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Child thinks they might be bi gay or straight need advice please

  • 12-04-2021 6:53pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    My kiddo is a tween, and while we were chatting a few night ago, got very upset and told me they dont think they are straight, that they could be bi or gay.

    I gave them a hug and told them that is fine, they dont have to decide now what they are. I also said that they are very young to decide now and will discover as they get older but no matter who they decide to love, I will always be proud of them and love them as they are the best thing I have ever done.

    We chatted for a short while and they told me that a while ago they had a crush on someone of the same gender as them and I said ok but that

    I just was looking for advice on whether the above was ok, did I handle it ok and what is the best way to proceed from here.

    Thank you for all help.


Comments

  • #2
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 2,799 ✭✭✭[Deleted User]


    What age?


  • #3
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 18,749 ✭✭✭✭[Deleted User]


    I don't have kids, but I have a lot of kids in my life, what you said sounds perfect to me.
    You seem like a very loving caring parent and I'm sure your child feels much happier now.


  • #4
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    12


  • #5
    Sleeper12
    Registered Users Posts: 16,868 ✭✭✭✭Sleeper12


    I'm a straight dad. For what it's worth I think you handled it perfectly. You reassured them as much as you could without judgement. I can't see more you could have done


  • #6
    Annasopra
    Registered Users Posts: 40,740 ✭✭✭✭Annasopra


    Chocosoldier wrote: »
    My kiddo is a tween, and while we were chatting a few night ago, got very upset and told me they dont think they are straight, that they could be bi or gay.

    I gave them a hug and told them that is fine, they dont have to decide now what they are. I also said that they are very young to decide now and will discover as they get older but no matter who they decide to love, I will always be proud of them and love them as they are the best thing I have ever done.

    We chatted for a short while and they told me that a while ago they had a crush on someone of the same gender as them and I said ok but that

    I just was looking for advice on whether the above was ok, did I handle it ok and what is the best way to proceed from here.

    Thank you for all help.

    Yes thats a great way to handle it

    Just keep telling them you support and love them and there is no rush to label themselves at all

    They could possibly goto a youth group with BeLonG To
    https://www.belongto.org/youngpeople/youth-groups/


    If you need some more help there are parents support groups
    https://www.belongto.org/parents/parent-support-groups/

    It was so much easier to blame it on Them. It was bleakly depressing to think that They were Us. If it was Them, then nothing was anyone's fault. If it was us, what did that make Me? After all, I'm one of Us. I must be. I've certainly never thought of myself as one of Them. No one ever thinks of themselves as one of Them. We're always one of Us. It's Them that do the bad things.

    Terry Pratchet



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  • #7
    SourSessions
    Registered Users Posts: 1,195 ✭✭✭SourSessions


    Chocosoldier wrote:
    We chatted for a short while and they told me that a while ago they had a crush on someone of the same gender as them and I said ok but that

    Is there a bit missing on the end of this sentence?


  • #8
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Chocosoldier
    We chatted for a short while and they told me that a while ago they had a crush on someone of the same gender as them and I said ok but that
    SourSessions wrote: »
    Is there a bit missing on the end of this sentence?

    I meant to add that I said ok but that they were very young at the time (9 or 10ish) and we should mind them first (hard year with bereavements and few other things), hormones kicking in, make sure they are happy and whoever they chose is fine when they feel ready. Then there was the usual joke about not dating until they are 26.

    Today we had a quick chat because although I told them they were very young, the other night, I wanted them to know I heard them, and was not disregarding anything they told me that it was all ok, and they bounced off smiling.

    So should I leave it until they bring it up again?


  • #9
    SourSessions
    Registered Users Posts: 1,195 ✭✭✭SourSessions


    Chocosoldier wrote:
    So should I leave it until they bring it up again?

    I think so. Sounds like you've done a great job. I asked about the cut off bit because my mother made some dismissive comments about my age when I first came out and it made me standoffish with her and just a general feeling like she didn't 'get it' and so made me not want to go to her.

    In truth, a lot of us know quite young and have crushes (innocent ones, of course) from the same age as straight kids - sometimes in the playground. I think acknowledgement is very important and I'm glad you returned to them to say that you heard them. However things go, hopefully they know they can come to you. It's great that they were able to open up in the first place, shows you have a close relationship :)


  • #10
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I just want to say thank you to everyone for being so welcoming and helpful whether in giving advice or just reading this. It has been great knowing I could get advice here because I felt a bit lost and didnt want to let them down. All I want is for them to be happy and confident in themselves and hold their head high and be proud.


  • #11
    Heebie
    Registered Users Posts: 1,302 ✭✭✭Heebie


    Chocosoldier wrote:
    I just was looking for advice on whether the above was ok, did I handle it ok and what is the best way to proceed from here.


    You handled it a lot better than my parents did. Making sure your kid knows they still have your love, respect, and support is enormous.


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  • #12
    Rick_
    Registered Users Posts: 2,606 ✭✭✭Rick_


    You sound like a truly loving parent, so fair play to you for dealing with this the responsible and mature way. Sadly a lot of people don't get that kind of reaction or support.


  • #13
    Jack00f
    Registered Users Posts: 6 ✭Jack00f


    I think you handled it really well and it's a good thing your child felt comfortable enough to tell you at such a young age, I think I knew I was gay from a really young age but didn't come out until I was 17/18 and it was a massive burden for my teen years carrying around this secret and trying to fit in so I started drinking from the age of ten and it just created a pattern of addiction.
    I think it's great your child is coming out so young so they won't have to worry about it or hide anything from you, you sound like a great parent.


