Cheating

Monife wrote: »

Not that you would feel less loss if she died than cheated on you, but you wouldn't have the complete emotional headf*ck of processing a betrayal. When you experience infidelity, you lose your spouse anyway if you choose to leave, but you also lose yourself. You question your entire marriage and existence. Some betrayed spouses have said they think they would cope better emotionally if their spouse died than coping with the betrayal.

Look, I'm not going to try and explain it anymore. No one really understands what it feels like unless they go through it. And even if you do unfortunately go through it, everyone's experience is different due to a number of factors (how your marriage was before, how long you were together, how you found out, how your spouse acted after, what type of affair/cheating it was, what other lies or betrayals were there, how emotionally strong you were to begin with etc.)

Y’know I completely get what you’re saying, but the problem with what you’re saying above is that it’s completely contradictory - “no-one really understands it unless they go through it”, I get that, “everyone’s experience is different”, I get that too. What you appear to be missing in your own opinion is that by virtue of the fact that you admit everyone’s experiences are different, then using that same rationale- nobody could possibly understand anyone else’s experiences, precisely because they’re all different! This is exactly why I said earlier that I had no intention of talking about my experiences - because realistically speaking, they would be of no value to you whatsoever.


You started the thread looking for this -

Monife wrote: »

I would love to get an idea of how many men cheat in relationships/marriages, men's perception of cheating on their significant other and what they would consider cheating.

I just don’t see how, even if anyone were capable of giving you what you’re looking for, that it would be of any help to you? I don’t see how someone else’s experiences are in any way relevant to your experiences, they’d be two or more completely different circumstances. I have no idea what it’s like for example to have experience of every significant male figure in my life cheating, that’s bound to colour your opinions of men, but on some level, you must surely be aware that your experience is highly unusual, and that no, most men do not cheat on their girlfriends or their wives.

What difference even would knowing how many men cheat in relationships/marriages make to you? The only time it would ever directly affect you is if the person you were dating or married to, cheats on you. Anyone else’s experiences are theirs, and if someone is left devastated to the degree that they would compare their grief to the pain of losing a child, then you can be rest assured there’s a lot more going on there than is generally considered a normal and understandable reaction to being cheated on - that person either has no experience, no self-awareness, or less kindly but more likely - a very poor grasp on reality.

Monife wrote: »

Well it's all very subjective and everyone's circumstances are different. For some, it would be the worst thing to ever happen to them, others it wouldn't.

But calling it a ridiculous statement is rather minimising for the people who been through this. You will see from a few of the previous posts that some people have been left absolutely devastated, some felt utterly broken.

I stand by what I said, it was a ridiculous thing to say and based on nothing other than feelings which cannot be measured.

Ranking being on the receiving end of infidelity just behind the loss of a child is rather minimising and quite frankly disrespectful to the to the people who have lost a child.

Back on point, I don't really understand what you hoped to achieve by starting this thread - is it a platform for you to vent your spleen? To gain an understanding of why men cheat?

I'm sick and tired of men in general being made the scapegoat for all the ****ty things that happen in life - women cheat too, women abuse their partners too, women commit crime too.

Monife wrote: »

I am fully aware that women cheat too, I never said they didn't, but I wanted to gain perspective on why men cheat, because sometimes the motivations are different between the genders.

If that's really what you want to know then I'll certainly tell you. I think there is usually more than one reason. In my own case the reasons were as follows:

Because my wife commodified sex and used it as currency and a control mechanism within our marriage.

Because I had an opportunity to do so with someone that wanted to have sex with me simply for the enjoyment of the act.

Because I was able to rationalise my decision based on the unsatisfactory state of my marriage.

Because I was horny... yep, it's that simple.

So ultimately, if your partner acts in bad faith and withholds sex and someone else is happy to engage in it, the outcome is almost inevitable (well for me it was...).

Deleted User wrote: »

in all fairness hen parties are as bad if not worse

Definitely. (What happens on the Hen party stays on the hen party!)

Never have and never will. It's been done to me twice and it doesn't only shatter your own self esteem but trust in other people, future relationships. I'm certainly not perfect and even recently hopped from dating someone straight into a relationship, but glad I had never cheated. (Despite the fact I was accused of it in this situation).

Palmach wrote: »

Monogamy is an unnatural situation. One can love their wife yet bang somone the odd time. I don't see the problem.

While I do see you point with Monogamy being unnatural and goes against our more basic instinct. Would you not see it as a problem wherein your wife doesn't have the same view.....I.e where they do believe in it.

Palmach wrote:

Monogamy is an unnatural situation. One can love their wife yet bang somone the odd time. I don't see the problem.

What if your wife doesn't agree?

Have cheated on my boyfriend before, and seen the damage it caused, will never, or never want to do it again.

This was 3 years ago, he found out straight away, we are stronger than ever. Thank god.

Still live with the guilt!

I dont believe in the phrase once a cheater always a cheater, whats the point in change then.

dartboardio wrote: »

Have cheated on my boyfriend before, and seen the damage it caused, will never, or never want to do it again.
This was 3 years ago, he found out straight away, we are stronger than ever. Thank god.
Still live with the guilt!
I dont believe in the phrase once a cheater always a cheater, whats the point in change then.

I'm delighted that it worked out for you. It must be tough, but again, shows true commitment from both people. Nice to see the other perspective, agreed men do get the most brunt of it but its a shared thing of both sexes.