The child left behind

VirginiaB · 30-04-2019 6:09pm #1

I'm in the US. I have several times, either in my own or friends' families, found couples or families who emigrated but left a child behind with one or both grandparents. I can only guess that the child was meant to be company and/or a help to the old folks. When grown, the child emigrated but often with bitter feelings. Sometimes a family break ensued. Other children were born and the 'left-behind' child felt like something of an outsider.

Have you run across this and can you shed any light on this practice, which I suspect was not limited to Ireland?

Mrsmum · 30-04-2019 6:23pm

Oh that's so sad. If the grandparents had a farm, the child left behind would be chosen as the future farmer in some cases I'd say. Childhood was very short in those days with children working from age fourteen if not earlier. It's a pity those children felt resentful as imo they were the ones being given the family silver so to speak. They were being given all the family had whereas the other children would have to make their own way in the big bad world. That's my thinking anyway ie that they were the chosen ones not the rejects. I can understand their feelings too though as things were rarely talked out over here so were probably never explained to them.

Stoner · 30-04-2019 6:24pm

Not exactly the same thing but I'd a relation that was sent away to live with relatives that had no kids as his parent (his Dad had died) couldn't afford to feed him.

Mrsmum · 30-04-2019 6:39pm

Another thing was that commonly a typical married couple and their children lived with his parents ie the grandparents so it wasn't like the child left behind was left with strangers. The grandparents would have been as familiar to such a child as his/her parents and siblings. And yes I'd say you are right about being left as company for the old folks. Probably to stop them dying from broken hearts if everyone went from them.

Bannasidhe · 30-04-2019 6:59pm

My Grandmother was left behind.

After the death of my G Grandfather in 1905 from TB (he was in his 20s) his wife moved back to the family farm in Kerry with her two small daughters - youngest was my grandmother and she never met her father. He was in the British Army and had been shipped out before she was born.

G Grandmother was, by all accounts treated as a skivvy, so she emigrated to the U.S. It took her a few years to get the money together to go as for reasons we still haven't worked out any monies due to her husband from the army was paid to his brothers - who were in the same regiment.

When G Grandmother got on her feet in the US she sent for the eldest daughter but by the time she was able to send for my grandmother WWI was in full swing.
Upshot was my Grandmother was raised by a childless aunt in Cork who owned a pub - on the promise of inheriting the pub. She worked there as unpaid labour until she married in 1924.
She absolutely resented her mother and sister and was, tbh, a distant and emotionally cold woman. However, when my G Grandmother died in the 1940s it emerged that for every cent she spent on her eldest daughter she put an equal amount away for my grandmother. My grandmother bought the house they were renting outright with the money left to her.
I honestly don't know if she ever inherited the pub...

myshirt · 30-04-2019 7:00pm

Stoner wrote: »

Not exactly the same thing but I'd a relation that was sent away to live with relatives that had no kids as his parent (his Dad had died) couldn't afford to feed him.

That certainly did happen. I personally know three people in that category.

Hermy · 30-04-2019 7:00pm

Mrsmum wrote: »

It's a pity those children felt resentful as imo they were the ones being given the family silver so to speak.

They were losing their parents and siblings.
No farm can replace that loss!

Mrsmum · 30-04-2019 7:13pm

Hermy wrote: »

They were losing their parents and siblings.
No farm can replace that loss!

I'm not tying to say it was a good practice or easy for them at all. But I think it's perfectly possible that their parents were trying to do the best for them at the time.

VirginiaB · 30-04-2019 8:35pm

Bannasidhe, that is a powerful story.

In all these cases, t's impossible to know their various motives. There were probably a variety of motives. In the four cases I know of, no one got a farm. And for myself, I'd rather have my immediate family.

This situation came to mind as a good friend's grandfather was a child left behind. His parents and siblings left Ireland for Australia and he was left with his grandparents. When he grew up, and they died, he would have nothing to do with his parents. An uncle in America sent him a ticket to come here and got him a job. He never spoke (wrote) to his birth family again. Nor would he talk about them. Fast forward to now. The Australian cousins have been doing genealogy and DNA. They connected with the American side, including my friend. She just got back from an amazing family reunion in Australia with many cousins there. Good to hear.

Hermy · 30-04-2019 9:25pm

Mrsmum wrote: »

I'm not tying to say it was a good practice or easy for them at all. But I think it's perfectly possible that their parents were trying to do the best for them at the time.

Their parents may well have been trying to do their best for their children but regardless of that the psychological damage done to the child by being separated from their family is going to leave a scar that goes far deeper than mere resentment.

Bannasidhe · 30-04-2019 10:01pm

VirginiaB wrote: »

Bannasidhe, that is a powerful story.

In all these cases, t's impossible to know their various motives. There were probably a variety of motives. In the four cases I know of, no one got a farm. And for myself, I'd rather have my immediate family.

