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Shocked By Conversation With Wife
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21-07-2019 1:06pm#1My wife and I know each other 20 years and are happily married with kids.
We were out having a few drinks the weekend when we got talking all the sexual assault / abuse cases coming to light in the past year.
My wife then said to me 'sure all girls have been assaulted at some point even I was a few times'.
I was very surprised and asked her when.
She told me they were all around the time she was 16.
Her and her friend used to go to a known pub in Dublin where they let underage people in.
She said one night a guy and her were kissing in an out of the way part of this place.
He then basically grabbed her, pushed and down and made her give him Oral Sex.
She said it only lasted maybe 10 seconds until she got him away.
The most surprising thing is she just shrugs this off and says sure all fellas were like that back then and it happened all the time to girls.
She also said a few times fellas would force themselves on her when kissing them and hold her down and put their fingers inside her. She said 'it was easily back then to just let them do it and would eventually go away'.
I was a very shy and quiet lad when I was that age and didn't go to pubs and really meet girls until I was 18. I am completely in sock at this conversation. I asked her did she tell anybody about what that first guy did to her and she said she told her friend. But again they seemed to just shrug this off.
I am a very open minded person and it take a lot to shock me but I cannot stop thing about this. I want to find this creep but she has no idea who he was.
Just wanted to know if I am over reacting as it was over 20 years ago? Was this the norm with young girls?
Any advice would be great.1
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I can’t speak if that was the norm for the majority of women back then, but whether it was or not, your wife telling herself it was allows her to shrug it off and cope with her day-to-day life. Of course it’s shocking to hear that she’s been through this, but if she seems fine then I’d just leave it be. It’s not your place to deal with it in any way, it’s not something that affects your relationship or life, and bringing it up or trying to do anything about it could only risk unsettling how your wife deals with it. So I’d say just process it and let it go. You won’t find these people, your wife seems fine and is obviously in a good situation now, no good will come from anything else. And, if there is something to be done, let it come from your wife and just support her through whatever she decides.0
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I'm not sure if there is anything you (or she) can do now - 20 years, no physical evidence - and I'm not sure if there is any point dwelling on it if she doesn't see any benefit to it.
As to whether it was common, I would say that yes it was. It's also partly why Metoo gained so much traction - so many women and girls know the feeling and therefore can relate. I was never assaulted to the point your wife was, never had anything stuck into me thankfully, but the number of times I was groped, breasts squeezed, hands between the legs etc is huge. The first time it happened to me I must have been under 10, following my parents and getting off the bus, and a man an the steps behind me groped me between the legs asking me in my ear "do you like it". I just kept going and never told anyone because I was shellshocked and also primed by First Communion preparations no less, when they were asking you about having unclean thoughts etc. I never told my parents but I actually told the priest in my next confession as if it was something I caused! The extent of brainwashing we went through was unreal.
Later on you would know to deflect attention, "be nice" but keep your distance, never ever stay behind at house parties, not to go to any boys house to study etc. Later on again you would learn to watch out for (admittedly low level by that time) creeps at work. All because you would have seen things or heard stories of what happened to your friends or their circles.
I don't know the extent of it now, thankfully I am aging out of a lot of interactions and I can also stand up for myself a lot better, but looking at the levels of abuse reported think about the levels unreported...
If you want to do something - react immediately to anything dodgy you see and ask your wife to teach you to read the signs from a woman's perspective. And raise your children differently if they are still young - discuss these things with them unblinkingly and with actual scenarios, not just "be respectful" or "don't bow to pressure".0 -
It’s good you’re shocked. I’m not. A lot of sh1t went down and was shrugged off as “well maybe you shouldn’t have lead him on / been in the pub in the first place / worn that dress” until very recent times, and sadly that mentality still exists among certain demographics and even within our justice system.
