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Brother stopped talking to me because I wouldn't pay for his car expenses

  • 21-02-2020 2:23pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    I have a brother who is the biggest bum in life. He never worked a day in his life. Or he did as a teenager but realized he didn't have to because our parents would support him. For example, when on the dole a few years ago, he would be getting a 100 euro a week and was able to afford a car. I never got this from my parents and I wouldn't expect them to support me but my brother didn't have to ask to get money.

    While he had a car, he did get me insured on the car. But it was more for his benefit. He could go out drinking and ring me up to pick him up and take him home. I got a call from him one morning at 6am asking for me to pick him up. I very rarely actually got to use the car for myself though!

    He had a little tip against another car. Or more like another car drove into him in a car park. He went all out with the insurance. He made out he got whiplash and whatever else he could get away with. The fact is, he didn't have a problem with drinking every weekend at the same time.

    Eventually with his insurance payout, he went abroad to "work" with friends. 9 months went by and he came home again. I don't think he ever worked abroad. Apparently he worked in a fancy restaurant but going through his Facebook friends, he hasn't anyone as a friend from that restaurant. I know that's a bit too much snooping but I have found that my brother has lied a few times.

    He never had to work though, he had it so easy. So back home, he talks about getting another car and insuring me again. This time, he asked me for money to cover the extra on insurance. Not only insurance but car tax as well. While I understand paying my bit if I'm driving the car. But it wasn't my car and I was only ever a taxi driver. So I was losing out. Not only would I have insurance and tax, I would also top up with fuel. My brother would get handouts for fuel from my parents!

    Not long after he asked me to pay for using his car, I got a job elsewhere in the country and had to move away. A few weeks went by and he seemed very short with me.. When I visited home, he barely spoke to me. I can understand if someone had a bad day but it was every time I visited home.

    I eventually heard that he got a job. I guess he didn't have anyone else to ask to pay for his car expenses, as my parents don't drive. Our parents would have been down my contribution from the bills and probably couldn't afford to be giving him handouts anymore.

    This is the only thing that has happened for my brother to turn on me. Except he won't actually tell me and he knows he will sound like an idiot if he said it. Another year or two passed and I eventually got it out of him, he told me he didn't need a reason to turn on me!!! Well I lost it with him. My reaction was used against me and me being labelled as the bad guy in the family for what I have said to him!!!

    That's basically it. He has refused to talk, so why am I being blamed for his issues towards me?


Comments

  • #2
    lunamoon
    Registered Users Posts: 263 ✭✭lunamoon


    If he wasn't your brother would you want someone like this in your life?


  • #3
    Graces7
    Registered Users Posts: 32,634 ✭✭✭✭Graces7


    Even if he is your "brother"? Takes more than blood relationship to make a real brother,

    You really do not need this.


  • #4
    Tiddlypeeps
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,103 ✭✭✭Tiddlypeeps


    You have a very low opinion of your brother, weather justified or not it's very unlikely your disdain towards him went completely unnoticed. It's very unlikely he just turned on you because you wouldn't pay for his car expenses. The fact is you can't force someone to have a relationship with you if they don't want to and you can't force them to tell you why. Plus if you have such a low opinion of him then why do you even want a relationship with him?

    It's possible your tone is just coming off poorly because you are annoyed and blowing off steam, but you come across very bitter and jealous. If you genuinely want to mend the relationship with your brother I'd reflect on why you have those feelings and how they might have affected your brother in the past.


  • #5
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    The word 'refused' implies that you are trying to force a relationship and force him to talk to you. He doesn't owe you a relationship or a chat. Why the length explaining what he was like in the past but no length in explaining your reaction. What reaction did you have? Was it justified? Was it an over reaction? Something must have happened for the relationship to break down.


  • #6
    Finchie1276
    Closed Accounts Posts: 86 ✭✭Finchie1276


    Why have this drama. Just cut him loose and have a nice life. Don't even bother trying to make logic of this just move on, put it down to experience and don't get involved,.


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  • #7
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    i managed to narrow your general disapproval of your brother down to as follows:

    insurance was extra when you were added to the car as a driver.

    he asked you to cover this and pay some of the tax.

    i mean sounds fair tbh.


  • #8
    The_Conductor
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 32,278 Mod ✭✭✭✭The_Conductor


    Deleted User wrote: »
    i managed to narrow your general disapproval of your brother down to as follows:

    insurance was extra when you were added to the car as a driver.

    he asked you to cover this and pay some of the tax.

    i mean sounds fair tbh.

    However, the OP never had use of the car- other than ferrying his brother around the place, often at very unsocial hours, when he was drunk.

    I'd be suggesting his brother sell the car altogether, download the Uber app to his phone and make sure he keeps his account in credit.

