The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

byrner88 · 23-01-2020 2:44am

I went up to a homeless man as I came out of a pub last night and said, "What would you say if I asked you to come back to my house for a few drinks and a 3 course meal in front of the fireplace?"

"I'd say yes," he replied.

"Exactly," I said, shaking my head and walking away, "What the **** is wrong with women these days?"

TheBody · 23-01-2020 4:14am

I've got some racing geese for sale. Let me know if you want a quick gander.

byrner88 · 24-01-2020 1:39am

A Group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hurley’s in Rathmines because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini-skirts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where
they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hurley’s in Rathmines because the waitresses were attractive the food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.

Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hurley’s in Rathmines because there was plenty of parking, they
could dine in peace and quiet with no loud music, and it was good value for money.

Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hurley’s in Rathmines because the restaurant was wheelchair
accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.

Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they try Hurley’s in Rathmines because they had never been there before.

joeguevara · 25-01-2020 2:56pm

When is the Sun going to call it Kung Flu.

fryup · 25-01-2020 3:09pm

what goes great with a Coronavirus?

Lime disease

(too soon?)

blinding · 25-01-2020 3:12pm

joeguevara wrote: »

When is the Sun going to call it Kung Flu.

Flu Manchu !

joeguevara · 25-01-2020 4:34pm

blinding wrote: »

Flu Manchu !

Cracker..

Also, note to myself, when ordering a Chinese takeaway they don’t like asking for it to be left on doorstep and slipping money under front door

New Home · 25-01-2020 4:36pm

Will Coronavirus eclipse all other flu viruses?

tayto lover · 25-01-2020 11:08pm

New Home wrote: »

Will Coronavirus eclipse all other flu viruses?

I didn’t feel too good the day after a feed of it.

byrner88 · 26-01-2020 12:20am

As it's Burns Night and Chinese New Year, I was going to avoid calling it Chinese Burns Night, but someone twisted my arm.

byrner88 · 26-01-2020 9:24am

Dave the Scouser is touring the USA. Along the way, he stops off at a remote bar in the Nevada desert and chats to the bartender when he spots a Red Indian in full tribal dress seated in the corner of the bar.

"Blimey!" remarks Dave. "Who's he?"

"Gee, that's the memory man," replies the bartender. "He knows everything there is to know. Got a memory like an elephant, he can remember any fact. Heck, go and try him out!"

Dave heads over to the Red Indian, thinking that he can outsmart him with a question about English football.

He asks the memory man, "Who won the 1965 FA cup final?"

"Liverpool," came the instantaneous reply.

Dave was stunned. He tried again asking, "Who did they beat?"

"Leeds," replied the memory man.

Dave tried once more asking, "What was the final score?"

The wise Red Indian didn't hesitate in answering, "2-1."

Dave thinks he'll get smart, asking the memory man for the name of the winning goal scorer. Without so much as blinking, the Red Indian says, "Ian St John."

Dave is stunned and returns home to Liverpool, where he tells everyone about the Red Indian. Dave's curiosity lingers, and he vows to return to America and pay his respects to the Indian. Ten years later, Dave finally saved up enough money to return and, after weeks of searching the Nevada desert, once more he finds the Red Indian, now in a cave.

Humbled by the Red Indian, Dave steps forward, bows, and greets the brave in his traditional tongue.

"How," Dave says.

The memory man squints at him and replies, "A diving header in the six-yard box."

byrner88 · 26-01-2020 7:35pm

If anything good comes out of Global Warming it will be that in a few years time Dancing on Ice won't be on the ****ing TV.

joeguevara · 26-01-2020 7:46pm

I think I've contracted the Corona virus.

I drank 20 bottles of the stuff then 5hat myself!

Mr Tibbs · 27-01-2020 3:02pm

I went into Ann Somers and bought a pair of sexy knickers and bra. The assistant said, a surprise for the wife
It will be if she catches me wearing them I replied

Capt'n Midnight · 29-01-2020 12:32am

People say that I'm a bad person....

but I reckon they're just jealous that they can't kick pigeons as far as I can.

