1 year old won't sleep in cot

Uptheduff · 13-04-2021 11:57am #1

My 12 month old has always slept in her cot at night, we never co-slept before. But starting a few weeks ago she wakes at night and will not be put back in the cot. The only way anyone gets any sleep is to let her come into our bed.

Now she's also become much harder to put to sleep for the night. She needs to be held until she falls asleep or she'll sit up, stand up and shout til shes picked up again. It took 2 hours to get her to finally drop off last night, then at midnight she had to come into our bed.

I don't know what started this change or how to break the cycle. Does anyone have any insights or advice? I'm not good at just allowing her to cry because at 3am I have no patience for that.

annoyedgal · 13-04-2021 12:52pm

Personally I would be inclined to go with her lead for now. Try the cot but if she is very upset let her sleep in your bed and hold her until she falls asleep.
Keep trying the cot if that is what she was used to and chances are she will go back to it again when she's ready.
She could be going through a big developmental leap or teething. Think I remember a clingy phase around this time too.
Most importantly don't stress, it will pass!

lazygal · 13-04-2021 1:19pm

I'm all about what maximises sleep for everyone. I have gone through phases of having my kids in our bed at various ages, which they naturally grew out of from about 4 years or older.

I have a 2 year old who woke distressed on Sunday night at 1am. No way was I going to try to get him back to sleep in that state in his room when I could bring him into our bed and be back to sleep within minutes. Last night he slept in his room as normal.

fits · 13-04-2021 3:33pm

I bed shared with my twins up to the age of two. Both sleep all night in their own rooms now at age of four. They never come into our bed either. Just do whatever it takes to get your sleep.

witchgirl26 · 13-04-2021 4:45pm

I agree with the others in doing what helps get everyone sleep. My little boy does love his cot & his sleep but he likes to be cuddled to sleep at night (he's fine with his nap) & it can take about an hour to get him down but it means he goes down happy & generally doesn't wake again. Maybe try the cuddling to sleep, transferring into the cot & seeing if that helps keeps her down.

Also one thing we've found is that until my little boy is in a deep sleep, he doesn't like it to be completely dark so we leave the light on (we have a dimmer switch in his room so it's down to the lowest) so it's not pitch dark.

Uptheduff · 13-04-2021 7:42pm

Thanks for all the feedback. As long as the bed sharing doesn't become a habit I can live with it in the short term. She must just be going through a needy phase. The bright evenings probably don't help with the initial going down either. She's always been breastfed to sleep but it's not doing the trick anymore so there might just be an adjustment until we get a new routine that works.

bee06 · 13-04-2021 8:32pm

There’s a big sleep regression at 12 months. My now three year old went through it. I’d be on the do whatever you have to to get sleep but I love bedsharing for the cuddles (until he started kicking in his sleep!).

Uptheduff · 13-04-2021 10:46pm

bee06 wrote: »

There’s a big sleep regression at 12 months. My now three year old went through it. I’d be on the do whatever you have to to get sleep but I love bedsharing for the cuddles (until he started kicking in his sleep!).

I hear you, little thrashing legs in the vicinity of your boobs isn't the best way to get a good night's sleep

shesty · 14-04-2021 7:27am

I would suggest working on her bedtime though ...you said there she was breastfed to slep?If that's stopped she does have a big adjustment to make in terms of learning to go to sleep, it's a process she will have to learn over again basically.If you could get her to gently learn to lie down and fall asleep herself at bedtime it will probably help at night.(and it will help you in the long run).You will probably have to sit there for quite a few nights with her at bedtime, or sit right at her door or whatever works for you,until she drops off.Explain to her what is happening, maybe get a special teddy or something if she hasn't got one already.It will take time and patience.

The Mighty Quinn · 14-04-2021 7:43am

My 14 month old spent about 10 days recently where she'd generally be put to bed okay, but within 2 hours she'd wake in anguish and heavy crying for us.

Initially we took her up and comforted her and took her into our bed. She was clearly exhausted but only got giddy and buzzy in our bed and distraught when we'd try her back in cot an hour later.

