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Transgender Guidance

  • 01-07-2019 4:19pm
    #1
    themakingofme
    Registered Users Posts: 6 ✭


    Hi, I am a 42 year old married male. I know I am MTF transgender. I have struggled for years about how I have felt so I bit the bullet last week and contacted a therapist. I have my first appointment later this week.
    I know I want Hormone Replacement Therapy. Am I right to visit the therapist first? Will the therapist recommend HRT? When should I tell my wife? Should I tell her before my first appointment?


Comments

  • #2
    JackTaylorFan
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,452 ✭✭✭JackTaylorFan


    The therapist will do very little, unless they are qualified to assess gender dysphoria. But yeah, probably best you speak to someone.

    Think it's only fair you tell your wife, to be honest, and I think it's unfair if you've been hiding this from them all along.


  • #3
    J_E
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,734 ✭✭✭J_E


    I can't offer personal advice, but maybe a group like TENI could offer some guidance and support.


    www.teni.ie


    Wishing you the best.


  • #4
    flowerbattle
    Registered Users Posts: 90 ✭✭flowerbattle


    JackTaylorFan wrote: »
    The therapist will do very little, unless they are qualified to assess gender dysphoria. But yeah, probably best you speak to someone.

    Think it's only fair you tell your wife, to be honest, and I think it's unfair if you've been hiding this from them all along.

    OP hasn't been hiding it, they said they've been struggling with it for years. They're planning on telling their wife, they just want to know when.


  • #5
    JackTaylorFan
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,452 ✭✭✭JackTaylorFan


    flowerbattle wrote: »
    OP hasn't been hiding it, they said they've been struggling with it for years. They're planning on telling their wife, they just want to know when.

    Really? Does the wife know? Sounds like hiding it to me. However you want to sugarcoat it.


  • #6
    themakingofme
    Registered Users Posts: 6 ✭themakingofme


    I postponed the therapy session and I now have my first therapy session tomorrow. The therapist is qualified to deal with gender dysphoria issues. I am nervous and excited as I finally get to tell someone how I have been feeling and hopefully release some of the mental anguish I have had over all these years. I will look for guidance from the therapist about how to deal with this and how to go from here, but ultimately I know it will be up to me to make decisions that will impact the rest of my life and my wife's future.


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  • #7
    baby and crumble
    Registered Users Posts: 8,512 ✭✭✭baby and crumble


    One thing I will say, OP, is be mindful that telling your wife may precipitate the end of your marriage, or it may not. From people I know who have gone through it, sometimes the excitement of finally having a 'name' for what's been going on in your head and having some outlet for these feelings can mean you think everyone is going to be as supportive as your therapist etc.

    It's similar to when cisgender queer folks come out to family and friends... it's easy to forget that whilst we have been dealing with all this inside for many years, it will likely come as a shock to our loved ones, and we do need to be mindful of things like that. You cannot expect your wife to take this news with no issues, nor indeed should you expect that it spells the end of your relationship.


  • #8
    L.Jenkins
    Moderators, Computer Games Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 19,240 Mod ✭✭✭✭L.Jenkins


    This is a very sensitive topic when marriage is involved. Prior to our engagement, I told my now wife the I'm MtF. It gave her an out if she so desired. We're 5 years married in December and I'm personally delaying transitioning until we have kids, as we need medical intervention in that aspect.


    I would advise counseling first, to discuss the issue in depth. It's not something you can just drop on your wife after years of marriage. A counselor may be able to assist to an extent, on how to broach the issue, but as Baby said, it might spell the end of your marriage, but it might not.


  • #9
    themakingofme
    Registered Users Posts: 6 ✭themakingofme


    I went to the therapy session. It was great to finally tell someone how I feel and how I have been struggling with my gender for all these years. Even though it was only 1 session the therapist did say that I show all the 'classic' signs of been transgender. The therapist did recommend more sessions but I haven't gone back yet. I haven't booked the 2nd appointment yet as I am scared where this will lead.....upsetting my wife, family and close friends. Do I be selfish and do what I want to do and be the woman I want to be, or for want of a better word 'bite one's lip' and continue being the man that I hate being.


  • #10
    L.Jenkins
    Moderators, Computer Games Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 19,240 Mod ✭✭✭✭L.Jenkins


    I would suggest you continue with the counseling sessions first and see where it leads you. At the end of the day, there's certain decisions only you can make. Godspeed and stay strong.


  • #11
    themakingofme
    Registered Users Posts: 6 ✭themakingofme


    Thanks L.Jenkins for your reply. You are right, there are certain decisions that I can only make. Therefore I have booked a second appointment for the end of this week and I will arrange weekly sessions thereafter. Hopefully this is the start of a beautiful journey I should have taken long ago.


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  • #12
    L.Jenkins
    Moderators, Computer Games Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 19,240 Mod ✭✭✭✭L.Jenkins


    Well done :) I hope it goes well for you.