There are certain things that I’ve shrugged off as “sh1t happens” in the same vein as your wife going back decades. Am I secretly traumatised and repressing such memories as a coping mechanism? No. I’m pretty emotionally robust and self aware. There just was no other option at the time but to minimise and file in the “****ing creep” folder and move on. I’ve also been really lucky to have some great male role models and to know that these are not the actions of good men or indeed most men.
You sound like a good man. Your wife may have processed these things in a similar way to me - minimise, distance herself from the memories and move on. If you think there’s a chance they’ve affected her more deeply, perhaps it warrants having another frank conversation. But IME there’s a good chance this is something she’s got perspective on and she’s been able to compartmentalise and isolate as just one of those things that happened decades ago that we had no language for until recently.0 -
When I was a teenager (in early thirties now) plenty of guys tried the ol push your hands, push their hands stuff. As an adult in bars, I've had my arse grabbed boobs grabbed even my face grabbed countless times. A couple of slaps hVe been given in response. The usual response after that is ugly b%tch or effin slut. Has happen me in other countries one time I was groped on India during a large march being on and many many men around and right in front of my husband, frightening...
Welcome to being a woman0 -
It was very common, it doesn't mean it was right. Other things that would have been unthinkable back then like unsolicited dick pics, revenge porn are very common now, and also not right.
Your reaction so far is emotional rather than material, you're not out there looking for someone to beat up or anything. I don't think reacting with shock and protectiveness is overreacting at all. However you are going to have to adjust your expectations, you're not going to be able to find any of these guys.
Are you hesitant to talk more with your wife about this? If so is there anyone else you could bounce these feelings off? Fyi sorry but any woman you're close to who you talk to about this will probably have similar stories so bear that in mind.
You say you have kids, please do apply the perspective you've gotten here to how you show and teach them about this aspect of life. You're a decent man, like most men, I'm not saying you'd impart bad perspectives but being actively conscious of this is important. Whatever your own dad did with you, do with them, bearing in mind the role of porn, social media etc.0 -
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I can only echo what the other women here have said - I also firmly believe that 99% of women my age and older could tell similar stories.
Now the oral sex incident sounds extreme but I've definitly had lads trying to get their hands inside my knickers or grab me by my breasts. Let alone the random arse slapping and other groping in pubs/clubs that was prevalent. I also had some bad experiences in my younger years that I was totally illequpt to deal with. At the Gaeltacht aged 13, I was lunged at on the way home, straight grab at my breasts as well as shoving his tongue down my throat. Completely from nowhere. I freaked out and pushed him back so hard that he fell into a ditch. I never did anything about it because my assumption back then was that because he was popular, making a complaint about him would have been social suicide.
This is only one example but throughout my teens and early twenties it wasnt uncommon for boys/men to overstep. I might have agreed to a kiss, but that doesn't equate to your hand in my pants or mind forcibly shoved down yours.
Like others have said, when you rebuked such advances, you were an ugly bitch, a lesbian or frigid.
I also remember being followed around an Italian city when on holiday with my parents. I was maybe 15 years old and and this man must have been 30+. He deliberately stayed out of my parents line of site but managed to pop up in front of my about 7/8 times, each time making lude gestures such as flicking his tongue between two fingers (basically the international signal for oral sex) which to 15 year old me was not something I had the language to talk to my parents about. I just stuck to my mother like glue, but never said anything. I was mortified and freaked out and just wanted to go home.
I only know now as an adult that silence only enables creeps like the above. I wouldnt say I'm traumatised (or by extension that your wife is either) like the others, we've found ways of compartmentalizing these experiences and moving along with our lives.
There is literally Zero point in you channeling Liam Neeson and going on some wild goose chase to find these men - you won't. But what you can do is call out any bad behavior you see in your life and raise your kids to be better than our generation.
It really annoys me to hear people (mostly men) say that the Me Too movement is nothing but PC gone mad and just radical feminists/social justice warriors. You know now that it isnt, so challenge this perception if you hear it, and basically just be the best man you can be for your wife in 2019.0 -
Its very common OP. My grandmother had stories my mom has stories my aunts and cousins have stories.