After a few days of it we tried repeating her bedtime routine when she woke, few oz of milk, lying on spare bed in feeding pillow, then into her room to read a story in armchair and into cot. This was a success. After a few nights the crying was less upset and more "I'm awake", so we let her settle herself which worked well.

Last few days now she's back to sleeping through the night since put down thankfully.

Oscar Madison · 14-04-2021 7:50am

Uptheduff wrote: »

Thanks for all the feedback. As long as the bed sharing doesn't become a habit I can live with it in the short term. She must just be going through a needy phase. The bright evenings probably don't help with the initial going down either. She's always been breastfed to sleep but it's not doing the trick anymore so there might just be an adjustment until we get a new routine that works.[/QUOTE

I used to find my youngest in our bed at 7/8. She loved the size of the bed

and the heat generated from another body. A little comfort I suppose!

I miss those days!

Cosmo Kramer · 14-04-2021 9:15am

We had the same issue at about 12 months. But I would be more of the tough love approach when it comes to these things so there was no way she was getting into our bed, just a non starter for me. I hear horror stories of 2 and 3 year olds still sleeping in parents beds every night. My wife was going into the nursery and spending hours with her with no success, she just wouldn't sleep while she knew she was there.

Anyway the cry it out approach was very successful for us in the end. The key is consistent checks at increasing intervals - 3 minutes, then 5 minutes later, then 7 minutes later, then 10 minutes later. We never had to go longer than that really, she just accepted it and fell asleep. Don't physically engage or pick her up, that will just encourage her to cry more. Just use the visits to let her know you are there so she doesn't feel in any way scared. Then return to your own room until the next interval so she understands you will not take her out of the cot.

https://sleepopolis.com/blog/cry-it-out-baby-sleep-training/

andreac · 14-04-2021 10:27am

Cosmo Kramer wrote: »

We had the same issue at about 12 months. But I would be more of the tough love approach when it comes to these things so there was no way she was getting into our bed, just a non starter for me. I hear horror stories of 2 and 3 year olds still sleeping in parents beds every night. My wife was going into the nursery and spending hours with her with no success, she just wouldn't sleep while she knew she was there.

Anyway the cry it out approach was very successful for us in the end. The key is consistent checks at increasing intervals - 3 minutes, then 5 minutes later, then 7 minutes later, then 10 minutes later. We never had to go longer than that really, she just accepted it and fell asleep. Don't physically engage or pick her up, that will just encourage her to cry more. Just use the visits to let her know you are there so she doesn't feel in any way scared. Then return to your own room until the next interval so she understands you will not take her out of the cot.

https://sleepopolis.com/blog/cry-it-out-baby-sleep-training/

Wow, your child wanting to be comforted in your bed is a horror story?? How awful.
Cry it out is not a method most parents want to use. I couldn't imagine leaving my child who wants their mammy or daddy to comfort them during the night, to just cry and leave them on their own, thats a horror story to me.

14-04-2021 10:39am

We had something similar around the 12 month point, the little one was just hysterical for a few weeks as soon as they noticed we were not in the room.

We never took them in to our bed, we found if we laid them back in the cot and sat with them they would calm down and eventually sleep. Not saying it was easy, some nights it went on for 3 or 4 hours, wake up, get hysterical, sit with them and calm them down, go back to sleep, wake up when they realised we were gone and repeat again and again.

After about 3 weeks it just stopped as soon as it had started so remember it’s just a phase.

ec18 · 14-04-2021 10:41am

we went through a similar thing a few months ago, we kept starting out with the cot and and if needed to lie with us we did it in his room and then cot when they calmed down...it passed after a month or so. Turned out he was teething and went back to normal when all the teeth were up.

Cry it out is controversial works for some doesn't for others....didn't work for us but did for friends. I'm with Cosmo on the never in our bed crew. That's just something that's not an option here

GreeBo · 14-04-2021 10:45am

I wouldn't use cry it out, but wouldn't let either of ours sleep with us unless they were sick or something out of the ordinary had happened.

