Am I the asshole?

I don't know it's a bit of a difficult one.

There's a couple of things I want to write clearly to understand myself.

You've to understand that your child went from one abusive parent, then bullying in school then shipped to the grandparents to live to go to a school in the city. Its a long and hard thing for a teen to go through and to process mentally and physically. On paper it might sound like the situation was dealt with but mentally, it can affect a teen. It isn't a case of we helped them move to make life easier. Then when you did get your child help, the facility then closed due to lockdown and that was another added extra stress on your child, and of course possibly you. Your child possibly feels they have literally no one to turn too at this rate. Or potentially has things they wish to speak about and has no one to tell as maybe they feel everyone is pawning them off.

Now in saying that, you're right to have a talk with your child about money and responsibilities and they have to learn the value of it but the weekend of their 18th birthday? They've yet to understand what it is they went through previously and how to deal with that then all of a sudden they are being told to grow up now and value money. That's extremely confusing then to mix in not seeing one parent but not seeing both parents. Then only get money if they do their chores, when done, to find out they've never recieved their allowances. Of course your child was quick enough to get onto you about this but the boundaries were crossed when you offered to send money and now all of a sudden they didn't receive it. You can't teach the value of money then say "Oh I was busy I never sent it" and expect the child to be okay with this. To be honest I'm confused for your child.

I had the responsibility and value of money talk when I was 18 myself but it was a case of "You're finished school now so don't think you're going to sign on and do nothing. You go to work or you go to college but I'm not funding your lazy lifestyle if you choose to do neither of the choices given". Not the weekend of my birthday but it was around the time I was 18. So I'm not going to condone that.

However, I would presume the leaving cert year is over? (maybe your child has another year) Would it be wise to say you've helped the child academically and give them to chance to say if they want to go back home to you or to stay where they are? Bearing in mind they might want to stay because they made friends in their new school so that's a high chance. That would be you showing your letting them decide what they want to do. If they continue to live with grandparents, then well, they are 18 now, I didn't see the need to give "chore" money as they are of legal age to get a part time job. That's not to say if they decide to move back home to you, to continue the "chore money" as again it falls back to they can still work part time and attend school or college. But again you did agree to fund them for "chores" so their thinking is "Well Mam (or dad) gives me money every week so they can pay" and that's their logic. That's setting them up for thinking sure I don't have to do anything.

OP you sound like you're doing all you can to help and that's great but I think there's a lot more to this than you realise and I think you need to contact Jigsaw (or another alternative) and really let your child go through the process of what went on previously and physically be there for your child and not over text and phone calls. Believe me, phone calls and text doesn't show a lot of affection. Make a point to visit once a week and spend time with them. Visit them for the weekend and talk. That's all your child probably wants to do is talk and just see at least one parent who cares. I'm sure their grandparents are brilliant but it's not always the same when a parent isnt there. Especially one one parent is abusive.

There's so much confusion and passing over and giving into that I wouldn't be surprise if your child just expects a lot of things and then gives out or ignores you when they think their needs aren't being met.

There's no such thing as a perfect parent. There's no such thing as a perfect family but you can help fix this and if you and your child can come together and go through the process then it will make it easier to get by. It's not an easy process and can take a while to find a balance that everyone is happy with but for the minute, your child is the main priority and I think you need to start looking into the mental help route before you start nipping at everything else. Your child has lost the meaning of understanding how to value and respect anything, let alone money. That's not me giving out saying your child is disrespectful but they don't know themselves what to be doing.

It's a tough one but over time, with all the help provided and all the tools needed and used, it will be worth it.

Good luck OP.

Edited: Just quickly read there about the standing order and expiry date. Prime example of why the boundaries wasn't met. You set up a plan with your child, then tried to blame them for lack of phone calls and without admitting that it was your own fault. Then wounder why your child is ignoring you. You need to sit down and speak to your child. Not blame them for anything. Speak. Talk becauase at this rate this is going to turn into a disastrous relationship

Peregrinus wrote: »

It may be typical teen behaviour, but at least there is the excuse of being a teen.

The problem, remember, started with the parent failing to pay the allowance.
The parent is also exhibiting "typical teen behaviour" - stuffing up through carelessness, and then denying and rationalising it - and perhaps has less excuse.

Being a teen explains why they did it, but there no excuse for poor behaviour.

There were issues before the payment failed.

listermint wrote: »

[/B]

I call shenanigans on your assertion.

Deliberate nonsense

There was a thread on here before about kids chores and teens working and the vast majority of posters were against the idea.

I don't think it's too much too agree a set of ground rules while staying in someone else's house. That said the parent can't dictate what goes on in someone else house. Even the Grand parents. They can make suggestions only. Not with an 18yr old.

[Deleted User] wrote: »

I have a feeling (and I could be wrong, but I doubt it) that this teen now feels under extreme pressure, and like any financial support from their parent is going to be held over their head at every turn and used against them, and that their parent's support is conditional. Thats a lot to put on a teen who was already dealing with a lot.

So they avoided their parent all week (probably upset) and then they panicked and blew up when the money wasn't there as usual.

Doesn't help that parent then lied to them about why the money wasn't paid (good pick up there, I missed that).

I feel sorry for this kid. And they are still just a kid.

I don't get the lie bit. Thats an assumption on our part, maybe true, we don't know.

But for sure the teen might interpret that it being withdrawn. But only if they haven't done their side of the agreement. It's a bit of guilt leading them to assume that. But it's the obvious conclusion. I can't fault them for that. As you get older you learn not to jump to the obvious and rule out other possibilities so quickly. Teens are rash though.

But I wouldn't be treating them as as child. This fishing reel time. Let the line out, give them space and time, Reel them back slowly.

People do things as teens they never would as an adult. It's because the part of the brain that established risk and consequences isn't fully developed.