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Ambivalent about babies

  • 19-03-2018 4:12pm
    #1
    Registered Users Posts: 15 Baby Ambivalence


    I'm in my mid - late 30's, about to get married to an amazing man and I'm ambivalent about babies. I've never been particularly pushed about having kids but nor have I ever been dead set against them. I always assumed I'd probably start wanting them at some point.

    I did have a few worries in my early 30's about whether Id meet someone in time to have children. I no longer have those fertility worries, for reasons I won't go into here. I'm pretty confidant I wouldn't have a problem conceiving if I chose to. Obviously time wouldn't be on my side regardless.

    My partner and I have spoken about starting a family someday and we are both in favour but in a very abstract "yeah why not" kind of way and that doesn't seem a good reason to bring another person into the world. Neither of us would be overly bothered if it didn't happen either. But I don't want to totally rule out the idea.

    I have close friends and family who have gone through the absolute heartache of trying for a baby with repeated failures. Meanwhile I'm quickly approaching 40 and still thinking "hmm... maybe later". I can't identify with that deep desire to procreate. When I think about becoming pregnant I feel slightly anxious. I think I'd feel a bit of a fraud if I announced I was having a baby while people I love are tying themselves in knots trying to have kids.

    I can't be the only woman to feel this way but it's a bit of a taboo. I've had so many people jokingly say "oh she hates kids". I don't hate children at all and its pretty insulting to be labelled that way but the world seems to assume all women are dying for babies and if you aren't then you must despise them. I'd like to hear from other women who, when faced with the baby question can only shrug and say "I dunno...". How do you decide on something so huge when you have no strong opinion on it? Is it something you just take a leap of faith and hope for the best - a terrifying thought! or is the likes of me better off staying childless for the good of humanity? :D


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Comments

  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,274 ✭✭✭Bambi985


    Great post OP. I agree with you, it does seem to be rather taboo to be somewhat on the fence about babies - ESPECIALLY when you're a woman in your childbearing years and even moreso when you're in your 30s and in a relationship and it's assumed that you're already trying. You'll face so much judgement and so many intrusive questions and a level of rudeness that is just shocking from the world around you.

    I'm 32 and can totally relate to how you feel. I definitely want children, but in a very theoretical, "someday" sort of way. I've never imagined any other life for myself, but I've also never had that broody ache and longing for a child, the twitching ovaries that so many women seem to experience. It's pretty unsettling to feel this way at 32, to be newly single and to have to consider a life without that family that I naively thought was a given up until now. But equally, the thought of being pregnant fills me with abject horror! And even moreso - the thoughts of having a little one utterly and completely reliant on me and not being able to have the hobbies and the experiences that have become so embedded in my child-free life.

    I don't have any advice for you really, just to say that I can completely identify with the mixed feelings and would guess it's a lot more common than anyone realises.


  • Registered Users Posts: 8,512 ✭✭✭baby and crumble


    Honestly, OP, I don't think you're the only one like this, at all.

    I've had my little spates of thinking "yeah, I'd like to have a kid" but the reality is that it wouldn't be a bad idea, but it wouldn't be a terribly good one. I mean obviously being gay there would have to be some serious thought and effort go in to having a kid, and I've never felt motivated enough to start that ball rolling. Neither has my now wife.

    I'm turning 36 and I'm confident now that I won't have kids. And do you know what the main thing that makes me doubt my decision is? That I'll have no-one to look after me if I get sick when I'm older. And THAT is a terrible reason to have a child, in fairness!!

    If I were in a relationship where I'd have an "oopsie" kind of moment and ended up pregnant, I'd probably be delighted, in fairness. But I'm not, and I'm ok with that. I like kids, and I really enjoy spending time with the kids of my friends and family, but I'm equally delighted to hand them back afterwards!

    I have definitely made piece with likely being the slightly weird gay aunt they can come to for advice, and for an adult ear that isn't their own folks. I'm kind of liking that idea now. It's a role I feel comfortable in, and one that leaves me free to move for a job, or not have to worry about needing to get a bigger house as family grows, all that. I don't have to plan things weeks in advance. I'm ok with that.


  • Registered Users Posts: 697 ✭✭✭okiss


    I think that their are some woman who always wanted to get a partner and have children. Just because your a woman of a certain age it does not automatically mean that you want to have children. People expect that most couples of a certain age are trying for a family but this is not always the case.

