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Hi all,
Vanilla are planning an update to the site on April 24th (next Wednesday). It is a major PHP8 update which is expected to boost performance across the site. The site will be down from 7pm and it is expected to take about an hour to complete. We appreciate your patience during the update.
Thanks all.

The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

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Comments

  • Options
    #3602
    Emmersonn
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 1,128 ✭✭✭Emmersonn


    Deja Boo wrote: »
    Has anyone let the Amish know what's going on?
    No one has a phone number for them.


  • Options
    #3603
    RobMc59
    Registered Users Posts: 4,831 ✭✭✭RobMc59


    "My dad once bought a car off the Krays".

    "What reg"?

    "No,it was Ronnie".


  • Options
    #3604
    Deja Boo
    Registered Users Posts: 13,430 ✭✭✭✭Deja Boo


    In case you've lost track of days, today is March 87th.


  • Options
    #3605
    The Princess Bride
    Registered Users Posts: 18,581 ✭✭✭✭The Princess Bride


    I for one, like Roman numerals.


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    #3606
    el_gaucho
    Registered Users Posts: 562 ✭✭✭el_gaucho


    A Roman walks into a bar, makes a peace sign and says “I’ll have five pints “.


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  • Options
    #3607
    Oscar1978
    Registered Users Posts: 38 ✭Oscar1978


    Jesus and the disciples walk into a bar. Jesus orders 13 glasses of water and then looks back at the disciples with a smirk and winks at them.


  • Options
    #3608
    The Princess Bride
    Registered Users Posts: 18,581 ✭✭✭✭The Princess Bride


    I took the shell off my pet snail, hoping it would make him move faster.
    But if anything, it makes him more sluggish.


  • Options
    #3609
    blinding
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 7,466 ✭✭✭blinding


    Years ago I gave the Clap to a load of health workers and that was not Ok !

    Now everyone is doing it, to a round of applause ! !


  • Options
    #3610
    RobMc59
    Registered Users Posts: 4,831 ✭✭✭RobMc59


    **BREAKING NEWS ***

    Singer Marty Pellow diagnosed with arthritis .

    He told our reporters :
    "I feel it in my fingers,I feel it in my toes".


  • Options
    #3611
    The Princess Bride
    Registered Users Posts: 18,581 ✭✭✭✭The Princess Bride


    Batman came up to me and whacked me on the head with a saucer, and shouted, "T'PAU!"

    "Don't you mean, KAPOW?" I asked.

    "No, I have China in my hand."


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  • Options
    #3612
    New Home
    Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 76,346 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    I've ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.


  • Options
    #3613
    The Princess Bride
    Registered Users Posts: 18,581 ✭✭✭✭The Princess Bride


    The other day, I saw a man playing Waterloo on a didgeridoo.
    I thought to myself, that's ABBAriginal.


  • Options
    #3614
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,691 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Jose Mourinho in trouble at Tottenham after organising training sessions with stars in a park.


    A spokesman for Spurs said in a statement this is very embarrassing for the club as the local youths won 4-0.


  • Options
    #3615
    Losty Dublin
    Registered Users Posts: 12,962 ✭✭✭✭Losty Dublin


    How do you know that aussie girls like oral?

    Cos they all cum from down under :)


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    #3616
    TheChevron
    Registered Users Posts: 1,065 ✭✭✭TheChevron


    I recently won an award for worst dental hygiene.

    I have the plaque to prove it.


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    #3617
    New Home
    Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 76,346 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    The other day I was stopped at a checkpoint. The Garda said, "Papers." I said, "Scissors, I win!" and drove off.


  • Options
    #3618
    Edgware
    Registered Users Posts: 5,875 ✭✭✭Edgware


    Capt'n Midnight wrote: »
    Jose Mourinho in trouble at Tottenham after organising training sessions with stars in a park.