    The OP is no longer living in the same part of the country and is not available to drive his brother when hes pissed- and the parents don't drive- full stop. So- look outside the box- and see how to get transport- and you're looking at Uber and similar services.

    The OP has been incredibly supportive towards his brother- but has to live his life too- you can't be a skivvy for someone else forever.


  • #9
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    The_Conductor wrote: »
    However, the OP never had use of the car- other than ferrying his brother around the place, often at very unsocial hours, when he was drunk.

    I'd be suggesting his brother sell the car altogether, download the Uber app to his phone and make sure he keeps his account in credit.

    The OP is no longer living in the same part of the country and is not available to drive his brother when hes pissed- and the parents don't drive- full stop. So- look outside the box- and see how to get transport- and you're looking at Uber and similar services.

    The OP has been incredibly supportive towards his brother- but has to live his life too- you can't be a skivvy for someone else forever.

    fair comment. i spose that the post was so heavily focused on criticism of everything about the brother that the car issue being raised as a headline really looks....like not the issue

    if the OP doesnt like their brother's carry-on, then leave him at it is my best advice rly.


  • #10
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    How long ago was it when he went to Canada? 10/8/6/5 or more years ago? What were you doing snooping on his workplace on Facebook that just also happens to be in a different country? Seriously what does that have to do with your car issues at home. What was said when you had it out with him? You called him a lier in your post and you claimed he lied about working in Canada. You weren't there. You don't know. You are only speculating that maybe he did not work. You have no proof. I'd be very pissed off too with an attitude like that from a sibling and I would be avoiding that kind of drama too. He doesn't have to answer to you if you think he lied about his workplace in Canada because you have a problem with a car issue at home from the past.


  • #11
    GreeBo
    Registered Users Posts: 27,030 ✭✭✭✭GreeBo


    ^ are you the ops brother?
    Who mentioned Canada??


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  • #12
    AulWan
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,653 ✭✭✭AulWan


    I actually think this is quite simple.

    When you were living at home, you were useful to your brother when it suited him, picking him up, etc. Now you are not.

    Therefore, you are no longer of use to him, so he isn't bothered.

    My advice, be not bothered back.


  • #13
    JustAThought
    Registered Users Posts: 5,323 ✭✭✭JustAThought


    a brother is forever & simething not to be given up in or discarded.Sounds like you felt he had it financially easier than you and that he used you...maybe he feels yiu gots goid deal in the tax and insurance and is s bit put out too. Let time smooth things over - its not worth losing all those shared experiences and childhood memories over a bad few years of cashflow.Let it go and try and put it behind you.When you are both more financially secure you will see it was a waste of effort and years being bitter over a car and a few thousand.


  • #14
    Neyite
    Administrators, Politics Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 25,947 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Neyite


    Deleted User wrote: »
    i managed to narrow your general disapproval of your brother down to as follows:

    insurance was extra when you were added to the car as a driver.

    he asked you to cover this and pay some of the tax.

    i mean sounds fair tbh.


    Often insurance goes down if there's a driver added so we don't know that was the case here.



    OP, let him have his sulk. Now that he's working he might actually put a value on money and realise how hard it's earned and how easy it is to spend it. And he might cop on and grow up. But you shouldn't be pandering to him any more.


  • #15
    Antares35
    Registered Users Posts: 3,845 ✭✭✭Antares35


    JustAThought wrote: »
    a brother is forever & simething not to be given up in or discarded.Sounds like you felt he had it financially easier than you and that he used you...maybe he feels yiu gots goid deal in the tax and insurance and is s bit put out too. Let time smooth things over - its not worth losing all those shared experiences and childhood memories over a bad few years of cashflow.Let it go and try and put it behind you.When you are both more financially secure you will see it was a waste of effort and years being bitter over a car and a few thousand.

    You clearly don't have my brother as a brother. I have estranged from mine for very good reason. I often wonder why we are expected to tolerate bad treatment from our own family members - the people who are supposed to actually have our backs, when we wouldn't accept the same from strangers. Surely the bar should be higher for people who claim to love you? Life is too short for toxic people and we don't need to cling on to a**holes who treat us like sh*te in the name of "family". It takes more than blood. (Although my brother actually is a genetic stranger in any event).


  • #16
    MartyMcFly84
    Registered Users Posts: 1,326 ✭✭✭MartyMcFly84


    My older brother is a bum and embarrassment too. He is 37 and has always lived off my parents.

    He has had some small jobs but that was just his drinking money. He never paid a bill or a rent. He has been a constant drain and extremely selfish.

    Likewise my parents treated him incredibly different from me which I feel perpetuated the problem buying him cars etc. My parents divorced and he took turns mooching of each one and their retirement money.

    He lies constantly to everyone, exaggerates etc.

