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Justice Be Cold (A short story)

  • 28-09-2020 10:32pm
    #1
    hgfj
    Registered Users Posts: 252 ✭✭


    Man walks into a pub,
    sits at the bar,
    orders a glass of water.

    Bada bing.

    Barman squints,
    pours him a glass,
    says, you havin' anthin' with that,
    Buddy?

    Bada boom.

    Man stands up,
    pulls out a gun,
    shoots him cold between the eyes.

    Zippity zap.

    Just ice, is all the man says,
    as he sits back down and waits...








    .


Comments

  • #2
    Sheridan81
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,429 ✭✭✭Sheridan81


    Decent, simple poem.

    I like the play on words with 'justice'. Also brings to mind the phrase "revenge is a dish best served cold". I don't know if you were thinking of that.

    I don't like the 'bada bing' (reminds me of Chandler from Friends), the 'bada boom', or the 'zippity zap' (reminds me of an album cover by Devastatin' Dave-look it up) unless you're actually going for comedy-I laughed out loud. I would definitely erase those parts if I were you.


  • #3
    hgfj
    Registered Users Posts: 252 ✭✭hgfj


    Thanks for the feedback. Yes, the poem is a play on the words just ice and justice. Nothing more really. Bada bing bada boom zippity zap, all added for comic effect. So if it made you laugh out loud that's great. I was hoping for an inner smile maybe, but lol's even better. Was it at zippity zap where you laughed?

    Bada bing reminds you of Chandler (maybe because his surname is Bing?) but it reminds me of Mafiosa movies. Ray Liotta, Joe Pesci, Goodfellas, et al. The kind of guys you read about who occasionally walk into pubs, restaurants, barber shops and suchlike, and blow some poor schmucks head off. Only they then generally tend to drop the shooter and split after the deed is done, whereas this guy just sits back down and waits. Waits for what? Who knows?

    Zippity zap reminds me of comic books.


  • #4
    Gale
    Registered Users Posts: 29 ✭Gale


    definitely short. not enough room to create short story dividends for the reader


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