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Single in your 40s

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  • Registered Users Posts: 625 ✭✭✭dd973


    It's odd how people who meet this soulmate sibling they can have conjugal relations with before the age of 25 think #1 they're the only heterosexuals on the planet and #2 luck has played no role in their lives.

    Maybe there are people who are born temperamentally and emotionally 'couply', it's hardwired into their personalities to be with someone or actively looking for someone.

    There might statistically be 'someone for everyone' but what use is that if this person is living in Chile or the arse end of Canada and you're never going to meet them?

    Living near me are a young couple who look tied together at the ankles, leave the house together, go back to the house together, when I see them I'm split between envy and 'can't those sad bastards look after themselves?'.

    Another pair near me is this monosyllabic thug and his blonde gf with two young kids though God knows how it's all being bankrolled, seen the bloke involved in what suspiciously looks like drug dealing, nasty piece of work yet someone's seen him and saw their sunlit dream.:confused:

    Getting on for 50 now and don't give a toss anymore, pay for female company one or twice a year, been a while now with the pandemic so looking forward to the next visit. :P


  • Registered Users Posts: 70 ✭✭RojaStar


    dd973 wrote: »
    It's odd how people who meet this soulmate sibling they can have conjugal relations with before the age of 25 think #1 they're the only heterosexuals on the planet and #2 luck has played no role in their lives.

    I think it's less about luck and more that people have different expectations of relationships. What might make one person content might be another person's idea of complete drudgery.

    Some people mistake codependency for love. Other people just settle for someone because it's the easy answer, most convenient option or the 'logical' next step (ETA but few would be honest enough with themselves to admit that).


  • Registered Users Posts: 4,812 ✭✭✭Addle


    RojaStar wrote: »
    I think it's less about luck and more that people have different expectations of relationships. What might make one person content might be another person's idea of complete drudgery.

    Some people mistake codependency for love. Other people just settle for someone because it's the easy answer, most convenient option or the 'logical' next step (ETA but few would be honest enough with themselves to admit that).
    Some people just make a decision too.
    It’s a box ticking exercise.


  • Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Senior wrote: »
    Agree with what you are saying but the apps are good for sex, so they have their uses.

    I must be doing it wrong because every app I've used nearly every woman has NO HOOK UPS NO ONS on their profile, as if men must be just harassing them for sex all the time.
    I can't even do no strings sex anyway as I only ever want to have sex with people that I want more than just sex from.
    At this stage I've accepted that I may never have sex again, it's been so long now I forget what it's like anyway!


  • Registered Users Posts: 583 ✭✭✭Sonic the Shaghog


    Not even being funny the best way to shut up these comments is usually something like "ugh putting up listening to little brats no thanks"

    Or "Jesus no I haven't the patience to live with a woman"

    They'll get taken aback and might think you're a bit of cnut but in my experience it's like it slowly sinks in that you've a point to most people

    I've also heard some women say they haven't the patience for dealing with a man and it also works


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  • Registered Users Posts: 1,474 ✭✭✭Mimon


    Trying not to be judgmental but visiting prostitutes could mean you are complicit in trafficking or at a minimum supporting people with mental health/drug problems being controlled by ruthless people.


  • Registered Users Posts: 4,130 ✭✭✭standardg60


    I must be doing it wrong because every app I've used nearly every woman has NO HOOK UPS NO ONS on their profile, as if men must be just harassing them for sex all the time.
    I can't even do no strings sex anyway as I only ever want to have sex with people that I want more than just sex from.
    At this stage I've accepted that I may never have sex again, it's been so long now I forget what it's like anyway!

    I am exactly the same OP, my relationships failed for the same reasons too, not wanting to be with them all the time, though for me it was that that led to the losing interest, as they equivocated that to meaning i didn't want to be with them at all, and that doubt invariably crept in.


  • Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Mimon wrote: »
    Trying not to be judgmental but visiting prostitutes could mean you are complicit in trafficking or at a minimum supporting people with mental health/drug problems being controlled by ruthless people.

    Have I been visiting prostitutes without realising it? News to me!
    Sex is alien to me now, a young man's game!