We just took the time to comfort and put them back into their own cots/beds and stay with them until they calm down.

Sure it might take hours some nights, but I'd rather a few nights of that and then back to everyone in their own bed than the alternative of not getting a proper sleep for weeks/months/years.

GreeBo · 14-04-2021 10:48am

andreac wrote: »

Wow, your child wanting to be comforted in your bed is a horror story?? How awful.

Thats incredibly disingenuous and not at all what the other poster said.

andreac wrote: »

Cry it out is not a method most parents want to use. I couldn't imagine leaving my child who wants their mammy or daddy to comfort them during the night,

Sorry but you dont speak for "most parents" and what you cant imagine is different to what others cant imagine.

andreac wrote: »

to just cry and leave them on their own, thats a horror story to me.

Leave them on their own?

Perhaps you missed this part of their post?
"the key is consistent checks at increasing intervals - 3 minutes, then 5 minutes later, then 7 minutes later, then 10 minutes later."

McSween · 14-04-2021 10:54am

Our 15 Jan 2020 boy wasnt enjoying creche start in November, got ear infection, high tempersture over xmas. He had been in his own room and them with my wife until then. She then departed the room and I started putting him to bed, changing him during night etc. One or two have said to us they know the daddy isnt necessarily the soft touch the mummy can be. It is worth a try.

We are at a point in the last week that I left the room and he is realising he is on his own. Honestly, my snoring could have disturbed him also. But with 3 or 4 months more age on him he is doing much better at night now.

He even has an the en suite room :-)

afatbollix · 14-04-2021 10:59am

I agree with Cosmo,

It's about getting the child to understand that the parents are there, They haven't left but it's about getting the child to understand that they have to help themselves to sleep. Mummy and Daddy can help sometimes but it's up to the child to learn to get to sleep themselves. As they say its all a phase.

We all want the easy route, Be that sleeping in the parent's bed or feeding to sleep but at the end of the day it will take them longer to figure out how to get to sleep on their own. There is no right or wrong here

It's up to the parents which route they want to take.

It does not make them horrible parents or someone thinking your a horrible parent for still feeding them to sleep at 2 years old.

Cosmo Kramer · 14-04-2021 12:49pm

I actually think possibly the biggest issue with cry it out is the name. It creates images of just leaving the child all alone to cry themselves to sleep - but that's not what it is at all. You need to return to the room at regular intervals and make sure they know you're doing that - that part is crucial, there's no benefit in letting the child think you've just abandoned them - that certainly won't help them sleep!

But honestly we had a couple of weeks trying the other way with a lot of lost sleep for everyone involved, including herself. But by the third night on cry it out she was happy enough to just go in the cot and let us leave the room.

A good bedtime routine helps too of course, we make the last hour of her day the same every day so that she knows what's coming next - bath, then play time, then a cup of milk, then bed. That helps too.

Uptheduff · 14-04-2021 3:40pm

shesty wrote: »

I would suggest working on her bedtime though ...you said there she was breastfed to slep?

Shes still breastfeeding at night and for daytime naps but it seems to have lost its narcotic qualities at night time. I know it's frowned upon to nurse to sleep but Im of the opinion that each parent & child has to make their own choice about what's best, and for us, this has worked fine til recently. If anything, her losing interest in the boob naturally is a good thing but it does leave a void in the bedtime routine.

It seems like a normal enough phase from what I'm hearing here. She's a fairly independent little person so I'm making a guess that a few nights in our bed won't turn her into a needy clingon. ...hopefully.

shesty · 14-04-2021 3:52pm

Oh sorry, I thought you meant you had stopped BF to sleep or stopped BF altogether.Yeah, I would see it as a good sign tbh and I would take the opportunity to maybe develop a new bedtime routine with her where you don't hold her to sleep, but she can fall asleep independently herself.(ie without being held).It might mean you need to stay and hold her hamd for a few nights, then move to to the door or similar, but I think if you can manage that it would help, as over time she might then become better able to re-settle herself if she wakes at night.

fits · 14-04-2021 7:20pm

Is it me or is it mostly male posters who are on for the cry it out tough love approach?

fits · 14-04-2021 7:31pm

Uptheduff wrote: »

Shes still breastfeeding at night and for daytime naps but it seems to have lost its narcotic qualities at night time. I know it's frowned upon to nurse to sleep but Im of the opinion that each parent & child has to make their own choice about what's best, and for us, this has worked fine til recently. .