    I watched one friend of mine waiting a few years after she got married to have a family. She ended up having to go down the IVF route to have her 2 children. She had to undergo tests, take drugs and spend a good sum of money without knowing this was going to work. After her 1st child was born she suffered with post natal depression and told me she found the first few months of her 1st baby's life hard going due to this.

    Another couple I know got married around your age. They are married a few years and don't have children. They both have good jobs. They enjoy life, go on good holidays and they have necies and nephews to spend time with and enjoy. At this stage of their lives having a baby would be to big of a change for both of them. Also due to the nature of his job he is will be will be able to retire in his early 60's and she plans to do the same.

    I watched a friend of mine being turned down by this man when she told him she wanted more than a friends with benefits situation with him. This had been going on for a few months. During this time told her he would like to have his own family. My friend would have had tired to have a family with him if they became a proper couple and if he made a few lifestyle changes. She had ready started to lose weight then.
    My friend heard later he met this woman and within few months later she was pregnant with his child. This lady moved into his house. My friend heard recently that him and her are not getting on and the child is still quite young. She also saw him recently and she said to me he is a heart attack or a stroke waiting to happen.
    She said he rushed into having a baby with a woman he barely knew and was now finding it hard going.

    It is your and your husband's decision if you have a baby or not after you get married. Just because your friends/family around your age are having children does not mean you have to have kids. I would not be having a child/children because your parents want grandkids. I would not have a child thinking I will have someone to look after me in my old age either. I have seen elderly parents totally left on their own by adult children after spending years of there lives making sacrefices and spending large amounts of money to bring them up and putting them through college, giving them house deposits ect.

    If you have a child you are looking at spending up to 25 years supporting them depending on what course they do in college. You also need to consider how you would cope from a financial or mental point of view if your child had special needs. I have seen the work put in by parents in this situation and trying to get speech therapy, occupation therapy and other services or aids through the HSE can be hard or your put on a never ending waiting list.

    To me it better to bring a child into the world that is wanted by both parents rather than having for any of the reasons mentioned above. Not everyone wants kids and at the end of the day it your decision as a couple if you have a family or if you don't. If you get any comments re having kids after you get married just be ready to give a smart comment back if you decide not to have a family.


  • Registered Users Posts: 4,812 ✭✭✭Addle


    It's not just about babies, it about toddlers, children, teenagers, adults. You would have responsibilities for the rest of your life.
    I adore babies and love my niblings and friends kids, but I have decided that I don't want any more responsibility in my life.
    Luckily, my husband is of the same mind.
    I don't feel like my life is lacking in any way.
    Some do find me odd, but thankfully I have friends who, either by choice or circumstance, are also childfree.


  • Registered Users Posts: 13,175 ✭✭✭✭fits


    I think a lot of people feel this way. I certainly did. The ambivalence is a distant memory since the twins came along and I’d love to have more Ie if you do decide to have children you will not feel ambivalent about them.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 15 Baby Ambivalence


    Thanks for all the feedback ladies, keep it coming!

    I think its the crushing sense of responsibility that freaks me out most about spawning humans. I mean no offence to any mothers or would be mothers by this but Id be worried that the drudgery of a baby would somehow derail my relationship. I'm not ignoring that babies become children and teenagers but I'm assuming the level of disruption to normal life subsides as they get older - I could be wrong. Teenagers must cause untold anxiety! You do hear of previously happy couples who fall apart under the stress of having kids.

    Most couples I know were together years and years before deciding to start families. Id feel a kid would rob me of enjoying my lovely couple-hood. I get the sense that my partner, possibly as he's a man, has never really considered how much work kids are and how much of yourself I imagine you lose by having them. Everyone says they are great once you have them but I think I need more convincing than that.

    Ideally, Id love to have 10 more years to put off considering kids but realistically its a decision I need to make sooner rather than later. It's daunting that either way, have or have not, it will affect the rest of my life and the rest of my marriage.

    An aunt of mine, on her deathbed said she wished she'd had kids with her husband. Id hate to regret something for the rest of my life, but arguably I could regret it no matter what I chose (controversial but it does happen).

    @fits how did you have your twins? was it an accident or did you have a sudden onset of broodiness that broke your ambivalence?


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,274 ✭✭✭Bambi985


    fits wrote: »
    I think a lot of people feel this way. I certainly did. The ambivalence is a distant memory since the twins came along and I’d love to have more Ie if you do decide to have children you will not feel ambivalent about them.

