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Gossip and trouble at work

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Comments

  • #32
    dd973
    Registered Users Posts: 625 ✭✭✭dd973


    Fandymo wrote: »
    So nothing happened. You are both adults. This is a much bigger deal in your head than in real life.

    Trouble is though, without wishing to be alarming, is that the inside of your head is the 24/7 real world.

    People spread rumours and lies because for some odd quirk in the human psyche, they want to believe them and they want them to be true.


  • #33
    YellowLead
    Registered Users Posts: 7,648 ✭✭✭YellowLead


    OP, I kind of feel like if you are going to get this distressed about a few jokey remarks regarding you and a married man....then don’t hang out with the married man just the two of you and go hugging him.
    If you are cool with a bit of ribbing, then carry on as you please, but you can’t really have one without the other. For most people it’s just a bit of craic they probably don’t mean anything malicious. And if they do - there might be other things at play regarding how they feel about you.


  • #34
    connected1
    Registered Users Posts: 127 ✭✭connected1


    OP, you are worrying about nothing. I had this kind of thing happen to me too. People see things through their own lens where they think that a man and woman together must be up to something.
    The difference in my case was that I'm in a relationship that could have been damaged by unfounded rumours. I still laughed it off, cos I knew I hadn't done anything wrong.
    So really, as a single person, what business is it of anyone who you met and what you get up to?
    If people at work think you slept with this guy, so what? Let them think what they like


  • #35
    spaceHopper
    Registered Users Posts: 3,955 ✭✭✭spaceHopper


    The more they see you react to this them more they will talk about it. If you can ignore it then it will fade away


  • #36
    sporina
    Registered Users Posts: 6,775 ✭✭✭sporina


    people are bored more now than ever with covid - nothing to talk about.. so your colleagues are prob just using this as a topic to get some goss out of..

    I really think your best laughing it off.. if you react like your guilty then you will add more fuel to it..

    if you laugh it off they will get bored and move onto something else..


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  • #37
    Jenneke87
    Registered Users Posts: 807 ✭✭✭Jenneke87


    Hi all,

    Thanks for all the replies. After reading them, I decided just to keep my head down and wait for it to blow over, which didn't happen and people are still talking about it, in fact, another rumor is now circulating that I also slept with another male co-worker..So now there are two rumors going around about me sleeping with different men within the company (both of them are unfounded btw, and I'm not sure what the most recent one is based on, other than that he's a fun guy to work with).

    I discussed it with my TM, it feels weird going to work right now. He wants to send out an e-mail reminding everyone that this sort of carry on is not okay (not mentioning me specifically) and I wonder if this is the right course of action, I fear people will cop on that it's about me and it will escalate things further.

    Can anyone advise me what the best course of action is dealing with these kind of things? Thanks in advance.


  • #38
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators Posts: 13,739 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    Who cares about these rumours? They're 'a bit of craic' amongst colleagues. If you are hearing these rumours back then it is pretty likely people don't actually believe them and are just 'having the bantz' :rolleyes:

    If someone asks you did you sleep with whomever, and you didn't, then you just say you didn't. I'm sure they're also saying it to the men, who we assume also deny it?

    I think as previously mentioned your work colleagues see that you are easily wound up and continue to do it. I think if you feel upset, intimidated, whatever, by these rumours then you make an official complaint and you let your manager deal with it.

    Yes, it will obviously be known that you made the complaint, but what's your alternative? You clearly are not able to ignore/laugh it off, so all you can do is make it formal and request that a stop be put to it.


  • #39
    YellowLead
    Registered Users Posts: 7,648 ✭✭✭YellowLead


    I think that is a good idea. Not sure who this TM guy is - team manager? But if they are answerable to him and respect his authority then a little rap on the knuckles might make them shut up.
    Some might carry on, but others will be jolted into not joining in and others might actually feel bad. If it’s worded well.
    I mean it could backfire but it’s better to take some course or action rather than none, what have you got to lose.
    To be honest I’m not overly surprised the rumours started at first with you off for walks and hugs with the married guy - but a few little jokes and it should have died a death rather than escalating.


