knowing the previous history.

Princess Calla · 22-04-2021 5:52pm

In my opinion it's really up to your boyfriend to tell her to cop on and stop contacting him in this manner.

Are you sure absolutely nothing happened between them at some point. Those messages are pretty graphic to start a flirtation on, it would normally take a few back and forth messages or something actually physically happening before you'd get to that level.

You don't mention how long you and your boyfriend are together.

Obviously I know nothing about your boyfriend but these are the things I think of in these situations:
1. Something happened before you two met and he might be happy to revisit if you two break up.
2. He's getting an ego boost so doesn't actually want the messages to stop.
3. By allowing you to reply he has an out...he can always backtrack and say to her it was all you and he doesn't mind the messages etc.
4. I think him not responding speaks absolute volumes.

Loveinapril · 22-04-2021 6:15pm

I agree with Princess. If your boyfriend was uncomfortable, he should have been the one to communicate that, it wasn't your place. It has just created drama that will continue.

markmoto · 22-04-2021 6:19pm

Your boyfriend is guilty to some degree.
He gave some sort of indication in the past for that behavior being acceptable.

Taeholic · 22-04-2021 6:23pm

Notimeforthat wrote: »

Am I right to be pissed? I messaged her and told her she made him uncomfortable etc and that it was vile what came out of her mouth and she's nearly a married woman and not to message either of us again.

I don't want to look like the psycho girlfriend but as far as i'm concerned I know what her agenda is and she's no right to be drunken messaging him at 2am. She clearly doesn't give a s**t about her own relationship so she would have no trouble trying to come between mine.

Did I overreact or did I handle this situation okay?

You said this happened close enough to the time you got together, so I don't think its your place to say anything at all. If your boyfriend is actually uncomfortable with the texts then it's up to him to say that. Especially if it happened before you were even together.

Do you trust your boyfriend? If you do then it shouldn't matter what her agenda is. Yes definitely distance yourselves from his "friend" but I suspect there's more to it than that. Block her number if necessary. This woman is only a threat to your relationship if your boyfriend allows her to be.

LegacyUser · 22-04-2021 7:19pm

Taeholic wrote: »

You said this happened close enough to the time you got together, so I don't think its your place to say anything at all. If your boyfriend is actually uncomfortable with the texts then it's up to him to say that. Especially if it happened before you were even together.

Do you trust your boyfriend? If you do then it shouldn't matter what her agenda is. Yes definitely distance yourselves from his "friend" but I suspect there's more to it than that. Block her number if necessary. This woman is only a threat to your relationship if your boyfriend allows her to be.

She was drunk and messaged him at 2am 5 months in to our relationship. Knowing what I know now i'm not okay with that.

YellowLead · 22-04-2021 8:22pm

Have you very recently gotten together with your boyfriend? If it was me and it was a very new relationship I’d kind be out the door....

As others have said it’s very odd indeed that he didn’t ask her to stop...if they are really only just friends.

It’s sounds like something that has been going on for a long time between them, possibly on and off, and you need to decide if you are cool with a relationship where your boyfriend allows sexual come ons from his female friends. When I read your post first I thought it was her fiancé that was his friend.

LegacyUser · 22-04-2021 8:26pm

YellowLead wrote: »

Have you very recently gotten together with your boyfriend? If it was me and it was a very new relationship I’d kind be out the door....

As others have said it’s very odd indeed that he didn’t ask her to stop...if they are really only just friends.

It’s sounds like something that has been going on for a long time between them, possibly on and off, and you need to decide if you are cool with a relationship where your boyfriend allows sexual come ons from his female friends. When I read your post first I thought it was her fiancé that was his friend.

It is her fiancee that is his friend. But he became friends with her through him. I just don't appreciate the looking good comments and 2am message when I know she has an agenda. If it was normal friendship I wouldn't care less. We're together just over 7 months. But i've known him longer and he pursued me for a long time before that.

Yurt2 · 22-04-2021 8:31pm

Your boyfriend needs to straighten her out via message. If he's not doing that, you're in for a world of hurt.

LegacyUser · 22-04-2021 8:35pm

We've both blocked her on Social Media

leggo · 22-04-2021 11:28pm

I’m trying to put myself in your bf’s shoes and see what circumstances I’d react the same in. I’ve had mates whose girlfriends and exes have made comments I’ve thought were a bit off, but yeah never even close to that direct. Part of that is I’d keep firm boundaries and either blank the person or nip the behaviour in the bud early. But even without that, for a start it’s super risky on her part to send those messages because he could obviously just show his mate...so why isn’t she nervous about that?! Whether it’s a **** conversation or not, at that stage you kinda HAVE to tell your mate just to show you’re not complicit in it, yet he went along with it. I dunno, my spidey senses would be tingling here that he’s not being fully honest about all that.

But that was then and, whatever, if you weren’t together then it’s not really your business or relevant. It doesn’t seem like he’s done anything since you’re together, or at least you don’t have evidence of such.