So do I. So do all my friends.
I can totally understand how hearing something bad happening to a loved one can traumatize you. I totally get that.
I can understand that you wish you could go back in time and protect her. I understand wanting to have some kind of justice for her and to see justice served to the guy.
I will give you a warning though.
Sometimes loved ones can become obsessed with traumatic events that happen to their family. Whether it be their mothers or fathers or grandparents or children or like you your wife.
Its not something people talk about but I have seen people become obsessed with knowing every detail of say their Dad having grown up in a christian brothers home or something like that. Or of abuse their parent or wife suffered in their childhood.
Its sort of like its a piece of the puzzle to that person that when you analyze it makes sense and you can see a lot of the seeds for some issues in the home.
I am not sure if this rings true for you. But i know its known in psychology that children of survivors of abuse become very emotionally affected by it even though it didn't happen to them. And they can't explain why so they become kind of obsessed.
I've seen people make huge life decisions to be the protector etc that wasn't there by becoming police officers or teachers etc.
So no its not unusual for YOU to be very genuinely emotionally damaged and traumatized by what has happened to your wife. Its very real and counselors etc recognize this.
I know people will tell you to be there for your wife etc. And of course you should and I know you will be.
But its ok to be there for yourself in this too and maybe talk to someone who might help you understand the feelings you are having.
And every single person who has ever had a loved one hurt deeply is feeling or has felt the exact same way. You just keep thinking about it over and over. Not just thinking it. You feel it over and over.
My love to your wife and yourself.0 -
'Just wanted to know if I am over reacting as it was over 20 years ago? Was this the norm with young girls?'
'Any advice would be great.'
I'm very sorry that your wife had that experience, OP.
I'm not 100% clear in relation to what you are actually seeking advice on?
How will it help you/ your wife to know if this was 'the norm with young girls?'
Genuine question.0 -
Yes, it was relatively common. A lot of women have accepted it and gotten on with life.
I don’t think there’s much point in getting angry at a man she’d barely remember from 20 years ago. She’s with you now, she chose you, and that’s what matters. Do your best to raise your kids well so that this messing will die out.0 -
Join Date:Posts: 25439
Yeah, same here, your wife is right. I can't actually count all the times that something happened to me that would qualify as a #metoo issue, but I can tell you that I can count about 10 alone that happened when I was underage. If I counted all the things that happened after that, it would be far far more. Friends would have had many similar experiences.
But I don't need a white knight twenty years on wanting to go out and bate the sh!te out of someone to appease his own anger just because it happened to someone he cares about. It was the way it was, it did leave some of us with lingering issues and thankfully a fair bit of it is publically unacceptable today.
But it wasn't the one faceless nameless lad doing all the sexual assaults on us all. The truth of it is that the fella who forced your girlfriend could have been any one of your friends. It's Brian that you know from your schooldays who makes a beeline for the drunkest girl at every party and takes her upstairs when you all know she's too drunk to consent but you say and do nothing. It's hilarious Donal who shares the photos of his naked ex girlfriend on whatsapp and you all comment on her body. It's Sean at work who makes sexual comments the new girls's nice tits and what he'd like to do to them. It's Mark your friend's flatmate who pesters and gropes a woman who's clearly told him she's not interested. Many men see those friends of theirs treat women badly in front of them and still consider them sound lads. Those are the ones who do the more serious things in private. My point is that if low level sexual assault is common and commonplace amongst women then there has to be a correlation in the amount of perpetrators and that you more than likely know at least a few of them and consider them sound out.
Before the NAMALT crowd jump in, I know that. There are many men and you sound like you'd be one of them - that have a nice group of friends who aren't apes and treat all women with consideration and respect. But many more think that the low level stuff is harmless and a bit of craic, but it's not. The man who sticks his hand up a passing womans' skirt is a predator but the friends who find his behaviour acceptable or even funny are complicit and for that to fully change also needs the men to tell their friends it's not cool when the've crossed the line with any woman, not just when it happens to happen to a woman they personally know.0 -
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I think your reaction is a natural one, especially for us males. God knows, if someone abused anyone I was close to I would also want to beat that person with their own limbs. But reactions are just that - reactions.