  • #40
    Jenneke87
    Registered Users Posts: 807 ✭✭✭Jenneke87


    Big Bag of Chips wrote: »
    Who cares about these rumours? They're 'a bit of craic' amongst colleagues. If you are hearing these rumours back then it is pretty likely people don't actually believe them and are just 'having the bantz' :rolleyes:

    If someone asks you did you sleep with whomever, and you didn't, then you just say you didn't. I'm sure they're also saying it to the men, who we assume also deny it?

    I think as previously mentioned your work colleagues see that you are easily wound up and continue to do it. I think if you feel upset, intimidated, whatever, by these rumours then you make an official complaint and you let your manager deal with it.

    Yes, it will obviously be known that you made the complaint, but what's your alternative? You clearly are not able to ignore/laugh it off, so all you can do is make it formal and request that a stop be put to it.

    A little while ago someone came to me that people were still talking about it, calling me disgusting, a slut etc. These are people I have to work with..And yes it does bother me, I feel like this has gone beyond it being 'banter' and that this is actively damaging my reputation at work..


  • #41
    Neyite
    Administrators, Politics Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 25,947 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Neyite


    You work with a bunch of dickheads. This has been going on for a month now. I said earlier that you've done nothing wrong. Even if you did sleep with that colleague unless your workplace has a fraternising policy that you breached, they are out of order now.

    Persistent unfounded rumours being deliberately spread by your colleagues -even when you've corrected them repeatedly - about your private life, I'd consider that workplace bullying to be honest.

    I know you are working abroad so I can't advise you on employment law but what's the process for stuff like that? If I were you I'd start with your company handbook, and find out what your options are - a formal complaint? Stress leave? What's in legislation about this? Or can you find another job far away from this cesspit of eejits?
    Your health isn't worth this...


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  • #42
    eleventh
    Closed Accounts Posts: 436 ✭✭eleventh


    Jenneke87 wrote: »
    Hi all,

    Thanks for all the replies. After reading them, I decided just to keep my head down and wait for it to blow over, which didn't happen and people are still talking about it, in fact, another rumor is now circulating that I also slept with another male co-worker..So now there are two rumors going around about me sleeping with different men within the company (both of them are unfounded btw, and I'm not sure what the most recent one is based on, other than that he's a fun guy to work with).

    I discussed it with my TM, it feels weird going to work right now. He wants to send out an e-mail reminding everyone that this sort of carry on is not okay (not mentioning me specifically) and I wonder if this is the right course of action, I fear people will cop on that it's about me and it will escalate things further.

    Can anyone advise me what the best course of action is dealing with these kind of things? Thanks in advance.
    If it was me I'd be looking for something else.
    Emails going out are unlikely to help, and could make things worse.
    It sounds like there's a toxic element there.
    I can understand though the view of hoping it could improve. If I was younger, in my 20s, I would probably take that view, and stay around months or longer in the situation to find out.
    Now with experience, I would recognise more quickly - "this is a toxic situation. Is it likely to improve? No, I can't change it by telling the truth. I can't change people who have decided to be a certain way".

    That said, we often have to go through things first hand to find out and learn about people, and ourselves.
    Every situation is different as well.

    As to immediate advice, I would say ask your manager to not send those emails out, that you've thought about it and don't feel it would help.


  • #43
    Neyite
    Administrators, Politics Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 25,947 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Neyite


    Can you transfer to a different location? Or would the rumours follow you over there?

    People walking up to you calling you disgusting and a slut is abusive and those people should be hauled in by HR to get a warning. Your TM should be sending verbal and written warnings not a wet non-specific email!

    Honestly, no job is worth the stress of a toxic workplace.


  • #44
    eleventh
    Closed Accounts Posts: 436 ✭✭eleventh


    Jenneke87 wrote: »
    A little while ago someone came to me that people were still talking about it, calling me disgusting, a slut etc. These are people I have to work with..And yes it does bother me, I feel like this has gone beyond it being 'banter' and that this is actively damaging my reputation at work..
    Well this changes it a bit and I agree it suggests bullying.

    I wonder though who it is bringing you the information. Do you trust this person? Is it possible they are lying/exaggerating for some reason. Something to consider. It's one thing rumours going around. It's another thing people name-calling and being so convinced something happened that didn't.
    I would say to distance a bit from whoever this person is, and see if the other colleagues are really as hostile towards you as he or she wants you to believe.