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,359 ✭✭✭micosoft


    For me it boils down to this "I live in a family suburb" which is driving your sense of doubt. You've created cognitive dissonance by choosing one life style but living in a community leading a different lifestyle. That's very difficult. Its why most of the happiest gay people I know live in an apartment in London or NYC or San Francisco. Because there is a similar community there and they don't feel alienated or doubt if they had chosen a conventional lifestyle in suburbs. Humans have a need to conform. Take yourself out of the family suburb (why? the only good reason to live in a family suburb is... because you have a family and need space/schools etc) and move to the City Centre. Socialise with people live a similar lifestyle to you. Soon that doubt will evaporate.


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,681 ✭✭✭Porklife


    I agree with the above and the Op said he was much happier living in New York but for visa reasons can't return.
    After a period of feeling a similar loneliness years ago, I moved to Berlin. It was a great experience and I was suddenly thrown into a buzzing vibrant life but a deep niggling loneliness always trickled under the surface. I think as we get older too, moving to the city centre can somewhat amplify feelings of emptiness when there's so much going on around you but youre by yourself. The Op felt this after being in the park and I can completely relate.

    It's tough Op and i totally understand how you feel cos i felt the same way for years. I've often felt lonely even when I'm in a relationship and really like the guy. Maybe it's just a void in me.

    If it's any solace, know that you're not alone in feeling like this and there's nothing wrong with being single at any age. Surround yourself with things that challenge you and/or make you happy be it music, writing, cooking, cycling, whatever the case may be. Once lockdown lifts, join meet up.com or similar and throw yourself into social events. Online dating sucks but it can be fun if you don't take it too seriously. Go on dates, have hook ups, keep on swiping.
    There are no guarantees and life constantly shocks and amazes me in equal measure. I hope you find contentment with or without a woman by your side. You have alot of positives going for you and who knows where you might find yourself next year or month or even tomorrow.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Apart from a few extremely expensive areas though the rest of Dublin is just semi-d dreary suburbia.
    I have looked at renting somewhere more lively and urban in say Ranelagh or Phibsborough or somewhere in D4 and there is literally nothing anything remotely affordable for someone to rent on their own!
    I have to count my blessings I have anywhere affordable to live at all given the circumstances in Ireland, so moaning about having no cafes or hip bars nearby is a bit first world problemy, I'm trying to be grateful for what I have, even if sometimes I feel like I don't fit in.

    Life is good, I just struggle sometimes with where it is all going, but I'm studying at night and I'm hoping in the next few years I might be able to get some job I can do remotely, I would take a very modest salary if it gave me the flexibility to live abroad for months at a time.

    I'm hoping my spirits lift some more when society starts to open up and my options are greater. Sorry for the diary style posts I'm sick listening to myself too, don't worry!


  • Registered Users Posts: 32,634 ✭✭✭✭Graces7


    I think we go thought phases on these things and that it is healthy and normal to do so

    I went through a spell of, well, grief, in my early 50s, being alone etc. "Neither chick nor child. " etc. And no living relatives.. With me it was a deep loneliness also. I have a disabling illness so life was very limited.

    And I think it is perfectly normal and healthy to assess and reassess and , yes, grieve.

    Now, about 25 years on, ! And I am settled with who and where I am. Things opened up/changed enough, in unexpected ways, that I am fulfilled and at peace. Busy!

    Just be sure that as someone very famous said, "This too shall pass" when things get hard.

    You sound to have your head on your shoulders about it all! Good luck!


  • Registered Users Posts: 939 ✭✭✭bitofabind


    I think Covid has made us all a lot more introspective and self-reflective. I spent the first lockdown self-isolating on my own in a small flat in London, staring at the same four walls, back-to-back work zoom calls during the day and then my own navel gazing thoughts to deal with in the evening. I'd never been so exposed to my own thought process and emotions before in my life, the mixture of loneliness, sadness, overwhelm and grief I experienced was intense.

    We're in Year Two now and fatigue has set in for all of us, for the single of us I don't know how you could escape that intense loneliness and sadness from time to time. It's there because your human, try to meet it with awareness and self-compassion. Don't ruminate on it, just notice it and let it pass through you. I got into a little habit of talking to myself with these hard feelings, "ah, there it is again. Need to take it easy on myself today" and would throw on a podcast and march out the door for a two-hour walk, or have a little cry, or whatever. Just let it pass. You're not alone in feeling these things

    What are single people in their 40s supposed to do with themselves?

