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Greatest Comebacks Thread

2

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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 7,277 ✭✭✭Your Face


    Germany


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 8,474 ✭✭✭Obvious Desperate Breakfasts


    Draper saying to Ginsberg “I don’t think about you at all.” and then fücking off out the lift.


  • Registered Users Posts: 9,018 ✭✭✭Ficheall


    I like this one.
    Was on a bus a while ago and a few scrotes, around 14/15, were giving some hipster looking lad a load of abuse. The chief abuser was as fat as shít and trying to show off to his mates. Anyway, he started calling the bloke a paedo - the beard and glasses probably gave him the idea. He started saying "I bet you want to ride me, don't you, you paedo?", to which the previously silent bloke replied "Sorry, you have the wrong person, I don't **** baby whales....."


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,074 ✭✭✭RiderOnTheStorm


    I told a joke at work recently, slagging the hometown of a colleagues wife (that was part of the joke). He saw the funny side, but faked some outrage, saying his wife would be very upset to hear such a thing said about her & home town.
    I told him his wife loves a good joke and he should ring her to get her actual reaction to the joke ..... Then I passed him my phone and said "try speed dial #3"


  • Registered Users Posts: 18,069 ✭✭✭✭fryup




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  • Registered Users Posts: 40,060 ✭✭✭✭ohnonotgmail


    trashcan wrote: »
    Not quite. It was Churchill for a start, in response to some woman who said to him accusingly, "You're drunk" He replied, "Yes, but in the morning I will be sober, you however will still be ugly". Or something like that. It's a classic comeback to be fair, and I wouldn't be much of a Churchill fan.

    Said to lady astor.


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,164 ✭✭✭Bigbagofcans


    If you ran like your mouth you'd be in good shape.


  • Registered Users Posts: 17,300 ✭✭✭✭razorblunt


    "You're not explaining this very well" (he was).
    - "Yeah, I apologise, I should have brought crayons when I knew you'd be here".


    That one caused uproar.


  • Registered Users Posts: 5,406 ✭✭✭NeinNeinNein


    I'll go and get me measuring tape.


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,741 ✭✭✭randd1


    When I was U14 in the soccer years ago, we were playing a match in the evening, and the way the pitch was the sun was fairly low so it would be in the keepers eyes.

    Our keeper asked if anyone had a cap.
    I offered him my one.

    He said "I'm not taking that off of you, I'll catch something".
    I replied instantly "only your mothers perfume".

    The rest of the team burst out laughing, and our manager looked at our keeper and said "answer that if you can". The chap was red with everyone laughing at him.

    Probably my best comeback, for sheer effect of the words as opposed to comedy value.


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,149 ✭✭✭Tammy!


    Two lads I know who worked together at the time got a lift off one of their aunties to work one day. They were sitting in the back of the car and said to the aunty, "so how's aul Mary doing now?" The aunt said "not well at all, sure she's a dropped rectum now."

    The two lads got into a fit of giggles trying to hold in the laughter at the detail and wording she used and when they were in work, they were still laughing about it, wrecking the foremans head and he was already having a **** day.

    Later on, they forgot about it but something went wrong in the workshop which pissed off the foreman and he threw the tool that was in his hand on the bench and said "ah **** this, you know what lads? I don't ****ing give a rats rectum" and he walked out :pac:


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,164 ✭✭✭Bigbagofcans


    This is my comeback girl, this is my comeback girl, this is my comeback, this is my comeback girl.


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,167 ✭✭✭B-D-P--


    ricky gervais.

    Walks past school yard,
    A fat kid shouts "PEDO" at him,
    He asked what you say
    "Pedo" repeated the fat kid
    "I'm not a pedo, But if i was you be safe you fat fcuk" or something like that said ricky.


  • Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 20,863 Mod ✭✭✭✭inforfun




  • Registered Users Posts: 537 ✭✭✭rgmmg


    In school I had to get my homework signed as I hadn't done it the night before. I forged my Dad's signature and handed it in.

    The next day the teacher she said "RGMMG - up to the front of class. I checked your Dad's signature against a cheque in the office. That's not your Dad's signature". .

    I said "I can't help it if he changes his signature style".

    She didn't have nothing after that. Nothin'! Take that Angela Lansbury wannabe :)


  • Registered Users Posts: 4,325 ✭✭✭Bandana boy


    i would call you a cu n t but you have neither the warmth or the depth


  • Registered Users Posts: 3,003 ✭✭✭Hammer89


    Mam of 4 wrote: »
    Am I the only one who can never think of a great comeback when needs be , but think of brilliant ones later ? :(

    *puts on monocle*

    The French have a phrase for this called Esprit de l’escalier. It means the Spirit of the Staircase, which basically means staircase wit. You only think of the perfect response after the fight, when it's too late.

