Don’t really have wedding excitement

Teach30 · 09-02-2019 6:23pm #1

As per title is this a normal reaction?

Engaged a few weeks now and have received cards etc but not feeling terribly excited. To be honest it feels like a huge pressure has now been handed to me to deal with.

People at work have been asking me have family celebrated with you and they haven’t really. I received bottles of prosecco which remain unopened as no else one will drink them.

It’s frustrating as I’d like to be excited but there’s so much to do and with work pressure it’s just not enjoyable.

Any advice really appreciated.

LirW · 09-02-2019 8:27pm

We were halfway through planning and both weren't excited, I was dreading it even.
After talking openly to each other how non-excited we are we scrapped it all and decided to elope, we're a month away from it now and pretty damn excited about it.

Is it the big wedding that puts you off? There are hundreds of ways to get married from big extravaganza to a quick lunch break paper-signing.
Don't feel pressured, no matter what you'll do people want YOU to be happy. That's the only thing that matters.

Teach30 · 10-02-2019 8:42pm

LirW wrote: »

We were halfway through planning and both weren't excited, I was dreading it even.
After talking openly to each other how non-excited we are we scrapped it all and decided to elope, we're a month away from it now and pretty damn excited about it.

Is it the big wedding that puts you off? There are hundreds of ways to get married from big extravaganza to a quick lunch break paper-signing.
Don't feel pressured, no matter what you'll do people want YOU to be happy. That's the only thing that matters.

Thanks, I don’t mind the thoughts of it at all but just not bothered about the planning! With work and home it’s going to be hard to find the time to get it all sorted which is the part I’m not looking forward to.

I’m also allergic to people asking me what’s my theme etc when I haven’t a clue and I’m not really into that type of thing. I’m just not comfortable with people asking lots of questions and asking to see the ring etc. I would never ask myself so I think that’s where it’s coming from.

Perhaps when I’ve more free time I’ll be able to enjoy it, well I hope so anyways.

JustMe,K · 11-02-2019 10:51am

If you get a consultation with a wedding planner that might help build the excitement, or even going to a couple of wedding fairs or visiting venues you might like.

Depending on your circumstances, maybe having an engagement celebration would help?

Weddings are so much pressure, theres no right or wrong way to do it or feel in the run up to it. I was so so so excited planning my first wedding, which I then called off, then planning my actual wedding I just felt like I wanted to get it over with....its so hard to explain but I was excited about the wedding, and getting married and I just wanted the day without all the meetings and plans and shopping and peoples views in between.

It seems like you are just too busy right now to get excited, and thats ok too. Getting engaged is like being pregnant, suddenly you are public property and everyone has an opinion on what you are or are not doing. Also if you are planning a longer engagement you might not feel the need to get excited yet, and if you are planning a short engagement you might be a little overwhelmed and not even realise it yet.

The important thing is to be on the same page as your other half, hat about how you are feeling and take it from there.

pwurple · 11-02-2019 2:38pm

What's your theme? Gas.

What are you supposed to say there...? Hey, my 4 year old has a theme for her birthday party, it's mermaids. Her buddy down the street had a dinosaur birthday. Feel free to take either one on me.

Dinosaur wedding would be fairly epic.

baby and crumble · 11-02-2019 3:20pm

pwurple wrote: »

What's your theme? Gas.

To be fair, having a rough 'theme' can be really helpful when you're trying to marshal your thoughts planing ANY party. Which let's be honest, is exactly what planning a wedding is.

The 'theme' might be not much more specific than knowing you'd like pink to be a colour running through flowers and bridesmaid dresses. Or it could be as complicated as 'mid-century modern/ harlem revival urban black tie'. Yeah asking outright someone's 'theme' is a bit stupid but weddings bring the stupid out of people.

We knew pretty much from the get-go what we wanted as a'vibe', and it stayed pretty much the same way through. Knowing it helped us pick out stuff like invites, flowers, outfits, photographer, all that.