    What is any person meant to do with themselves? Just crack on and find a bit of peace and self-acceptance. Do what makes you feel good and learn how to like and trust yourself. Relationships can be great, but they don't problem solve for this stuff. We all have to face ourselves at the end of it all. I wonder if this is why you've had challenges staying in relationships beyond the honeymoon period in the past, because once you get past the relationship "high" and settle into the status quo, it stops "saving" you from having to deal with yourself. Your thoughts, your feelings, unresolved stuff from your past.

    I think finding self-acceptance in your life as it is, and in you as you are, would be the best next step for you. And that includes being ok with not having the answers to these bigger questions.


  • Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Yes bitofabind you're right there, once meeting someone new wears off I'm still left with all these existential thoughts and the reality that I'm not quite content with life comes to the fore and I don't want to be in a relationship any more, once I realise they're not the answer to all my problems.
    If I had a job I like and was more happy with things in general I'd probably be in a much better position to hold down a good relationship.
    But I've definitely made a lot of progress towards becoming happy doing my own thing, it's just taking time, and I didn't think I'd still be figuring it all out at my age, but it's probably the same for everyone. It must be even harder if you have kids running around and you're married, it would be for me anyway.
    I remember I couldn't list even one thing when hobbies or interests came up apart from the usual boring stuff like the gym or travelling, but I'm slowly building up on things to keep me busy and growing the interests I have, doing all these little things adds up and I am starting to feel like I have a busy enough life in my own way.
    I also feel better about finally realising I have to get the hell out of my job, even if it takes a few years, but it feels freeing now that I've worked out a way of getting out of there.
    Thanks again all.


  • Registered Users Posts: 7,607 ✭✭✭YellowLead


    unreallife wrote: »
    OP you are not alone... many here are around your age and single. Most because they haven't met the right partner since last relationship. The older we get the harder it is to tolerate another person with his/her own established habits on a daily basis.
    It's easier to be alone and gives greater freedom. Though this is just a self-comfort for not having met the right partner yet which would be the ideal of course for most (although many may not admit it).
    Maybe we just need an alternative app to be developed and leave tinder for folks in their 20s...

    Don’t forget there is hinge and bumble :)
    Anyone ever used a matchmaker? I’m curious but costs seem to be hard to find out....prob because they charge a lot.


  • Registered Users Posts: 965 ✭✭✭SnuggyBear


    Kind of feeling the same lately. Feeling like I'm missing out but at the same time not bothered with the effort of a relationship. My sex drive has gone off a cliff lately so I don't even have that motivation anymore. Tinder is painful even if I can get a decent amount of matches and I delete it after a day. Try again 6 months later and the same people are still on it.

    I barely have time to myself when I'm working but being out of work during the lockdowns had me wondering about the future and being alone for life.

    Not sure what the solution is op but your not alone.


  • Registered Users Posts: 232 ✭✭Segotias


    Like so many here I'm the same early 40's, online has proved a disaster, I find men my own age who want to settle down are looking for younger women as they're looking to have a family.

    When I was on tinder it was just people looking for hook ups or ONS

    I tried match, while I got a better response rate I still got a good few 21yo's looking for hook up, all looking for the "cougar" experience, they didn't mind my age, I had to remind them for me to be a cougar I'd have to be chasing them and age was a factor for me.

    Of there rest there was no spark with anyone, some random catfishing and one who got in too heavy too soon for what was a non runner.

    For now with hopefully more things opening and coming back to normal I'll be focusing on getting back to myself and happy and content in my own skin as such and then will see from there.

    At this point I've gone this long being single its not a big deal to stay that way


  • Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,856 Mod ✭✭✭✭Hannibal_Smith


    Mod Note

    As the thread is straying into general dating discussion and the OP has plenty to go on as it is, I'm going to close the thread here.

    It may be of interest to some but boards has an online dating forum. You can request access to it here. Also there is a forum request thread that seems to be still live looking to set up a forum for Singles Over 40 that some might be interested in voting on here.

    Thanks all for taking the time to offer help and advice

    HS


This discussion has been closed.
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