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Struggling with the dating scene

  • 27-03-2019 10:54pm
    #1
    Registered Users Posts: 219 ✭✭


    I'm hoping it's okay to post this on this forum as I'm sure it's not solely a gay problem, but maybe you guys can relate.

    I am in my thirties and have been pretty much single for my whole adult life. I was kind of late coming out (24 I think) and even at that I've been slow to tell people. I'm only fully comfortable in myself for the past couple of years. I've had only one real "serious" relationship, but that didn't last long. Everything else has been 2 or 3 dates, not much more.

    I've been on Tinder, Grindr, (Gaydar and Manhunt back in the day), been on the scene from time to time, but nothing seems to work for me. I just don't seem to be attracted to that many guys, and the ones I am attracted to don't seem to be interested or are straight!

    I would be a modest guy, but I've been told I'm decent looking, but it doesn't seem to be helping me. I know I will get criticism for this, but I tend to go for more masculine men which seem to be hard to find in the gay community, but I know exist. I've dated more effeminate guys, but I just don't seem to click in the same way I do with masculine guys.

    Sometimes I think that I'm too focused on physical appearance, but I really don't know how else I would instigate a date. I mean, if there's no initial attraction it's difficult to go on a date with someone, otherwise I'd be on a date with every guy that shows a little bit of interest and can hold a conversation!

    A lot of the time I say to myself "my standards are too high", but I don't know how to lower them as ultimately I am making compromises on things I feel are important to me (more than just physical appearance).

    Is there any way of getting out of this rut? I feel like I've spoken to every gay guy in Dublin at this stage and am left on my own. It's really getting me down.


Comments

  • Registered Users Posts: 9,786 ✭✭✭wakka12


    I dont know what we are supposed to say really. I would agree you shouldnt lower your standards just to be with somebody

    Theres a lot of gay people in Dublin, I seriously doubt youve talked to every guy! Maybe try visting other parts of the city on grindr app..?


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,302 ✭✭✭Heebie


    I'm 51, and in the same boat. I meet guys, even some interesting and gorgeous ones, but they're just not what I need in a companion.
    I've not found any magic solution either.
    If anyone has any good advice, I hope they post it.


  • Registered Users Posts: 3,270 ✭✭✭Barna77


    I hear you.
    And dating in Dublin is dire.


  • Moderators, Category Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 21,926 CMod ✭✭✭✭Ten of Swords


    eaglach wrote: »
    I just don't seem to be attracted to that many guys, and the ones I am attracted to don't seem to be interested

    The ones you are interested in, do you know why they weren't interested in you? Did any of them tell you or give you an indication? Is there anything you can work on to try and improve yourself in any way do you think?

    If you have very high standards and are extremely picky about guys then be prepared to be alone for a while, a long while, until you click with someone who ticks your boxes.


  • Registered Users Posts: 219 ✭✭eaglach


    wakka12 wrote: »
    Theres a lot of gay people in Dublin, I seriously doubt youve talked to every guy! Maybe try visting other parts of the city on grindr app..?

    Not talked to, but avoided a lot of them! I'm not sure if I want to spend my evenings parked on the side of a road scrolling through Grindr. Things are bad enough as it is!
    Heebie wrote: »
    I'm 51, and in the same boat. I meet guys, even some interesting and gorgeous ones, but they're just not what I need in a companion.

    Well you're a few steps ahead of me. Maybe pass on the interesting and good looking ones to me!
    Barna77 wrote: »
    I hear you.
    And dating in Dublin is dire.

    Do you think it's any different in other places?
    The ones you are interested in, do you know why they weren't interested in you? Did any of them tell you or give you an indication? Is there anything you can work on to try and improve yourself in any way do you think?

    If you have very high standards and are extremely picky about guys then be prepared to be alone for a while, a long while, until you click with someone who ticks your boxes.

    The problem is that I rarely get beyond the initial "hello" stage on the apps. I guess it's purely physical. They look like attractive guys, they don't find me attractive. I can't do much about that. I'm physically fit, I take care of myself and would consider myself to be decent looking, but everyone has their type. As that saying goes "You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, and there's still going to be somebody who hates peaches".

    I think I would be better on the dating scene if I actually met guys in person. Firstly, I am really unphotogenic. Secondly, I am able to converse well which might not come across in apps. I've tried the scene, but I've found it's mostly the camper side that goes there so it doesn't really work for me. Or perhaps there's a gay bar that's better for that that I'm missing out on?


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  • Registered Users Posts: 3,270 ✭✭✭Barna77


    eaglach wrote: »
    Do you think it's any different in other places?
    How will I know? ;)


  • Registered Users Posts: 7,375 ✭✭✭fletch


    eaglach wrote: »
    Not talked to, but avoided a lot of them! I'm not sure if I want to spend my evenings parked on the side of a road scrolling through Grindr. Things are bad enough as it is!
    You don't need to.