How you manage that reaction and then move forward is within your control, and as said above, swooping in like some white knight will only appease your own anger over someone you love being mistreated. It won't help them forget it, it won't help them get past it, and in this case (where your partner outwardly appears to have moved on from it a long time ago anyway) it will actually magnify the issue, which is somewhat self-defeating.
The best thing you can do here is ensure your partner knows you're there for her if she ever needs to talk about it or deal with it in any shape and form, and be that reassurance for her.
As to your original question, yes it probably was somewhat commonplace. Men who abuse or mistreat women and children sicken me and I've never been in that position, but I've been at nights out and parties and things and seen it happen often. Even got involved in a fight with an idiot at work when I caught him physically hurting a random female after a work party one night, thankfully he's now long gone. I know that sounds fairly contradictory to what I'm preaching above but it was one of those situations where there was nothing to do but intervene in the 5 or 10 second window in which it happened.
I'd like to be optimistic and say that general awareness and such has improved now and men are more respectful in general, but one look at the papers on any given day would tell me I'm probably wrong.0 -
strandroad wrote: », but the number of times I was groped, breasts squeezed, hands between the legs etc is huge. The first time it happened to me I must have been under 10, following my parents and getting off the bus, and a man an the steps behind me groped me between the legs asking me in my ear "do you like it".
Bloody hell. Maybe Im naive but I didnt know this actually went on. Maybe in a place like India, but didnt think it went on here. I guess you just dont know how the other half actually experiences the world when it comes right down to it. 10 year old girls should not be exposed to sh1t like that, those men were warped human beings.0 -
It's happened to me more times than I can remember. I've spoken about it with female friends and it's happened to them to. Everything from a sexual comment to rape.
If we got affected by everything that happens to us we'd be basket cases. Personally I've had one experience that required professional help, the rest I've had to compartmentalise so I can have some semblance of a normal life. This would include, at worse, a man forcing his hand inside me.
There was a time we were told we had to just accept this type of thing, it's getting better now I can identify with your wife. There is nothing to be done about it now.
All you can do is use it as a teachable moment. Women are regularly subjected to unwanted sexual advances and we have learnt a coping mechanism.0 -
OP it's one of those moments in life that you see through the looking glass and realise life is not like you think it is. I had a similarly horrific experience where my young adult daughter told me about what kind of stuff goes on in her world. Don't have anything else to offer.0
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Bloody hell. Maybe Im naive but I didnt know this actually went on. Maybe in a place like India, but didnt think it went on here. I guess you just dont know how the other half actually experiences the world when it comes right down to it. 10 year old girls should not be exposed to sh1t like that, those men were warped human beings.
I was about the same age first time I got groped. In the late 90s. In Dublin. Walking beside my mother. And same, I didn't know what to do so I just said nothing. Not an uncommon age/experience.
This stuff is never as common as it is when you're a young girl/teen. It's actually for me one of the most infuriating parts of it, by the time you get to the point where you're able to respond to it with "you're about to lose that fcuking hand, mate!" it peters off. I've seen men surmise that this is obviously because your looks are fading at that point. But it's because it's deliberately predatory behaviour.0 -
The childhood sexual abuse survivor's charity One In Four is so named because it's estimated that one in four people in the country were sexually abused as a child. I personally wouldn't be surprised if this number was higher (especially regarding certain generations). Add in the number of (mostly women, but some men) sexually assaulted as adults, and you really have a sizable percentage of the population.
As a man who (thankfully) went through my entire life without such a thing happening to me, I was shocked when I first started hearing the experiences of friends and partners as I grew up. But nothing shocks me about it any more - I've heard so many stories directly from so many people. Sickens me yes, but doesn't shock me.