As for whether you should’ve texted her...well I wouldn’t have. What’s it going to achieve beyond unnecessary drama? Are you going to change her? Is you texting her going to have any impact on how likely your bf is to cheat on you? Tbh I’d rather be single than find myself in a situation where I was texting someone telling them to leave my partner alone. It’a a bit messy, dramatic and emotionally immature carry on from all involved to tell the truth.

LegacyUser · 23-04-2021 7:25am

leggo wrote: »

I’m trying to put myself in your bf’s shoes and see what circumstances I’d react the same in. I’ve had mates whose girlfriends and exes have made comments I’ve thought were a bit off, but yeah never even close to that direct. Part of that is I’d keep firm boundaries and either blank the person or nip the behaviour in the bud early. But even without that, for a start it’s super risky on her part to send those messages because he could obviously just show his mate...so why isn’t she nervous about that?! Whether it’s a **** conversation or not, at that stage you kinda HAVE to tell your mate just to show you’re not complicit in it, yet he went along with it. I dunno, my spidey senses would be tingling here that he’s not being fully honest about all that.

But that was then and, whatever, if you weren’t together then it’s not really your business or relevant. It doesn’t seem like he’s done anything since you’re together, or at least you don’t have evidence of such.

As for whether you should’ve texted her...well I wouldn’t have. What’s it going to achieve beyond unnecessary drama? Are you going to change her? Is you texting her going to have any impact on how likely your bf is to cheat on you? Tbh I’d rather be single than find myself in a situation where I was texting someone telling them to leave my partner alone. It’a a bit messy, dramatic and emotionally immature carry on from all involved to tell the truth.

Maybe I shouldn't have messaged her but I despise people who carry on like that. And i'm not having that involved in my relationship. The whole thing just doesn't make sense.

YellowLead · 23-04-2021 9:01am

It’s seems odd that your boyfriend said it would be best for everyone if he said nothing, but also he blocked her on social media? Surely if they were friends it would have made more sense to ask her to stop first. She will obviously see he has blocked her. So he has blocked her on social but is he still going to answer her calls and talk to her, without mentioning this?

bitofabind · 23-04-2021 9:30am

Either your boyfriend has a major boundaries problem, or there's more to their relationship than he's letting on. How things can escalate from casual friends through her partner to that type of graphic chat is a big question mark.

You messaging her is out of order and just drama tbh, we all have to deal with interest from other people while we're in relationships but this is not your battle to fight. It's on your boyfriend to set a boundary and to decide what's an appropriate way to handle, an outlash from you and blocking on social media is going to get a little awkward considering her partner is a good friend of your boyfriend's and they'll continue to be in your lives.

YellowLead · 23-04-2021 10:06am

Notimeforthat wrote: »

Maybe I shouldn't have messaged her but I despise people who carry on like that. And i'm not having that involved in my relationship. The whole thing just doesn't make sense.

Unfortunately for you - it’s up to your bf to decide. It’s not just your relationship - it’s the two of you. And based on his decision then you can make your own choices. It’s all very new still.

Potatoeman · 23-04-2021 10:45am

Your bf has zero loyalty to his ‘long time friend’. Is he going to keep quiet when his friend marries this girl? That’s not a friend and the relationship is doomed from the start. If he is letting this carry on without telling the friend then what else is he not telling you?

The fact you know he disapproves of cheating but doesn’t tell his friend should set alarm bells off. So it’s fine when he gets these messages but doesn’t tell this long time friend, ...right, great friend.

LegacyUser · 23-04-2021 1:51pm

Potatoeman wrote: »

Your bf has zero loyalty to his ‘long time friend’. Is he going to keep quiet when his friend marries this girl? That’s not a friend and the relationship is doomed from the start. If he is letting this carry on without telling the friend then what else is he not telling you?

The fact you know he disapproves of cheating but doesn’t tell his friend should set alarm bells off. So it’s fine when he gets these messages but doesn’t tell this long time friend, ...right, great friend.

Maybe he just hates it when it's done to him

bitofabind · 23-04-2021 2:52pm

I agree with the above too. I get that these situations are precarious and sometimes friendships can be damaged when people decide to blame the messenger. But if a close friend of mine was engaged to a man that was stalking me online and sending me completely crude messages like that, I'm not sure I could look myself in the mirror if I let that friend walk down the aisle and commit her life to this person. Especially if I was someone that "absolutely hates cheating".

If he really hates cheating, why hasn't he challenged her on it?

Yurt2 · 23-04-2021 3:05pm

bitofabind wrote: »

Either your boyfriend has a major boundaries problem, or there's more to their relationship than he's letting on. How things can escalate from casual friends through her partner to that type of graphic chat is a big question mark.

I think we're getting warm with this interpretation.

spaceHopper · 23-04-2021 3:12pm

Your BF knows his friend and sometimes people shoot the messenger so he didn't want to tell him that his misses was coming onto him so he let it slide. she's been told to feck off and he hasn't done anything wrong on you so I think you should let it go.