  • #45
    Jenneke87
    Registered Users Posts: 807 ✭✭✭Jenneke87


    eleventh wrote: »
    Well this changes it a bit and I agree it suggests bullying.

    I wonder though who it is bringing you the information. Do you trust this person? Is it possible they are lying/exaggerating for some reason. Something to consider. It's one thing rumours going around. It's another thing people name-calling and being so convinced something happened that didn't.
    I would say to distance a bit from whoever this person is, and see if the other colleagues are really as hostile towards you as he or she wants you to believe.

    I think I can, ironically, he's the person that people now also think I slept with..


  • #46
    Jequ0n
    Registered Users Posts: 6,034 ✭✭✭Jequ0n


    Jenneke87 wrote: »
    A little while ago someone came to me that people were still talking about it, calling me disgusting , a slut etc. These are people I have to work with..And yes it does bother me, I feel like this has gone beyond it being 'banter' and that this is actively damaging my reputation at work..

    I’d be very careful who and what to believe tbh.

    I don’t mean to have a dig at you but you are a prime candidate for this sort of behaviour because you seem to get more wound up than others (I am basing this on your whole thread, not the update alone).

    Are people saying these things to you directly or do you just hear about it from others?

    If things are said directly you need to document them because it’s a HR issue and a generic email to the whole workforce is not a suitable means to address it.

    Do yourself a favour and question the motives of people delivering the gossip to you. They are not doing you a favour..


  • #47
    Neyite
    Administrators, Politics Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 25,947 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Neyite


    Jenneke87 wrote: »
    I think I can, ironically, he's the person that people now also think I slept with..

    He is not your friend.
    In fact, he sounds like the very person fuelling the rumours about you both.

    Think about this. The rumours started because you went for ice-cream with a man who's in an open marriage - and is very candid about that. So he's not going to be bothered about people talking about his sex life - in fact, he probably likes the notoriety, and more than likely exaggerates to great effect. Like saying he shags people when he didn't.

    But you do care about your reputation. He knows this. Yet he still gets a kick out of coming to you, telling you that other people think you are a slut and disgusting. Keeping it going. A friend would not do this to you. A friend would defend you to others and stop rumours from reaching you where possible.

    Any man that spreads rumours that he slept with someone he didn't sleep with isn't a nice man and isn't a good friend.


  • #48
    Jenneke87
    Registered Users Posts: 807 ✭✭✭Jenneke87


    I think I may have worded something incorrectly here. He didn't start the second rumor. He was approached by a collegue of him saying that story was doing the rounds and then informed me of what was being said about us.

    When he heard other people gossiping about me he informed me of that also.


  • #49
    Jequ0n
    Registered Users Posts: 6,034 ✭✭✭Jequ0n


    So nothing concrete is being said to you directly? It’s only ever he said/ she said bull****?


  • #50
    HildaOgdenx
    Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,370 Mod ✭✭✭✭HildaOgdenx


    Always be wary of the person carrying tales.

    Small example, I had a colleague telling me once, that such and such was said about a piece of work I had done, by our mutual line manager.
    I said I need to clear that up, I will go and talk to the line manager. And the colleague must have been dizzy with the backtracking she did when I said that. Suddenly it didn't happen, and wasn't said.

    It's an unpleasant scenario, OP. I echo what others have said, talk ONLY to your manager / team leader about it. And in strict confidence.

    Don't listen to what tales are being brought to you by that guy. He could well be enjoying winding you up, unfortunately. Shut it down, next time it starts. It's extraordinary really that these people have not more to occupy them, at work.


  • #51
    Jenneke87
    Registered Users Posts: 807 ✭✭✭Jenneke87


    Jequ0n wrote: »
    So nothing concrete is being said to you directly? It’s only ever he said/ she said bull****?

    Depends I suppose. People have come up to me and R. asking if the rumor is true so I know for a fact that one is circulating. The other one I only found out about yesterday and he was none to happy about it himself so I highly doubt he just made up a rumor about us saying that we slept together.


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  • #52
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators Posts: 13,739 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    Neyite wrote: »
    Yet he still gets a kick out of coming to you, telling you that other people think you are a slut and disgusting. Keeping it going. A friend would not do this to you. A friend would defend you to others and stop rumours from reaching you where possible.