TheChevron · 29-01-2020 7:39am

If anyone is interested I'm selling all my John Lennon memorabilia on Ebay. Imagine all the PayPal.

blade1 · 29-01-2020 6:34pm

coolhull · 30-01-2020 8:38pm

A lawyer went duck hunting in rural Ireland. He shot and
dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence to claim his bird, an elderly farmer
drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The attorney responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now
I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am the best lawyer in Dublin,and, if you don't let me retrieve that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes here in the countryside .We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'"
The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to
go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The lawyer, quickly thought about the proposed contest and, being the
person he was, decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the lawyer . His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick was to the midriff.
It sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.
The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear-end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pat.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and remaining strength and very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his
jacket, he said, "Okay, you o-o-old ... ma-ma-man! Now it's my tu-tu-turn!"
The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."

Sheridan81 · 30-01-2020 8:43pm

Don't like it when celebrities jump on the religious bandwagon just to preach and appear trendy. A Christ is for life not just for dogmas.

-Chris Turner

M.T. Cranium · 30-01-2020 9:51pm

My karma ran over your dogma.

Oscar1978 · 31-01-2020 11:28pm

coolhull wrote: »

A lawyer went duck hunting in rural Ireland. He shot and
dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence to claim his bird, an elderly farmer
drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The attorney responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now
I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am the best lawyer in Dublin,and, if you don't let me retrieve that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes here in the countryside .We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'"
The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to
go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The lawyer, quickly thought about the proposed contest and, being the
person he was, decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the lawyer . His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick was to the midriff.
It sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.
The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear-end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pat.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and remaining strength and very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his
jacket, he said, "Okay, you o-o-old ... ma-ma-man! Now it's my tu-tu-turn!"
The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."

.........

A lad is out shooting ducks one day and shoots down three of the finest. On the way back to the car he's stopped by the warden who's English.

Warden: I hope you've a licence for shooting those ducks.
Hunter: I sure do.
Warden taking the first duck, sticks his finger up the ducks hole and says this duck is from Holland have you a licence for shooting ducks from Holland? The Hunter pulls out a Dutch licence. Warden takes the second duck and same thing finger ... hole ... this duck is from Argentina have you a licence for shooting ducks from Argentina and sure enough the hunter pulls out a licence for shooting ducks from Argentina. He takes the third duck same routine and says " this duck is from Tasmania , have you a licence for shooting ducks from Tasmania?" Sure enough the hunter has the licence.
Warden : I've never met anyone who's a licence for every duck they've shot , where you from yourself?

Hunter: .... *dropping the pants and cacks* you're the expert you tell me !!!

joeguevara · 01-02-2020 9:28pm

I learned two things today.

Firstly my kn0b is twice the length of an Argos pen.

Secondly, I’m barred from Argos.

byrner88 · 02-02-2020 2:18am

I went fishing at the weekend and there was this bloke splashing about in the middle of the lake shouting, "I can't swim! I can't swim!"

"It's alright, mate," I shouted, pointing at a nearby sign, "It says no swimming anyway".

byrner88 · 02-02-2020 2:21am

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.
The pump attendant, who obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are those?, asks the attendant.
"They're called tees" replies Tiger.
"Well, what on the god's earth are they
for?" inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
"Feckin Hell", says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything !

byrner88 · 02-02-2020 3:30am

A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you...don't bother coming after me" Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom. She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note...

After a few minutes he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone... "She's finally gone...yeah I know, about bloody time, I'm coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie. I love you...can't wait to see you...we'll do all the naughty things you like."

He hung up, grabbed his keys and left. She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed. Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote..."I can see your feet. We're outta bread: be back in five minutes."

Capt'n Midnight · 02-02-2020 6:49pm

An Authoritarian goes into a bar and starts ordering everyone a round.

Oscar1978 · 03-02-2020 1:48am

byrner88 wrote: »

I went fishing at the weekend and there was this bloke splashing about in the middle of the lake shouting, "I can't swim! I can't swim!"

"It's alright, mate," I shouted, pointing at a nearby sign, "It says no swimming anyway".

(Not my handywork)
I was at the beach today and could see a fella in the water struggling and thrashing about screaming "help , shark, help !!!" .... I started laughing to myself, I knew that shark wasn't gonna help him.

byrner88 · 04-02-2020 2:23am

Paddy: "Would you like to buy my dog?"
Mick : "What kind is it?"
Paddy: "It's a Dalmatian."
Mick : "Is it clean?"
Paddy: "Spotless."

TheChevron · 04-02-2020 11:29am

I got some anti gloating cream off the doctor. All I want to do is rub it in.

Capt'n Midnight · 04-02-2020 8:20pm

I became addicted to brake fluid because I thought I could stop anytime.

The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

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