OP, you don't have to be excited from the get-go. You also don't have to organise a massive party if you don't want to. There's loads of hotels etc that will basically set you up with a really lovely vibe for a wedding if you've no strong opinions either way. All you might need to do is pick out a DJ, cake maker and photographer from their recommended list. Or you can go really in-depth and micro-manage the whole thing. We did something in between which worked for us because we both like organizing and even 10 years ago we go more fun from organising a month long backpacking holiday and researching it etc than we actually did on the holiday itself.

You are who you are.

Teach30 wrote: »

People at work have been asking me have family celebrated with you and they haven’t really. I received bottles of prosecco which remain unopened as no else one will drink them.

I was the exact same OP. I have a dad and 2 brothers and past the 'oh congratulations' texts they weren't bothered. Sure, why would they be? An engagement is literally just a couple saying 'we're going to get married'. It's a statement of intent, not much more than that. I don't understand they whole 'engagement party' thing, but that might be my family.

tiredblondie · 11-02-2019 5:10pm

Teach30 wrote: »

Thanks, I don’t mind the thoughts of it at all but just not bothered about the planning! With work and home it’s going to be hard to find the time to get it all sorted which is the part I’m not looking forward to.

I’m also allergic to people asking me what’s my theme etc when I haven’t a clue and I’m not really into that type of thing. I’m just not comfortable with people asking lots of questions and asking to see the ring etc. I would never ask myself so I think that’s where it’s coming from.

Perhaps when I’ve more free time I’ll be able to enjoy it, well I hope so anyways.

Have you booked anywhere yet?
If not, have a look at places that have package deals - mine includes:
Finger foods on arrival
5 course meal
Band / DJ
Flowers
Suits for all the men
Cake
Photographer
Evening food
And a few other little bits

To be honest, it took a huge amount of pressure off having to organise everything whilst working full time and pretty much having to do it on my own!!

I'm not an over the top kind of person, just want everything to be simple and straight forward - not going with any kind of "theme", i'm not even sure what that even means to be honest!!

Just take your time with it and it'll come together, don't rush into setting a date or anything if you are not ready to do it just yet!

splinter65 · 11-02-2019 7:32pm

pwurple wrote: »

What's your theme? Gas.

What are you supposed to say there...? Hey, my 4 year old has a theme for her birthday party, it's mermaids. Her buddy down the street had a dinosaur birthday. Feel free to take either one on me. Dinosaur wedding would be fairly epic.

I agree with this. Next person asks you what your theme is, lean over conspiratorially and completely serious say it’s going to be on the invites, but you can reveal that the theme will be................Brexit. Men have to come as Donald Tusk or Boris Johnson and women as Teresa May or Arlene Foster.

Loveinapril · 11-02-2019 8:57pm

That "theme" question is gas!
"I am getting married, so I suppose 'wedding' themed?!!".

OP, you don't have to go mad planning, go with you what you want and don't fall into being pressured. The immediate aftermath after an engagement can be full on, some people love it and get self absorbed in the madness but if you don't feed into it, it should die down pretty soon.

Cash_Q · 11-02-2019 9:47pm

It is intense, everyone is happy to have something nice to talk about with you, but they don't realise it's all ANYONE is talking to you about and some people are very intrusive, and also offer so much advice that you didn't ask for.

I found it handy to say :

"We are just enjoying being engaged for a little while first before we even think about plans, because we know it will be very full on once we get started"

It genuinely is very full on once you get started. There are so many options, from an all inclusive hotel wedding for a big number of guests, or a short and simple registry office ceremony and a meal for immediate family. Do what suits you and nobody else, because you'll never keep everyone happy no matter what you decide, just do what you and your partner want!

Teach30 · 11-02-2019 11:30pm

Thanks everyone for the kind replies.

Just to clarify, we have date set,church booked and hotel sorted with a few weeks.

