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Single in your 40s

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  • 24-04-2021 3:30pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Hi all, I didn’t want to start a discussion on this under my own name so thought I’d put it here.
    I am a 42 year old man who is single and no kids. I have had multiple relationships since I was about 19 or so , with the longest being about 3 years. They didn’t work out for various reasons but ultimately most of them were my fault, as I just find it hard to be around someone all the time, and I find it hard after the honeymoon period is over and lose interest. I’m ok with this for the most part, and I’m just trying to enjoy my life as much as I have. I have plenty of hobbies and am big into fitness and I have friends I see around once a week.
    I haven’t completely given up on relationships, maybe I just haven’t met the right one for something long term, but ever since I turned 40 I found I had far less interest from women on dating apps anyway, it just went off a cliff. This could be down to age settings or something who knows, but far less interest now. I know it’s the same for women but you can start to feel a bit invisible to the opposite sex once you get older!
    Anyway I do feel like there’s a kind of stigma against men my age on their own and it makes me feel a bit uneasy about myself sometimes. I’ve had comments from friends, even family, and once or twice at work. Like men my age with no woman/kids are weirdos and oddballs and failures.
    Any time I’m happy this still gnaws away at me a little bit in the background. I live in a family suburb and I do talk to some of the neighbours but part of me always thinks they probably think I’m the weirdo who lives on his own. I lived in NYC for a few years and sometimes I wish I was back there, I really felt like the anonymity and eclectic mix of people in these huge cities suited who I am. I can’t go back to visa reasons anyway.
    I suppose I’m asking if anyone else feels the same? Like they don’t fit into society because they’re on their own? Or life feels a bit aimless? What are single people in their 40s supposed to do with themselves? I don’t mind my job but I’m more a work to live person so it’s not something I can get lost in…
    Sorry for the musings and ramblings, I’m just back from the park and I seemed to be the only person there on their own on this beautiful day.


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    #2
    Dial Hard
    Registered Users Posts: 13,378 ✭✭✭✭Dial Hard


    What's your family & friend situation like? I'm long-term single at 39 and perfectly happy with the likelihood that I'll be staying this way (full disclosure, I don't want children and was married before, just in case that matters). But I have an amazing family around me and a small circle of close friends so I have loads of company, companionship, social outlets etc. I might feel very differently if I didn't have all that.

    I do miss the sexual side of things, of course, but you can't have it both ways, I guess!

    Anyway, it's not really clear to me from your post whether you *actually* want a relationship and kids or just feel like you should because it's what you think society expects of you (spoiler alert: nobody particularly cares, tbh). I think if you can answer that question for yourself, it might make your next steps a bit clearer.


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    #3
    Rubberchikken
    Registered Users Posts: 5,083 ✭✭✭Rubberchikken


    There will be people who think a single male might be weird. Some think because they're married/in a relationship then everyone else should be. Should have kids. Should should should.

    You need to live your life. If you're happy as you are, then good.
    If you're not, then decide what needs changing.


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    #4
    YellowLead
    Registered Users Posts: 7,661 ✭✭✭YellowLead


    DH made a very good point. There’s a difference between being single and not happy about it because you would prefer to meet somebody to share your life, or part of, with - and being not happy about it because of what other people think or you are worried they think.

    Early 40s as a man - you still have plenty of chances of a relationship is something you actually want. Yes it gets harder as you get older, the pool diminishes. But if you are happy enough being single then I wouldn’t worry, if you meet somebody great, if you don’t and are fairly content without then that’s more than cool too.


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    #5
    Pandiculation
    Closed Accounts Posts: 309 ✭✭Pandiculation


    I find Ireland can, despite the recent opening of minds and more liberal politics, be an extremely conformist place. There’s a cookie cutter model of the suburban or rural married lifestyle and I think it often tends to fail to recognise that single people exist and may not necessarily want to be married with kids.

    I’m on the other side of a long term relationship that didn’t work out and I’m finding that, particularly after experiencing Ireland through the lockdown and pandemic, that I’m probably better off moving back to the continent and to bigger urban centres.

