No gifts for wedding?

Tar.Aldarion · 17-03-2019 1:34pm #1

I'm going to a wedding and the couple have said on both the "save the date" card and the invitation that they don't want any gifts at all, that our presence is the only present they want.

First time seeing this, have others gone to weddings that said this? Do you really not give a gift? I'd feel bad doing so, but it's going against their wishes to give them something? Is there a particular reason people generally don't want gifts - that they are just thinking of not putting their guests out?

scarepanda · 17-03-2019 1:41pm

We did that when we got married. We genuinely didn't want anything from anyone. Everyone that was invited was invited as our guest because we wanted to share the day with them. We know weddings are expensive (and we got married on a Friday a few weeks before Christmas) and we didn't want to add any extra expense on anyone.

We knew there would be some people that would feel as you feel, so we asked, if they did want to give us something that they make a donation to their chosen charity on our behalf. We didn't specify an amount or ask for 'evidence' but we did get some certificates from different organisations, which was lovely, but not necessary.

woodchuck · 17-03-2019 4:41pm

Although I've never received an invite that stated this, I think I would still give a (cash) present if I could afford to do so. I would assume that the couple don't want people to feel under financial pressure, but would still actually appreciate any gift received.

looksee · 17-03-2019 8:57pm

My son and dil said this, but added that if anyone really wanted to get something they could buy something for the garden - they got all sorts from bulbs to trees. It was a lovely wedding, very low key and relaxed.

love_love · 17-03-2019 10:11pm

The reason we put something similar on our invitations is that we didn't want anyone to decline based on not being able to afford to attend because of pressure over the cost of a gift.

The other reason is that we would rather no gift than a "token" gift which are given with such lovely intentions but usually just gather dust.

Without knowing your friends, it's difficult to say whether they would be offended or appreciative of a cash gift. We specifically said that we would appreciate cash if anyone felt they wanted to give a gift, which I know isn't the done thing everywhere, but it lets people know where they stand and avoids confusion like this

eviltwin · 17-03-2019 10:20pm

We had a no gift wedding and all but one person kept to it. The gift was a hand made item and much appreciated but I'm glad everyone else stuck to the script. It would have been embarrassing to have some people give something and others not. It's a specific request and not one you often see so take them at their word and just bring yourself

Birdsong · 18-03-2019 10:47pm

Is the wedding abroad. I have seen for weddings abroad where there is more expenses on the guest.

20-03-2019 9:34pm

Never heard of it and find it a bit bizarre to be honest, why on earth would a couple not want gifts (cash in particular)? Weddings are expensive and most people need the gifts to help pay for it.

mahamageehad · 20-03-2019 9:38pm

We'll be putting similar wording on ours - your presence is your present. Don't want to be putting additional pressure on guests, attending is expensive enough. A lot of family and friends will give a card anyway I think, but I'd rather have someone there without a gift than them not coming because they couldn't afford a day out and gift. Defo wouldn't be offended to get a gift, just don't expect one.

odyssey06 · 20-03-2019 9:39pm

Take them out to lunch or dinner after the wedding... or if visiting them bring some expensive wines for you all to enjoy.

eviltwin · 20-03-2019 10:08pm

Zahra Scary Freighter wrote: »

Never heard of it and find it a bit bizarre to be honest, why on earth would a couple not want gifts (cash in particular)? Weddings are expensive and most people need the gifts to help pay for it.

Well speaking for myself, I had a wedding I could pay for. I wasn't depending on my guests to pay my bills.

All our guests had to travel so we weren't going to accept gifts when people had already gone to such expense to be there, that would be greedy. We were thrilled they made such an effort to be there. That was all we wanted

iamwhoiam · 20-03-2019 10:11pm

Would it be a nice idea to donate a gift of money to a charity dear to them in their name

jasonb · 20-03-2019 10:13pm

Not to be black and white about this, but if they specifically said, twice, that they don't want gifts, then I wouldn't bring a gift. It's their day and it should be the day they want it to be. They've made their wishes very clear, and fair play to them, so personally I'd respect that.

mahamageehad · 21-03-2019 9:40am

jasonb wrote: »

Not to be black and white about this, but if they specifically said, twice, that they don't want gifts, then I wouldn't bring a gift. It's their day and it should be the day they want it to be. They've made their wishes very clear, and fair play to them, so personally I'd respect that.

Actually, you’re dead right. For me it depends how it’s written. If in doubt, ask. If someone explicitly says don’t bring gifts, or as a poster above said about giving to charity on their behalf if you want to give something, then I probably wouldn’t.