I think part of my problem is I’m a total last minute person and having to plan something this far in advance just annoys me as with work I just haven’t time! So when people ask how it’s going I get a bit worked up and dread it. Also I’m not really one to ask other how their planning is going because truthfully I wouldnt really care.
Any time I’ve been to a wedding I never really take notice of things so now I’m regretting that as I don’t really know where to start.

I’ve already tried to book hair and makeup but no one I like is available so that’s not helping the feelings of despair..

But thanks to everyone for taking time to reply, it has helped.

tiredblondie · 12-02-2019 11:05am

Teach30 wrote: »

Thanks everyone for the kind replies.

Just to clarify, we have date set,church booked and hotel sorted with a few weeks.

I think part of my problem is I’m a total last minute person and having to plan something this far in advance just annoys me as with work I just haven’t time! So when people ask how it’s going I get a bit worked up and dread it. Also I’m not really one to ask other how their planning is going because truthfully I wouldnt really care.
Any time I’ve been to a wedding I never really take notice of things so now I’m regretting that as I don’t really know where to start.

I’ve already tried to book hair and makeup but no one I like is available so that’s not helping the feelings of despair..

But thanks to everyone for taking time to reply, it has helped.

if your on facebook and haven't already joined up, join the wedding group "help me i'm getting married - weddings online" - it's really helpful!

Neyite · 12-02-2019 1:44pm

I'm someone who's been bemused at the people around me getting giddy about the wedding or the engagement at the time.

Like, I understand being excited at getting married as a couple. I understand people going "Oh yay, and invite! I love a good wedding!"

But I don't understand when they go nuts over a wedding that isn't theirs? Not just complimentary about your wedding but actual fussing and fretting over what they will wear or who will be there or needing to know what kind of cake you will have? Nope, not getting it at all.

I like the thought of winding people up as well. We told people that we were having a Vegas wedding and the theme was Trailer Park and that people should watch My Name is Earl for outfit inspiration.

Teach30 · 21-02-2019 8:56pm

tiredblondie wrote: »

if your on facebook and haven't already joined up, join the wedding group "help me i'm getting married - weddings online" - it's really helpful!

So I joined this and I have to say it is more stressful reading people’s comments!

So far I’ve done nothing major but procrastinate, I’ve looked up photographers but how does one choose who they want? Equally I e-mailed people about makeup but all were booked up so I gave up. Have contemplated doing my own but it seems this isn’t the done thing.

If I could just tun up on the day with everything done a few days before I’d be delighted!

splinter65 · 22-02-2019 9:21am

Teach30 wrote: »

So I joined this and I have to say it is more stressful reading people’s comments!

So far I’ve done nothing major but procrastinate, I’ve looked up photographers but how does one choose who they want? Equally I e-mailed people about makeup but all were booked up so I gave up. Have contemplated doing my own but it seems this isn’t the done thing.

If I could just tun up on the day with everything done a few days before I’d be delighted!

If you have adopted the position that you want to toe the line and adhere to the “done thing” then you’ve a very long list of chores to get through which requires a lot of real enthusiasm and patience and much much list making and, more importantly, box ticking,
Much better IMO to sit down with your fiancée over this weekend and discuss YOUR ideal wedding (specifically what would make you both happy on the day) totally disregarding what you think family and friends expect of you (apart of course from not making the day out an ordeal for them) and resisting totally the temptation to copy or compare or compete with other weddings you have been at.
When you’ve made the desicion then just go for it and plan that. You’ll find people close to you will go along with your plans if you are positive and calm and assured yourself. Good luck.

tiredblondie · 22-02-2019 12:29pm

Teach30 wrote: »

So I joined this and I have to say it is more stressful reading people’s comments!

So far I’ve done nothing major but procrastinate, I’ve looked up photographers but how does one choose who they want? Equally I e-mailed people about makeup but all were booked up so I gave up. Have contemplated doing my own but it seems this isn’t the done thing.