    There’s a lifestyle here, but it’s a very specific one. I find Ireland doesn’t really do multiple models of how life works. That’s fine, but it’s just something I’m increasingly aware of and it’s an issue in housing too. Nothing is geared towards a nice lifestyle if you’re not in a double income situation.

    It’s an odd place. I’m glad it’s becoming more progressive and open minded, but I think we have to also recognise it’s a country that comes from a deeply conservative worldview and that’s reflected in many aspects of how it is and how it structures things.

    It can be a great place to grow up but it feels a lot more like a one size fits all suburbia and ruralia sometimes.

    I don’t mean to “dis” Ireland but it has serious drawbacks if you’re single & not aiming to be conventional.

    There are other cities and countries a hop skip and a jump away and I intend to spend a lot more time in them in the years ahead.

    If nothing else, the pandemic has made me reevaluate a lot of things.


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    #6
    Purple Mountain
    Registered Users Posts: 13,003 ✭✭✭✭Purple Mountain


    I'm female, nearly hitting 40 and single. I was in a LTR and have a teenager as a result so I find that I don't get questions because I have "half the battle".
    I love going to visit friends in Spain because there's no assumption that you should be married/parented up/mortgaged out and men and women can be friends without any questions about motives. This is one thing I hate about Ireland. There is a societal expectation that we should all fit into that neat box.
    I remember reading on this very site once an opinion by a poster that if you were single after a certain age it was because you had mental health issues or were odd (I'm paraphrasing now by that's the jist).
    Anyway, like a previous poster says, YOU need to figure if you're happy with your status. If you are, screw the opinionated nosy bats and seek out friendships with people in a similar position and if you'd rather have a partner, embrace that thought too and put yourself out there on apps for mature people or join an agency.
    Remember- "what other people think of me is none of my business"!

    To thine own self be true



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    #7
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 18,749 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    I'm female, mid 40s female. I have no kids and I don't want them. I understand OP about other people's attitudes, the things people say sometimes are unbelievable!
    I agree with some of the other posts here, it's a very Irish attitude, you should be coupled up, you should have kids. It's an old fashioned view, probably because it was that way for So long here.
    I was lucky that I got to live overseas to work for a while, it was a very multi national with a lot of singles, or people working away from home. I loved it, loved the variety of things to do with different people. Loved the fact that no-one expected me to be married or have kids.
    I used to live in a 3 bed semi in a suburban housing estate, the neighbours were lovely, but I felt 'out of place ' so I sold up. Suburbia is not for me.

    I know myself what I want in my life, and I am happy with myself. Other people's attitude don't bother me now, because I am content.
    I do what I want, when I want, I make all my own decisions without the need to compromise or discuss with anyone else. I'm my own boss :)

    That's a bit of a ramble, basically, like already said, you need to decide what makes you happy, if you really want to be coupled up, then don't give up, if you think you would be better single, embrace it and to hell with the begrudgers.


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    #8
    Pandiculation
    Closed Accounts Posts: 309 ✭✭Pandiculation


    Yeah. I liked living abroad for that reason. I never felt I had to justify myself all the time. Maybe it would be different if I grew up with a circle of friends from those places but, I found here from age 20 you were getting lectured by colleagues and total strangers about not being on the housing ladder.

    I know I’ve single female friends who’ve had absolutely horrid things said to them by random guys in pubs and I’ve had a few odd ones said to me as a male too over the last few years - just patronising nonsense. It’s just not worth even giving it much thought but I think we are a culture that’s only beginning to embrace individualism in some ways. It embraces it very well in someways and not in others.

    It’s important to just live your life in a way that makes you happy, but there are times I find Ireland needs to move beyond “the valley do the curtain twitchers” but I think the place is evolving and those people should be ignored a lot more than they often are. They’re usually just pass remarkable gossips & should be seen as such.

