Gay Men in Heterosexual Marriages

Glass fused light · 14-03-2020 3:58pm

IAMAMORON wrote: »

The thing about matrimony is that it is the members of that partnership who get to decide their own norms and rules. Can you accept that?

Both parties get to decide jointly on matters of sex and faithfulness

It is in the original contract e.g.

Do you promise to love her, comfort her, honor and keep her for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and health, and

forsaking all others,

be faithful only to her,

for as long as you both shall live? "

The OP can decide what they want to do for themselves but need to understand they are breaking their marriage by having an affair

While it may never be discovered by their partner their actions and choices will have real consequences on their current relationship

Ironicname · 14-03-2020 8:31pm

IAMAMORON wrote:

The thing about matrimony is that it is the members of that partnership who get to decide their own norms and rules. Can you accept that?

Absolutely. If his wife was alright with him going off ****ing men, then have at it. The fact that you recommend that he does it behind her back to scratch his sexual itch is the bit I don't accept.

Girly Gal · 15-03-2020 9:06am

If the OP intends to explore his bisexual feelings then he should come clean to his wife. His wife may be ok with this, but, I would imagine this would mean the end of the marriage.
If he plans to remain faithful to his wife, then I don't really see the point in telling his wife as it could lead to his marriage ending.
Most people who are married are attracted to other people and most don't act on it and don't admit their attraction to their spouse as it would cause unnecessary stress in the marriage.
The issue here is about whether the OP decides to remain faithful to his wife. Whether he is bisexual or not really doesn't come into it.
Just out of interest would the OP tell his wife if he was fantasising about other women or contemplating having sex with other women? It's not much different really.

Xertz · 15-03-2020 2:29pm

Straight, gay or bisexual, if you’re married you’ve agreed to be in a monogamous relationship with someone.

Being attracted to other people is human nature and everyone is in the same boat on that regardless of sexual orientation or gender, but you just can’t act on that within a marriage. That’s the whole point of marriages.

I fully appreciate you’re trying to figure out your sexuality but, don’t do this behind your wife’s back. It’s completely unfair on her both emotionally and also you would also be introducing health risks she would not be aware of if she’s assuming that she’s in a monogamous relationship.

I’m going to be a little moralising here but being with another man or another woman is problematic in exactly the same way. Being bi isn’t the issue. Cheating on your spouse would be.

Also plenty of bi men and bi women are in committed marriages to women or men and it does mean making a decision to be with just that person for the rest of your life or unless you get divorced. That’s just marriage.

I don’t know how telling your wife you’re bi would go. I’ve been in straight relationships as an openly bi man and I’m committed to them. It’s exactly the same if I’m in a gay relationship with another guy. I would be committed to him and the fact I’m bi would be irrelevant in either case.

So all I’m saying is I fully understand that you’re trying to figure something out about your sexuality in retrospect but, you’re also married so if you are going to be with someone else, you’re going to have to be upfront about that and it very likely would mean a the end of a marriage.

Also on the other side of it, people get divorced. That’s also not the end of the world nor is it something shameful or terrible. Life happens. However just do not go behind your spouse’s back be they female or male - it’s infidelity.

My advice is go talk to an LGBT support service. The Gay Switchboard, for example, may be able to point you in the right direction. It is important that you talk to someone and at least discuss what’s going on. Bottling up emotions isn’t good either.

https://gcn.ie/listing/gay-switchboard-ireland/

Girly Gal · 15-03-2020 7:03pm

Xertz wrote: »

Straight, gay or bisexual, if you’re married you’ve agreed to be in a monogamous relationship with someone.

Being attracted to other people is human nature and everyone is in the same boat on that regardless of sexual orientation or gender, but you just can’t act on that within a marriage. That’s the whole point of marriages.

I fully appreciate you’re trying to figure out your sexuality but, don’t do this behind your wife’s back. It’s completely unfair on her both emotionally and also you would also be introducing health risks she would not be aware of if she’s assuming that she’s in a monogamous relationship.

I’m going to be a little moralising here but being with another man or another woman is problematic in exactly the same way. Being bi isn’t the issue. Cheating on your spouse would be.

Also plenty of bi men and bi women are in committed marriages to women or men and it does mean making a decision to be with just that person for the rest of your life or unless you get divorced. That’s just marriage.

I don’t know how telling your wife you’re bi would go. I’ve been in straight relationships as an openly bi man and I’m committed to them. It’s exactly the same if I’m in a gay relationship with another guy. I would be committed to him and the fact I’m bi would be irrelevant in either case.

So all I’m saying is I fully understand that you’re trying to figure something out about your sexuality in retrospect but, you’re also married so if you are going to be with someone else, you’re going to have to be upfront about that and it very likely would mean a the end of a marriage.