This situation came to mind as a good friend's grandfather was a child left behind. His parents and siblings left Ireland for Australia and he was left with his grandparents. When he grew up, and they died, he would have nothing to do with his parents. An uncle in America sent him a ticket to come here and got him a job. He never spoke (wrote) to his birth family again. Nor would he talk about them. Fast forward to now. The Australian cousins have been doing genealogy and DNA. They connected with the American side, including my friend. She just got back from an amazing family reunion in Australia with many cousins there. Good to hear.

We only found out about what happened my G Grandfather a few years ago due to a genealogy search throwing up a public family tree compiled by one of G G's brother's descendants (who was named after my GG!). He had all the info on GG's family but it was a blank on his descendants - I was able to supply that.

I'm not sure how much my Grandmother knew about her father as opposed to how much she was trying to hide due to the tensions during the Irish War of Independence, her mother being Irish Catholic and her father being English Protestant (albeit of Irish descent), and the fact that she was marrying a committed (Catholic conservative) Republican who fought alongside Michael Collins. Among the tales told was that he was a school teacher who died (this is on her Marriage cert)/ He died in the Boar War/He deserted his family. Yet she named my father after her own father.

Thanks to the research I was able to take my Dad to not only see his namesake's grave - or at least the graveyard he is in, it's on Aldernay and during the Nazi occupation the headstones of British servicemen were all smashed - I was also able to take him to his G Grandparents and Great Aunts grave in Jersey. They all died young of TB. It was a side of the family we never thought we would find out about so it was very emotional for him. He is a very out going sociable man and as he stood there it was obvious how deeply this 'losing' half his family had affected him. He's the kind who travels the world visiting graves - his grandfather's whereabouts was the final mystery because his mother refused to talk about him... whatever her reasons.

pedroeibar1 · 01-05-2019 12:17pm

All this must be viewed in the perspective of the era, not by the child welfare criteria of today. Emigration provided hope, the possibility of a better life, so sacrifices were made. Until c1900 living conditions – by today’s standards – for the majority were appalling and mortality rates for all were high. For example, average male & female life expectancy at birth from 1870 to 1900 was quite constant at just under 50 years for both.*

Social class, urban/rural divide and land tenure also played an important role in emigration. . In rural areas the extended family was the norm, with elderly grandparent(s) sharing the home or living close nearby, so any child would be less ‘lost’ having had a close bond with grandparents since birth. Economic factors could have meant leaving a child behind, as fares increased considerably after the US introduced the Passenger Acts. (Introduced post-Famine primarily to reduce on-board deaths, as sea travel in steerage was a risky business.)

It was very common for part of the family to leave first, usually with the older children who could earn a wage when they landed, allowing money to be sent ‘home’ to bring out others. Many Irish children rarely attended school and when they did it was very part-time – their work contribution was required by the family for survival. This continued until the Irish Education Act of 1892 which made primary education free and mandatory for students between the ages of six and fourteen. Under the early Land Acts tenants benefitted; under the later Acts the labourers got a look-in. Many now had the possibility of an inheritance, rather than being a tenant at will, or one for (usually) three lives.

Emigration of the breadwinner is less common today, but it was frequent and very common in Ireland. Even as recently as 10 years ago after the crash many families were absent one parent; before that in the 1980’s many had to leave for work, and pre-Ryanair a trip home was an expensive affair.

Sad yes, but unusual/infrequent not very.

*There was a slow increase in life expectancy during the early decades of the 1900’s and a ‘jump’ in the 1930’s and 1940’s, due to a variety of factors – discovery and widespread use of penicillin-based drugs, increased spending on welfare, e.g. the introduction of children’s allowances in the 194o's, and the general upgrading of the health services also in the 1940s.

VirginiaB · 01-05-2019 2:37pm

No, my post is about a couple or an entire family emigrating and leaving one young child behind. long-term or permanently. A different matter from those discussed in your post, Pedroebar1.

VicWynne · 01-05-2019 3:10pm

My grandfather was left behind, living with his maiden aunt. I think he was the youngest of the family when his parents moved to the UK, though they had a number of children in England.

As a child I was told that she bought him the house that my father and his siblings grew up in, on the understanding that they'd look after her. I know why bedroom was hers in the house, though she died before my father was born. I'm not use if my aunts remember her....

My great-grandparents and some of the grandfathers siblings did visit and I believe my dad and his siblings knew them a little bit, but I don't think it was that close of a family. I didn't know anything about them growing up - until I started asked question when I got interested in the family history...

Talking to another friend of mine, who's a little older than I am, also a Dub... it wasn't too unusual up to the 1950's for children to be 'brought up' by family members (grandparents, aunts, uncles and their wives) when there were a number of children in the family... It was a way to 'spread' the load/love/work... whatever way you want to see it... His family all lived in the same area so I think it was his brother who was brought up living in an aunts house. It meant he only had to share a bedroom with 1 other brother...

pinkypinky · 01-05-2019 3:38pm

Yes, I know of a family who sent one child from Dublin to a childless aunt and uncle in Offaly, from whom he eventually inherited a farm. He never came back to Dublin. But this is relatively recent - probably born early 1950s.