    I’d also advise you to get involved in stuff that’s about doing things : Meetup.com groups, art groups, walking and hiking groups, community projects, there are lots of things, especially in urban areas that aren’t as conventional. If they’re not for you just move on to the next one.

    The pandemic is a bit dull but checkout Meetup in particular for virtual events. They’re good to get to know people.


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    #9
    bitofabind
    Registered Users Posts: 939 ✭✭✭bitofabind


    One life lesson that has taken me a few decades to learn is that often what society says we "should" do/be runs contrary to what we actually need as individuals. This runs across countries and cultures. I lived in London and the expectation was to prioritise work and career above all else because success was the currency. In Ireland, we're a bit more parochial and it's the marriage, mortgage and kids as a form of identity. We don't yet cater to or embrace the less conventional folks, which is a pity because IME they're often the more interesting and open-minded too.

    OP - don't internalise the "should"s and the "not enough"s of the world around you and try to see the folks that make you feel like being single is weird/odd/whatever as exactly what they are, a symptom of a closed mindset. Forget the outside noise. What do YOU want? It's not clear if you really would like to meet someone, given you've struggled to stay in relationships in the past. How's your life more generally? How's your mental health? Are you happy in your job, do you have ways to stay busy on the weekend?

    I've spent a lot of time single, and I stopped noticing or caring about all the outside noise when I got really peaceful and content with my single life. I just thought, feck it, it might be just little old me for the rest of my days so may as well crack on and make it worth my while. Cleared the cobwebs in my head with a therapist and really settled into myself. It was the best barrier to giving a sh1t about the parochial chitter chatter I've ever built for myself, and an upside was I got really clear on my values and what I was looking for romantically too.

    And finally - you're 40-odd, fit and have your sh1t together. You're a catch by most women's standards. Dating apps are toxic to most of us, age is just another way they make you feel crap about yourself.


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    #10
    Pandiculation
    Closed Accounts Posts: 309 ✭✭Pandiculation


    Dating apps are where romance dies in my view. They’re just the most superficial and toxic way of interacting with other humans. I don’t deny that they serve a purpose and that some people have found their ideal partner on them, but they’ve a LOT of downsides too and need to be approached with a large degree of caution and a willingness to never take them seriously.

    You’re better off just expanding your circle of friends. You’ll meet people who you might never in a million years be interested in romantically, but they’re all relationships that are important in their own way.

    Should you happen to bump into that right woman or man along the way, that’s great. If you don’t, you’ll have met load of interesting people.

    My view of it is increasingly live, let live and enjoy yourself. Life isn’t about attaining the approval or conforming to a convention.


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    #11
    BingCrosbee
    Registered Users Posts: 260 ✭✭BingCrosbee


    >>Mod snip - No need to quote entire OP as its them and their thread you're replying to. Quoting long posts clogs the thread and makes it difficult for touch site users to navigate through <<

    I wish you all the best but when you said you are big into fitness is another way of saying I’m big into myself. Maybe I’m wrong but you might try looking at that aspect of your life. Relationships are all about sharing and respect and it gets harder the older you get.


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    #12
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 18,749 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    Yep, God forbid that people try to stay fit and healthy as they get older #rolleyes#


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    #13
    Pandiculation
    Closed Accounts Posts: 309 ✭✭Pandiculation


    @ BingCrosbee - No offence intended but you’re jumping to some rather far fetched and unfair conclusions there about someone’s personality based on nothing but what seems to be a prejudice about people who keep fit.

    Keeping fit is a bit more challenging when you get your 20s, but it’s something many people do. It doesn’t imply anything other than that they keep fit.


