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Should I tell my wife about counselling

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  • 21-02-2020 3:17pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    I have decided to try counselling for a few things I'm battling at the moment. The issues are personal ones which I carried with me into my marriage.

    Basically on the outside I probably appear quite ambitious, successful, and collected. On the inside I'm anxious, angry with myself and with others, and I feel very isolated and very very lonely even when people are around. It's at its worst during the night when I can't sleep.

    It's a big step for me to admit I might need counselling. I'm only considering it after one of the lads nervously mentioned it over a coffee once before changing the subject. I wouldn't normally feel comfortable talking about things like this.

    Should I tell my wife? She's pregnant and instinctively I don't want her to think there's anything wrong with me or wrong in general. I'm worried she thinks something's wrong, I go to counselling and it doesn't work, and then basically I'm just someone with a defect.

    We're a transparent couple though - at any time day or night she'll know where I am, can look at my phone, go through my pc etc.. So it feels wrong to not tell her about this. I just don't want her to worry. Counselling seems like a big step like going to a doctor if you're too sick to just rest up at home.


Comments

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    #2
    Xterminator
    Registered Users Posts: 4,717 ✭✭✭Xterminator


    Hi OP

    Can you not tell your wife you are seeing a life coach or something like that.

    IE not a lie, not the whole truth.


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    #3
    banie01
    Registered Users Posts: 16,467 ✭✭✭✭banie01


    She is your wife.
    She is the person who will be with you through sickness and health, poverty or wealth.

    Your journey through to getting your demons under control is as trite as it may sound, her journey too.

    The feelings you are encountering will likely get worse before they get better.

    Talk to her, a lie of omission is still a lie.
    Also in a marriage, a problem shared is a problem halved.
    The weight of keeping this to yourself is undoubtedly causing a lot of stress and compounding your issue.


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    #4
    The lips
    Registered Users Posts: 468 ✭✭The lips


    Listen to banie01


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    #5
    Tina82
    Registered Users Posts: 106 ✭✭Tina82


    tell her ... dont keep secrets. its nothing to be ashamed of.


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    #6
    punisher5112
    Registered Users Posts: 24,647 ✭✭✭✭punisher5112


    She may know you're not happy and honestly most likely will have more respect for you being honest.

    Totally up to you but it probably is something you should talk to her about.


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    #7
    December2012
    Registered Users Posts: 4,695 ✭✭✭December2012


    She might be relieved that you are doing something about the stresses you are under.


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    #8
    Redser87
    Registered Users Posts: 610 ✭✭✭Redser87


    I'm sure she's noticed that you're not yourself and she'll be glad you're doing something about it. Definitely tell her. It may also allow you to open up more and get more out of the counselling if you aren't trying to keep the sessions a secret.


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    #9
    Titclamp
    Closed Accounts Posts: 409 ✭✭Titclamp


    What sort of a relationship have ye got if you can't disclose that? Should she not be aware of what issues you have and have encouraged you?


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    #10
    whiskeyman
    Registered Users Posts: 12,564 ✭✭✭✭whiskeyman


    Tell her.
    Well done going to get help.
    You're about to have a child (first?) and this can put a huge strain on yourself and your relationship.
    Best to get it out and work on this now.

    Fair play to you.

    Best of luck


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    #11
    zapper55
    Registered Users Posts: 684 ✭✭✭zapper55


    It takes a lot of strength to go for counselling. It's the opposite of weak and selfish.

    Definitely tell her, I'd imagine she'd be relieved. And if you were doing it in secret and didnt tell her it'll come out in the end and shed be quite hurt.


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    #12
    Purple Mountain
    Registered Users Posts: 13,004 ✭✭✭✭Purple Mountain


    ThewhiteJesus wrote: »
    I wouldnt tell the wife she’ll see you as weak and selfish, also, all her friends and family will know and probably have a good laugh at your expense, I imagine you already know this, as I did. Good luck though I know how hard it is

    I'd take this with a pinch of salt OP.
    I'm a woman and if for some reason I found out a friend's husband was going to a counsellor, I'd have nothing but respect and empathy for him. And then to be honest, I'd forget about it 5 minutes later because we are all so busy with our own woes, other people's lives feature way down our list.
    You sound like you have a lovely relationship with your wife.
    If you both share everything, I think she may be hurt if you didn't tell you were going.
    Best of luck with it.

    To thine own self be true



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    #13
    up for anything
    Registered Users Posts: 5,776 ✭✭✭up for anything


    If you're going to lie to her, even by omission, about going to counselling then you need to put some marriage counselling in place as well. There is nothing worse than dishonesty between a couple. You obviously don't trust her which means there are already issues of some kind in your marriage if you think she'll view you as damaged goods if the counselling doesn't 'work'. Be honest. Tell her.


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    #14
    ThewhiteJesus
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 1,714 ✭✭✭ThewhiteJesus


    Purple Mountain wrote: »
    I'd take this with a pinch of salt OP.
    I'm a woman and if for some reason I found out a friend's husband was going to a counsellor, I'd have nothing but respect and empathy for him. And then to be honest, I'd forget about it 5 minutes later because we are all so busy with our own woes, other people's lives feature way down our list.
    You sound like you have a lovely relationship with your wife.
    If you both share everything, I think she may be hurt if you didn't tell you were going.
    Best of luck with it.

    I’ve been in this situation, have you ? My reply was honest and very hard to write but I was trying to help.not sure why my post was deleted it’s probably the only truly honest one here, typical of our society.