Might need to have a rethink about how we word the invites- maybe “your presence is your present” is too vague. “Presents optional” or “presents not required” both seem a bit more rude to me though. For me the main issue is I live abroad so traveling home for the wedding. Some of the guests will be traveling so I don’t want additional expense on them, but I also don’t want to end up in a situation where we’ve a ton of gifts that we actually can’t fit in a suitcase.

jasonb · 21-03-2019 10:48am

mahamageehad wrote: »

Might need to have a rethink about how we word the invites- maybe “your presence is your present” is too vague. “Presents optional” or “presents not required” both seem a bit more rude to me though.

You could do a mixture...

'Please don't buy wedding gifts, your presence is your present'

or something like that?

splinter65 · 22-03-2019 9:07am

Zahra Scary Freighter wrote: »

Never heard of it and find it a bit bizarre to be honest, why on earth would a couple not want gifts (cash in particular)? Weddings are expensive and most people need the gifts to help pay for it.

Some people are able to organize a social event and not expect the guests to cover the cost. It’s not bizarre at all.

The Bishop Basher · 22-03-2019 9:11am

We had a small and casual wedding and asked for no gifts.

Without exception, everyone gave us cash anyway and while we didn’t expect, we were very grateful.

Alrigghtythen · 22-03-2019 9:52am

splinter65 wrote: »

Some people are able to organize a social event and not expect the guests to cover the cost. It’s not bizarre at all.

This. We don't expect people to pay for our birthday parties if we chose to have one. Why are guests expected to pay for someone elses wedding?

We had a wedding we could afford and had no expectations of our guests to pay for it.

JustMe,K · 22-03-2019 9:59am

I've seen this but the couple in question pretty much meant they dont want 'stuff' only cash and worded it badly. Are you close enough to either person in the couple that you can specifically ask do they mean they want nothing or that they want cash?

Mrs OBumble · 22-03-2019 10:02am

mahamageehad wrote: »

Might need to have a rethink about how we word the invites- maybe “your presence is your present” is too vague.

Agree. I tried using that line for a birthday party, and most people didn'tunderstand what it meant.

As well as writing it on the invite, talk it thru with key people who are likely to be asked about it eg family, bridal party members.

sweetie · 22-03-2019 10:06am

Alrigghtythen wrote: »

This. We don't expect people to pay for our birthday parties if we chose to have one. Why are guests expected to pay for someone elses wedding?

We had a wedding we could afford and had no expectations of our guests to pay for it.

This new fad on fakebook of grown adults doing a fundraiser for a charity in lieu of birthday gifts. Sure it's good cause but were they seriously expecting to get birthday presents?

Anyhow, OP, something small and unique bought or made is a nice touch and you'll still be saving a few quid.

splinter65 · 22-03-2019 10:36am

sweetie wrote: »

This new fad on fakebook of grown adults doing a fundraiser for a charity in lieu of birthday gifts. Sure it's good cause but were they seriously expecting to get birthday presents?

Anyhow, OP, something small and unique bought or made is a nice touch and you'll still be saving a few quid.

The only thing I’d possibly want for my birthday would be some kind of restaurant voucher as I can never justify a meal out for myself.
As much as I appreciate the kind thought, I definitely don’t want anything that someone else thought would be useful or decorative to me. I’m almost obsessively minimalist in my possessions and give anything like that unopened to a charity shop. If you go into any charity shop you’ll see there’s a lot of people do just that.
If a couple are having the wedding day they can afford and they prefer that their guests don’t bring presents of any kind, but a guest is still feeling awkward about appearing “stingy” then I’d love if they made a small cash donation to the local St V de Paul. No problem if you want to mention it in an email or whatever.

GoodVoice · 22-03-2019 11:28am

Zahra Scary Freighter wrote: »

Never heard of it and find it a bit bizarre to be honest, why on earth would a couple not want gifts (cash in particular)? Weddings are expensive and most people need the gifts to help pay for it.

Why have a wedding if you can't afford it?

JustMe,K · 22-03-2019 11:39am

sweetie wrote: »

This new fad on fakebook of grown adults doing a fundraiser for a charity in lieu of birthday gifts. Sure it's good cause but were they seriously expecting to get birthday presents?

This annoys me - I will support the charities I want to support not the ones someone tells me to support.

I wonder though if you set up a wedding event on FB do you have the option to do set a fundraiser in lieu of gifts?

IJS84 · 22-03-2019 11:44am

We have our date sate for next year and we are doing the same, requesting the presence rather than you present. We are doing this so our friends and family under pressure, as we are all well aware weddings are expensive enough as it is to attend. Some of our guests are on LTI and we know they dont have much as it is. If some one was to give a gift we would be grateful but we wont be out out if they dont as we dont want them to be feeling pressured

Eggs For Dinner · 22-03-2019 3:22pm

Lance Mammoth Paunch wrote:

Never heard of it and find it a bit bizarre to be honest, why on earth would a couple not want gifts (cash in particular)? Weddings are expensive and most people need the gifts to help pay for it.