    This Jenneke87, this all day.

    If I heard someone saying something so disgusting about my friend I would immediately shut it down and I certainly would not go back to my friend telling her someone said she was disgusting and a slut.

    And, can I ask if it's just you who is disgusting or is it these men?

    I would tell your "friend" that you are going to make a formal complaint about the things you are hearing back. And then do it. Naming your friend as the one who is bringing the stories back to you. Your manager should be in a position to get to the bottom of this pretty quickly.

    If you are hearing nothing from anyone except one person, it appears like he enjoyed the bit of gossip about the other man and wanted a bit of it for himself. He's either making it up, or he's not protecting you from it. Either way I don't think he's the friend you think he is.


  • #53
    Neyite
    Administrators, Politics Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 25,947 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Neyite


    Jenneke87 wrote: »
    Depends I suppose. People have come up to me and R. asking if the rumor is true so I know for a fact that one is circulating. The other one I only found out about yesterday and he was none to happy about it himself so I highly doubt he just made up a rumor about us saying that we slept together.

    So Man A is unhappy with the false rumour that you slept with Man B, but was grand about the first rumour circulating that you slept with Man A?

    Or is it that Man A was fine about the original rumour that you slept with him but now someone has started a rumour you slept with Man B and Man B is none too happy about it?


  • #54
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators Posts: 13,739 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    My understanding is Man B told her people were talking about her having slept with Man A. Others mentioned it too. Now apparently people are saying she also slept with Man B, and Man B himself is being all chivalrous and outraged.

    Although, I don't think Man B is as pure as he's painting himself. Hand it all over to your manager and let him sort it out


  • #55
    Jenneke87
    Registered Users Posts: 807 ✭✭✭Jenneke87


    Big Bag of Chips wrote: »
    My understanding is Man B told her people were talking about her having slept with Man A. Others mentioned it too. Now apparently people are saying she also slept with Man B, and Man B himself is being all chivalrous and outraged

    That's the correct version of it.


  • #56
    eleventh
    Closed Accounts Posts: 436 ✭✭eleventh


    You have nothing to lose at his stage by going to the manager to make the formal complaint as BBoC says.
    I would do it without telling Man B.
    Chances are he will deny it to the manager or downplay it drastically, if the manager follows up and approaches him to confirm. (Don't be too surprised if the manager can't be trusted either. If the culture is overall toxic, he won't be).


  • #57
    Notmything
    Registered Users Posts: 974 ✭✭✭Notmything


    Jenneke87 wrote: »
    Hi all,

    Thanks for all the replies. After reading them, I decided just to keep my head down and wait for it to blow over, which didn't happen and people are still talking about it, in fact, another rumor is now circulating that I also slept with another male co-worker..So now there are two rumors going around about me sleeping with different men within the company (both of them are unfounded btw, and I'm not sure what the most recent one is based on, other than that he's a fun guy to work with).

    I discussed it with my TM, it feels weird going to work right now. He wants to send out an e-mail reminding everyone that this sort of carry on is not okay (not mentioning me specifically) and I wonder if this is the right course of action, I fear people will cop on that it's about me and it will escalate things further.

    Can anyone advise me what the best course of action is dealing with these kind of things? Thanks in advance.

    How does your TM intend to word the email?

    "Can everyone stop gossiping about their colleagues sex lives" or "who people sleep with or not sleep with is not a suitable topic for discussion in work".

    Sorry but this is only going to fuel the gossip.


  • #58
    Jequ0n
    Registered Users Posts: 6,034 ✭✭✭Jequ0n


    Notmything wrote: »
    How does your TM intend to word the email?

    "Can everyone stop gossiping about their colleagues sex lives" or "who people sleep with or not sleep with is not a suitable topic for discussion in work".

    Sorry but this is only going to fuel the gossip.

    Should be covered by the workplace’s code of conduct so it’s likely to be a generic email reminding everyone of the code.
    I’ve gotten “friendly” reminders before (not by email) and unless you are an idiot you know what it means. However, in this case there is no tangible culprit so it will be a meaningless email to a faceless group of people.


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