If I could just tun up on the day with everything done a few days before I’d be delighted!

If all the big decisions of finding suppliers, booking makeup, band, and all the little things are stressing you out, maybe put it all on hold for the time being until you feel ready for it all - there is a lot to do with arranging a wedding, its not just going to all fall into your lap and decisions etc need to be made (which of course is going to have some level of stress attached to it)
Or maybe consider a registry office wedding with close family only and a party in the evening for everyone else you wanted to invite!

baby and crumble · 22-02-2019 1:24pm

I all honesty, the only thing you have to have is a date, a venue and a person to marry you, in order to have a wedding. And those are the things I’d prioritize to book ASAP just so you can then ignore them.

If you’re not into the wedding thing but want to get married then just do that. Whether or not something is “the done thing” is immaterial. You’ll be as married to each other the day after if you do your own makeup as you will if you’ve a team of stylists sorting you out. You know?

I’ll admit I had a fairly traditional wedding with a lot of the “expected” elements- fancy clothes, dinner in a hotel, cake, first dance, photographer etc. But that’s what we wanted and enjoyed organizing. If I hadn’t enjoyed the majority of it I wouldn’t have bothered.

You asked about choosing a photographer. We were very particular about our photographer- we googled and had a look at some online photographers and went to some wedding fairs. We ended up randomly winning an engagement shoot at one of them with a photographer that was one of the ones we liked. We went on that shoot, had a ball and really got on well with her, so we booked her. Job done. If you spend an hour just looking at irish wedding photographers on google you’ll probably see a few with a ‘look’ you like.

I’m going to put this out there as an option. We ended up using a wedding stylist service for our wedding, and honestly it was some of the best money we spent. We had a pretty good idea of what we liked and wanted but they really helped us sort our heads out. They are working in the area doing weddings day in day out. If you want I can send on details, they do a free consultation afaik so might be worth having a chat with them to see what you think.

teednab-el · 04-03-2019 1:03am

Teach30 wrote: »

As per title is this a normal reaction?

Engaged a few weeks now and have received cards etc but not feeling terribly excited. To be honest it feels like a huge pressure has now been handed to me to deal with.

People at work have been asking me have family celebrated with you and they haven’t really. I received bottles of prosecco which remain unopened as no else one will drink them.

It’s frustrating as I’d like to be excited but there’s so much to do and with work pressure it’s just not enjoyable.

Any advice really appreciated.

As someone who wasn't comfortable with the excitement of getting married, My advice to you as someone who got engaged in 2017 and married January 2019 is take one step at a time. Book the essentials straight away. Venue, band, church music, church. Then when that's done make a list of things that both of you must do during the year. Marriage course, register to marry with the state, church papers if getting married in different church etc. Sort wedding car. Rings, suits, dresses at least 6 months in advance I had problems coming up to my wedding with suits and had ordered them 5 months before wedding. Send out your invites about 8 weeks before wedding day and make sure you have them all back 3-4 weeks before your wedding day. Gives you plenty of time then to sort everything with table plans without any hassle

It will all be fine and it will all fall into place. Just make sure you do things accordingly and dont leave it until the last min. Even write your groom speech a few months in advance so that you won't have to think of something the days coming up to it.

There be no pressure then with the wedding plans.

Best of luck

Don't worry about it.

aquinn · 07-03-2019 3:03pm

Teach30 wrote: »

So I joined this and I have to say it is more stressful reading people’s comments!

So far I’ve done nothing major but procrastinate, I’ve looked up photographers but how does one choose who they want? Equally I e-mailed people about makeup but all were booked up so I gave up. Have contemplated doing my own but it seems this isn’t the done thing.

If I could just tun up on the day with everything done a few days before I’d be delighted!

I found that group desperate and didn't help at all but I had a very different day to most of what they were planning.