This is what the Me Too movement is all about. It's not a trendy hash tag. It's a fact that there's a massive number of people in all our lives - people we all know and love - that were sexually abused in some form at some stage of their life, and it's something that isn't properly recognised by society at large. Even now that it is being talked about, it's dismissed by some.
It's not an unusual reaction to want to go all Liam Neeson and get physical revenge, but it's not realistic and it's actually not helpful - you end up making it more about you and your anger than what your wife went though. Best thing you can do is support your wife in any way she needs - and usually women don't need a knight in shining armour that will slay their dragons.
Start by listening, and take it from there. Some people need counseling, some people can handle it by themselves. Some people were abused by a total stranger, some by family members they may still have to be in contact with (which is exceptionally traumatic). Some by both. Not everyone has the ability to go to the Gardaí about what happened to them - either because of the results of the passage of time, or the added trauma it will cause them to do so. No matter what their choices, stance or position on what they want to do and how they handle it (assuming it isn't self-destructive), support them.0 -
Bloody hell. Maybe Im naive but I didnt know this actually went on. Maybe in a place like India, but didnt think it went on here. I guess you just dont know how the other half actually experiences the world when it comes right down to it. 10 year old girls should not be exposed to sh1t like that, those men were warped human beings.
I'm glad that this thread is opening your eyes, honestly.
I agree with electro-bitch that the actual groping was the worst in your young teenage years. Why wouldn't you cop a feel if the girl looked meek and reporting wasn't a thing. But I think that the real danger manifests itself later: at least as a child or young teen you always have some adults around, you'd have to be targeted by a predator to come to serious harm. But when you're an older teen to young student, you are now on your own with no adults around, and also alcohol makes its appearance. This is when you can get seriously assaulted or raped, within your own extended social circle which makes it even worse in terms of reporting or believing the victims.0 -
I’m not young. And I don’t think I’ve experienced the worst of what women I know have described.
It is awful, truly awful, that we - as women - write it off. But that’s what we all did back in the day. Look, nothing dreadful ever happened to me, but I remember being pinned on a Nitelink, about 18 years old and very naive, while a lecherous git around 20 yrs older felt my leg and tried to run his hand higher. I remember freezing in utter horror and just not knowing what to do. No he didn’t “assault”me. He scared the crap outta me, made me feel weird and like ****, made me afraid, made me feel so weird that I was freaked out when I next had sex with my BF
It really does take women and men pulling either sex upon bad behaviour. For what it’s worth, I’ve seen nights out where women of my acquaintance feel that it’s funny to grope a younger man, or make remarks - it’s NOT.0 -
I stopped going to regular nightclubs or packed late bars in my twenties because of the groping. It could be horrendous in some places.0
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strandroad wrote: »Why wouldn't you cop a feel if the girl looked meek and reporting wasn't a thing.
Because you're not a perverted POS.0 -
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I don't think there are many women who haven't been sexually harassed or assaulted to some extent. Your wife's experiences are at the more extreme end of the scale but they're not so out there that they won't shock any woman. That's quite a disturbing thing to think about, especially if you are the parent of a little girl.
Perhaps the most important thing to bear in mind here is that it didn't damage your wife significantly. She went on to meet you and (I assume) have a normal healthy relationship with you. And maybe when these things happen as random one-offs with strangers, it's different to regular sex abuse.0 -
It really does take women and men pulling either sex upon bad behaviour. For what it’s worth, I’ve seen nights out where women of my acquaintance feel that it’s funny to grope a younger man, or make remarks - it’s NOT.
That's a good point, whilst I'm sure statistically that there's more recorded instances of males harassing females, it does happen the other way round too - more than people think.