You should pay for the wedding you choose, rather than impose a tax on your guests

Mollyb60 · 26-03-2019 2:28pm

I'm spending over £400 to go to a wedding in Sicily in July as my sister's plus one and I'm still having conversations with her about whether or not to give them a card with a cash gift. And the couple have said the 'presence is the present' thing on the invite. :rolleyes: It's very difficult to not feel stingy giving a couple nothing to celebrate their day.

Recliner · 26-03-2019 2:39pm

Zahra Scary Freighter wrote: »

Never heard of it and find it a bit bizarre to be honest, why on earth would a couple not want gifts (cash in particular)? Weddings are expensive and most people need the gifts to help pay for it.

In fairness it's been discussed several times on this forum, as has having the wedding you can afford and not relying on your guests to pay for it. That's a disaster waiting to happen.
Also as regards non cash gifts, I'd imagine a lot of people now have their houses set up before they marry and don't need a plethora of bed linen and glasses and the usual.
If they've said it twice, I'd be happy to take them at their word. I'd make sure I get a beautiful card, and write a few sincere lines on it. I love having cards to look back over and read.

JustAThought · 01-06-2019 5:43pm

I've seen this on a few weddings I've been invited to and I took it to mean that they both already have houses full of stuff and want no gifts/household clutter -so in each instance I gave a voucher. So did everyone else! I think its a euphamism for no knicknacks please! All weddings were in Ireland and good enough friends - after they spoke of (all) the nice gifts , gift cheques and vouchers they recieved.!!

Going empty handed to a weddig is a bit like going to a fancy dinner party and not bringing wine or chocs for the host - sure they act surprised and say you shouldn't have, but in reality it would be very odd and poor form if you didn't.

I gave a friend (superloaded - houses each, second marriages) an Oxfam Well for a village in Africa somewhere - I thought they'd like it as they are big human rights leftie (barrister) heads but I think they would have preferred a restaurant voucher -they are still talking about it & in a bewildered way!And I didnt go to their expensive overseas wedding!Madness! Personally I still think it is a great idea & some poot third world villager gets to reap the reward of their happy day with a new calf or fresh tapwater or a years schooling for their kids or hive of honeybees or whatever. Bőthar have great virtual & life transforming gifts too.Something for everyone!

SozBbz · 04-06-2019 2:08pm

JustAThought wrote: »

I gave a friend (superloaded - houses each, second marriages) an Oxfam Well for a village in Africa somewhere - I thought they'd like it as they are big human rights leftie (barrister) heads but I think they would have preferred a restaurant voucher -they are still talking about it & in a bewildered way!And I didnt go to their expensive overseas wedding!Madness! Personally I still think it is a great idea & some poot third world villager gets to reap the reward of their happy day with a new calf or fresh tapwater or a years schooling for their kids or hive of honeybees or whatever. Bőthar have great virtual & life transforming gifts too.Something for everyone!

They sound like knobs to be honest. Some people can have all the money but its still not enough for them. Even if they were a bit miffed, they should at least have the good grace to keep it to themselves. Just goes to show that money does not equal class, as that reaction to any well intentioned gift is totally ungracious.

ShaShaBear · 04-06-2019 5:15pm

We asked for no gifts and when questioned, we told people that we had our wedding and honeymoon already paid for and since we had been living together for 6 years, we had amassed a house full of "things".

We still got cash from about 90% of the guests, and a ridiculous amount of photo frames. And not even nice frames, blazing "Mr & Mrs/On Our Wedding Day/Just Married ones that you could only really put wedding photos into. Only three guests got us gifts we really and truly loved. One got us a shadow box frame with a plate inside personalised with our names and our wedding date and a lovely little bride and groom cartoon likeness of us drawn on it. The most unique of all the gifts, and didn't require anything bar a nail in the wall to proudly display. Another guest got us a full collection of matching Newgrange glasses. We didn't really need them, but they're a stunning set and it's lovely to have them. And finally, my mum got us a large canvas of a photo of us and our daughters on the big day which we still laugh at. My eldest daughter is crying in it because my youngest took a biscuit off her and has it crammed into her mouth :pac:
If one of our guests had gifted us like you did JustAThought, I'd likely have sobbed from being so touched.

I'd prefer to give an utterly personal and unique gift when attending a wedding. If I don't know the couple well, I'll give cash because I know it will be used for something. But if the couple request no gifts, it helps to listen

No gifts for wedding?

Comments