Also on the other side of it, people get divorced. That’s also not the end of the world nor is it something shameful or terrible. Life happens. However just do not go behind your spouse’s back be they female or male - it’s infidelity.

My advice is go talk to an LGBT support service. The Gay Switchboard, for example, may be able to point you in the right direction. It is important that you talk to someone and at least discuss what’s going on. Bottling up emotions isn’t good either.

https://gcn.ie/listing/gay-switchboard-ireland/

Agree with the above, that's exactly what I was trying to say, you just put it better. Long story short if you're in a marriage (straight or gay) you should be faithful to your partner it doesn't matter what your sexual orientation is.

tommymoate · 16-03-2020 11:01am

Hi All, thanks for all the replies, just to be clear, i never said i was going to be unfaithful at all, it was another poster who was suggesting this.
I think you are both right in the fact that telling her i am bi will only lead to problems and trust issues im sure so maybe i just need to stay quiet and figure things out myself.
I knew i was bi when i got married so i made the decision knowing that i was commiting to one person and i dont have a problem with that at all, all i was really saying was the last 12 months or so have seen my feelings change alot so i really need to sit down and really decide if i want to stay as things are or if i want to end the marraige and explore my bi side.

Girly Gal · 16-03-2020 6:45pm

I think you are right to take time to decide if you want to continue with your marriage or explore your bi side. It's a massive decision whatever you decide.
Just may sure not to string anyone along. I wish you all the best in wherever you decide and hope everything works out for all involved.

rainbowfields · 10-04-2020 7:24pm

I have been married and am the father of two children . My wife left the marriage after 11 years. At the time I was struggling with my sexuality . For me the children came first and was prepared to continue in the marriage for the children's sake.
I did not come out at the time.
The children stayed at home with me for the most part. As time went on I found the courage to come out to myself firstly and eventually to a few friends.
The biggest fear I had was what would my children say when they discovered that their father is gay.
I came out as they approached their early twenties.
I got 2 reactions.... one was... What was it that took you so long to come out . And ... that is the way you are and that is how it is. As far as they are concerned I'm their father and my being gay doesn't change anything for them.
I feel very privaliged to be their father.
If we had the more accepting society that we have today when i was a much younger person I would not have entered into
a hetero marriage which i did out of absolute loneliness and societal conditioning.
I have learned do not judge lest you be judged.

tommymoate · 02-02-2023 4:29pm

Anyone want an update to this :-)

Girly Gal · 02-02-2023 6:17pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120192615#Comment_120192615

Yes, what did you decide to do ?

Jafin · 03-02-2023 12:44pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120192615#Comment_120192615

Yes please! Judging by the smiley face at the end I'm assuming (and hoping) there was some kind of positive outcome.

tommymoate · 03-02-2023 1:38pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120195912#Comment_120195912

Positive in a way

tommymoate · 03-02-2023 1:58pm

So i decided not to tell her and took time to see exactly what i wanted. As i had previously mentioned in one of my posts, back at the time i had developed a crush that had become quite strong, and i think that was why i was thinking of telling her i was bi but as time passed the crush and feelings only got stronger. We had only chatted and flirted a little, but he would be fairly confident and a bit of a player so i was sure the crush was only one way and he liked the attention he was getting from me. I thought nothing more of this until one evening he told me that he had feelings for me, i told him nothing would happen while i was married and i was weary of his rep, but after some deep thinking i decided i couldn't hide from my feelings and told my wife everything, to say she was shocked was an understatement but we parted on ok terms. When i started seeing this guy, i realised my attraction to women was not as strong as i thought and i made the decision to come out as gay. I am now two years with the same guy and couldn't be happier, it was definitely the life i was meant to live, it hasn't been easy with the aftermath of the marriage break-up but i would do it again, i think it just took the right person to show me who the real me was. My ex is currently in a relationship so she is happy now, the break up did cause her some embarrassment and she did get angry with me for a period but she understood over time and we are on good terms now.

Girly Gal · 03-02-2023 2:41pm

I'm sure it was difficult to tell your wife knowing that your marriage was effectively over. You did the right thing by telling her before you moved on, no point going behind her back and stringing her along. It looks like things have worked out OK for all concerned which is the main thing.

Jafin · 07-02-2023 3:49pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120196245#Comment_120196245

That's amazing, I'm so happy for you, and that your ex-wife is happy in a new relationship also. I'm sure it absolutely was a shock to her, but it's great that you parted on ok terms and it wasn't all drama, anger and resentment (although of course a bit of that is totally normal and understandable).

25-02-2023 12:17am

I have a friend who if men in a hetero marriage sleep with him, usually go home, come clean with the wife and get divorced. Relationships with 3 married guys over 30 years and each after some good time and talk separated and divorced within a year of becoming involved with him.

Gay Men in Heterosexual Marriages

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