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Hi all,
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One-Liner Jokes

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Comments

  • Options
    #3692
    greenspurs
    Registered Users Posts: 10,218 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    The world paper tearing champion has died.



    Rip ……….
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... "



  • Options
    #3693
    Titclamp
    Closed Accounts Posts: 409 ✭✭Titclamp


    How do you open a door.















    ...................


  • Options
    #3694
    Gloomtastic!
    Registered Users Posts: 8,315 ✭✭✭Gloomtastic!


    Titclamp wrote: »
    How do you open a door.















    ...................

    :confused:


  • Options
    #3695
    greenspurs
    Registered Users Posts: 10,218 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    Titclamp wrote: »
    How do you open a door....................
    Gloomtastic! wrote: »
    :confused:

    https://www.wikihow.com/Unlock-a-Door


    Are you in trouble ??

    If it says "Push" … shove it...

    If it says "Pull" … grab the handle and pull it towards you …..

    It might also say "Automatic door" , you then have to trust the technology, and just walk towards it … Blind faith ..
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... "



  • Options
    #3696
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I told my Son to eat the left overs in the fridge.




    Silly sod nearly froze to death.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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  • Options
    #3697
    chooseusername
    Registered Users Posts: 3,588 ✭✭✭chooseusername


    Started a new job at the Samaritans last week.
    Tried to ring in sick this morning & they talked me out of it!


  • Options
    #3698
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    2 ducks flying over Northern Ireland, one says to the other "Quack."

    The other says "I'm going as fast as I can."

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Options
    #3699
    greenspurs
    Registered Users Posts: 10,218 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    Will glass coffins become more popular ?



    Remains to be seen ………
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... "



  • Options
    #3700
    Uncle Pierre
    Registered Users Posts: 1,459 ✭✭✭Uncle Pierre


    I know a midget who was pickpocketed last week. I didn't think anybody could stoop so low.


    PC version - I know a person of short stature who was pickpocketed last week..........


  • Options
    #3701
    Wtf ?
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 343 ✭✭Wtf ?


    I started a band called 1023 Megabytes.

    We still haven’t got a gig.


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  • Options
    #3702
    greenspurs
    Registered Users Posts: 10,218 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    Just had my car waxed …..



    How does it get so hairy ….?
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... "



  • Options
    #3703
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    We need a 12-step group for compulsive talkers.


    They could call it, On Anon Anon

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Options
    #3704
    Titclamp
    Closed Accounts Posts: 409 ✭✭Titclamp


    MonkieSocks wrote: »
    We need a 12-step group for compulsive talkers.


    They could call it, On Anon Anon

    Terrible


  • Options
    #3705
    Wtf ?
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 343 ✭✭Wtf ?


    I gave my blind Neighbour a cheese grater for Christmas
    He said it was the best book he ever read..


  • Options
    #3706
    iamstop
    Moderators, Music Moderators Posts: 11,810 Mod ✭✭✭✭iamstop


    Uncle Pierre wrote: »
    I know a midget who was pickpocketed last week. I didn't think anybody could stoop so low.


    PC version - I know a person of short stature who was pickpocketed last week..........

    A midget walked into a whorehouse, he got a box in the face.

    https://open.spotify.com/album/69JKwCcZGdLqX4Upj3DwP7



  • Options
    #3707
    iamstop
    Moderators, Music Moderators Posts: 11,810 Mod ✭✭✭✭iamstop


    If you see a fire man, put it out man

    If you see a bin man, put your rubbish in it man

    If you see a space man, park in it man.

    https://open.spotify.com/album/69JKwCcZGdLqX4Upj3DwP7



  • Options
    #3708
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I just quit my job at the Helium Gas Factory.



    I refuse to be spoken to, in that tone :mad:

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Options
    #3709
    greenspurs
    Registered Users Posts: 10,218 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    I went for an interview for a carpentry job ….

    I nailed it .
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... "



  • Options
    #3710
    Uncle Pierre
    Registered Users Posts: 1,459 ✭✭✭Uncle Pierre


    In my last job interview, I was asked what my strengths are. I gave the usual speech about productivity, teamwork, organisation, etc.

    The interviewer then asked: “and do you have any weaknesses?”

    I answered: “honesty. I’m too honest.”

    “Really?” said the interviewer. “I don’t think honesty is a weakness.”

    And I replied: “I don’t give a f*** what you think!”


  • Options
    #3711
    chooseusername
    Registered Users Posts: 3,588 ✭✭✭chooseusername


    Everyone at John Lennon Airport has been quarantined...




    Imagine all the people!


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    #3712
    MOR316
    Registered Users Posts: 2,205 ✭✭✭MOR316


    "Love Me Do" by The Beatles was written by John Lennon after he got a really nice haircut


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    #3713
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    The guy that decided to wrap an egg in sausage meat and bread crumbs died yesterday.

    RIP Scott Chegg

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Options
    #3714
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    My son came home and told me “I’ve been awarded the Leslie Nielsen award at school today”

    “What’s that?” I asked

    “A large building with lots of kids” he replied

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Options
    #3715
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Some people aren’t shaking hands because of the Coronavirus.






















    I’m not shaking hands because everyone is out of toilet paper.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Options
    #3716
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    With all the football suspended I decided to talk to the wife for once.

    It turns out she's been made redundant from Clerys

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Options
    #3717
    trashcan
    Registered Users Posts: 3,906 ✭✭✭trashcan


    MonkieSocks wrote: »
    With all the football suspended I decided to talk to the wife for once.

    It turns out she's been made redundant from Clerys

    I thought the punchline to that was "she seems quite nice !"


  • Options
    #3718
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    The farther away the future is, the better it looks

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Options
    #3719
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    9 months from now there will be a baby boom.

    13 years later will give rise to the next generation, known as Quarenteens.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Options
    #3720
    greenspurs
    Registered Users Posts: 10,218 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    Im starting to turn into a deodorant !!



    YES, im sure ..
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... "



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  • Options
    #3721
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?

    I've never had a lentil on my face.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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