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Childfree by Circumstance

  • 09-04-2021 8:50pm
    #1
    Chong
    Registered Users Posts: 8,676 ✭✭✭


    I was happy to see such a thread and give me an outlet in a way. I know the forum is named Childfree by Choice but I thought it might also be useful to have a thread for folk who are here by circumstance too. I am not going to bore folk with my situation with my wife but we did multiple rounds of IVF and it didn't work out. It was 4 tough years trying to crack the proverbial nut and we finally put it to bed in 2017, it was not to be.

    Since then the first two years coming to terms with the above was a challenge but we got our lives back on track after a long time trying to have kids since we got married. We really enjoyed our childfree lives but naturally there was a period of coming to terms with being childfree also. 2019 was tough from my own perspective I felt rudderless. I have asked most of the questions I am seeing in this forum already about the future, being left on my own if my wife passes and vice versa I would hate her being left on her own.

    I know I am still trying to come to terms with it, I am in improving, I know Covid without having to deal with kids was a positive. I am also working with my head down the past two years and that has helped, we are also buying a home. These are projects as a method of keeping us busy, my wife has hobbies making craft stuff, I have not found my hobby yet bar the dog we bought in Covid. He is not really a hobby but he has certainly filled a gap in our lives, we do wrap him up in cotton wool and spoil him but its been great for us both.

    I do wonder a lot, maybe not so much the past few months what happens as I get older what will life be like. All my friends have kids, our commonalities have diminished. Do I enjoying being childfree, very much so our money is our own and we have few worries bar keeping healthy and having money to get by.

    Just interested to hear from other folk who find themselves here by circumstance, not asking for people to divulge their route to this point but how they have filled their lives now with out kids. Would love to hear from older folk in particularly.


Comments

  • #2
    nibtrix
    Registered Users Posts: 1,305 ✭✭✭nibtrix


    Interesting post, and interesting to see the lack of responses!
    I suppose the main issue is the difference between "childfree" and "childless"; generally if you describe yourself as childfree by choice it is suggesting that you are glad or happy about not having children.
    There are probably not many people who tried to have children (particularly going through IVF) who would then say they are happy with the situation.

    In my own case, I swore as a teenager and in my early 20's that I did not want children, and my partner (from age 18, now in our 40s) was on board with that. When we hit around 30 we started changing our minds, had the house, had the jobs, had travelled extensively etc. and it seemed to be a case of "oh yes, this is what we should do next". After 5 years and two losses (including emergency surgery both times) we decided against IVF and to move on with our "childfree" lives.

    The speed with which I "got over" our decision brought home to me that I had only been trying for children out of some misguided idea that it was what I should do, that I was convincing myself it was what I wanted. I am glad every day that we made the choice we did and that we don't have kids, for a variety of reasons. I find my worklife satisfying, we have plenty of money, and outside of Covid restrictions we have always had the choice to go where we want, take chances on new jobs that might be a bit shaky, and so on.
    Just interested to hear from other folk who find themselves here by circumstance, not asking for people to divulge their route to this point but how they have filled their lives now with out kids

    This question again made me realise that I'm happy with my situation, because for me it would have been "how will I fit children into my life?" rather than what will fill my life without them. I don't feel that there is a void that needs to be filled.


  • #3
    Chong
    Registered Users Posts: 8,676 ✭✭✭Chong


    nibtrix wrote: »
    Interesting post, and interesting to see the lack of responses!
    I suppose the main issue is the difference between "childfree" and "childless"; generally if you describe yourself as childfree by choice it is suggesting that you are glad or happy about not having children.
    There are probably not many people who tried to have children (particularly going through IVF) who would then say they are happy with the situation.

    How does one say they enjoy someones post when they are talking about such a delicate topic but here goes. I am struck by Childfree and Childless, it's a great way to analyse both. I think I am somewhere in the middle. I don't think I was overly drawn to being in a dad originally but like you I felt it was part of the course post marriage and we both got sucked in to trying. Thankfully though we were happy to say no after 2 attempts of IVF and started our journey at getting to grips of having no kids and what that would mean for us both.


  • #4
    HBC08
    Registered Users Posts: 3,285 ✭✭✭HBC08


    Interesting post and it's good to talk and have a conversation around it.
    I'm in a similar situation, I met my partner late in life so we had a limited window to try,neither of us were that bothered about having kids but we decided to try.4 years of IVF,miscarriages and the emotional rollercoaster followed.
    We haven't officially given up but we're done with IVF and it's unlikely to happen now at my partners age.
    We're lucky in a way that it was never the be all and end all for us but it can still be a bit difficult.
    All our friends have kids,I don't find our friendships have diminished,we enjoy being around them and their kids and go camping, on holidays together etc
    We focus on the positives like the freedom we have,money,nice cars,ability to travel and other things.
    Not having kids doesn't define us.


  • #5
    Chong
    Registered Users Posts: 8,676 ✭✭✭Chong


    HBC08 wrote: »
    We focus on the positives like the freedom we have,money,nice cars,ability to travel and other things.
    Not having kids doesn't define us.

    On this above we are certainly getting in to that space if that makes sense, it is ever evolving.When we had finished the IVF we did talk about adoption or donor eggs but we could not commit anymore mentally to further anguish of potential disappointments.


  • #6
    Captainsatnav
    Registered Users Posts: 910 ✭✭✭Captainsatnav


    Legend. Thanks for sharing that. I feel better having read it. Many common threads going on in my head.



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