Potatoeman · 23-04-2021 3:17pm

spaceHopper wrote: »

Your BF knows his friend and sometimes people shoot the messenger so he didn't want to tell him that his misses was coming onto him so he let it slide. she's been told to feck off and he hasn't done anything wrong on you so I think you should let it go.

Problem with that is he can show the messages and be clear he didn’t do anything and is warning him. Saying she came onto him with no proof is different.

It’s very strange he has a problem with cheating but turns a blind eye to this and doesn’t tell his friend.

YellowLead · 23-04-2021 3:22pm

I just re read your first post. Somehow I missed that she sent those sexual messages BEFORE you guys got together. So I don’t know what the problem is, he didn’t do anything wrong. Sure it is questionable as to whether he should tell his friend or not, but either way it’s nothing to do with your relationship to him now.

Big Bag of Chips · 23-04-2021 3:52pm

Notimeforthat wrote: »

I messaged her and told her she made him uncomfortable etc and that it was vile what came out of her mouth and she's nearly a married woman and not to message either of us again.

Do you think your bf needs you fighting his corner? If he had a problem in work would you get involved? This was nothing to do with you. It happened before you got together. He handled it the way he thought was best, and the (inappropriate) messages stopped. Yes, the messages she sent were highly inappropriate. But, he was single at the time, even if she wasn't, and he dealt with in his own way.

Its fine that you're not impressed. It's fine that you don't like her. But, in my opinion, it's not fine that you intervened. They're his friends, and he was dealing with it. You may not be happy with how he's dealing with it but you should have brought that up with him, not her.

Taeholic · 23-04-2021 4:20pm

Notimeforthat wrote: »

She was drunk and messaged him at 2am 5 months in to our relationship. Knowing what I know now i'm not okay with that.

Maybe I misreading itThe message she sent him when you were together wasn't inappropriate, as you said it was hey how are you etc While I understand that given the context of her previous messages it doesn't sit right with you. That's totally understandable but it's still not your place to tell her not to text you or your boyfriend.

Caranica · 23-04-2021 8:31pm

OP, the only relationship you should be working on is yours with your boyfriend, not his with anyone else. If you trust him there's no issue, if you don't you need to worry about him not about her. You had absolutely no place messaging her.

forestgirl · 23-04-2021 10:00pm

I think your boyfriend is afraid to open his mouth ðŸ‘„ ,why could that be one wonders?? Is he afraid she has something to say?

qwerty13 · 24-04-2021 2:24am

If her messages coming on to him were before your relationship started, you have way overstepped the boundaries by telling her that she was vile or vulgar.

I don’t understand why your BF didn’t tell her to cease and desist, given that she’s with a good friend of his. It sounds like both you and he have boundary issues, in different ways. Yours are controlling, but his are avoiding.

I do find it hard to believe that given the fruity descriptions that she used, that he has never ever engaged at all. But who knows, maybe she gets her kicks from trying to shock people.

This woman is not your battle OP. Your issue is between yourself and your BF, and is down to trust and communication between the two of you. He has an issue to deal with with you, and a separate issue to deal with re his friend’s GF coming on to him. It sounds like he’s alarmingly passive about both sets of issues.

Riesen_Meal · 24-04-2021 10:33am

forestgirl wrote: »

I think your boyfriend is afraid to open his mouth ðŸ‘„ ,why could that be one wonders?? Is he afraid she has something to say?

Exactly, sounds like she wasn't afraid to open her mouth to him judging by these texts she sent him...

I think there is more to this than meets the eye, sounds like he had a fling with her before he met the OP and there was something going on...

Now he is with the poster he is now backtracking, he should have ended it properly between the two of them before meeting the OP and getting involved with her...

Sounds fishy, I would run a mile if I were you...

Homelander · 24-04-2021 11:44am

"Are you coming out to play". I thought I would get a taste of your c**k in my mouth tonight

You actually think these were out of the blue messages with zero foundation, from your partners good friends fiancee?

Sounds to me that while he didn't cheat on you, he most certainly was ****ing around with his friends fiancee at some stage and now he's deeply embarrassed by it and wants it to go away.

Tork · 24-04-2021 2:34pm

Your boyfriend doesn't sound like he's much of a friend or a partner, to be honest. Why would this woman be sending him explicit texts like that if the pair of them didn't have a history? The only question here is when (not if) they were last intimate? My take on it is that the pair of them f****ed around behind his friend's back - some pal he is! I wouldn't rule out them screwing around behind your back too. Your boyfriend is acting like a guilty man who knows he's sitting on a bomb. Simply blocking this woman on social media isn't going to solve the underlying issues here. It's an easy solution because he knows that if he says something to her, anything could happen.

The bigger question here is if you want to continue in a relationship with somebody who doesn't have much moral fibre. Is he really the man you thought he was?

Long time friend of bf tried to cheat with him

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