Frowned upon by who?

People who have no idea what they are talking about - that’s who.

It’s an amazing way to get babies to sleep. For as long as it works.

bee06 · 14-04-2021 7:52pm

Uptheduff wrote: »

Shes still breastfeeding at night and for daytime naps but it seems to have lost its narcotic qualities at night time. I know it's frowned upon to nurse to sleep but Im of the opinion that each parent & child has to make their own choice about what's best, and for us, this has worked fine til recently. If anything, her losing interest in the boob naturally is a good thing but it does leave a void in the bedtime routine.

It seems like a normal enough phase from what I'm hearing here. She's a fairly independent little person so I'm making a guess that a few nights in our bed won't turn her into a needy clingon. ...hopefully.

Every sleep regression my two kids went through the feeding to sleep stopped working for a while. Then they’d come out of the phase and go back to normal. My three year old was breastfeed to sleep until he didn’t want to any more, bed shared until a few months ago and he’s as independent as they come.

Uptheduff · 14-04-2021 8:04pm

fits wrote: »

Frowned upon by who?

People who have no idea what they are talking about - that’s who.

It’s an amazing way to get babies to sleep. For as long as it works.

I agree. It seems to be one of those things that people tell you is "making a rod for your back". I've had raised eyebrows over the fact I'm still breastfeeding a 1 year old. It has worked for us and that's all that matters to me.

Regarding cry it out. It just seems more rather than less stressful for everyone involved. I get it in principle but it isn't something I'm keen to utilise.

lazygal · 14-04-2021 9:30pm

I was told once breastfeeding my 4.5 year old was child abuse. My youngest is 2.5 years and I still get comments from my mother about "still" feeding him.
The more I parent the fewer fecks I give about what anyone thinks.

lazygal · 14-04-2021 9:31pm

fits wrote: »

Is it me or is it mostly male posters who are on for the cry it out tough love approach?

Yes.
Probably the only time we disagree on parenting decisions is in regard to sleep.

Cosmo Kramer · 14-04-2021 10:02pm

fits wrote: »

Is it me or is it mostly male posters who are on for the cry it out tough love approach?

I would say you're probably right about that. I know my wife wasn't a fan of me trying it initially, but she couldn't really argue with the outcome!

fits · 14-04-2021 10:35pm

Cosmo Kramer wrote: »

I would say you're probably right about that. I know my wife wasn't a fan of me trying it initially, but she couldn't really argue with the outcome!

What’s so wrong about comforting a tiny baby who doesn’t understand why you are leaving them there. I don’t get it. And what’s more it’s not even necessary in our experience at least with two happy independent sleepers who’ve just turned four.

Stepping Stone · 15-04-2021 5:04am

fits wrote: »

Is it me or is it mostly male posters who are on for the cry it out tough love approach?

Yes! From speaking to people, it’s always the males that push it and are territorial about no babies in the bed. My OH openly admitted that our baby’s crying didn’t bother him in the least while they actually upset me. Cry it out or generally leaving babies to cry is very popular on his side of the family and I just don’t understand it. He’s all for responding to all cries, co-sleeping when necessary and feeding to sleep by the way.

I actually think that it’s biological but I definitely wouldn’t be pushed into anything like that. I’ll do what is best for the tiny, fragile person who can’t communicate clearly and who’s developing at a rapid rate and anyone who thinks otherwise can go **** themselves quite frankly!

OP, our baby goes through those phases and ends up in the bed for a few nights. It’s a few nights only and we all sleep and go back to normal at the end of it. We’re in the middle of a regression now, but I’m going to enjoy the baby cuddles while I can. They’ll be grown and gone before we know it.

1 year old won't sleep in cot

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