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Finances

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    #32
    Princess Calla
    Registered Users Posts: 5,783 ✭✭✭Princess Calla


    My reading of "enabled " is I knew what I was doing was wrong but no one told me to stop.

    I'm sorry but that's a cop out. Take personal responsibility for your own actions. Don't try to shift the blame onto someone else.

    Rent and house aside, I'm also baffled as to why she feels the need to head to Rome on her own for a break.

    Why aren't you going together (apart from the 40k refurb) . I wouldn't be impressed if himself announced he was heading away on his own and leaving me behind especially to Rome.


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    #33
    Heres Johnny
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,738 ✭✭✭Heres Johnny


    My fiance lives in my house rent free. I always paid the mortgage before she moved in so I was happy to continue. She's a good bit younger than me and earns a good bit less, but she has managed to go back to do a masters degree, learn to drive and buy herself a very nice car in the last 2 years, I'm delighted for her. She keeps her lifestyle too, gets to go out with friends and buy herself nice clothes.
    She does grab the majority of the groceries most weeks so it's not all one way. She would also buy most things like curtains, bedclothes, IKEA stuff, furniture etc.
    Works for me, nothing wrong in my opinion. I just look after all the bills.


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    #34
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Take a long hard think here OP, how do you see the future panning out? Are you ok with this attitude to finances in the future if you get married and/or children arrive?

    I married a woman like this - we split up eventually

    I earned a 6 figure salary yet lived like a pauper for the time we had joint finances.

    I had a decent pension pot because I took it into consideration when taking jobs, made AVCs etc. She didn't

    I made sure there was always money for essentials - she just spent every penny she could get her hands on. Criticised me for being mean, told me I needed new clothes but rarely to never left money for it. Looking back how could I be such a mug?

    Now I'm separated and lost an awful lot of what I worked for. The warning signs were there before we married - I ignored them to my cost


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    #35
    ManOfMystery
    Registered Users Posts: 2,394 ✭✭✭ManOfMystery


    So many things wrong here.

    Look, on the face of it, if you wanted to let her live rent free - that's your choice. But if she has not been paying rent for years and only making the usual contributions to food and bills, then she should be in a situation where she has some money saved or can contribute to larger expenses. The fact that she hasn't got 2 pennies to rub together is a huge red flag and a sign that she spends wrecklessly, i.e. all of her disposable income every month.

    When I met my now-wife, I was living in a rented place and she had her own house. After a couple of years dating, we made the decision to live together and she asked me to move into hers, as it made no sense for her to move into mine. I wanted to pay half the mortgage but she didn't want a penny from me, for numerous reasons - and I assume also as we weren't married or even engaged, she probably didn't want to muddy the waters by bringing a boyfriend into her mortgage dealings. This was not carte blanche for me to suddenly start buying ****e every month just to get rid of my 'extra' money. I instead set up a joint savings account and transferred that lump into it every month, with a view to it being used for wear/tear maintenance, repairs and anything else we were saving towards. We never had to use it much and in the end it made a huge contribution to our wedding costs.

    The house and mortgage are solely in your name, so I can understand some reticence on your OH's part in paying towards work on a house she doesn't have any stake in. But I think given that she's been living rent free for so long, a decent gesture from any normal person would have been to offer some contribution towards it, bearing in mind how much money (€20k+ potentially as a previous posted mentioned) you have saved her in rent alone over the years. Especially as this work is something that she appears to be pushing for.

    I feel like your OH has been taking advantage of your generosity and made no motions at all to save towards anything you may both need money for in future. This is a worrying pattern of behaviour and I can't see it suddenly changing in the morning, so unless you want a future married life where you're constantly having to keep an eye on her expenditure, I think it's time to sit down and have a serious talk. I have a family friend in a similar situation and him and his wife are currently in the middle of a fortnight-long row because she (having never paid rent or contributed to their house etc) has just spent £4k on a shopping spree and can't even account for where most of it went. They're not millionaires by any means, but again, its an example of how wreckless spending and financial disagreements can cause huge marital woes.


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    #36
    beertons
    Hosted Moderators Posts: 23,056 ✭✭✭✭beertons


    We all have mortgage bills, food bills and utilities. If yee earn roughly the same, where does her money go? If she wants a kitchen, let her get the loan and pay for it. She has a bit of growing up to do. Fast.


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    #37
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    New kitchens cost a fortune. Many people get their units sprayed , maybe new work top and they can look very good , for a fraction the cost of a new kitchen! How old is the current kitchen ?


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    #38
    Diceicle
    Registered Users Posts: 1,799 ✭✭✭Diceicle


    If she's not paying rent she should be BRINGING YOU to Rome for a break......