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    #14
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    When I say big into fitness I just mean I run most days and I watch my diet and stuff, I look and am fitter than most people my age, I get told that all the time, but this definitely seems to be one of the bennies of not being married and having kids.
    @Die Hard – I don’t have a very active social life right now, no, but the fact that I cant travel to see my friends in other places, or take part in activities etc. has hindered that right now. I’d say usually yes I go mountain biking and surfing with a few boys who live in a different part of the country, and I often visit friends in England and Holland.
    @bitofabind and the others talking about Ireland and parochialism. I think this might be it, I left NY when I was 36 but at the time I had friends in their 50s and 60s. It’s like a whole different social strata exists that isn’t here, most of my old friends here are settled down and just don’t do anything sociable any more, like nothing at all. I almost have to threaten them to come to get togethers at my house because they hmm and haw so much!
    I don’t like that I have to live in the boring suburbs but it was all I could afford to buy, there aren’t many happening areas in Dublin anyway, and the less settled areas I could never afford to buy there anyway.
    I do kind of want to move away, but I don’t know where I’d go, my options are becoming limited. On the other hand I’m thinking of putting the head down for 10 years and then retiring early and moving to Spain or Portugal, where I have spent a lot of time and like it there.
    Generally I’m happy, I guess I’m just seeing if it’s normal to feel a bit self conscious. I have a small family but good relations with them generally, apart from my mam badgering me if I have a girlfriend or not they don’t judge me at all.
    So yeah, covid probably isn’t helping, but I’m just feeling a bit lost and bored lately.
    As for women and babies etc – I just don’t really care, I can live without sex as I have only ever enjoyed it with people I am mad about and that hasn’t been very often in my life.
    Thank you for the feedback, it’s nice to have people listen to me and take me seriously on these matters!


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    #15
    BingCrosbee
    Registered Users Posts: 260 ✭✭BingCrosbee


    Pandiculation wrote: »
    @ BingCrosbee - No offence intended but you’re jumping to some rather far fetched and unfair conclusions there about someone’s personality based on nothing but what seems to be a prejudice about people who keep fit.

    Keeping fit is a bit more challenging when you get your 20s, but it’s something many people do. It doesn’t imply anything other than that they keep fit.
    I don’t agree. I’m very fit and I’m 63. Still play football and cycle 200 miles weekly. But I am not into myself and there lots of people now who are really into themselves. I mean no harm and am only expressing an opinion as I see it.


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    #16
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 18,749 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    BingCrosbee wrote: »
    I don’t agree. I’m very fit and I’m 63. Still play football and cycle 200 miles weekly. But I am not into myself and there lots of people now who are really into themselves. I mean no harm and am only expressing an opinion as I see it.

    So you're into fitness, but you're not into yourself, and the OP is into fitness, but he is into himself?
    Good logic there Bing ;)


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    #17
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I think things are fairly bleak for men that dont find someone to love and, if theyre blessed and want them, have kids. Certainly by late 40s and then 50s 60s on your own, itll be tough existence in any city. Sure youll get be able to get a bit of sex now and again but you soon even get bored with that. Lonely as hell. No one to go on holidays with. Night after night on your own. Especially for men as theyre not as resourseful as women.

    You sound like you want a family and youre clearly able to get women so thats something. You gotta stop this cycle of pump and dump when you get bored though.

    Are you getting with girls your actually attracted to? If you go with girls your meh about its not going to work out for a guy like you.

    Work on getting a girl you fancy and like her company and keeping things going, planning things, holidays, and just going with the flow without big expectations.


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    #18
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 18,749 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    BingCrosbee wrote: »
    I’m not into fitness as it being the the be all and end all. I have always looked after myself without being the modern gob****e with the tracksuit, no socks, runners, arsehole haircut, etc. so my logic is 100 per cent. I think I hit a chord with you though. You are one of these people who are into fitness and everything else is relegated into 2nd place.

    Lol!
    Shows you just make up whatever suits you, with absolutely zero evidence of anything
    Funny.


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    #19
    Purple Mountain
    Registered Users Posts: 13,003 ✭✭✭✭Purple Mountain


    Mods- where could I raise the question/suggestion that a forum be created for over 40s singles?
    Something similar to the recent forum for Childfree by Choice would be nice, which is evident from the replies to this thread.
    Thanks.