    I'd have no doubt that this is true for most people. Once you've had your own baby they become the centre of the universe. It's getting to the point of pregnancy that unsettles me! Unplanned pregnancy aside, you need to make a pretty solid life decision to get there that's not exactly supported by a general ambivalence towards babies in the first place!


  • Registered Users Posts: 15 Baby Ambivalence


    Bambi985 wrote: »
    I'd have no doubt that this is true for most people. Once you've had your own baby they become the centre of the universe. It's getting to the point of pregnancy that unsettles me! Unplanned pregnancy aside, you need to make a pretty solid life decision to get there that's not exactly supported by a general ambivalence towards babies in the first place!

    Exactly! Its like choosing to jump off a cliff. Even if everyone says it will be great, you still have to make that jump and once you do you cant go back.


  • Registered Users Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    You can overthink it. Like most life changes when it happens you just go with the flow. Personally I've never felt my kids made my life a drudgery or had a negative impact on my relationship, they've enhanced my life in so many ways. That's not to say it's not hard at times but they aren't kids forever.

    I don't feel overwhelmed with responsibility maybe because I wasnt in a great place when my first was born and I know that kids don't need all the stuff we think they do. I feel more worried about paying the mortgage!

    Don't feel under pressure to have children, if its not for you that's okay and I don't think people care as much anymore, child free by choice is not that rare. You don't need kids to have a great life.


  • Registered Users Posts: 15 Baby Ambivalence


    eviltwin wrote: »
    Don't feel under pressure to have children, if its not for you that's okay and I don't think people care as much anymore, child free by choice is not that rare. You don't need kids to have a great life.

    Thanks for that, I agree with you. I don't feel that I need to have kids or should have kids to be fulfilled. Its the old biological clock dictating whats possible that I'm concerned about. The choice will be out of my hands soon enough. I don't want to suddenly start wanting them when the opportunity has passed. I feel its time to firm up my opinions on the subject.


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  • Moderators, Sports Moderators Posts: 20,364 Mod ✭✭✭✭RacoonQueen


    I love when threads like this appear...makes me feel more normal because everyone patronises me when I say I don't want kids. I don't dislike kids, I love my nephews and niece but I don't want that life. I don't want the life my brother and sister have. I don't want to rear kids. It's just not for me. I've always been deadset against it and interestingly (to me) a friend of mine, has another friend who is exactly like me in relation to kids...we've the same birthday. Coincidence...I'm sure. :D
    In 30's now, I don't have much time anyway but its not something I've ever wavered on before...even with birth of other kids. I've zero interest when friends/colleagues etc have them and I hate that I'm meant to coo over babies when they come into the office (I don't the last one that came in I talked to its mother while everyone else got all broody).
    I can't say I won't ever change my mind, but it is highly unlikely. I wouldn't mind a partner who had his own kids...I'd treat their kid/s like my own for anytime they'd spend with us but I just don't want my own.

    When my parents were sick I did wonder who'd look after me if I get sick in 40 years time...but as has been said, that is not a good reason to have kids. There are 4 of us and only I was there looking after my folks.

    Mum wants more grandchildren. So gets annoyed with me for not wanting them. I'd be in the park on a weekend looking at families and their activities and I just shudder at the thoughts of that lifestyle.

    Anyway, nothing wrong with not wanting kids, lots of women have had kids who didn't want them because they thought they were meant to have them. Not the case. There are other things you can do down the line if you want to have kids in your life. I've said for a while now that while I don't want kids of my own, maybe when my career has reached it's peak, I'm settled in a relationship, steady home etc I would like to foster and help other peoples kids out. Everyone to their own. Lots of other things you can do with your life if you don't choose to have kids of your own.


  • Registered Users Posts: 4,812 ✭✭✭Addle


    I do think it's different when they're your own kids though.
    Just because you don't like others, doesn't mean you won't like your own.

    But not everyone likes their kids. I can't be the only person who knows people who shouldn't be parents? They so obviously resent their children. It's dreadful.


  • Moderators, Sports Moderators Posts: 20,364 Mod ✭✭✭✭RacoonQueen


    Why do people assume that because people don't want children of their own that that is because they ''don't like kids'' - I do like kids. I just don't want kids of my own. :confused::confused:

    In more than one post on this thread people have specifically underlined that it is not that they "don't like kids"

    P.s I'm introverted, so, don't like people in general :D


  • Registered Users Posts: 15 Baby Ambivalence


    Addle wrote: »
    I do think it's different when they're your own kids though.
    Just because you don't like others, doesn't mean you won't like your own.