  • #14
    Annasopra
    Registered Users Posts: 40,740 ✭✭✭✭Annasopra


    This webinar might be useful

    https://gcn.ie/schools-out-webinar-launches-parents-crash-course-lgbtq-identities/?mc_cid=a4c521549b&mc_eid=44fd311251

    It was so much easier to blame it on Them. It was bleakly depressing to think that They were Us. If it was Them, then nothing was anyone's fault. If it was us, what did that make Me? After all, I'm one of Us. I must be. I've certainly never thought of myself as one of Them. No one ever thinks of themselves as one of Them. We're always one of Us. It's Them that do the bad things.

    Terry Pratchet



  • #15
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Just jumping on to this tread as my head may explode.
    My 10-year-old daughter told my niece (who is in her 20s )that she thinks she’s a lesbian that she doesn’t fancy any of the boys in her class and there is one girl in 6th class that she can’t stop looking at. She confided in my niece telling her that she thinks she’s a lesbian and how is she going to tell me.. my niece has giving me the heads up. I’m completely split with my feeling emotions.
    One side of me is thinking she’s 10 and doesn’t have a notion who or what she likes and just cause she’s not into boys yet maybe she feels like she needs to crush on someone..
    like she still plays with her sylvanian families and believes in Santa… I think in my head if any of our kids were to tell us that they are gay they would be in their teens..
    Oh course the other side of me will hug her tight and tell her I love her no matter if she’s straight or gay and I will ALWAYS have her back.
    I worry for classroom bullying ( we are in a country school) I worry that other moms might not be comfortable with sleep overs if she does decide to tell the girls in her class.
    Guess I’m just scarred of the unknown.


  • #16
    Annasopra
    Registered Users Posts: 40,740 ✭✭✭✭Annasopra


    Resetagain wrote: »
    Just jumping on to this tread as my head may explode.
    My 10-year-old daughter told my niece (who is in her 20s )that she thinks she’s a lesbian that she doesn’t fancy any of the boys in her class and there is one girl in 6th class that she can’t stop looking at. She confided in my niece telling her that she thinks she’s a lesbian and how is she going to tell me.. my niece has giving me the heads up. I’m completely split with my feeling emotions.
    One side of me is thinking she’s 10 and doesn’t have a notion who or what she likes and just cause she’s not into boys yet maybe she feels like she needs to crush on someone..
    like she still plays with her sylvanian families and believes in Santa… I think in my head if any of our kids were to tell us that they are gay they would be in their teens..
    Oh course the other side of me will hug her tight and tell her I love her no matter if she’s straight or gay and I will ALWAYS have her back.
    I worry for classroom bullying ( we are in a country school) I worry that other moms might not be comfortable with sleep overs if she does decide to tell the girls in her class.
    Guess I’m just scarred of the unknown.

    I think go with your gut of unconditional support

    It was so much easier to blame it on Them. It was bleakly depressing to think that They were Us. If it was Them, then nothing was anyone's fault. If it was us, what did that make Me? After all, I'm one of Us. I must be. I've certainly never thought of myself as one of Them. No one ever thinks of themselves as one of Them. We're always one of Us. It's Them that do the bad things.

    Terry Pratchet



  • #17
    Zhane
    Registered Users Posts: 1,154 ✭✭✭Zhane


    Resetagain wrote: »
    Just jumping on to this tread as my head may explode.
    My 10-year-old daughter told my niece (who is in her 20s )that she thinks she’s a lesbian that she doesn’t fancy any of the boys in her class and there is one girl in 6th class that she can’t stop looking at. She confided in my niece telling her that she thinks she’s a lesbian and how is she going to tell me.. my niece has giving me the heads up. I’m completely split with my feeling emotions.
    One side of me is thinking she’s 10 and doesn’t have a notion who or what she likes and just cause she’s not into boys yet maybe she feels like she needs to crush on someone..
    like she still plays with her sylvanian families and believes in Santa… I think in my head if any of our kids were to tell us that they are gay they would be in their teens..
    Oh course the other side of me will hug her tight and tell her I love her no matter if she’s straight or gay and I will ALWAYS have her back.
    I worry for classroom bullying ( we are in a country school) I worry that other moms might not be comfortable with sleep overs if she does decide to tell the girls in her class.
    Guess I’m just scarred of the unknown.

    I think you should not confront your daughter about this and wait for her to approach you when she feels the time is right. You approaching your daughter might blindside her and she may feel betrayed by her cousin (I understand it came from a good place, and she did the right thing by telling you I think. But your daughter is what is important now.)

    A good way of approaching it is if you see gay couples on tv or in the street, you could say “awww that’s cute”, or “fair play to them for being so open”. Just casual comments to show that it’s totally ok and that you’re accepting. She may feel more open to talking to you about it then and you can then have the conversation. As long as she knows she has the support of her parents, she will be grand! You can’t control other people’s opinions, but aslong as you are there for her then it’ll be ok ðŸ‘ðŸ»


  • #18
    VENEATS
    Registered Users Posts: 53 ✭✭VENEATS


    Chocosoldier wrote: »
    My kiddo is a tween, and while we were chatting a few night ago, got very upset and told me they dont think they are straight, that they could be bi or gay.

    I gave them a hug and told them that is fine, they dont have to decide now what they are. I also said that they are very young to decide now and will discover as they get older but no matter who they decide to love, I will always be proud of them and love them as they are the best thing I have ever done.

    We chatted for a short while and they told me that a while ago they had a crush on someone of the same gender as them and I said ok but that

    I just was looking for advice on whether the above was ok, did I handle it ok and what is the best way to proceed from here.

    Thank you for all help.

    I'm a bi dad. My parents were not very accepting but that sounds perfect. It's a good sign that they can talk to you so honestly. Always show that no matter what you will always love them, which you did. Dont overthink it.


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