    I have virtually cut him out completely my life. He has a job now (lets see for how long) and still asks and takes money off my parents. But I just have to cut him out or his negativity seeps into me, and I waste my time getting upset about it. Fortunately we can choose our friends but we cannot choose our family.

    As mentioned above we should not HAVE to oblige and tolerate someone just because of blood. If it was anyone else would you have them in your life?


  • #17
    Antares35
    Registered Users Posts: 3,845 ✭✭✭Antares35


    MartyMcFly84 wrote: »
    My older brother is a bum and embarrassment too. He is 37 and has always lived off my parents.

    He has had some small jobs but that was just his drinking money. He never paid a bill or a rent. He has been a constant drain and extremely selfish.

    Likewise my parents treated him incredibly different from me which I feel perpetuated the problem buying him cars etc. My parents divorced and he took turns mooching of each one and their retirement money.

    He lies constantly to everyone, exaggerates etc.

    I have virtually cut him out completely my life. He has a job now (lets see for how long) and still asks and takes money off my parents. But I just have to cut him out or his negativity seeps into me, and I waste my time getting upset about it. Fortunately we can choose our friends but we cannot choose our family.

    As mentioned above we should not HAVE to oblige and tolerate someone just because of blood. If it was anyone else would you have them in your life?

    Are you sure he is not my brother? :D

    Mine "can't afford to pay rent" to my parents but he has a 40k car sitting outside. Obscene amount of money to spend on a car - that is essentially what OH and I are trying to save so that we can have a deposit for our first home. Of course, Antares pays 800 a month rent because "she has a great job" etc.

    I think a lot of parents box their children into categories and no matter what, that is where you are. My mother thinks the sun shines out of my brothers backside and that the whole world is against him. I remember several years ago (so he would have been in his late 30's at that stage) I had to stop her calling his boss to give out to him for being mean to her son by not giving him enough hours. Imagine the humiliation of that!

    I think perhaps she is over compensating because he is adopted - she feels like she needs to make him feel better about the world because his birth mother "didn't want him" or something, even though adoption is such a selfless act and often because the birth mother loves the child so much. In any event, I wish she'd kept him! :D


  • #18
    ManOfMystery
    Registered Users Posts: 2,394 ✭✭✭ManOfMystery


    I left home at 18 for a job in another city, and since then have been paying my rent (and then mortgage), bills, sorting out my own washing and jobs and so on.

    My sister is approaching 30 and still lives at home with my parents. Does no jobs round house and will literally eat food or drink and walk out of the room leaving plates and glasses behind her for someone else to clear up. When I visit home I tidy up and empty dishwasher and do stuff like that, I don't even live there.

    There seems to be a recurring theme with people like this - an inherent selfishness, coupled with a parent (or parents) who enable them far too much.


  • #19
    Antares35
    Registered Users Posts: 3,845 ✭✭✭Antares35


    ManOfMystery wrote: »
    I left home at 18 for a job in another city, and since then have been paying my rent (and then mortgage), bills, sorting out my own washing and jobs and so on.

    My sister is approaching 30 and still lives at home with my parents. Does no jobs round house and will literally eat food or drink and walk out of the room leaving plates and glasses behind her for someone else to clear up. When I visit home I tidy up and empty dishwasher and do stuff like that, I don't even live there.

    There seems to be a recurring theme with people like this - an inherent selfishness, coupled with a parent (or parents) who enable them far too much.

    This is what I struggle with. I don't know if it is the sibling or the enabling parents that are more annoying. When I last spoke to my mother about this (which was in fact, the last time I spoke to her) I pointed out that he could kill and eat a small child in front of her and she would defend him to her dying breath. She had no answer for me of course :(


  • #20
    ManOfMystery
    Registered Users Posts: 2,394 ✭✭✭ManOfMystery


    Antares35 wrote: »
    This is what I struggle with. I don't know if it is the sibling or the enabling parents that are more annoying. When I last spoke to my mother about this (which was in fact, the last time I spoke to her) I pointed out that he could kill and eat a small child in front of her and she would defend him to her dying breath. She had no answer for me of course :(

    Mine can't explain why she tolerates it either. I think there comes a point where it's just habitual, it becomes 'normal' for them.

    Of course, the flip side is that most teenagers or adolescents will eventually want to move (in late teens/early 20s) out to get their own freedom, own house, etc. And by doing so they have to earn their own money and do their own chores and jobs. The parents don't have to face the difficult and awkward scenario of suggesting it's time for them to move out. With that minority who are inherently selfish however, they will take full advantage of their parents generosity and prioritise their comfortable arrangement over any desire to live alone or gain independence. And the longer that goes on, the more difficult it becomes for the parents to face up to asking them to move out.


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