We booked a venue in the Feb I think, had the celebrant booked first as she was our priority. I collected my dress in the week of the Wedding. Got a cake on the Monday and collected Thursday. Had zero stress. Found a make-up artist brilliant and she recommended where to get the dress altered.

Come off the FB group as it isn't for everyone.

We had zero stress and fuss in the run up to it. People love offering opinions and some are helpful but continue as you currently do. I trained and continued on as normal. It is a Wedding day and it will be a fabulous day but it is a day, life doesn't have to just focus on the one day and de-rail everything else going on in your life.

My hair fell out on the day so I would recommend a trial. Our photographer was a recommendation from my Dad and she was superb. The make-up and photographer arrived at the house the morning of the Wedding and Mam took them on a tour of the garden and left me inside waiting but it was all part of the fun that we had on the day and no stress. They were brilliant professionals and so were lovely and calm. If you want their names let me know.

Planning is not for everyone and there is nothing wrong with last minute, except get marriage cert and send out invitiations

Our schedule
Engaged Dec
Emailed ceelbrant and she gave us two dates.
Picked a date
Feb found a venue
March a dress but shop went bust
Found dress again in April
Ran all Summer as normal.
Make-up trial July as she was very busy and only had a few dates.
Hen August
HM Sept, I got a PB

Oct
Ordered cake Monday
Collected dress Tuesday, as it wasn't ready the previous week
Married Friday and it was a brilliant day.

love_love · 07-03-2019 7:49pm

OP, do whatever you want to do and don't feel tied down by the "done thing". And don't feel pressure to have any particular emotions tied to it - our day is just over two weeks away and I'm still more excited about finishing up work and doing my driver theory test next week than I am about the wedding, and I am absolutely fine with that! It doesn't mean I'm not looking forward to it, but it's just not something that is the be-all and end-all in my life. Maybe you're the same?

Windorah · 07-03-2019 9:16pm

I'm sure someone has suggested this already but why, if you aren't really feeling it, are you having a wedding? I never really got the wedding thing or even the push to get engaged etc. Time came and we booked hotel, church the whole shebang. And then one night myself and himself sat down and asked who the hell were we doing the "Big day" for! Long story short. We cancelled it all and had a really small, chilled day done just the way we wanted!

Teach30 · 07-03-2019 10:34pm

Thanks everyone it’s been most helpful reading through all the suggestions.

That Facebook group really isn’t my thing and I would have no interest in a lot of what people suggest on it!

I think part of the problem is my fiancée likes to be organised and get things done immediately whereas my main priority is work and planning this day at the moment can’t be top of my agenda. We are having a big day and so far have a good few of the big things booked. Part of the problem is probably that I like things to be done really well and I’m afraid with this it won’t be up to my own standards and if something isn’t right well then it’ll be my own fault and I hate the thoughts of that.

For me once the marriage ceremony is over well then really the day in my opinion is for invited guests! I really want it to be a great party for them, and as a very critical person myself I’d hate for them to think it was a sh*t party! I’ve never before organised a party but I’m slowly getting around to things with lots of encouragement.

I’m probably more anxious than stressed and that’s putting me in shutdown mode.

The helpful comments here have been great though. Thanks everyone

love_love · 11-03-2019 10:19am

If you like organising things then you'll have a ball and researching and planning will be a break from work, rather than something you will be replacing your work with. My only advice is to plan in broad strokes - if you plan minute details, you will be disappointed if and inevitably when they do not pan out as expected.

Busymum33 · 04-04-2019 5:01pm

Im recently engaged myself and I would love to find a place that would be all inclusive as the big wedding thing is really my fiance's thing, Not mine! Can you let me know where the hotel is?
Also, I have a 15 year old son and I'm not sure where to put him in the wedding. My fiance has 2 brothers and a nephew that he loves like his brothers which would make it 4 and 4 which is too much. Can anyone help me with this please...Its stressful! Thanks.