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    #39
    LLMMLL
    Registered Users Posts: 4,588 ✭✭✭LLMMLL


    I see no issue with how things have gone so far. You wanted her to have the money to keep up with your lifestyle and chose not to charge rent because of this. As long as you are happy with that then I wouldn't listen to the cries of "being taken advantage of" and "enabling" you'll hear on here.

    As for the current situation, I don't think she should be paying towards a new kitchen even if she is the one that wants it. She doesn't own your house and may never have any stake in it.

    However, I would ask her to start paying some form of rent. You can use the fact that you have to take out a loan as justification that you are now under extra financial pressure. I'd ask her to set up a standing order that comes out on her payday. Do not have a situation where you have to chase her for money every month that she's already spent. That's a relationship killer.

    I also think you should drop the complaints about her trip to Rome.


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    #40
    nkl12xtw5goz70
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,497 ✭✭✭nkl12xtw5goz70


    Princess Calla wrote: »
    She will have a claim to half of it in less than 12 months!

    Pretty shrewd on her part, live for free for 5 yrs, break up and claim half the value of the house.

    After five years living together, she will be a "qualified cohabitant," but that doesn't give her an automatic entitlement to half the OP's home.

    She might have the right to go to court and seek maintenance payments if she can show that she is financially dependent on the OP — but the fact that they both work, have separate finances, and no children should be an argument against that.

    Regardless, 5 years living together = half your house is not an accurate interpretation of the legislation, in my view.


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    #41
    Diceicle
    Registered Users Posts: 1,799 ✭✭✭Diceicle


    I think she should be contributing something to the Mortgage - even from the perspective of her feeling, she has some skin in the game. Does she pay for the weekly shop etc?

    From her perspective, and as others have said, I would be somewhat resistant to shelling out thousands on a kitchen for (effectively) someone else's house - what if you broke up next year? She's out 10k (?) and you've got a new kitchen. I'm certain thats not your goal but shid happens.

    It could be argued that by having her pay nothing and live in your house for free it is in some way infantilizing her. And I can see how some blokes (not saying the OP is doing this but) LIKE to take care of all the bills - helps to put themselves on the 'bread-winner' pedestal and maintain traditional gender-roles to a degree. That's my theory anyway.

    She needs to contribute fully to the household commensurate with her salary to feel like a fully engaged member of this team.


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    #42
    moonage
    Registered Users Posts: 794 ✭✭✭moonage


    Deleted User wrote: »
    She lives there rent free the last few years and thinks it needs updating. She really wants this work done, more so than me.

    If the issue was she doesn't feel like it's her house I would of just said ok and not bothered with the work, it's grand for a few more years. She wants this work as much if not more than me.

    When she comes back from Rome tell her you've decided not to get the work done to your house. You're quite happy with your house as it is, at least for another few years.


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    #43
    emilymemily
    Registered Users Posts: 343 ✭✭emilymemily


    Sounds like you are her piggy bank. Why would she bother saving when you cover all the costs?
    She is a spoiled little princess that will bleed you dry if you let her.


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    #44
    dellas1979
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,128 ✭✭✭dellas1979


    OP - I think other posters are being very hard on her - after all, she does do the odd shop and pays half an electricity bill.

    (hoping reverse psychology will work here!)

    One other question, if you don't take the loan out to do these works, what is her reply to this/what does she say? Is it an ultimatum?


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    #45
    lawred2
    Registered Users Posts: 24,270 ✭✭✭✭lawred2


    [Deleted User] wrote: »
    I'm trying to figure out if I am being unreasonable here as my other half has me believing I am.

    Were going out about 4 years. Not married, no kids. She's awful with money, I'm pretty good. We keep our finances seperate and we're both happy with this.

    We need to get some work done to the house, costing around 40k. We've known we've needed this for about 2 years. In that time I've managed to save around 10k towards it. She's saved nothing. We earn roughly the same, I earn a little more.

    A builder is available to do the work for us now so I'm going for a loan (I've to go for the loan in my name only as her credit record is so poor). But my girlfriend has told me she is booking herself a trip to Rome for a few days on her own to take photos as she needs a break. I'm pissed cos I think she should be putting the money toward the house work and not going on holidays. She says she'll be paying back the same amount as me monthly so what's the problem. I told her I'm putting 10k into it and she needs to make a better effort and not be heading to Rome to spend money.

    Am I wrong to be annoyed?

    Ask her when you can expect the 20k towards the refurb work?

    You're being taken for a mug.


