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22-06-2016, 21:09   #31
JP Liz V1
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I'm sorry to hear this, you and your dad seem to have a special bond, stay strong for your whole family if you can, take care and cherish what time ye have left together
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22-06-2016, 21:21   #32
fall
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Hi Power Fairy, I had to post because I understand that relationship you are talking about. Your dad is to you what a mam is to a lot of others. So apart from the great advice you have received I would say spend as much time in your Dads company as you can. Reminisce with him and commit to memory all those lovely things he does and say that makes you love him so. Sit in silence and just be with him when his body fails. Let all your love out and embrace the purity of that unconditional love. My Dad is my hero and my rock. I truly feel your pain.
When it comes to your Mam I can also relate. I will play Devils advocate here. I sense that your heart is panic stricken at the thoughts at having to move home in case your mam commits suicide. Ask yourself this, if she chooses to do that can you realistically ever stop her? You can engage with the services available and give support but if you give up your life when you have already suffered a great loss I would fear for your own mental health down the line. You have to mind yourself in all of this.
Lastly here's a big virtual hug x
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23-06-2016, 10:27   #33
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Originally Posted by Avatar MIA
Why not? Force majeure leave

Anytime I or my husband have asked for it, it has been stressed that it is for urgent issues whereby the employee's presence is explicitly needed and alternative arrangements need to be made for the following day. It's unlikely an employer will give it in this current situation, but it could be worth a try, all employers differ. It's Max 3 days though and it appears the OP needs more time than this.

OP, I agree with the poster about getting your mothers meds looked at. She may need additional support from her MH team at this difficult time.
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23-06-2016, 12:13   #34
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Hi Power Fairy, I had to post because I understand that relationship you are talking about. Your dad is to you what a mam is to a lot of others. So apart from the great advice you have received I would say spend as much time in your Dads company as you can. Reminisce with him and commit to memory all those lovely things he does and say that makes you love him so. Sit in silence and just be with him when his body fails. Let all your love out and embrace the purity of that unconditional love. My Dad is my hero and my rock. I truly feel your pain.
When it comes to your Mam I can also relate. I will play Devils advocate here. I sense that your heart is panic stricken at the thoughts at having to move home in case your mam commits suicide. Ask yourself this, if she chooses to do that can you realistically ever stop her? You can engage with the services available and give support but if you give up your life when you have already suffered a great loss I would fear for your own mental health down the line. You have to mind yourself in all of this.
Lastly here's a big virtual hug x
Hi this really is accurate, I haven't the best relationship with my mam, as she was sick a lot when I was growing up, I didn't understand what depression was, and just wanted her to be a normal mam,

My dad took on the role of mother and father, for most of my life, so I am a bit angry at the world as it shouldn't be dad sick after all he did for us. What kind of god would allow this to happen.

My brother rang me today, and advised my mam is being very difficult with him, so I am going to give her doctors a call today, and ask for advice re her medication.

Thanks everyone for all the advice and kind words.

I cant tell you how much it means to me. Thanks a million times over.

X
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23-06-2016, 19:59   #35
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I've been thinking about your situation OP since I posted yesterday.... nothing more to say really.

I hope your mums doctor can help with her medication etc. Depression is of course an illness in itself so your mum no doubt struggles with it. She must now deal with your dads illness too and perhaps has guilt issues too as to the effect her illness had on the family and your Dad.
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24-06-2016, 15:08   #36
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Hi Powerfairy,

Sorry to hear what you are going through.
I have sent you a PM.

Z
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24-06-2016, 16:26   #37
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Hi Powerfairy,

Sorry to hear what you are going through.
I have sent you a PM.

Z
I replied thanks so much x
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24-06-2016, 16:52   #38
 
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I've been throgh a bereavemnet recently but it was simply old age, but similar in ways in that it was a drawn out process.

What we did was that one member of the family took charge and was the point of contact for nurse followed by nursing home followed by hospital.

That member gave weekly (daily towards the end) email updates on both the healthy parent and the ill one. The email was factual and also looked at who was about for visiting and any other issues - using language such as "mum / dad" and even relating pleasant snippets from any conversations can suddenly get other members interested in visiting as you are targeting their emotional side without being too direct. Sometimes its fear of the unknown that prevents family members helping.

In our case it was sometimes as simple as sitting in an adjoining room doing our own thing - the fact someone is there can be very comforting to someone that is ill.

Talk to the nurse that comes to the home - he/she has seen it all before and can give great advice.

Talk to the family solicitor about power of attorney - both for your Dad and possibly your mum (I think there are different types givign different level of control)

Talk to any neighbours they know well and give them your number if they notice anything unusual - this is more to initiate conact than to expect a call.

On the depression issue, family doctor will be best to advise. Modern medical techniques can work wonders. Ask the doctor for all options including ECT treatment.

Remember thousands of people go though similar every year and the nurses, doctors, solicitors and even local clergy have massive knowledge of how to cope.

