What is wrong with me?

Hi

I've had depressive episodes since my teens which is decades ago now. I managed to get a degree and a postgraduate, established a successful career for 15 years and married a wonderful person.

However, I have always been tortured to some extent by a dysfunctional childhood ( cliché..yeuch!) And I had a complete nervous breakdown that started with a descent into alcoholism from self medicating with alcohol at the weekend...then progressed from there.
I went to rehab in Wexford for alcoholism. And while it worked for others, I was still floundering in sobriety.
I was referred to st. Pat's last year and I have learned more there and in the time since than I did in years previous trying to find the key to my own psyche. While there I had group therapy, one to one counseling, lectures about topics related to my diagnosis, my husband was invited to come to a session with my counselor which proved very rewarding. There was information made available on everything from genetic predisposition to certain types of mental illness to how nutrition affects the mind, for example: vit D deficiency can cause depression and weight gain.
I was able to try out classes on activities like yoga/pottery/knitting/meditation/art/mindful colouring etc and had sessions with an occupational therapist to help me create a self care plan to aid recovery and look after my mental health in the future. It was all there for me to explore and helped hugely. I was referred to an outpatient day program then in compassion focused therapy which I'm now doing virtually over Microsoft teams and am finding it is helping me address self destructive behaviours which stemmed from a negative self image. I'm making progress with blocks I've had forever that I thought would never change.

I don't feel I'm in a position to offer you more than that information, by which I mean I wouldn't be able to get into a conversation about your specific problems. But I can tell you that I came from a place of absolute disconnection with everything and everyone around me to that of finding parts of myself that I feel are worthwhile and valuable today. I have rediscovered a sense of fun and the enjoyment from connecting with others in more meaningful ways.

I applaud you for reaching out by asking for help. It takes real courage to speak a truth so rarely shared so gather that courage and reach out/seek out professionals who have encountered many (nd I was amazed at just how many.) people who feel exactly like you describe. Your GP can give you recommendations for counselors/psychologists or psychiatrists, depending on which you need. You CAN turn things around to regain a sense of self worth and enable you to pursue the things you want in your life that you say you are missing. It's very hard to create a good life when you feel broken inside and don't know where or how to start.

I wish you well and hope you have a shorter journey than I in terms of how long it takes to reach the right people to help(decades!). They are out there, all you need is the willingness to be honest and vulnerable with the right therapist and learn new coping skills. Finding the right path starts with asking your GP for recommendations, or you could ask for advice in how to find them via sites like aware.ie/yourmentalhealth.ie/samaritans.org

Xx

Wanderer78 wrote: »

Have you received much professional help since your breakdown?

Hi there

There are various post discharge resources made available so you're not left without support if you need it but it's up to you whether you want them or not.

I attend sessions every few months via the Dean clinic with a psychiatrist from my treating team.

I attended a 3 month aftercare program when I left st.pats. it was a half day there once a week which consisted of group therapy and lectures , workshops etc.

I gave permission for my GP to receive my post discharge report and she gives me my prescriptions as indicated by pat's. I am on a maintenance dose of antidepressants and look at them as necessary in much the same way I'd take blood pressure medication if I needed it.