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    #46
    Paddy Cow
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,576 ✭✭✭Paddy Cow


    Deleted User wrote: »
    Rent free for years and poor credit rating, how do you even manage that!
    And no savings!

    Op she has some cheek pushing for a 40 grand makeover you don't need without contributing anything and suddenly swanning off on holiday. I'd be p!ssed. She seriously needs to address her attitude. What happens if you got sick or fired and you both had to rely on her being the money earner? Imagine trying to pay back the loan with just her income. Think long and hard about this.


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    #47
    lawred2
    Registered Users Posts: 24,270 ✭✭✭✭lawred2


    bubblypop wrote: »
    Sorry, but maybe she doesn't see why she should put money into a house she doesn't own?
    I can understand that Tbh.
    Maybe you both need to talk about the house & who pays what.

    She doesn't own nor rent. Saves nothing but demands a fancy kitchen without seeing a need to contribute herself.

    A grade A sponger.


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    #48
    lawred2
    Registered Users Posts: 24,270 ✭✭✭✭lawred2


    foodie86 wrote: »
    I’d easily spend €100 + a week on fresh food for home cooking so it does add up. I would have no problem living like your girlfriend and wouldn’t be mortified. There are plenty of similar women out there!

    BUT Your enabling her habits and she does need to cop on herself with the bad credit. Leave her off on the holiday or she’ll get sour with you but sit down and have a chat about where both yere money is going and how it’s going to fund the future.

    I developed terrible spending habits because I was enabled but in the long run a serious chat and a trip to the bank immediately after have helped to settle things.

    Don’t let it go on as she’ll only keep spending her money mainly on herself!

    Mind. Blown.


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    #49
    killbillvol2
    Registered Users Posts: 5,178 ✭✭✭killbillvol2


    lawred2 wrote: »
    She doesn't own nor rent. Saves nothing but demands a fancy kitchen without seeing a need to contribute herself.

    A grade A sponger.

    If I was the OP I'd take the opportunity to change the locks while she was swanning around Rome and leave her stuff in the front garden.

    Then I'd head off for a few weeks to somewhere exotic on the strength of the money I wouldn't be spending on the non urgent work.


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    #50
    Paddy Cow
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,576 ✭✭✭Paddy Cow


    lawred2 wrote: »
    She doesn't own nor rent. Saves nothing but demands a fancy kitchen without seeing a need to contribute herself.

    A grade A sponger.
    What happens if/when they decide to marry? Will the op be expected to pay to give his Princess the special day she deserves?


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    #51
    beauf
    Closed Accounts Posts: 22,651 ✭✭✭✭beauf


    [Deleted User] wrote: »
    ...But my girlfriend has told me she is booking herself a trip to Rome for a few days on her own ...

    I think you are missing the bigger picture. There is a lack of commitment and disconnection here that has red flags all over it.


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    #52
    lainey_d_123
    Registered Users Posts: 2,385 ✭✭✭lainey_d_123


    Heres Johnny wrote: »
    My fiance lives in my house rent free. I always paid the mortgage before she moved in so I was happy to continue. She's a good bit younger than me and earns a good bit less, but she has managed to go back to do a masters degree, learn to drive and buy herself a very nice car in the last 2 years, I'm delighted for her. She keeps her lifestyle too, gets to go out with friends and buy herself nice clothes.
    She does grab the majority of the groceries most weeks so it's not all one way. She would also buy most things like curtains, bedclothes, IKEA stuff, furniture etc.
    Works for me, nothing wrong in my opinion. I just look after all the bills.

    Well of course she has...she's living rent free and letting someone else subsidise all her major costs. Is this supposed to be some sort of achievement? I went back to do a Master's at 25, having scrimped and saved for 3 years while working 2 jobs and living in a sh1tty flatshare because that's what adults do. I had an older boyfriend at the time and would rather have died than let him pay for me in any way. Why should a grown, able bodied person not pay their own way?

    Love all the people saying 'but she pays for the groceries' as if paying for your own food plus a bit more is supposed to be some sort of equal contribution.

    If I lived with someone and paid for small things while they covered the rent/mortgage and bills so that I could spend all my money on new cars for myself, nice clothes and going out with friends, I'd feel like an absolute user and would consider my OH an absolute sap.


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    #53
    LuciX
    Closed Accounts Posts: 156 ✭✭LuciX


    lainey_d_123 wrote: »
    she's living rent free and letting someone else subsidise all her major costs. Is this supposed to be some sort of achievement?

    If I lived with someone and paid for small things while they covered the rent/mortgage and bills so that I could spend all my money on new cars for myself, nice clothes and going out with friends, I'd feel like an absolute user and would consider my OH an absolute sap.