  • Registered Users Posts: 8,242 ✭✭✭AllForIt


    I had 2 serious relationships in my life, one a very sexual passionate one, and the second one a less physical sexual one but a more loving one.

    I never sought out these relationships. They happened organically.

    Both of these relationships came about by engaging in the gay 'scene'.

    I was never 'looking' for a relationship, they just 'happened'.

    I don't understand ppl who are looking to have a relationship. To me they just come about naturally. Looking for them to me, and is the same in the hetro world, is asking for disappointment. You can't just put yourself in 'looking for relationship mode' and expect your endeavors to work out. Most ppl I know who do that end up frustrated and disappointed, hetro ppl included.

    I have to say I can't abide online dating. They are all hook-up sites afaic. Noting wrong with that but as a way to meet ppl in an effort to know them personally, I think it's just a disaster.

    For me there is nothing better than going out socializing. The old fashioned way. Of course in rural Ireland it's hard for gays but both of my lovers were met by myself taking the trouble to travel to places where there is a social gay community. Good old gay bars!


  • Registered Users Posts: 8,512 ✭✭✭baby and crumble


    eaglach wrote: »
    I know I will get criticism for this, but I tend to go for more masculine men which seem to be hard to find in the gay community, but I know exist. I've dated more effeminate guys, but I just don't seem to click in the same way I do with masculine guys.

    There's nothing wrong with having a preference. So long as you're not being mean about people you're not attracted to you're grand!
    eaglach wrote: »
    Sometimes I think that I'm too focused on physical appearance, but I really don't know how else I would instigate a date. I mean, if there's no initial attraction it's difficult to go on a date with someone, otherwise I'd be on a date with every guy that shows a little bit of interest and can hold a conversation!

    The thing is though is that very often you can end up fancying someone you never thought was attractive. I know I've experienced this. Often it's when you're friends and then you see them in a whole other light for some reason. I'm not saying go out with every lad who throws a look in your direction, but I do know that attraction can develop over time. Not everything is thunderbolts. ;)

    Have you tried going to events like Bear Feile, or looking into the Bear scene in general? AFAIK Nealons, while not a gay bar, is pretty much a Bear bar most weekends. that might be a place to start. or leather events etc. I'm not saying you're into bears and leather, OP, but I find that a lot of my more masc gay friends are fans.


  • Registered Users Posts: 34 Almond87


    You might indeed have high standards but as others said, it’s not recommended to lower them otherwise you won’t get too far.

    I lived in Dublin for 5 years. I must say, I’ve never lived in a country where dating was so awkward and shallow. Sorry for being too straightforward but I just have to say it bluntly. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think people mean bad, although I’ve seen a lot of rudeness, both offline and online. From what I spotted, people often don’t know what they want and they don’t have a problem sending the wrong signals to their date. I honestly thought it was me and my standards or personality. And also, there was no language barrier whatsoever. I was expecting to find the friendliness everyone speaks about and to see rudeness in people just sporadically, but not the other way around.

    In the end, I moved overseas. Just a few thousands of miles away to a country where I still don’t speak the language (at least not yet). Best choice of my life! Things are completely different, including in the gay community, dating has been far better and I couldn’t be happier. People there are friendlier than most Dublin locals and they never even pretend to be welcoming in the first place. I’m now visiting Dublin for a few days and just looking around makes me realize I made the right choice.

    Did I ever meet amazing people while I lived in Dublin? Certainly, I’m still in touch with them and their friendship means a lot to me. Was my 5-year experience worthy? For sure it was, it taught me one thing: it’s not me and it’s not them either; it simply works or doesn’t work, and it didn’t in my case.

    Long story short, Dublin’s dating scene was too awkward for me and was awkward for every single other expat I knew. You might want to consider a different country where the culture is more open. Or, the other option you have is exploring the dating scene outside Dublin. The most interesting people I met were from Donegal, Galway and Cork. Not a single one from Dublin. Absolutely no mean to offend anyone here, just describing my experience as it was.

    Wishing you a lot of happiness!


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  • Registered Users Posts: 3,270 ✭✭✭Barna77


    Almond87 wrote: »

    In the end, I moved overseas. Just a few thousands of miles away to a country where I still don’t speak the language (at least not yet). Best choice of my life!
    Where's that promised land and I'll follow!


  • Registered Users Posts: 219 ✭✭eaglach


    Have you tried going to events like Bear Feile, or looking into the Bear scene in general? AFAIK Nealons, while not a gay bar, is pretty much a Bear bar most weekends. that might be a place to start. or leather events etc. I'm not saying you're into bears and leather, OP, but I find that a lot of my more masc gay friends are fans.

    Definitely not my scene! But thanks for the advice.


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