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    #15
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 3,637 ✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    ThewhiteJesus wrote: »
    I’ve been in this situation, have you ? My reply was honest and very hard to write but I was trying to help.not sure why my post was deleted it’s probably the only truly honest one here, typical of our society.

    Just because it’s honest and reflects your own experience doesn’t mean it’s good advice to tell a guy to lie to his wife.

    OP, your wife will already know you’re not in top form, so just tell her you’re going to see someone to help you get on top of a few things that bother you now and then, distracting you needlessly etc.

    Make sure she knows it’s so you are happier as an individual and that will help you be a better hisband and father.

    You’re doing a good thing there. Let her know. She’ll be glad.


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    #16
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 3,637 ✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    ThewhiteJesus wrote: »
    Where did I say to lie ? op if you want honest advice from someone years into your situation pm me, the replies you have got are perfect world stuff, but I have a feeling you already know this.

    It’s very much a lie of omission.

    You wouldn’t tell her, was your recommendation, because “She’ll see you as weak and selfish”, then tell her friends and family so they’ll all have a good laugh. Whether that’s a bit of paranoia or they’re just not nice people, I don’t know.

    Sorry to say this, but the OP is not ‘years into your situation’ - I hope you get the help you need, but the OP should of course let his missus know. She’ll be glad to hear it when she knows it’s about improving his life.


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    #17
    ThewhiteJesus
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 1,714 ✭✭✭ThewhiteJesus


    JayZeus wrote: »
    You wouldn’t tell her, was your recommendation, because “She’ll see you as weak and selfish”, then tell her friends and family so they’ll all have a good laugh. Whether that’s a bit of paranoia or they’re just not nice people, I don’t know.

    Sorry to say this, but the OP is not ‘years into your situation’ - I hope you get the help you need, but the OP should of course let his missus know. She’ll be glad to hear it when she knows it’s about improving his life.

    I didn’t say to lie though ? Look we disagree no worries I’m only offering to help op as I’m there in the trenches aswell, I’m sure you are trying to help too, but attacking me or mods deleting honest posts just sweeps this problem under the carpet, anyway I won’t post again <mod snip>


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    #18
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 3,637 ✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    ThewhiteJesus wrote: »
    I didn’t say to lie though ? Look we disagree no worries I’m only offering to help op as I’m there in the trenches aswell, I’m sure you are trying to help too, but attacking me or mods deleting honest posts just sweeps this problem under the carpet, anyway I won’t post again op my offer stands

    I’m not attacking you at all. You’re telling a guy to hide the fact he’s in counselling from his wife. That’s the sort of carryon that starts down a path nobody should be encouraged to follow.

    A lie of omission. Don’t like that? Okay then; You’re encouraging, from your own position in ‘the trenches’, a guy to hide something from his wife. That’s dishonest. A good husband doesn’t do that sort of thing. And a good wife will understand.


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    #19
    yosser hughes
    Registered Users Posts: 3,879 ✭✭✭yosser hughes


    Anon101010 wrote: »

    Should I tell my wife? ............................................................................................................................... So it feels wrong to not tell her about this..

    Tell your wife.


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    #20
    Honeydew3456
    Registered Users Posts: 108 ✭✭Honeydew3456


    Yes, tell your wife. It will come out at some stage eventually and then that will lead to more problems.

    Also it will eliminate the stress of having to hide it from her.

    Tell her, I am sure she will want the opportunity to be supportive.


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    #21
    Honeydew3456
    Registered Users Posts: 108 ✭✭Honeydew3456


    ThewhiteJesus wrote: »
    I’ve been in this situation, have you ? My reply was honest and very hard to write but I was trying to help.not sure why my post was deleted it’s probably the only truly honest one here, typical of our society.

    You are projecting your own experiences onto the OP!!! That is not objective or helpful. It's a very blinkered, black and white view.

    I understand it was difficult and very hurtful, probably life changing, but IMO your experience was the exception rather than the rule.

    Relationships are not a "one size fits all"


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    #22
    woodchuck
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 15,409 Mod ✭✭✭✭woodchuck


    Mod note:

    @ThewhiteJesus, offers of PMs are strictly not allowed for the reasons outlined in the forum charter.

    For all other posters, ThewhiteJesus has made his point, which has now been countered numerous times. Let's move on shall we.


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    #23
    Alf Veedersane
    Registered Users Posts: 24,551 ✭✭✭✭Alf Veedersane


    banie01 wrote: »
    She is your wife.
    She is the person who will be with you through sickness and health, poverty or wealth.

    Your journey through to getting your demons under control is as trite as it may sound, her journey too.

    The feelings you are encountering will likely get worse before they get better.

    Talk to her, a lie of omission is still a lie.
    Also in a marriage, a problem shared is a problem halved.
    The weight of keeping this to yourself is undoubtedly causing a lot of stress and compounding your issue.

    This all day long.

    She's your wife, your partner and will support you as you would undoubtedly support her.


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    #24
    Neyite
    Administrators, Politics Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 25,947 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Neyite


    Often having a baby prompts us into better habits. I know that I became very concious of eating healthier and looking after myself. Lots of parents give up smoking or cut down on drinking or eat more veg to show a good example. It's normal.



    And this also applies to our mental health. We've all got residual stuff from our childhood or or pasts that we think about and say to ourselves that we'll do it differently with out babies. So it makes perfect sense that if you have things you want to deal with in your head that will help you be the best dad you can be to that baby. So let your wife know, and let her be supportive of it for you.


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