The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

RobMc59 · 24-06-2019 9:39am

My wife asked me to pass her lip balm...
I gave her super glue by mistake .
She's still not talking to me!

The Princess Bride · 24-06-2019 9:44am

I'm birdwatching with Sinead O'Connor.
So far, it's been seven owls and fifteen jays.

byrner88 · 25-06-2019 12:04am

"Pick a card, any card you like," I said to my wife.

"Make sure you memorise it, now put it back with the rest of the pack."

"**** you Brian! It's our anniversary," she replied, before storming out of hallmark.

its_steve116 · 25-06-2019 12:33am

The Princess Bride wrote: »

I'm birdwatching with Sinead O'Connor.
So far, it's been seven owls and fifteen jays.

Since you took your dove away.

Capt'n Midnight · 25-06-2019 6:50pm

We're at that awkward part of the relationship.

She wants to meet my family.

The long silent drive up to the maximum security prison isn't helping.

byrner88 · 26-06-2019 12:03am

My wife left me because I said she was an awful pilot.

I can't believe she took off like that.

[Deleted User] · 26-06-2019 5:30pm

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain.
Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
‘Doesn’t matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.’
The pharmacist fainted.

K.Flyer · 26-06-2019 10:03pm

I was chatting with a mate of mine today, who is a lift engineer.
I asked him how business was..
"Ah.. you know" he says, "up and down".

New Home · 26-06-2019 10:35pm

From "Long Time No See", a book by Dermot Healy:

A local councillor calls into an old man.
He says: "Joejoe, you're looking well!"
and the old man replies, "There were three stages of a man, I was once told - youth, middle age, and...?"
"And?"
"You're looking well!"

byrner88 · 28-06-2019 12:21am

My son started choking on a piece of Lego this morning.

"Pat him on the back!" screamed my wife.

"Well done son," I said, "Well done."

chewed · 28-06-2019 8:36am

Asked my North Korean friend how it was living there.

He said he couldn't complain.

byrner88 · 28-06-2019 2:01pm

My wife wanted me to make love to her like I've never done before.
.
So I pretended to enjoy it

housetypeb · 28-06-2019 2:16pm

My wife told me to tie her up and do anything I wanted,so I tied her up and went for a golfing holiday with the lads to Spain.

byrner88 · 29-06-2019 5:18am

My wife told me she's been a closet lesbian all these years and wishes she had married another woman.

Coincidence or what?

byrner88 · 02-07-2019 12:01am

This guy from over the road was talking to me earlier.

"My wife's just told me she's been having an affair with Dave the milkman," he confided.

"What? That fat ugly ****er I see every morning outside your house?"

"Yes," he laughed, cheering up.

"Why would Dave the milkman want to shag that?"

Bob Harris · 02-07-2019 8:40pm

I bought her indoors a pug dog as a present.
Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes,
and rolls of fat, the dog seems to like her!

byrner88 · 03-07-2019 2:20am

I always smoke after sex

but im not worried about it ,

3 cigarettes a year wont kill me!

Capt'n Midnight · 03-07-2019 8:34pm

'Mommy, what is dark humour?'

'Well sweetheart, you see that man over there with no arms?'

'No Mommy, I'm blind'

'Exactly.'

Capt'n Midnight · 03-07-2019 8:34pm

If cats could email you...

They wouldn’t bother.

Capt'n Midnight · 03-07-2019 8:35pm

Me: I'm terrified of random letters.

Psychiatrist: Oh, are you? (Screaming begins)

Psychiatrist: Oh I see. (Screaming intensifies)

Capt'n Midnight · 03-07-2019 8:39pm

Not saying my local pub is rough, but the first prize in the Christmas raffle is two weeks alibi.

Capt'n Midnight · 03-07-2019 8:40pm

I don't wish to appear like I'm showing off or something, but people put bricks through my windows just so they can hear me practising my saxophone louder!

Capt'n Midnight · 03-07-2019 8:42pm

I used to have a nice car and a nice house until a friend introduced me to drugs.

Now I have a yacht and a Caribbean island.

Capt'n Midnight · 03-07-2019 9:58pm

Q: What are the three things musicians don't talk about?

A: Religion, Politics and Accordions.

Q: What is the difference between an accordion and an anchor?

A: You tie a rope to an anchor before you throw it overboard.

Q: What's the difference between an accordion and an onion?

A: People cry when you chop up an onion.

Q: What's the difference between an accordion and a trampoline?

A: You take your shoes off before you jump on a trampoline.

Q: What's the difference between an accordion player and a terrorist?

A: Terrorists have sympathizers.

Q: What do you call a beautiful woman on an accordion players arm?

A: A tattoo.

Q: What does an accordion and a baseball have in common?

A: People cheer when you hit them with a bat.

Q: What's the definition of perfect pitch? A

A: An accordian hitting a banjo in a dumpster.

Q: What do you call an accordian player without a girlfriend?

A: Homeless.

Why did the accordion player cross the road?......I thought while accelerating.

http://www.jokes4us.com/miscellaneousjokes/musicjokes/accordionjokes.html

Nodster · 03-07-2019 10:21pm

Not saying my local pub is rough, but the tattooed armchairs are a giveaway

byrner88 · 04-07-2019 12:32am

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what could he do to cure his problem.

The doctor said, when you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate try giving yourself a fright. The man thought he'd give it a try and so bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he runs home to his wife.

At home his wife is in bed, naked and waiting on her husband. As the two begin, they find themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, feels the sudden urge to come and fires the starter pistol.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, how did it go? The man answered, not that well, when I fired the pistol my wife **** on my face, bit my cock and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!

everlast75 · 04-07-2019 7:28am

I met Jennifer Aniston at a nightclub once. We got chatting and I asked her who she was there with. She said that she was there with a friend. "Courteney Cox?" I asked "No" she said "but the night is young!"

Bartyman · 04-07-2019 11:58am

Not saying my local pub is rough, but the first question in the pub quiz is, Who the fcuk are you looking at ?

lipso tokko · 04-07-2019 9:30pm

a post on another thread reminded me of this one...

Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years.

He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor.

The Doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.

The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed.He wondered if he had anything to live for.

He had no choice but to go under the knife. The surgery cost him $15,000.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a Men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new Suit.'

He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new Suit.'

The elderly Tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years.'

Joe tried the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new Underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure..'

The salesman said, 'Let's see..... size 36.

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old..'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your Testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a Headache.'

Oscar1978 · 04-07-2019 9:41pm

Two sales reps sitting in a bar. First guy says "I made a fool of myself this morning" , second one "how"? First guy, I was walking up to the check in at the airport and your one behind the desk had the biggest boobs ever. Instead of saying "can I have two tickets to Pittsburgh I said can I have two pickets to titsburg"??!! The second guy says "it happens me all the time, only this morning I was having breakfast with the wife and instead of saying "Could you please pass the butter I said you're ruining my life you fuking b*tch !!!

The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

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