    But not everyone likes their kids. I can't ge the only person who knows people who shouldn't be parents? They so obviously resent their children. It's dreadful.

    I don't dislike kids at all, I like the kids I know and have an existing relationship with. I have no interest in random kids which I think is fairly normal really. I don't look at random adults and make a beeline for them either. Many people do seem to be enthralled with babies and children in general regardless of whether they know them or not.

    I do agree with you about seeing bad parents and feeling sorry for those poor kids. What an awful situation for everyone.


  • Administrators, Politics Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 25,947 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Neyite


    Any living creature in it's baby form is cute - baby humans, baby animals, baby spiders... I'm a sucker for cute stuff like that and love it when the BAAAAWW thread in CVPL gets an update.

    I've always known I wanted to be a mother, so that kind of certainty is great to have. There are elements of drudgery, sure, but also most days when I'm laughing so much with my kid it gives my pelvic floor muscles a workout!

    Everything changes. Everything. Even the way you love your partner changes - Ryan Reynolds says this and it resonates with me and my partner a lot:
    I used to say to [Blake], "I would take a bullet for you. I could never love anything as much as I love you." I would say that to my wife. And the second I looked in that baby's eyes, I knew in that exact moment that if we were ever under attack, I would use my wife as a human shield to protect that baby.

    But it's great that we can think about whether or not we want a child. Far better to decide you don't want them than to have one and resent that life change. It's great that our society is slowly starting to accept that couples may choose to be a family of two. (I don't like the terms childless or childfree because to my mind a couple are no less a family if they don't have kids)

    It's ok to love kids and yet not want any yourself. You can fully enjoy and bond with the children of your family without any of the responsibilities of them.


  • Registered Users Posts: 15 Baby Ambivalence


    Neyite wrote: »
    And the second I looked in that baby's eyes, I knew in that exact moment that if we were ever under attack, I would use my wife as a human shield to protect that baby.

    :/ that's really off-putting for me. Pity I couldn't just have a kid and give it to my sister as a present. She might still let me play with it sometimes but she'd get far more enjoyment out of it than I would I expect :D


  • Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 30,653 Mod ✭✭✭✭Faith


    I too love these threads for making me feel less alone! I have never in my memory wanted kids. Over the past few years, I have moved from an active "NO, DEFINITELY NOT, F8CK OFF" to more of a "I don't want them, but I'm open to my mind changing". If I got struck by a serious bout of broodiness, then sure, I'd consider having kids. But I'm 31 now and don't see it happening.

    Funnily enough, over the last few years I have worked a lot with children and I love it (generally). It's possibly my preferred population, but that hasn't influenced my feelings about having children. I worry too much about what I'd do to them. What kind of messages might I give them? Might I treat them badly, or poorly, or just be unintentionally damaging? But mostly, I love my life and my lifestyle. My husband and I stay in bed until noon at the weekends if we want to, and can do anything we want. Our [very limited] spare cash is spent on what we want. I can't imagine living my life to essentially serve someone else - and I accept that's just my perception and doesn't reflect the reality that most parents experience.

    One thing I'm aware of is that I have been on hormonal contraception since I was 17. I wonder if broodiness could show up if I took a break from that, but then I'm sure it would shine through contraception if the feelings were strong enough. Sometimes I try to imagine I feel broody, to really conjure it up to see if anything changes, but nothing has yet!


  • Administrators, Politics Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 25,947 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Neyite


    :/ that's really off-putting for me.

    The point is that if I as a parent had to hypothetically choose between our child and my partner to save only one of them, it would hands down be the child I'd save without hesitation. And my partner would be fine with it. :pMore than fine - he'd be pissed if I chose him over our child. And vice versa. We have odd conversations sometimes.

    That's what I mean about the relationship changing. Before the child came along, my partner would have been my #1 person and vice versa. In a relationship, being pushed down the list to #2 would be usually crushing and a deal breaker but if you both have a child, it's pretty normal.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 4,360 ✭✭✭Lorelli!


    It's a big decision OP. I can only imagine how difficult it is having to face that at this time for you when youre not sure of how you feel because like Neyite, I always knew I wanted children. I use to say i wanted six but settling on two :)

    The only people that matter in that decision is you and your fiance so i wouldnt worry about anyone else. Sure, even women with children are often asked things like "when are you having the next one?" or can be given condescending advice etc. so you can never let your choices be effected by other people's expectations of you or worry about made up assumptions like people saying you don't like children. Very often though people don't have a bad motive and are just seeing things from their own perspective.