    But that's exactly what he is...

    Mind you, she was barely legal when they met... #justsaying and that plays a big part in this set up #daddyissues (Mr.
    Heres Johnny)

    He walks around with a drophy/leach under his arm.

    She walks away with a big pot of money saved at his expenses.

    Works out cheaper than a professional in the end ;) well done Johnny

    As the saying goes: there's no fool like an old fool ����


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    #54
    GingerLily
    Registered Users Posts: 4,767 ✭✭✭GingerLily


    What exactly is the age difference? I think that factor is playing a massive factor in this.

    She sounds very young, and if she is I don't a lot of the responses are fair at all.


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    #55
    lainey_d_123
    Registered Users Posts: 2,385 ✭✭✭lainey_d_123


    GingerLily wrote: »
    What exactly is the age difference? I think that factor is playing a massive factor in this.

    She sounds very young, and if she is I don't a lot of the responses are fair at all.

    They've been together 4 years and is working. How young can she possibly be?


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    #56
    ILoveYourVibes
    Registered Users Posts: 15,176 ✭✭✭✭ILoveYourVibes


    Deleted User wrote: »
    Yes I pay it alone.

    No she does feel like it's her house she's the one always giving out about the kitchen etc not me!

    I don't want to go down the route of her paying more back. I'd rather it was split evenly as if she had to pay more I'd probably end up covering her anyway and that could cause sone friction


    Does she have her name on the deeds?

    I mean does the house belong to BOTH of you ..or is it just yours?

    I might think why should i pay for upkeep on a house that i might not be living in in about 10 yrs etc.

    Is it a family home /couple home ..or your home?

    And you don't let her contribute to the mortgage because then she would own part of your house. So don't go on you let her live there rent free etc.

    Its your house. Pay for your own housemaker over.

    If you want her to help ..put her on the deeds officially.


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    #57
    sportsfan90
    Registered Users Posts: 600 ✭✭✭sportsfan90


    ILoveYourVibes wrote: »
    Does she have her name on the deeds?

    I mean does the house belong to BOTH of you ..or is it just yours?

    I might think why should i pay for upkeep on a house that i might not be living in in about 10 yrs etc.

    Is it a family home /couple home ..or your home?

    And you don't let her contribute to the mortgage because then she would own part of your house. So don't go on you let her live there rent free etc.

    Its your house. Pay for your own housemaker over.

    If you want her to help ..put her on the deeds officially.

    Not sure if you even read any of the thread but it wasn't the OP's idea to do up the house, it was his girlfriends.

    It's also seems to be her idea for him to pay for the renovations that was her idea.


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    #58
    ILoveYourVibes
    Registered Users Posts: 15,176 ✭✭✭✭ILoveYourVibes


    sportsfan90 wrote: »
    Not sure if you even read any of the thread but it wasn't the OP's idea to do up the house, it was his girlfriends.

    It's also seems to be her idea for him to pay for the renovations that was her idea.


    I don't believe that.

    Maybe the op believes it but i don't.


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    #59
    P2C
    Registered Users Posts: 251 ✭✭P2C


    I am married to my wife for ten years. When we met first I had two properties a job and pretty much paid for everything as she was in college and had f..k all. She contributed what she wanted and that was all that was ever asked for over the years. Through the recession there were some lean years where I worked two jobs to keep everything a float but gladly were now out the other end. Roll on ten years my wife now earns much more than me and obviously contributes more as everything is joined together. She inherited a load of money unexpectedly and we were able to clear mortgages I thought we would pay off for the next twenty years. There is always give and take and there is a long road ahead and a lot of give and take.


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    #60
    Paddy Cow
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,576 ✭✭✭Paddy Cow


    ILoveYourVibes wrote: »
    I don't believe that.

    Maybe the op believes it but i don't.
    What a condescending thing to say. The op is knows his situation far more than you do.


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    #61
    ILoveYourVibes
    Registered Users Posts: 15,176 ✭✭✭✭ILoveYourVibes


    Paddy Cow wrote: »
    What a condescending thing to say. The op is knows his situation far more than you do.


    Then why is he in this situation?

    He owns a house ...he pays all the mortgage etc? ..She owns NOTHING...and she is the one making the final decision over whether it gets done or not? That makes no sense. Of course he can refuse to pay and not get it done. Its his house. His money. He can choose not to.

    He said it NEEDED to be done in the op.



    Op just don't get it done then if its causing THIS much strife. Just say no i don't want to do the house at this point. Its your house. Its your money. If its not your idea and only the gf's idea then say no.


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