    To thine own self be true



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    #20
    Hannibal_Smith
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,927 Mod ✭✭✭✭Hannibal_Smith


    Mod Note

    BingCrosbee offer constructive advice in a civil way to the OP, or so don't post in the thread. I have deleted your last post which is off topic.

    Purple Mountain, thanks for your suggestion. There is a Forum Request Forum here, which is probably the best place for your post?

    Thanks

    HS


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    #21
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Rgf789 wrote: »
    I think things are fairly bleak for men that dont find someone to love and, if theyre blessed and want them, have kids. Certainly by late 40s and then 50s 60s on your own, itll be tough existence in any city. Sure youll get be able to get a bit of sex now and again but you soon even get bored with that. Lonely as hell. No one to go on holidays with. Night after night on your own. Especially for men as theyre not as resourseful as women.

    You sound like you want a family and youre clearly able to get women so thats something. You gotta stop this cycle of pump and dump when you get bored though.

    Are you getting with girls your actually attracted to? If you go with girls your meh about its not going to work out for a guy like you.

    Work on getting a girl you fancy and like her company and keeping things going, planning things, holidays, and just going with the flow without big expectations.

    Yeah that's the thing, I tried the travelling alone thing a couple of years ago, and I really didn't like it, it was a lot easier doing that when I was younger staying in hostels but now no, it's not for me.

    I think the family thing is no longer viable, people (mostly women) seem to think a 42 year old man can just easily get some 35 year old woman, but why would they want to get with a guy my age when there are plenty of younger men out there?

    I at least thought I was very attracted to my last girlfriend, we are split up a few years now and I haven't been with anyone since - I think the fact that didnt work out was the last straw and I just started to think I wasn't cut out for relationships. Although looking back now we were probably too different.

    I guess I just want to be happy and content, I don't think I fully am right now. Being stuck in suburbia at this age and spending so much time alone, especially since covid, probably isn't good for me and I need to find a way of living differently. I'm thinking I might live somewhere warm in Europe for a couple of months and working remotely, if possible, when we can fly again. But then that feels a bit like I'm just running away from my situation temporarily.


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    #22
    YellowLead
    Registered Users Posts: 7,661 ✭✭✭YellowLead


    [quote="everybodywangchungtonight;116994940"
    I think the family thing is no longer viable, people (mostly women) seem to think a 42 year old man can just easily get some 35 year old woman, but why would they want to get with a guy my age when there are plenty of younger men out there?
    .[/quote]

    An interesting thought. Here’s my two cents - you are exactly in the right market for mid 30s ladies. I am one myself and guys my own age are generally looking for younger women (late 20s to early 30s) so it’s older or nothing for me.
    I know because of what guys that age have told me, what I’ve read up about online, and finally I did an experiment where I deleted my tinder account and dropped the age lower without changing my photos or wording and suddenly I was seeing lots more men my age in my feed due to getting into more people’s age search limits.
    Also a lot of mid 30s guys are still a little immature and a slightly older guy can appeal to a lot of ladies my age.


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    #23
    Pandiculation
    Closed Accounts Posts: 309 ✭✭Pandiculation


    In my 30s but I’ve tried travelling on my own a few times, mostly business linked stuff but after 24 hours I’m just bored out of my tree and finding it stressful.

    I absolutely hate eating out on my own. I’m also not someone who has ever felt good about wandering into a bar on my own. It usually just ends up feeling extremely awkward to me and I’d end up leaving.

    Even having lunch on my own isn’t something I enjoy at all. It’s just utilitarian and I might maybe end up distracting myself on a laptop or phone for the whole time and hate every minute of it.

    That’s just me though. I’ve always envied people who can just do that. I know both men and women who are totally happy in their own company and can decide to bord a plane to NZ or Argentina and seem to have a great time of it, on their own.

    I’d be bored out of my tree by the time I got the airport, never mind the whole holiday.


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    #24
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 18,749 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    everybodywangchungtonight wrote: »
    Yeah that's the thing, I tried the travelling alone thing a couple of years ago, and I really didn't like it, it was a lot easier doing that when I was younger staying in hostels but now no, it's not for me.
    .