LirW · 04-04-2019 5:15pm

I think the Marine Hotel Sutton in Dublin has an all inclusive service where they sort pretty much everything from photographer to cars.

baby and crumble · 05-04-2019 12:29am

Busymum33 wrote: »

Im recently engaged myself and I would love to find a place that would be all inclusive as the big wedding thing is really my fiance's thing, Not mine! Can you let me know where the hotel is?
Also, I have a 15 year old son and I'm not sure where to put him in the wedding. My fiance has 2 brothers and a nephew that he loves like his brothers which would make it 4 and 4 which is too much. Can anyone help me with this please...Its stressful! Thanks.

There's nothing to say brides can only have female attendants and vice versa. I had a best man. Your son could be your 'best man'. Or, he could walk you down the aisle.

aquinn · 05-04-2019 9:24am

LirW wrote: »

I think the Marine Hotel Sutton in Dublin has an all inclusive service where they sort pretty much everything from photographer to cars.

One if not both of the hotels in Leixlip do as well as far as I know. Maybe the Leixlip Manor.

JustAThought · 06-04-2019 11:34am

aquinn wrote: »

One if not both of the hotels in Leixlip do as well as far as I know. Maybe the Leixlip Manor.

I hear the Marine in Sutton is up for sale -I'd be putting that on my radar if I was signing contracts or concerned about staff leaving for more secure positions etc. Apparently they are looking for planning ppermission to turn it into appartments.

Re the OP -try not to worry so much -sounds like you are being paralised by fear - its a big party and celebration of love - once people get invites and rsvp you will know the people who like you and want to be there will be there - once there is a venue, music and food snd a bar they will find it easy to celebrate your love & marriage & enjoy themselves. Dont overthink it or stress about it too much - noone of merit will actually care if there are knicknacks on the table or how the chairs are facing or if the songs are played in an order displeasing to them. Take a deep breath & enjoy being in love and having the essential framework organised -it will be a great party because of the basics snd the friendships -not q cards and novelties.

Teach30 · 13-06-2019 9:48pm

Just to update... to date I still dislike planning and looking things up but I’m slowly getting around to things!

I definitely don’t find it fun and having a bridesmaid who is older and has totally different ideas to me doesn’t help. I actually find it v lonely when those around me aren't v excited about it - it’s hard to get my family excited about things they never really ask about plans and it puts me off looking things up as I don’t have anyone to discuss it with.

Currently sorting out our finances and as my fiancée and I don’t live together we are finding it difficult to sort out payment. He doesn’t receive a regular wage so has been paying off the big stuff like hotel.

Any advice on financing a wedding would be appreciated.

aquinn · 13-06-2019 10:58pm

Teach30 wrote: »

Just to update... to date I still dislike planning and looking things up but I’m slowly getting around to things!

I definitely don’t find it fun and having a bridesmaid who is older and has totally different ideas to me doesn’t help. I actually find it v lonely when those around me aren't v excited about it - it’s hard to get my family excited about things they never really ask about plans and it puts me off looking things up as I don’t have anyone to discuss it with.

Currently sorting out our finances and as my fiancée and I don’t live together we are finding it difficult to sort out payment. He doesn’t receive a regular wage so has been paying off the big stuff like hotel.

Any advice on financing a wedding would be appreciated.

Going by that post keep it simple and non fussy.

Close friends and Family. Is the hotel required? Would you not do a registry office and dinner?

Teach30 · 13-06-2019 11:31pm

aquinn wrote: »

Going by that post keep it simple and non fussy.

Close friends and Family. Is the hotel required? Would you not do a registry office and dinner?

I’m mass goer so I want a church wedding. It’s not a huge wedding by country standards but a hotel is required.
I’d actually feel more uncomfortable having a small wedding at this stage as it’d feel like I was entirely the centre of attention whereas with a large group at least you can hide in the crowd.

Finances are definitely our area to focus on at the minute. That and planning where to live which in itself is a pain to sort.

Don’t really have wedding excitement

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