    I normally prefer not to talk about my children online but anyway while it was scary at times, being pregnant and giving birth were some of the best experiences of my life and I love being a mam. I was lucky I had no complications and it was all very straight forward except morning, noon and night sickness :/:)

    Two of my aunt's on separate sides never had children and tbh I've never really thought about it till now and it was never a case that they were questioned or judged on their choices afaik. They both seem happy enough as are my other relatives that did have children.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 10,070 ✭✭✭✭ Bentley Rapping Hyena


    I love kids, don't really like babies that much (there is some little lizard part of my brain that lights up and does something halfway between "D'AWW" and "SPLOOSH" when I see a man carrying one though :confused:), but definitely don't want any.

    I've felt that way since before puberty. I think actually it's only in the last few years that I've owned and become comfortable with the choice (and resigned to the fact that I'll be patronised for my remaining fertile years and pitied thereafter) that I've also become comfortable with the fact that I really do love the company of children and I'm good with them. Think I definitely internalised the "childless women hate children" stuff.

    I do have the odd moment of idle fantasy, like when I see a picture of my partner as a child and wonder how cute a mixture of us would be. There's also a huge amount of guilt tripping from my parents which can be difficult. And there is the thing of "what if I change my mind when it's too late?". But having a child, deliberately creating an entire human consciousness and taking supreme responsibility for it, just on the off-chance? I don't think that's right.

    Have you ever spent any extended time taking care of kids OP? Find the boldest kids you can (probably the ones whose parents are quickest to take you up on a babysitting offer) and mind them for a weekend, see how you feel then :pac:


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  • Registered Users Posts: 443 ✭✭DaeryssaOne


    It's crazy that I saw this thread when genuinely only yesterday I used the word 'ambivalent' when talking about having kids with my husband.
    I'm the same as you OP in that I never particularly wanted kids while growing up, I didn't change my mind in my 20s and now in my mid-30s I'm beginning to feel the pressure and I'm waiting for that broody feeling to kick in...but it still hasn't!

    I'm not actually against the idea of having them but due to a medical condition it's likely that I would at least have issues getting pregnant if I actually can get pregnant at all. A part of me feels like this will just make the decision for me - we're sort of 'trying to conceive' but for me if it doesn't happen it doesn't happen and that's that. Unfortunately though, my husband is less ambivalent and would like to consider IVF / adoption etc. if it wasn't happening - that's when I get a little panicky to be honest. I don't particularly want to fight for a baby when I'm not even sure I want one in the first place.

    I adore my nieces and nephews and it's lovely seeing my friend's kids growing up but I just don't know how much I want that for myself. I know they say you won't understand until you have your own but I can't help wondering if I would end up resenting them for taking away my freedom.


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,256 ✭✭✭metaoblivia


    I completely understand, OP. I'm 36 and have kept waiting for that baby bug to bite me. It never has. If anything, the older I get, the more I see what a huge responsibility it is to have kids, and I'm not sure that's something I want in my life. What's been the driving factor for me (beyond finances and the physical toll pregnancy takes, which are big concerns as well) is that you have very little time to yourself once you have children. That would be so tough on me mentally. And I know myself well enough to know that I would resent having that taken away.

    And I like children! Babies I'm honestly not very keen on, but once they hit about 3 or 4, I think kids are great fun. Even pre-teens and teenagers are fun. And I used to teach secondary school, so I've seen them at their best and worst.

    I've often thought, if I ever find the time, it would be an idea to join a mentoring program or something of the like. That may be as close to parenting as I get!


  • Registered Users Posts: 4,812 ✭✭✭Addle



    Have you ever spent any extended time taking care of kids OP? Find the boldest kids you can (probably the ones whose parents are quickest to take you up on a babysitting offer) and mind them for a weekend, see how you feel then :pac:
    Seriously?
    Minding someone else's kids, versus raising your own, and affording to put them through college and life's milestones?
    There's no way to create a comparison.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 10,070 ✭✭✭✭ Bentley Rapping Hyena


    Addle wrote: »
    Seriously?
    Minding someone else's kids, versus raising your own, and affording to put them through college and life's milestones?
    There's no way to create a comparison.

    Uhm, no, hence :pac:


  • Registered Users Posts: 13,175 ✭✭✭✭fits



    @fits how did you have your twins? was it an accident or did you have a sudden onset of broodiness that broke your ambivalence?