    A spokesman for Spurs said in a statement this is very embarrassing for the club as the local youths won 4-0.
    "Far cry from small boys in the park, jumpers for goalposts" Ron Manager


  • Options
    #3619
    blinding
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 7,466 ✭✭✭blinding


    New Home wrote: »
    The other day I was stopped at a checkpoint. The Garda said, "Papers." I said, "Scissors, I win!" and drove off.
    Did he throw a Rock after You ?


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    #3620
    YFlyer
    Registered Users Posts: 9,717 ✭✭✭YFlyer


    Capt'n Midnight wrote: »
    Jose Mourinho in trouble at Tottenham after organising training sessions with stars in a park.


    A spokesman for Spurs said in a statement this is very embarrassing for the club as the local youths won 4-0.


    Ndombele be lean post Corona.


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    #3621
    The Princess Bride
    Registered Users Posts: 18,581 ✭✭✭✭The Princess Bride


    I've just been chatting with the person who invented crosswords, they're very nice.
    I can't remember their name though.
    P something T something R?


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    #3622
    chewed
    Registered Users Posts: 3,406 ✭✭✭chewed


    Did you hear that Bill Withers has died?

    I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know


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    #3623
    Tom Mann Centuria
    Registered Users Posts: 10,902 ✭✭✭✭Tom Mann Centuria


    My wife said if you’re bored stuck at home, why not make a bird table and now she’s not talking to me because I’ve put her in 7th place.

    Oh well, give me an easy life and a peaceful death.



  • Options
    #3624
    byrner88
    Registered Users Posts: 1,088 ✭✭✭byrner88


    How do you make a waterbed more bouncy??

    Add spring water!


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    #3625
    tayto lover
    Registered Users Posts: 51,484 ✭✭✭✭tayto lover


    The Princess Bride wrote: »
    I've just been chatting with the person who invented crosswords, they're very nice.
    I can't remember their name though.
    P something T something R?

    He’s an imposter though.
    I know where the real crossword inventor is buried.

    6 down and 4 across.


  • Options
    #3626
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,691 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    The Sun newspaper is experiencing a downturn in circulation. It costs less than a cup of coffee. So, please give journalism a much needed boost every day.

    Buy that coffee.


  • Options
    #3627
    byrner88
    Registered Users Posts: 1,088 ✭✭✭byrner88


    I held the door open for a beautiful blonde in the pub last night.
    My wife said "you've never held the door open for me"

    I said "what about the time you threatened to leave."


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    #3628
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,691 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Well done Mr Johnson for the genuine words of respect shown for the nurse from New Zealand, and the nurse from Portugal who helped to save your life in your recent COVID-19 infection.

    A spokesman for the RCN quoted,"These young nurses shown a high degree of professionalism and empathy, especially as they both broke down in tears when their names were drawn out of the hat. "


  • Options
    #3629
    kildare lad
    Registered Users Posts: 2,010 ✭✭✭kildare lad


    I'm fat but I identify as skinny

    I'm trans-slender


  • Options
    #3630
    Emmersonn
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 1,128 ✭✭✭Emmersonn


    A woman stops by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocks on the door then immediately walks in.
    She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music is playing, candles are lit, and the aroma of perfume fills the room.
    "What are you doing?!" she asks.
    "I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in- law explains.
    "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaims.
    "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law answers.
    "Love dress? But you're naked!"
    "Jeff loves me and wants me to wear this dress. It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and can't get enough of me!"

    The mother-in-law leaves, inspired by what she has learned.

    When the mother-in-law gets home, she undresses, showers, puts on her best perfume, dims the lights, puts on a romantic CD, and lays on the couch, expectantly awaiting her husband. Finally, her husband comes home. He walks in and sees her lying there provocatively.
    "What are you doing?" he asks.
    "This is my love dress," she whispers sensually.
    "Needs ironing," he says. "What's for dinner?
    ..........

    He never heard the gunshot.


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  • Options
    #3631
    fr336
    Registered Users Posts: 10,179 ✭✭✭✭fr336


    Man: “I’m looking for a book about coping with having a tiny penis but I don’t know the title”

    Librarian: “I’m not sure it’s in yet”

    Man: “Yes, that’s the one”


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