I worked in a bar when I was 17-20 and had numerous run-in's with lecherous and usually older drunk females grabbing my groin or bum. One spent at least 30 mins one night at closing time trying to convince me to go back to hers. I laughed it off and it's had no long lasting effects, but with someone shy, anxious or self-conscious it can have a detrimental impact. But there remains a perception amongst many that men will appreciate unwelcome advances because we're supposedly all sex-mad, and women are the opposite.0 -
Happened a lot with both men and women when I worked in the pubs women would think nothing of trying to put a had down your trousers and it got a great laugh from the group she was with and getting your arsed grabbed was also a regular thing...
I know from speaking to my wife and knowing her over 20 years it was very common for girls to be touched up groped when out socialising I have witnessed it in the past myself...it was put up with back then and looked on as a harmless bit of fun and if girls showed any bit of skin people including other women would say you were asking for it.
Countless times my wife’s arse and chest have been grabbed when out .. and countless times she was called stuck up when she followed up with a slap across the face or a drink over the head but she never let it go unchecked and would fairly loudly let them know they were out of order.0 -
I do think young lads are better these days though. At some point a few years ago I stopped reflexively bracing myself when walking alone and having to pass groups of lads in the 18-24 age group. Maybe I just aged out of their cat-calling demographic but there does seem to be less of that menacing energy of young fellas nowadays compared to even ten years ago. It just doesn't seem as socially acceptable to blatantly publicly harass women and more socially acceptable for boys to present themselves and interact with the world in a way that would have been called "gay" in my day, i.e. not being some macho maniac.
I dunno, could be total naivety and I'm sure every woman will still have something happen to her at some point but I think there is reason to be hopeful about the poor maligned millenials.0 -
Now the oral sex incident sounds extreme...
I'm inclined to agree. Groping and lewd comments I can accept are common but I think that what happened there is not really something I would say is common.But it wasn't the one faceless nameless lad doing all the sexual assaults on us all. The truth of it is that the fella who forced your girlfriend could have been any one of your friends. It's Brian that you know from your schooldays who makes a beeline for the drunkest girl at every party and takes her upstairs when you all know she's too drunk to consent but you say and do nothing. It's hilarious Donal who shares the photos of his naked ex girlfriend on whatsapp and you all comment on her body. It's Sean at work who makes sexual comments the new girls's nice tits and what he'd like to do to them. It's Mark your friend's flatmate who pesters and gropes a woman who's clearly told him she's not interested. Many men see those friends of theirs treat women badly in front of them and still consider them sound lads. Those are the ones who do the more serious things in private. My point is that if low level sexual assault is common and commonplace amongst women then there has to be a correlation in the amount of perpetrators and that you more than likely know at least a few of them and consider them sound out.
Before the NAMALT crowd jump in, I know that. There are many men and you sound like you'd be one of them - that have a nice group of friends who aren't apes and treat all women with consideration and respect. But many more think that the low level stuff is harmless and a bit of craic, but it's not. The man who sticks his hand up a passing womans' skirt is a predator but the friends who find his behaviour acceptable or even funny are complicit and for that to fully change also needs the men to tell their friends it's not cool when the've crossed the line with any woman, not just when it happens to happen to a woman they personally know.
The problem with characterisations such as these, in my opinion, with the exception of the work one you describe, is that they fall far short of the real dynamics in play in such groups.
In work, people are forced together with colleagues who may not share their moral outlook. Work also has an organisational hierarchy that is different from the social hierarchy (you may be popular in work but not have any power, whereas popularity is power in your other social groups). This means that people, men and women, may be inclined to let things slide with work colleagues that they wouldn't with friends; for fear of reprimand or ostracisation. And speaking personally, most people don't want you to speak up; in my experience women dismissed it all as a bit of fun and men waited patiently for me to state my objections before resuming their behaviour; don't assume that because I'm a man (and this goes for all men) that other men give a flying f*ck what I think about their behaviour because they mostly don't.