Jellybaby1 · 01-05-2019 11:59pm

Agreed, giving children away happened in the 50's and probably continued later also. My friend was given away to a relative and she is now in her 60's and still doesn't know why. My own husband was given away in the 50's as a toddler, also to a relative. I asked his mother why and although she gave what she felt was a practical reason, I still felt it was a cruel decision. None of his family ever knew how that actually affected him even to this day. And he will never inherit anything from his family even though he is the eldest.

G-Man · 02-05-2019 12:06am

Kids also might be too sick to travel on long seajourney or would face rejection at immigration abroad. For this reason too the youngest child was left behind until they recovered.

Mrsmum · 02-05-2019 9:47am

My eldest cousin lived with us. We knew he was our cousin but he may as well have been our eldest brother. What happened was my aunt had him and then another baby within a year - Irish twins. The granny who lived at our house took him as a way of helping out her daughter I suppose. The granny couldn't move to her daughter's house because there were already the husband's mother and father living there. My mam married into that situation ie a small baby in her home when she arrived home after her wedding. He never went home despite there being nine of us and only five in his own family. The thing is I suppose who a baby knows in the first year or two effectively is his family and his own mother & father quickly became more of a stranger/visitor than those at my house. However it did cause some resentfulness between my parents because my cousin was adored by my father and the little boy was always at his side and my mam felt her husband liked his nephew more than his own children. Also my cousin has become neither fish nor fowl, he isn't quite one of us and he definitely isn't quite one of his own family either.

Guill · 02-05-2019 11:50am

My father told me a story a while back.

When he was a child, maybe 5 or 6. A young man used to call to the house every morning to drop off a bucket of Milk. The young man used to be all about him and all chat but my father was shy of this stranger. One day, he just asked his mother who the Milk boy was. It was his eldest brother. He was sent to live with the Grandparents to help them out. Funny thing is, the houses were only about 500m apart.

That was about 1960 in the midlands. Seemingly it was common place.

My mother was raised by her older cousin until she was 13 too.

srmf5 · 02-05-2019 8:23pm

In the case of my great grandfather's family, all his siblings emigrated except an older brother. He would have presumably stayed to work on the farm and eventually inherit it. However, he died of TB. My great grandfather was the youngest and most recent to travel to America so he returned to Ireland to help his parents on the farm.

The brother of my 2x great grandmother had two wives. The first wife died less than weeks after the birth of their sixth child in 1901. By 1911, the child was living with his aunt while the rest of his siblings were living with his aunt around 3.6 km away from his father. This aunt lost all four of her children in 1890 due to diphtheria. She had four more children after that. The nephew that was staying with her in 1911 had the same name as her second eldest child who had died. He was still living with his aunt in 1911 and attending school. His father, step-mother, full and half siblings all emigrated to America.

In another case, the brother of my 2x great grandfather had his 5th child in 1895. His wife died the same day that their last child was born in 1897 but the child didn't survive. More than likely due to his young age being 2, his father was unable to look after him. The child lived with his grandmother, two uncles and a wife of one of them in 1901. The two houses were about 2.1 km apart. By 1911, he was still attending school but was now living with his aunt and her husband who had no children. The house was about 9.5 km from his father's house. He inherited his aunt's house and farm.

My great grandfather's cousin was living in my great grandfather's house for a few years. I don't know how long but she was there in 1911. She was a child from the first marriage of the man above who had two wives. Another girl was living with them too and she was the granddaughter of my 2x great grandparents but still had both parents living. However, there were 9 other children in the family while my 2x great grandparents just had two adult sons in their 30s living with them. They were still living there when my grandfather was born there in 1915 and my grandfather remembered living with them. Both girls eventually emigrated. They seemed happy there and I think that they liked living with their grandparents/aunt. They were very good friends and both frequently wrote letters back and forth with my grandfather.

My 2x great grandfather's sister returned to Ireland to bring her niece with her to America. My great grandfather's sister was brought to America when she was 15 in 1912. Her aunt was a servant/companion to a wealthy man in America. Her aunt brought her over to work in a hospital but her employer refused to allow that happen and instead insisted that she continued going to school where she also learned to speak French and play the piano. The employer continued to look after her after her aunt died in 1915. The employer erected a headstone for the aunt who died in 1915. My great grandfather's sister did very well for herself and actually inherited a lot of his money when he died. However, she became a bit of a snob. She returned to Ireland frequently with her own chauffeur but she made him stop at the head of the road of my great grandfather's house and she walked the rest of the way. She was too embarrassed to let her chauffeur see the house that her brother and his family lived in which was just a three room house!

The child left behind

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