  • #13
    Firebird on the Run
    Registered Users Posts: 12 ✭Firebird on the Run


    themakingofme wrote: »
    I went to the therapy session. It was great to finally tell someone how I feel and how I have been struggling with my gender for all these years. Even though it was only 1 session the therapist did say that I show all the 'classic' signs of been transgender. The therapist did recommend more sessions but I haven't gone back yet. I haven't booked the 2nd appointment yet as I am scared where this will lead.....upsetting my wife, family and close friends. Do I be selfish and do what I want to do and be the woman I want to be, or for want of a better word 'bite one's lip' and continue being the man that I hate being.

    I'm really new to this matter but as someone who has just found out that my partner of years is not sure about his gender identity and sexuality, I can say that it is very important to tell her yourself, before she finds out as that is a bigger shock. She might already have felt it or even talked to you about it. I doubt that she is happy and have absolutely no idea that there's something wrong (I like to elaborate that by that I mean something not working between you not that there's something wrong with you) so honesty at any stage will work bette. Both of you will be happier in the end. But maybe talk to the therapist as well about it as to how to tell her. You may need to prepare her and introduce her to the idea little by little.
    Don't expect too much as others have mentioned and understand that you have lied to her in a very sensitive matter and she will need help too.
    Hope everything works out for you both in the best way possible.


  • #14
    sheepsh4gger
    Registered Users Posts: 622 ✭✭✭sheepsh4gger


    I would leave Ireland for US. You will only be patronized and abused.

    I'm straight but for some reason paddys think I'm gay and I had to deal with the abuse that comes with it. I can't imagine what they would do to someone transgender.


  • #15
    Annasopra
    Registered Users Posts: 40,736 ✭✭✭✭Annasopra


    sheepsh4gger wrote: »
    I would leave Ireland for US. You will only be patronized and abused.

    I'm straight but for some reason paddys think I'm gay and I had to deal with the abuse that comes with it. I can't imagine what they would do to someone transgender.

    Mod

    Stick to helpful advice here please.

    It was so much easier to blame it on Them. It was bleakly depressing to think that They were Us. If it was Them, then nothing was anyone's fault. If it was us, what did that make Me? After all, I'm one of Us. I must be. I've certainly never thought of myself as one of Them. No one ever thinks of themselves as one of Them. We're always one of Us. It's Them that do the bad things.

    Terry Pratchet



  • #16
    L.Jenkins
    Moderators, Computer Games Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 19,240 Mod ✭✭✭✭L.Jenkins


    Dontspeak wrote: »
    Hope the therapist can sort you out. Your condition can be helped. I hope your poor wife is staying strong through all of this.
    Joeytheparrot wrote: »
    Mod

    Stick to helpful advice here please.

    Firstly, I have to agree with Joey. Secondly, if you think Ireland is bad, the US is a million times worse, even for the LGB community. I'd be terrified to be a Trans person in the US and I'm more than capable of taking care of myself.


  • #17
    L.Jenkins
    Moderators, Computer Games Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 19,240 Mod ✭✭✭✭L.Jenkins


    Simple error.


  • #18
    themakingofme
    Registered Users Posts: 6 ✭themakingofme


    I have booked an appointment with a clinical psychologist next month. I’m hoping that after a few sessions I will be diagnosed with gender dysphoria. If that is the case I will then tell my wife that I have gender dysphoria and that I will be taking hormones to become the woman I was born to be.


  • #19
    JackTaylorFan
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,452 ✭✭✭JackTaylorFan


    Hey

    Good luck. Just be aware HRT will probably change your libido... possibly even your sexuality. You need to be upfront about this with your wife too.


  • #20
    JackTaylorFan
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,452 ✭✭✭JackTaylorFan


    To be honest, leaving Ireland (maybe not for the US - although some states are quite liberal) would be something I'd advise any trans woman (with no obligations here) to do.

    I have recently come to the conclusion that if I am to find any kind of happiness in this life, it will involve getting the **** out of here. Even the doctors who are supposed to help you are patronising and they love playing gatekeepers with the meds. The general public is just as patronising.


  • #21
    skallywag
    Registered Users Posts: 2,981 ✭✭✭skallywag


    JackTaylorFan wrote: »
    The general public is just as patronising.

    I strongly disagree with you.

    I think that the general public is a lot more open and understanding than you are willing to believe.

    That said, I sometimes think that you have no genuine interest in discussion anyway, and it somehow suits you to think that the gen pop have no genuine interest. And I really do not understand why.

    Anyway, back on topic ...


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  • #22
    Annasopra
    Registered Users Posts: 40,736 ✭✭✭✭Annasopra


    Mod

    Stay on topic please. JTF is not the topic under discussion.

    It was so much easier to blame it on Them. It was bleakly depressing to think that They were Us. If it was Them, then nothing was anyone's fault. If it was us, what did that make Me? After all, I'm one of Us. I must be. I've certainly never thought of myself as one of Them. No one ever thinks of themselves as one of Them. We're always one of Us. It's Them that do the bad things.

    Terry Pratchet



  • #23
    themakingofme
    Registered Users Posts: 6 ✭themakingofme


    I have my first appointment with the clinical psychologist on Friday. I am very nervous.
    Does anybody have any information on what I can expect from the first appointment?


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