For our friends and other social groups it's different. We do choose to be around them. And we usually choose people with similar moral outlooks to ourselves. So if there's a WhatsApp group where a guy is sharing nudes of his ex and his friends are commenting on them it's because they're comfortable with that; they aren't sitting on in secret judgement. They would probably share such photos themselves but don't, either because they don't have any or because they are afraid of getting caught and the consequences. We're often told when men ask questions about women's behaviour on boards that they aren't an alien species; well, men aren't either. Would you continue to hang out with people whose behaviour you found morally reprehensible? Of course not, you would either try and change their behaviour, have them leave the group or leave the group yourself.
I'm not saying there are no incidences of cognitive dissonance when it comes to this behaviour; just that it's not (in keeping with OP's question) common. If guys are hanging out with guys who behave this way (and they know about the behaviour) it's because they're okay with it.0 -
Thanks for the replies.
To be honest I was never looking for revenge. I guess this was just some little creep who got her while she was drunk.
But still I don't understand why she never said I word about it. I have so many more questions but not sure if I should keep at her about it.
If she was just promiscuous when she was young she could tell me. But again I think the reason girls went with guys to this part of the club was to do more than kissing. I just doesn't add up what she is saying. Could a fella really force her to that ? Why didn't she just close he mouth if she knew what he was trying to do rather than just go along with it.
Maybe I'm being stupid over something so old but my wife is a goddess to me and I can't get this out of my head.0 -
Carpenter81 wrote: »Thanks for the replies.
To be honest I was never looking for revenge. I guess this was just some little creep who got her while she was drunk.
But still I don't understand why she never said I word about it. I have so many more questions but not sure if I should keep at her about it.
If she was just promiscuous when she was young she could tell me. But again I think the reason girls went with guys to this part of the club was to do more than kissing. I just doesn't add up what she is saying. Could a fella really force her to that ? Why didn't she just close he mouth if she knew what he was trying to do rather than just go along with it.
Maybe I'm being stupid over something so old but my wife is a goddess to me and I can't get this out of my head.
You can't really be that niave or do you think your wife made up an attack that never happened?
It's very easy to sexually abuse someone in public. These people rely on the shock factor where the victim literally freezes. Its why so few people who are groped in public make a scene.
If she was alone its even harder. You go into survival mode, you might have to submit to a lesser assault to prevent a more serious one.0 -
Carpenter81 wrote:Maybe I'm being stupid over something so old but my wife is a goddess to me and I can't get this out of my head.
I'm really sorry to be so blunt and I'll take an infraction if the mods see fit, but yes, you are being incredibly stupid and naive. You literally have an entire thread here of women describing pretty much the exact same things happening to them and your thoughts have still somehow managed to turn to promiscuity (wtf?) and your wife somehow secretly wanting these things to happen to her??? Cause, obviously, nice girls don't go to those kind of places...
I'm actually gobsmacked, OP. You seriously, seriously need to educate yourself.0 -
The ‘goddess’ view is probably not helping you to get your head around this OP.
She’s not a goddess or a princess or a queen. She’s the person you fell in love with, a real person who has had this happen to her. And yet you seem to be questioning her motives. That is pretty bad form. And possibly she didn’t tell you because she knows you well enough to have anticipated your reaction.0 -
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Carpenter81 wrote: »Thanks for the replies.
To be honest I was never looking for revenge. I guess this was just some little creep who got her while she was drunk.
But still I don't understand why she never said I word about it. I have so many more questions but not sure if I should keep at her about it.
If she was just promiscuous when she was young she could tell me. But again I think the reason girls went with guys to this part of the club was to do more than kissing. I just doesn't add up what she is saying. Could a fella really force her to that ? Why didn't she just close he mouth if she knew what he was trying to do rather than just go along with it.
Maybe I'm being stupid over something so old but my wife is a goddess to me and I can't get this out of my head.
I seriously can’t believe in a round about way you are saying your wife was asking for it and victim blaming and you are going to have to get over this ,your wife has and you should definitely not “ keep on at her about it “
I don’t think you are being stupid as it has being a shock to you but try not dwell on it.0
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