    *takes off monocle*


  • Registered Users Posts: 770 ✭✭✭afkasurfjunkie


    “What you looking at?”

    “I dunno, but it’s looking back at me.”


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,045 ✭✭✭bop1977


    At the end of a boards meet up I was talking to a boards lady and for some reason she asks out of the blue:

    Lady: I bet my house is bigger than yours?
    Bop: (looking her square in the face) bigger than which one of my houses?

    Ahh... Celtic tiger where have you gone.


  • Registered Users Posts: 5,506 ✭✭✭Wheety


    Was in a pub before and one of the lads said his bald head was a solar panel for a sex machine.

    I said "Yeah, and we can all guess where you keep the batteries"


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  • Registered Users Posts: 3,003 ✭✭✭Hammer89


    bop1977 wrote: »
    At the end of a boards meet up I was talking to a boards lady and for some reason she asks out of the blue:

    Lady: I bet my house is bigger than yours?
    Bop: (looking her square in the face) bigger than which one of my houses?

    Ahh... Celtic tiger where have you gone.

    This is a classic Boardsie thing to do. Some girl wants to bang you by dropping hints about wanting to see your house and you end up bragging about your land and leaving.


  • Registered Users Posts: 10,206 ✭✭✭✭Birneybau


    These threads always descend into self aggrandisement


  • Registered Users Posts: 10,206 ✭✭✭✭Birneybau


    Wheety wrote: »
    Was in a pub before and one of the lads said his bald head was a solar panel for a sex machine.

    I said "Yeah, and we can all guess where you keep the batteries"

    Where?


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,429 ✭✭✭Sheridan81


    Mam of 4 wrote: »
    Am I the only one who can never think of a great comeback when needs be , but think of brilliant ones later ? :(



  • Registered Users Posts: 16,664 ✭✭✭✭the beer revolu


    Wheety wrote: »
    Was in a pub before and one of the lads said his bald head was a solar panel for a sex machine.

    I said "Yeah, and we can all guess where you keep the batteries"

    I don't get this.
    I think I get that we are supposed to think that the batteries are in his ass, but I don't get why that connects the the first statement or why it's funny.
    Don't get it.


  • Registered Users Posts: 3,003 ✭✭✭Hammer89


    Yeah, like a lot of these aren't great comebacks. They're sort of witty and all, but a great comeback to me isn't just wit - it's viciousness as well, if we're talking about comebacks in an argument context.

    If you find the balance between the two, wittiness and ruthlessness, that's a comeback. If you stun the other person into silence for the right reasons, that's a comeback. Anything about anyone's ma isn't a good comeback; not because it's off limits or anything, but because it's dated. Nobody goes around saying, 'Yeah tell your ma I said cheers for last night' anymore.


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,829 ✭✭✭tcawley29


    Hammer89 wrote: »
    Yeah, like a lot of these aren't great comebacks. They're sort of witty and all, but a great comeback to me isn't just wit - it's viciousness as well, if we're talking about comebacks in an argument context.

    If you find the balance between the two, wittiness and ruthlessness, that's a comeback. If you stun the other person into silence for the right reasons, that's a comeback. Anything about anyone's ma isn't a good comeback; not because it's off limits or anything, but because it's dated. Nobody goes around saying, 'Yeah tell your ma I said cheers for last night' anymore.

    Exactly. It's the witty stuff I was looking for. I'm sure Johnny or Paddy will bail us out soon enough :pac:


  • Registered Users Posts: 27,386 ✭✭✭✭odyssey06


    tcawley29 wrote: »
    Exactly. It's the witty stuff I was looking for. I'm sure Johnny or Paddy will bail us out soon enough :pac:

    This one is also attributed to Churchill, this time versus George Bernard Shaw:
    "Here's two tickets to my new play. Bring a friend - if you have one. "
    "Cannot attend opening night. Will come to second night - if there is one."

    http://shawquotations.blogspot.com/2014/11/bernard-shaw-and-sir-winston-churchill.html

    "To follow knowledge like a sinking star..." (Tennyson's Ulysses)



  • Registered Users Posts: 18,996 ✭✭✭✭gozunda


    "if you had **** for brains - you'd be constipated"


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  • Registered Users Posts: 3,444 ✭✭✭evil_seed


    Draper saying to Ginsberg “I don’t think about you at all.” and then fücking off out the lift.

    He said that to Campbell I think


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