    I got some symptoms checked out and told I couldn’t have children. We made some lifestyle changes to get ready for ivf and it happened naturally in the meantime. The twins probably a result of haywire hormones. In retrospect the ambivalence was actually largely fear.


  • Registered Users Posts: 15 Baby Ambivalence


    Thanks to everyone whose contributed so far, its brilliant to get all the varied feedback. I was half worried I would get labelled a cold hearted baby hater :D
    fits wrote: »
    In retrospect the ambivalence was actually largely fear.
    Yeah, a big part of it is abject terror. I'm happy to consider having kids in a vague "someday" way but whenever my partner says "come on lets get you up the duff" I panic slightly and find reasons to put it off. Congrats on having the twins after that diagnosis. I imagine if I was told I couldn't have kids Id be quite upset about it.

    I'm fairly sure its all compounded by the fact my sister whose always wanted kids is struggling with IVF at the moment.

    To reassure anyone whose brought it up, I'm not remotely bothered by anyone elses opinions on whether or not I "should" have kids. I never get anyone asking me when I will pop a sprog - a few people were even surprised when I told them I was doing something as bourgoise as getting married :D


  • Moderators, Sports Moderators Posts: 20,364 Mod ✭✭✭✭RacoonQueen


    ...I've also become comfortable with the fact that I really do love the company of children and I'm good with them. Think I definitely internalised the "childless women hate children" stuff.

    ha...I've always been good with kids. They've always loved me too...I'm like a magnet to children (I think it's because I'm so small and they think I'm one of them :pac: )
    There is the taboo that childless women/women who don't want kids are just miserable sods, with resting bitch face who are like bulldogs and only interested in their career or are selfish etc...rather than people who just don't want kids.

    The concept that women who don't want kids are 'selfish' is something that really bothers me, I really don't understand what is selfish about not wanting kids. :confused:


  • Registered Users Posts: 11,624 ✭✭✭✭meeeeh


    Thanks to everyone whose contributed so far, its brilliant to get all the varied feedback. I was half worried I would get labelled a cold hearted baby hater :D

    Yeah, a big part of it is abject terror. I'm happy to consider having kids in a vague "someday" way but whenever my partner says "come on lets get you up the duff" I panic slightly and find reasons to put it off.
    I was fairly ambivalent about kids although I have them now. I would be probably quite happy without too and I don't particularly care about or even like other people's children. That being said I think mine are brilliant.

    Anyway that's irrelevant what is important is how your partner feels and does he know about your reservations. If not you owe him that conversation before you get married. If you have doubts he should be the one to discuss them with and he is the person whose feelings about kids count.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,971 ✭✭✭_Dara_


    I never got the broody feelings. Never thought about children. As I entered my 30s, I worried about that. Is this normal? What if I change my mind and it's too late? There's the biological clock and then there's the "What if I'm wrong about not hearing the biological clock tick" clock.

    Interestingly, it was being diagnosed with cancer that confirmed that, nope, I really don't want kids. Many women in my position, it's their first thought because the treatments put you in a temporary menopause that sometimes becomes permanent. Many women freeze eggs before starting treatment. In all the anguish I felt post-diagnosis, the idea of not having children never figured. I just didn't care. And I was glad, one less to worry about.
    I'm turning 36 and I'm confident now that I won't have kids. And do you know what the main thing that makes me doubt my decision is? That I'll have no-one to look after me if I get sick when I'm older. And THAT is a terrible reason to have a child, in fairness!

    And the thing is, if you don't have children, you will have the ability to save a lot more money. Children are expensive for 18 years and beyond. That's a lot of extra saving and you could earmark some of it for future care. I have friends who are in their 50s, a married couple. They are childless. I have no idea if it was intentional or if they weren't able to have children. None of my business. But they have such a great lifestyle. They both have good jobs but if they had had kids they wouldn't have the lifestyle they have now. They are an advertisement for not having kids, honestly! :)


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  • Registered Users Posts: 4,359 ✭✭✭jon1981


    Had our first kid aged 36. Love her to bits and always wanted a family. We had a great life prior to kids, travelled, partied, hobbies galore...etc. In some ways having such an independent and full life has made parenting so hard. Why? Because we were spoiled, we were too use to our lifestyle, go out when we want, travel when we want, read when i want, sleep when i want and for however long i want....

    If i were doing it all again I'd have done it years ago, when i also had more energy :) . Also they'd be grown up and we'd be still youngish enough to resume the lifestyle once they fly the nest.

    Don't get me wrong, life is great but it's very very different and takes alot of personal sacrifices.


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