Similarly in your workplace talk to someone that may have los a parent in the recent past - usually the 50-60 age group, they tend to be more understanding and there may be options for additional work from home assignments.
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25-06-2016, 22:54   #39
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Hi Powerfairy,
My deepest sympathies to you and your family, it brings back a lot of memories for me as I went through a similar experience with my own Dad. Can I offer some small bits of advice to you based on my own experience or observations.
a) ensure there is no family tension in front of your Dad, if your Mum is losing the plot a little gently persuade her to come for a cup of tea or something.
b) don't neglect your mum, it's her husband who is passing, she will have to face the world alone without him. Even if erratic focus on her too.
c) Take care of yourself, you'll suffer some very strange emotions. At some point you may even want the whole process to hurry up because of work etc, this is natural to think this way so don't beat yourself up for having these thoughts.
d) don't be afraid of upsetting your dad. If you need to tell him how special he is to you then now is the time, it won't frighten him it'll give him strength knowing how much he's loved....don't regret not saying it (I held back and had huge regrets)
e) be prepared for that silence afterwards.....it's heartbreaking, wanting to talk to him but not being able to

My heart goes out to you, it's a terrible time, it's an invasion into a family that you want to go away but it won't until it rips your happiness apart.........as one poster said earlier, there is light on the other side of this, it takes time but you will smile again. Praying for your dear dad.
 
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29-06-2016, 01:12   #40
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I'm in a similar boat powerfairy, my dad became suddenly I'll last year and since the cancer diagnosis the news we're getting from his doctors seems to be getting worse and worse. I'm also the youngest and finding it difficult to cope at home and in work. Supposed in to be moving to Australia in a few months after graduating college and now I'm not sure that will be possible. I can't remember a day in my life when my dad was sick until the day of his diagnosis, it's really shook my family and my man especially. Just wanted you to know you're not alone, some day in the future we'll get through. Let's hope we can leave as much of an impression on someone as our dads have left on us.
 
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29-06-2016, 01:14   #41
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I'm in a similar boat powerfairy, my dad became suddenly ill last year and since the cancer diagnosis the news we're getting from his doctors seems to be getting worse and worse. I'm also the youngest and finding it difficult to cope at home and in work. Supposed in to be moving to Australia in a few months after graduating college and now I'm not sure that will be possible. I can't remember a day in my life when my dad was sick until the day of his diagnosis, it's really shook my family and my mam especially. Just wanted you to know you're not alone, some day in the future we'll get through. Let's hope we can leave as much of an impression on someone as our dads have left on us.
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29-06-2016, 11:13   #42
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OP im so so sorry to read your post.

I really feel for you and your family, I’ve been there my mum was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer at aged 58, she passed away 18 weeks later - it’s a horrible and a particularly cruel cancer IMO. All I can say is spend as much time with your dad as you can, look after Yousef and worry about everything else after its all over – you’ll never get this time back again XX

Just on your dad's care – we were very lucky as we were able to care for my mum at home until she passed away – just so you know OP you are entitled to 10 days of full nursing care (without charge) though the Irish cancer society – this will be arranged to palliative care but if you need it insist on it. We had it for my mum and it meant the world. The nurse were amazing and so kind – I didn’t think the same of the HSE palliative care nurse if im brutally honest.

My husband’s dad passed away at home too from cancer and didn’t have a nurse present it was very distressing for the family. So insist on the Irish cancer society nurses.

If you have any pancreatic cancer questions… just let me know – its spread to my mums liver too OP.. it really is a dreadful cancer im afraid.

Take care and try and be strong XX
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29-06-2016, 13:53   #43
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Powerfairy, I've moved your post to the Terminal Illness forum as you may find more like-minded support and practical suggestions from others going through similar situations to you.

All the best.
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29-06-2016, 14:15   #44
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I'm so sorry OP.
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29-06-2016, 14:50   #45
Powerfairy
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I'm in a similar boat powerfairy, my dad became suddenly ill last year and since the cancer diagnosis the news we're getting from his doctors seems to be getting worse and worse. I'm also the youngest and finding it difficult to cope at home and in work. Supposed in to be moving to Australia in a few months after graduating college and now I'm not sure that will be possible. I can't remember a day in my life when my dad was sick until the day of his diagnosis, it's really shook my family and my mam especially. Just wanted you to know you're not alone, some day in the future we'll get through. Let's hope we can leave as much of an impression on someone as our dads have left on us.
I'm so sorry to hear you are going through the same, my thoughts and prayers are with you, can I ask you do you find yourself unable to focus in work / college etc? I cannot get focused anymore and I am wondering is it depression,

I know what you mean about unable to remember what it was like before your dad was sick, I still have the memories of him being well but god it feels like a distant memory, I would literally do anything to go back 3 years, and tell him to go to a doctor sooner, (he got sick 2 years ago)

Thinking of you. x
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