    There are lots of group travelling companies, intrepid, g-travel, many others. You can be single yet also have the group around.
    No-one wants to be single in hostels in your 40s, unless your the last swinger in town!


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    #25
    Purple Mountain
    Registered Users Posts: 13,003 ✭✭✭✭Purple Mountain


    ^^ I'm lucky in that I have a few friends abroad in nice destinations.
    So I book my holidays aroundb that with my own accommodation, but have them to fall back on for meeting up or not depending on how we are all fixed.
    Thst might be something yo consider OP.

    To thine own self be true



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    #26
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Yes I'm lucky that I have friends and family in a few places in Europe, so I shall feck off for a while as soon as that's possible. Actually most of my friends who are single and my age live abroad, sometimes I wish they were here life would be so much better.

    I installed Tinder the other night, got rid of it this morning. Bloody hell it depressed me, I did get plenty of matches but trying to converse with them was like blood from a stone, it seems to be just lots of people showing off and posting instagram style pictures of themselves, but I guess that's just how things are now and it has passed me by!

    Anyway I'm feeling a bit better this week about things, I do try and be grateful for how privileged I am with my own place and money I can't even spend.
    I guess covid has made things worse, but I'm going to do as many things as I can when/if we open up again and try and get involved in different groups, I guess that's all I can do or continue to spend too much time alone.


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    #27
    RojaStar
    Registered Users Posts: 70 ✭✭RojaStar


    I'm a female who just turned 40 and I do think Covid and endless lockdowns has magnified this type of feeling. I definitely feel like being single and childless at this age is generally socially unacceptable. The limited lifestyle of the past year has made me put a lot of thought into what I want out of life. I've been thinking a lot about having kids. But do I actually really want that or is it just because in lockdown all of the things that make being single enjoyable have been taken away and it seems like it's the done thing?

    I wouldn't say I'm single by choice really, but I would say I make the most of it! I moved country a few times in the peak "coupling up" years of the late 20s and have had several relationships that have ended for different reasons. Since turning 40 I've definitely noticed a considerable drop off on the apps. I actually give up on those now, they make me feel worthless to be honest. Some of the questions from men are so depressing and often outright offensive, essentially implying there must be something wrong with me, or I'm too "picky". Frankly some people aren't picky enough, I think a lot of women panic and stick with Mr. Right Now and don't seem to particularly enjoy life. I'd much rather be on my own than in an unhappy or unfulfilling relationship.

    Anyway, don't really know what I'm trying to say here only I think it's normal to feel like the odd one out under the circumstances. I do know that there are a lot more people in this situation now than ever before, sign of the times I suppose. Also I'm grateful to live in a busy, central area as I think being in suburbia surrounded by couples my age with young families would amplify these feelings even more.


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    #28
    sleepyman
    Registered Users Posts: 444 ✭✭sleepyman


    I've recently hit the 40 mark,out of a 15 year relationship and fine it tough going to be honest.Coupled with a dwindling circle of friends and paying over a grand in rent in Dublin doesn't help also.
    I have to say I now dred long weekends also.


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    #29
    Pandiculation
    Closed Accounts Posts: 309 ✭✭Pandiculation


    I'd just say don't let your experience on dating apps influence how you feel about yourself. They are horrible, superficial, unfriendly experiences that reduce people to left/right swipes and dating to something more akin to shopping for hats on a website.

    Join stuff, do things and meet people in context. You'll hear the odd take of great romances starting on apps, but for a lot of people they're the worst possible place to start looking.


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    #30
    Senior
    Registered Users Posts: 37 ✭Senior


    Agree with what you are saying but the apps are good for sex, so they have their uses.


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    #31
    YellowLead
    Registered Users Posts: 7,661 ✭✭✭YellowLead


    Senior wrote: »
    Agree with what you are saying but the apps are good for sex, so they have their uses.

    Agree totally.


This discussion has been closed.
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